


Revelations Revealed

by TobiasHankel



Series: Try again, Fail again. Fail better. [1]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Autistic Spencer Reid, Coming Out, Cutting, Dark, Drug Use, Eating Disorders, Episode: s02e15 Revelations, Gay, Gay Panic, Handcuffs, Happy Aaron Hotchner, Homophobia, Hurt Spencer Reid, Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Slash, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape/Non-con Elements, Recovery, Sad Spencer Reid, Scars, Self-Harm, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Spencer Reid Whump, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Torture, Triggers, Whipping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-06
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:20:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 35
Words: 103,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23045425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TobiasHankel/pseuds/TobiasHankel
Summary: Spencer Reid gets kidnapped by Tobias Hankel but it goes worse than any of the team members could have expected. Not only does the BAU team have the fear of never getting Reid back alive, but they also have to watch his torture on a nonstop video feed. Will they ever get Reid back and what would be left of him if they do?Trigger Warnings! Rape, Drug use, Self Harm, Eating Disorder, Past Child Abuse, Homophobia, possibly others. Read Beginning Notes.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, Past Stephen Gideon/Spencer Reid
Series: Try again, Fail again. Fail better. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1716058
Comments: 425
Kudos: 1050





	1. The Kidnapping

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warnings: Talk of rape. kidnapping and homophobia  
> This first chapter is similar to Revelations in order to get the back story set. It will not continue on the same storyline as that episode. Please leave kudos and reviews.

With a gasp, Spencer Reid woke up. Confused, disoriented, he didn’t understand where he was or what happened. His eyes blurry, he kept them shut. Focusing on the other senses. He felt a dull pain in his head and could feel a slowly cooling warmth on his cheek. He knew that feeling, from working so long in the field. It was blood. He tried to lift his hands to assess the wound but found he was handcuffed. They felt like standard-issue police handcuffs, possibly his own, but they were bound to a leather strap that was attached to the wooden chair he was sitting on.

A putrid smell filled his nostrils and he almost gagged. That must have gotten someone’s attention as he started to hear someone moving around. He tried to open his eyes again. His eyes met a single light bulb on a wire above him. It was dim but felt like daggers in his eyes due to his growing headache. He looked over to where the sound was coming from and saw a man, Tobias Hankel.

Suddenly it hit him..

\-------------------------------------------------------------

_They were searching for an Unsub that was breaking into people’s homes, calling 911, killing them, leaving bible passages and then posting the murders online. They had the name of a man that called 911 near one of the crimes several months ago. He claimed to see a prowler outside of the now victim’s home while walking his dog. He went to the home with JJ to ask the caller some questions about what he saw._

_JJ knocked on the door and spoke once the rough-looking man answered, “Hi. Mr. Hankel? F. B. I., I'm agent Jareau, this is agent Reid. May we come in?”_

_Hankel peered around the door, only leaving a small crack for his face, “Um... I'm sorry, I don't let anyone in the house.. My father doesn't like it.”_

_Reid was taken aback at the strange man’s words, “Your father? You're, like, 30.”_

_Quickly Tobias said, “At what age can one start disrespecting the wishes of their parents?”_

_JJ and Reid shared a confused look, but JJ continued, “There's a report that lists you as calling 911. You were walking your dog. We were hoping to..”_

_Tobias interrupted, “That's wrong. I don't have a dog.”_

_“Are you sure? Is there another Tobias Hankel here?”_

_“No. Just me and my father, Charles. Have a good night” Tobias quickly shut the door._

_At the confusing interaction, Reid had a bad feeling and ran around the side of the house, looking in the window, “JJ, it's him! It's the guy, JJ! He's the unsub!” They hear him move again so they ran around the side of the barn “He's in the barn. Come on. You cover the front. I'll go around back. Hotch knows we're missing. He'll come looking for us. We'll just wait Tobias out.”_

_JJ started to disagree “No, Reid, are you sure we should split up?” but Reid was already running around the back of the barn. He spots the Unsub and tried to call for JJ but she doesn’t hear him. Reid follows the Unsub into the cornfield and hears two people arguing. One the aggressor and one the submissive. The profile suggested a two-man team of killers, so this did not surprise him._

_Suddenly Reid hears JJ scream and gunfire. He yells JJ’s name again and runs towards the sound. Then a fist meets his face and he falls to the ground. He sees Tobias Hankel overtop of him with his own gun._

_“Ok, ok.” Reid says with his hands up._

_“I tried to warn everyone.”_

_“Just relax, Mr. Hankel, all right?” Reid then notices a shift in the man above him._

_Tobias’s face and voice change, “Shoot him! I said, shoot him, you weakling. He's a Satan!”_

_The scared Tobias with the timid voice came back for a moment “He didn't do anything!”_

_Then the darker expression came back over the man, “I won't tell you another time, boy. Shoot him!”_

_That was the last thing Reid remembered before darkness overcame him._

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 _Dissociative identity disorder, D.I.D., previously known as multiple personality disorder, M.P.D._ Reid thought to himself. _Tobias Hankel must have DID._ The thought was fleeting as fear was taking hold. Reid looked around the room, looked like a shed or an outdoor workshop. He looked at the man coming closer to him. It was Tobias but yet it wasn’t.

“They are gone,” the man said in a voice that was devoid of all emotion.

“Who are they?”

“It is just me now”

“Who are you?”

“I am Raphael”

Reid was shocked. This voice and demeanor was different from the first two. _That must mean that Tobias has at least three different personalities, Tobias himself, the deep threatening voice and this new voice, Raphael._ He tried to ponder the thought of Raphael and how that name is connected to religion, but his mind didn’t get far with the putrid smell disrupting his senses.

“What is that smell?” He asked Raphael.

“They're burning fish hearts and livers. Keeps away the devil. They believe you can see inside men's minds.”

“It's not true. I study human behavior” Reid said while wincing at the pain in his head and the dull ache forming around his wrist.

“I'm not interested in the arguments of men.” Raphael pulled out a revolver and a bullet, “You know what this is? It's God's will” Raphael put the single bullet into the barrel of the gun and spun it, raising the gun up to Reid’s face.

“Y-you don't h-have to do this..” Reid said staring into the barrel of the gun.

“Now go, sinners, to your god.” Raphael pulled the trigger.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The BAU team was back at Tobias Hankel’s home. They were going through the house when Hotch came in with Garcia. Aaron Hotchner always holds an appearance of calm and stoic but even he looked panicked. Reid had been missing for over eight hours already and they had no leads. Hotch was hoping that Garcia could find something on Tobias’s homemade computer set up.

Hotch always had a soft spot for Reid. He was the youngest but smartest member of the team. Reid had to grow up too quickly and he felt personally responsible for Reid, both as his Unit Chief and as his friend. Since the LDSK case, his feelings and protectiveness for Reid had grown. Hotch was forced to kick Reid repeatedly in order to give Reid his ankle gun. Reid then shot and killed Phillip Dowd. This was the first time Reid had ever had to kill someone. He was only in that area of the hospital because of Hotch and Hotch was guilt-ridden from this. Hotch was always conflicted by his feelings towards Reid. While Hotch never thought of himself as gay or bisexual, and he was sure that Reid wasn’t either, he kept finding himself thinking of Reid more than anyone else. He had recently broken up with his long term girlfriend, Haley and found his feelings towards Reid growing. He tried his best to shut them down but this case, Reid being missing, brought the feelings back stronger than ever.

The team tirelessly worked at profiling Tobias through his home. They weren’t finding much. Garcia wasn’t getting anywhere on his computer. Emily found some information on a NA sponsor that she was following up on with JJ, despite the fact that the information looked quite old. Gideon and Morgan were searching the property and Hotch was trying desperately to not think of Reid while he was reading through Tobias’s journals. He had already shared with the team the possibility of Tobias having D.I.D., based on his journals, which terrified Hotch even more. He knew that Reid could already be dead, he was kidnapped by a mentally unstable man. The other people that Tobias murdered were killed immediately after Tobias made contact with them. All this work to find Reid could be in vain but that didn’t matter, they had to find him. He had to have hope that Reid was alive.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Morgan and Gideon continue their search outside, looking for anything that looked out of place. It was already getting dark, but their search wasn’t over. Soon Morgan found a cellar door and called Gideon over. Guns drawn, they open the door and go inside.

Seeing a man at the end of the cellar, Morgan yells, “Tobias Hankel! F.B.I! Put your hands up!”

Both men walk forward slowly, guns locked on the figure at the end of the cellar. Then they see him, an older man with long black hair, and a bullet hole in the middle of his forehead, dead.

Morgan shared a disappointed look with Gideon and said, “I think we just found Charles Hankel, Tobias’s father..”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Emily and JJ find Tobias’s old NA sponsor, Mickey Bates.

Bates stood in front of his home with the two female agents, “Tobias Hankel. I haven't thought about that boy in probably 10 years.”

JJ started, “So you two were in a program together?”

Bates sighed and said, “He should tell you, but yeah, I was his sponsor. Small town. We all get lumped together. Me, I was just a drunk, but Tobias, he was a whole different sort of animal. Crazy as hell that one”

Emily wasn’t surprised at Bates's comment, “Do you remember what Tobias' drug of choice was? 

“Dilaudid. Drugstore heroin. He used to cut it with a psychedelic. That boy was looking to escape as far from reality as he could get. Addicts don't get excuses, but if someone ever needed to self-medicate, it was that boy..” Bates said while shifting weight from one leg to the other, seemingly unconformable.

Emily noticed but kept on, “Why is that?”

“You know anything about his daddy?”

“Umm well, we think Tobias Hankel may have murdered his father.” JJ quietly stated, still being unsure about how Charles died.

“Good for him!” Bates said with pride, “You know, Tobias's mama ran off with another man when he was 7. His daddy went section-eight, started preaching about sin, end-of-the-world stuff. He beat Tobias silly. He burned a cross in his forehead when Tobias was 10. If Tobias wore a hat, he beat him more. When Tobias was 13, his daddy found him being too friendly with a boy from his class. He beat and raped him. I guess he figured rape was a punishment for Tobias being gay. I didn’t know Tobias until he was about twenty, but I am sure that his daddy was still beating and raping him somethin’ regular. You can just tell you know..”

Emily and JJ share a scared look before Emily asks, “Is there anyone or anywhere Tobias would turn to if he was on the run?”

Bates thought for a second before saying, “As far as I know, he never left home. You know, honestly, between his habit and the old man, I'm amazed he's still alive.”

Emily and JJ thanked Bates and quickly went back to Tobias’s house to tell the team what they learned but once they were inside they were welcomed with Garcia screaming “Oh my God! Hotch!”

Tobias’s computer room suddenly filled with the BAU team. Hotch was first in the room and just stared as the computer screens started to change by themselves. They started turning into videos and pictures of violence before each of the computer screens turn into a live feed of Reid. Gasps fill the room. The video feed is not the best quality, but it is clear that the slumped over man, handcuffed to a wooden chair in the middle of a dark, dirty room, is their missing Dr. Spencer Reid. 


	2. Succumb to Darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: Talk of rape. kidnapping, abuse, drug use, murder, and homophobia.

The revolver aimed at Reid’s face, Raphael said, “Now go, sinners, to your god.” He pulled the trigger. Reid froze, eyes closed. Slowly he opened his eyes after hearing the empty click of the chamber. He could feel himself shaking and swore his heart was beating so fast that Raphael could hear it. Raphael lowered the gun, “If that is God’s will”. He spoke before walking outside.

Reid looked around the room he was in; there wasn’t much. He noticed a few metal chains with hooks above his head, it reminded him of something a butcher might have but he wasn’t sure. He continued to eye the room. Hay, dirt, broken items. He didn’t even see a bathroom door. Reid wanted to continue to look around for clues as to where he was but the pounding in his head became too much. _Probably a concussion,_ he thought to himself before succumbing to the pain and passing out.

Reid awoke to Tobias slamming the door open. Again, it was Tobias, but it wasn’t. This personality was terrifying to Reid. Raphael is calm, unemotional but strict. Tobias seemed unsure, scared and weaker. This man might be the same man as before, with a deep, dark voice. He was full of anger.

The man stared at Reid before speaking, “What do you think you lookin’ at, boy?!” then he walked over to the burning fish livers and hearts and gave them a stir.

Reid didn’t know what to say so he tried to befriend him, “Thank you for burning those.. it is keeping us safe”

“Don’t try and trick me!”

 _Damnit.. it didn’t work_ , Reid thought. “I would never try and trick you”

“You’re a liar! A sinner! You must be punished!”

The man walked over to Reid, still holding the large stick he used to stir the fish hearts and livers. He pulled off Reid’s shoes and socks and grabbed his foot into his hand. “Confess your sins, boy!” He yelled before hitting the sole of his feet with the stick.

“Ahhhh! No, Please.. I am not a sinner!” Reid screamed before getting hit again. “Agghh! Please stop!”

“Everyone is a sinner, boy! What are you guilty of? Stealing? Homosexuality? False Idolatry? Confess!” the man yelled while hitting Reid’s foot over and over again.

After a few minutes, the man stopped. Reid was struggling to hold back tears and still swore he didn’t have any sins to confess. He spat, “I will find out what you are hiding, boy! I know you are a sinner!”, before walking back out the door. Once again, Reid succumbs to the pain and passed out, welcoming the darkness.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reid woke up to a timid, scared voice, “Hey.. are you okay?.. Damnit, he hurt you didn’t he?”

“Tobias? Is that you?”

“Yeah.. I am sorry he did this..”

Reid was slightly shocked that Tobias had no idea that it was actually him harming Reid, but he didn’t dwell on it. “Who was here before?”

“M-my f-father.. I can’t stop him! He is going to come back and hurt you again!” Tobias looked utterly broken. Reid figured that his father, his real-life father, probably abused him greatly to put this much fear in the man. Tobias quickly got up, grabbing a small bag from behind an old workbench. “Don’t tell him this is here, he doesn’t know”, Tobias said before pulling out needles and a vial of clear liquid.

“What are you doing Tobias?”

Tobias grabbed Reid’s arm and started to roll up his dress shirt’s sleeve. He then took off his belt and wrapped it around Reid’s upper arm. “It helps”.

Reid caught on quickly, “Please don’t Tobias! I am fine, I don’t need that! I don’t want it!”

Tobias moved as if he had done this hundreds of times, completely ignoring Reid’s begging. The needle sunk into his vein and the plunger was pushed down. Reid felt the effects of the unknown drug in seconds. He tried to fight the feeling, but euphoria filled his body. It was an unwelcome but amazing feeling. Everything was going black too fast to keep up as Reid fell into a drug-induced trance.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The BAU team stared at the screens, filled with a live video feed of Reid passed out, handcuffed to a wooden chair. The first one to speak was JJ.

“Oh my… That’s Reid! He looks like he has been beaten!”

“Garcia, can’t you track him?” Hotch said trying to stay as calm as possible but inside he was losing his mind. Reid looked dead in that chair. If it wasn’t for the small rise and fall of his thin chest, he would have been sure he was dead.

Garcia typed as fast as she could, “He is only streaming this to us and he is switching IP addresses every 30 seconds” She continued to type, slowing down her speed, “This isn’t trackable..” Tears started to stream down her face.

The team was shocked. They believed Garcia, she was a tech goddess, if she said it wasn’t possible then it simply wasn’t. No one wanted to believe that though.

Morgan broke the silence, “There has to be something we can do, baby girl.. We can’t just watch Reid suffer on video and have no way to track him!” Morgan tried to control his anger while speaking to Garcia, but his voice was desperate. Garcia started to cry harder, stopping her typing altogether.

“T-there is nothing I can do…”

After a moment of staring at his protégé, Gideon finally spoke, “We should profile the room he is in. Try and figure out what happened and where he might be”. They all focus on the video and started giving ideas, despite the heartache they all felt.

Emily took a step closer, studying the screen, before speaking. “It looks like a workshop, poorly made, possibly by Tobias himself or his father”

JJ couldn’t bring herself to look away from Reid to study the room, so she looked closer at him, “He has been beaten.. but his injuries don’t look life-threatening….”

Hotch moved closer to the screen and noticed something. His heart dropped, “He has been given drugs.. you can see only one of his sleeves have been rolled up and he has a small dot of blood in the inside of his elbow, as well as what looks like a pressure bruise around his upper arm..”

Morgan couldn’t control his anger anymore and punched the door before stepping out for a moment.

JJ put a hand over her mouth, trying not to let her tears fall, “Oh God, Spence… it must be Dilaudid..”

Gideon looked up at JJ and asked, “Dilaudid? Why do you say that?”

Emily and JJ shared a look as they remembered they didn’t get to inform the team with what the sponsor had said about Tobias.

“Bates, Tobias’s old sponsor, said that he had a serious issue with Dilaudid. He would even cut it with a psychedelic. He also said..”

Seeing that JJ was struggling, Emily continued for her, “He also said that Tobias’s father would beat him often after his mother left them when he was 7. He burned a cross into his forehead at 10 and at 13..” Emily stopped for a moment to calm her voice, “At 13 he found Tobias kissing a boy and h-he raped him as punishment for being gay. Bates said he believed that the beatings and rape continued until adulthood”

Suddenly Hotch realized something, “Hold on.. From reading the journals, I believe that one of Tobias’s personalities is his own father, Charles Hankel. This means that we know Tobias has at least Raphael and Charles in his h- “

Morgan had come back by now and cut Hotch off, “Are you telling me that Reid was kidnapped and is being held prisoner by a drug addict, a rapist, and a murdering angel?!”

Emily tried to ease Morgan’s mind, “Well apparently Charles only raped Tobias as punishment for being gay, and Reid isn’t gay, so we don’t have to worry about- “

This time it was Gideon that interrupted, looking like a deer in headlights, “Oh no.. Spencer..”

“Jason? What is it?” Hotch asked, scared to know what the older man was thinking about.

Jason, still staring at the passed out young man on the computer monitors, took a moment to collect his thoughts before speaking, “Well it is not my place to say but under current circumstances... Spencer is gay”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment, Kudos and subscribe!


	3. Outed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: Talk of rape. kidnapping, abuse, drug use, murder, and homophobia.

“Spencer is gay”

The words bounced around the room, forcing everyone to break eye contact with the passed out Spencer Reid on the computer screens and look at the man that said it, Jason Gideon.

“That is not true Gideon!” JJ yelled, “I mean for crying out loud, he even asked me out on a date to a football game when he turned 24. That is just ridiculous”

“JJ is right, Jason. He made out with Lila Archer in her pool as well.” Hotch said. He was conflicted. He would love it if Reid was gay. That meant that he wasn’t hopelessly falling for a straight man, he had some chance to make something work with the younger man if he wanted too. At the same time, he honestly didn’t think Reid was gay. Hotch was a profiler, and a damn good one, he would have seen it if his agent was gay.

Jason took a breath in, “Spencer IS gay and it’s not an arguable statement. I know it for a fact. Haven’t you guys ever wondered how I got to know Reid so well?”

The women gasped as the men turned angry. Morgan grabbed Gideon by his shirt “You better not be saying what I think you are saying!”

Hotch spoke in his Unit Chief, F. B. I. voice, “Jason! Explain yourself.” Touching Morgan’s shoulder, he let go of Gideon.

Gideon was speechless, he didn’t understand why the team was so mad. He thought back over his words and then it hit him, “Ohh. No, no. I would never.. I meant how I got to know about him.. He was in a relationship with my late son, Stephen, for years”. The room was much calmer. Gideon never really mentioned his son before. He had died about five years ago, a little before Reid joined the BAU.

“Stephen met Spencer at Caltech. My son was new to the school while Spencer already had two doctorates and was working on his third. I guess they hit it off. I had no idea that my son had a boyfriend or was even gay until I stopped by his apartment after a guest lecture at Caltech and I- “Gideon paused for a moment, you could almost see him blush, “I accidentally walked in on them.. having sex.. I walked back out to the living room and a moment later they both came out. Reid was apologizing fiercely while my bold son just laughed. Spencer seemed so young and he was somehow thinner than he is now. I didn’t care that my son was gay or that I mistakenly walked in on him with a lover, I became enraged that there was no way this young man could have been a legal adult. I asked Spencer how old he was and when he told me he was 18, I simply didn’t believe him. Without skipping a beat Spencer started ranting on about how bodies mature, statistics on growth patterns and the psychology behind believing someone’s age.

“That sounds just like him.. I am still confused though” Emily said.

Most of the team member’s eyes were back on the live feed of Reid on the screens, while Hotch was hanging on to every word Gideon said.

Jason continued, “Well, I ended up believing him after we all sat down and I saw how mature the boy actually was. I learned more about Spencer. Over time Spencer became more and more like a son to me and we all became quite close… that was until my son died from a car accident. Reid was 20 at the time, he had just finished his third doctorate and was going to continue for his fourth, but Stephen’s death just crushed him. It is also one reason Spencer rarely drives.. My son was the only person Spencer had ever dated and they were madly in love… Since then he has not dated anyone else that I am aware of. He has tried to ignore the fact that he is gay repeatedly as well, by trying to be with women. He was bullied horribly for his sexuality growing up and then his first boyfriend dies... He learned to hide who he is but that doesn’t change the fact that he IS gay”

The room stood still. They were all shocked, not just at the fact that Reid was gay and none of them knew, but at the fact that he felt the need to hide his sexuality to the world. Morgan was filled with guilt about all the times he harassed the young man about dating. He had no idea that he was suffering about it. Morgan was about to speak when they heard movement on the video feed.

All eyes looked over at Spencer Reid on the live video and they saw him start to move. Garcia yelled, “Thank God, Junior G-Man!”, as if Reid could hear her.

Reid sat up some and looked around the room, making eye contact with the camera then saying, _“W-what is all this?... Raphael?”_

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reid started to rouse from his drug-induced sleep. He was confused, having no idea what day or time it was or how long he had been asleep. He did know that his body was shaking; he was hungry, thirsty and very sore. The unknown drug he was given seemed to have helped with his overall pain though, he was slightly grateful. He tried to think about what drug it could have been, _heroin maybe.. or a narcotic, Hydrocodone, Hydromorphone, Meperidine, Morphine or Oxycodone.. could have been cut with something else as well, hard to-_ His thoughts were cut off when he saw Tobias moving around in front of him. He was looking at different computer screens that weren’t there before.

Reid lifted his head and noticed a camera pointing at him. The recording light was off, but he wasn’t sure if that really meant it was off or not. The new computer screens were showing live feeds of people from their homes. _He is hunting for sinners again.. just like the other murders that started this_ , Reid thought. “W-what is all this?” Tobias slowly turned around. He had a calm, unemotional look on his face. “Raphael?”

Raphael looked at the screens, “These are sinners. Choose one to die.”

Reid gasped, “What? No. I will not choose who you murder!”

Raphael took his revolver back out, rechecking the chamber for the single bullet. Spins the barrel and points it back at Reid’s head. “This is God’s will” 

“NO! I will not choose who dies!”

Raphael pulls the trigger. Tears start to stream down Reid’s face as he hears the empty click of the gun.

Raphael calming said, “Romans 6:23, For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. All sinners must die, pick one.”

“Ecclesiastes 7:20, Surely there is not a righteous man on earth who does good and never sins! Everyone sins, that doesn’t mean they should die!” Reid said with confidence, knowing every word of the Bible.

Raphael puts the gun against Reid’s head. “You will not trick me, now pick or succumb to God’s will”, and he pulled the trigger again.

With another empty click, Reid started to panic. His breath was hitched, tears still pouring down his face. He tried to back up from the gun on his head but there was nowhere to go. “Please.. Tobias, stop!”

“I am not Tobias. You know my name. Now pick.” Raphael pulled the trigger again, without warning. Another empty click. Reid knew his luck was running out. That was the third empty barrel, only three left.

 _I don’t want to die!_ Reid’s head was spinning. Logically he knew that if he didn’t pick a person then Raphael would kill him and then go kill someone on the computer screens anyway. _I don’t want to choose who gets murdered! This isn’t fair!_ He looked at the screens again and suddenly yelled, “Fine! Okay.. The one on the far right..” He picked it at random, not really paying attention to who was there, trying to alleviate some of his guilt.

“Shall it be done. This is God’s will”, Raphael said before pointing the gun at the wall behind Reid and pulling the trigger. This time it was followed by a loud gunshot and a bullet hole in the wall behind Reid. Raphael then slowly moved out the door, closing it behind him, leaving Reid alone again. Just the smell of gunpowder and smoke around him, he started to openly sob.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The BAU team was still staring at the computer screens, having just watched Reid be forced to choose who was murdered next. Garcia and JJ were crying, while everyone else was in shock.

Morgan was full of anger, “What the fuck are we supposed to do now?! Just wait for a 911 call and hope that we make it in time?!”

Gideon was the calmest in the room, as usual, “There isn’t much we can do besides time how long Tobias is gone and compare it to the 911 call. We can try and work on a geographical profile to find where he might be keeping Spencer.”

Hotch, trying not to shake, rests his hand on Garcia’s shoulder. “Garcia, Reid will be okay. He is strong. We need you to see if this video feed is live or if there is a delay. This will help us find out where Reid is, okay?”

Garcia was still staring at Reid sob and gasp on the video stream, while she openly cried with him.

Morgan looked at Garcia, “Baby girl.. it will be okay. We will get him back! We need your help though.”

Garcia wiped her face and started typing. “Okay.. it looks like this is live. The delay is only a few seconds to allow for the moving IP addresses…” Garcia stopped typing and looked back at the live feed, “I don’t think he knows we can see him, Derek… He thinks he is all alone!”

They turn back to the video and watch Reid try and dry his tears and calm down. He tries to reach his face with his hands but the strap he is handcuffed to doesn’t allow him to reach. This causes anger to fly through Reid. He thrashes around on the chair and starts to scream, _“GOD DAMNIT! LET ME OUT, YOU CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER!... HELP! Anyone!”_ After thrashing for a few minutes his anger dies back down, _“someone.. anyone.. please…”_

There isn’t a dry eye in the room as they watch, helplessly, as their youngest team member tries to scream for help that isn’t coming. They watch Reid look up, towards the area he looked at when he picked who was going to die. Hotch’s phone rings.

“Agent Hotchner.. Understood.. How far out?.. We will meet you there” Hotch hangs up the phone. “We need to go! They just received a 911 call at 845 Gree- “. Hotch was cut off by Reid screaming, _“STOP! DON’T KILL HER! RUN! NOOO! Please…”_ Reid then gagged a few times without throwing up before putting his head down and sobbing again.

Gideon let out a long sigh, “It’s too late.. Reid just watched Tobias kill her..”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to comment and leave Kudos. Let me know how I am doing and where I can improve! This is my first fanfic and I am nervous!


	4. Out of Leads

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: Talk of rape. kidnapping, abuse, drug use, murder, and homophobia.

The BAU team decided to split up, Hotch, Gideon, and Emily would go to the crime scene, JJ and Garcia would stay in Tobias’s computer room watching Reid and seeing when Tobias came back. While Morgan would work on a geographical profile and go through the journals some more.

Hotch sped to the crime scene, hoping that there would be something left behind that would help them find Reid. He tried to keep calm, but he couldn’t get the conversation he had with Jason before they left out of his head.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Right after Hotch gave out his orders, Gideon pulled him to the side._

_“Aaron, maybe you should stay here and help watch the video feed.”_

_Hotch was confused and slightly angry at having his orders questioned, “Why would I do that?”_

_Gideon spoke calmly and quietly so no one else could hear him, “You are clearly upset at Spencer being kidnapped and I know you would feel better if you had your eyes on him, instead of just seeing the aftermath of what his kidnapper did”_

_“We are all upset about Reid being missing, I ca-“_

_Gideon interrupted, “Aaron.. come on. I have been doing this job for almost 30 years. I can tell when someone is in love with someone else”_

_“Jason! I don’t lo-“_

_Gideon cut Hotch off again, “Don’t bother to deny it, Aaron. I probably knew before you did. Also, you could have hidden your excitement over learning Spencer is gay better. Gideon paused for a moment when he saw Hotch get angry. “Listen, I am not judging you. Spencer is an amazing young man, beyond brilliant and deceptively strong. I don’t blame you for falling in love with him, even if a relationship between you two wouldn’t be allowed in the F. B. I… I am just saying that you should stay here and watch Spencer. It might ease your mind.”_

_Hotch wasn’t sure what to say. While he knew he had feelings for Reid, he didn’t think about the fact that he was in love with him… That wasn’t possible, right? He couldn’t find it in himself to deny it though. It is true… He is in love with his younger, male, subordinate agent. Looking at Gideon, he saw no judgment on his face._

_“Jason.. I- I can’t keep watching him suffer on that screen, knowing there is nothing I can do to stop it. I need to DO something.”_

_“Alright. We should get going then”_

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The crime scene was just like the others Tobias left. He called 911 before slashing the woman’s throat and cutting two vertical gashes. One in her arm, from wrist to elbow, and one on her leg, crotch to upper thigh. Gideon, Hotch, and Emily went around the crime scene looking for anything out of place. The first thing they noticed was that the woman’s computer was missing.

Emily looked around the room, “If Reid was screaming because he watched the murder, then the webcam must have been right in front of her, or at least in the same room. I don’t see anything.”

Hotch walked over to an area of blood splatter on the desk in front of the body, “Here. The laptop was sitting here. You can see where this area doesn’t have blood splatter while the surrounding area does.”

“Okay.. but why would he take the laptop, he has never done that before. That is a deviation from his M.O.” Emily said, looking at the empty spot on the desk.

Hotch thought for a minute before answering, “He doesn’t want to be tracked.. If we had the laptop, we might be able to see where he was streaming the webcam video too. He might not have used as much protection as he is with Reid’s video stream.” Hotch was starting to shake again. He looked at the bloody dead body in front of him and he fully knew that the man that did this, has Spencer. He could easily kill Spencer but for some reason, he hasn’t yet. That fact should ease his stress, but it just made him worry more.. _If he hasn’t killed Spencer yet, then he must have something else planned for him.._

Gideon walked in the room holding a piece of paper, “If anyone sins and does what is forbidden in any of the Lord’s commands, even though they do not know it, they are guilty and will be held responsible. Leviticus 5:17.. He thinks Spencer is a sinner and he wants him to be held responsible.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hotch, Gideon, and Emily finished up at the crime scene and had just pulled up to Tobias’s house. They were all feeling hopeless. There was nothing useful at the crime scene and it was clear that Tobias didn’t want to give any clues as to where he was holding Reid.

Hotch walked into the computer room, “Alright, what do we have?”

Morgan looked down at a map and started, “The 911 call came in at 8:43 pm and officers were on the scene within 5 minutes.

Garcia spoke next, still looking at the video feed of Reid, “We saw Tobias come back to Reid at 9:56 pm. That tells us he had about an hour and 13 minutes of travel time.”

JJ looked away from the screens, looking exhausted, “But.. he left Spence at about 8:04 pm. Which is about 40 minutes of travel time”

“That gives us a 30-mile range around the victim’s house,” Morgan said, marking the map he was holding.

Hotch was pleased with this information, “Prentiss, call the sheriff. I want that area shut down. He has to be somewhere in there!” Hotch ordered before looking at JJ, “Why did it take him so long to get back to Reid though?”

“I think he stopped and bought drugs.. maybe food too. When Tobias came back, the first thing he did was open a clean needle and give him more Dilaudid.. Reid passed out again for about 10 minutes but when he woke up, Tobias helped him urinate in a bucket and gave him some food and drink” JJ answered.

Hotch looked back at Reid on the screen, noticing that he wasn’t awake again. “But he is asleep again already?”

Garcia started to sniff and dabbed her eyes with a tissue, “Our good doctor was begging Tobias to let him out. It was so painful to watch.. Telling him to just undo the handcuffs, that he won’t tell the others. It didn’t work. Tobias ended up giving him more Dilaudid and our baby has been passed out since..”

Gideon walked over to a computer screen and brushed the image of Reid with his fingers, “It is probably a blessing in disguise. He doesn’t have to be awake for all of this and he gets some pain relief..”

Emily finished her phone call to the sheriff and walked back inside the computer room, “The sheriff said they were going to set up multiple roadblocks and send officers to ask any business in the area if they had seen Tobias.”

By now it was past midnight, Reid had been missing for two days already and they had no leads besides a general area that they might be. The video of the murder still hadn’t been posted online and it was unclear if Tobias would post it at all, now that he is trying to hide Reid. The team was mentally and physically exhausted. They needed a break.

Hotch looked around at his exhausted agents, “We are going to take shifts watching the camera feed while the others sleep. I know watching Reid suffer is hard so we will be in groups. Morgan and Garcia, JJ and Gideon and Prentiss and me. We will take the first shift. The rest of you, go sleep. We will need it if we are going to find Reid. We will wake you if anything important happens.”

“But Hotch!” Morgan said, looking panicked. “I can’t just sleep knowing that Reid is out there! We gotta keep trying man!”

“Morgan, this isn’t easy on any of us, but we will be useless if we do not get some sleep. Now go.” Hotch ordered again.

Garcia rose from the computer chair, grabbing her bag. She placed her hand on Morgan’s shoulder and silently led him out. Morgan and Reid are best friends, brothers. This was hard on him, but it was hard on all of them. With the room cleared out, Emily and Hotch take a seat in front of the computer screens. Hotch looks at Reid, passed out in the wooden chair, on the screen and tears come to his eyes again. He doesn’t let them fall, instead, he takes a deep breath and tries to regain his composure.

Emily shifted in her chair and looking over at Hotch, “I know this must be hard for you..”

“This is hard on everyone, Prentiss.”

“Of course sir. I just know how.. close you two are. Having worked together for so long I mean.”

 _What is she getting at? She can’t possibly know how I feel for Reid, she hasn’t even worked with the unit that long?_ Hotch thought to himself before saying, “What are you trying to say?”

Emily seemed nervous, knowing she touched a nerve. “Nothing sir. Hmm.. I am going to get some coffee from the kitchen, would you like some?”

“No, thank you.” Hotch quickly answered. _That was odd.. I know I work with profilers, but I can’t possibly be that obvious, can I?_

Emily was only gone a few minutes. Hotch and Emily stared at the screen in silence until they saw Reid start to move, about two hours into their three hour shift.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reid woke up from another drug-induced sleep. _Damnit.. where am I? Oh yeah.. Kidnapped by Tobias. Well, Tobias, Charles, and Raphael.. Why can’t I ever have any normal fans?_ Reid took a look around the room. Not much had changed since he was awake last. He didn’t see Tobias, but it also looked dark outside, so he figured he was probably asleep somewhere. He looked at the camera pointing at him again. He didn’t understand why the camera was there if the recording light was off. _Most of Tobias’s computer equipment looks homemade or salvaged. Maybe the camera was refurbished as well. It does have cords connecting to the computer in the other room. Maybe the team is watching.. then again Tobias is known for just posting his crimes online. I am probably being watched by disturbed strangers._ Despite the fact that he didn’t think the team was actually watching, he spoke anyway.

“Hello? Anyone there? I- I don’t know if anyone is watching this, or if the camera is even on.. But.. I need help!” Reid took a shaken breath before continuing. “My name is Dr. Spencer Reid. I work for the Behavioral Analysis Unit in the F. B. I. at Quantico, Virginia. My unit chief is SSA Aaron Hotchner. I was kidnapped by a man named Tobias Hankel. He has D.I.D. and is unstable. Please help me! I am currently at…. I don’t know. I know I am in Georgia… I have no idea where I am. I don’t hear anything, and I can’t see outside...” Reid stops and starts to tear up again. _What am I doing? The camera is probably off and if someone was watching this, they are probably just as sick as Tobias._ Disparity starts to set in, causing logical thinking to take a back seat and Reid yells at the camera. “Please! There has to be someone there! Morgan, JJ, Aaron?! Can anyone see this?! Help me..”

Reid didn’t hear Tobias coming into the room due to his screaming.

“Shut your mouth, boy!” The deep voice was welcomed with a strong punch to the gut, knocking the wind out of Reid. “Nobody is comin’ for you! Hell, it already been more than two days! Nobody cares ‘bout a sinner like you!” He punched Reid in the stomach again. “Now shut your mouth ‘fore I shut it for you!” He then gave Reid a strong punch to the face, causing blood to drip from his cracked, dry lips. “I’ll deal with you in the mornin’, boy. You need to be punished for your sins.”

Reid sat back in his chair once Tobias/Charles left the room. He stared blankly at the camera, letting silent tears run down his cheeks and mix with the blood on his shirt and chin.

_No one is coming for me.._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are these chapters too long? Too short?  
> The next chapter will be out in the next day or so. I have never written a fanfic before and I am having a blast.  
> Remember to review and kudos! Thanks for reading!


	5. Confess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings- use of gay slurs, mention of rape.

By 9am, the whole BAU team was awake and most members were moving around the kitchen, getting breakfast and coffee, while Morgan and Garcia were still in the computer room, finishing up their shift of watching Reid. After everyone at least grabbed a coffee, Hotch called the team into the small computer room.

“Let’s debrief.” Hotch looked around the room, eyeing Emily. It was clear that she didn’t want to talk about the beating and begging that they watched Reid go through last night, so he started. “In all, Prentiss and I didn’t see anything that gave us any clues to where Reid is..”

Gideon and Hotch’s eyes met. Gideon knew they saw something, and he needed to know what, “But what exactly did you two see Aaron?

Hotch sighed, “Reid woke up and started begging to be found to the camera. It is clear that he doesn’t know we are watching him, and he doesn’t even think the camera is on. He also has no idea where he is at. He stated that he cannot see outside from his position and does not hear any background noise.” Hotch tried to distance himself from what happened by speaking as technical as he could. This way Spencer just seemed like any other victim with any other Unsub. “The Unsub heard Reid’s begging and came back inside the room. Yelling at him and delivering two punches to the stomach and one to the face. The rest of the time Reid spent staring at the camera, not moving..”

The room was full of sadness. Even with Hotch’s professional explanation, it was impossible to distance themselves from this case and from the fact that it was going on the third day of Reid being missing. They were feeling hopeless.

Gideon started next, “We didn’t see much. Spencer looked at the camera for almost the whole three hours of our shift. Towards the end, Tobias came in, tried to clean his face, helped him relieve himself, gave him something to drink and more Dilaudid before apologizing for his father and leaving. Spencer was asleep when we switched.”

Morgan finally looked up from the computer screen, “He has been asleep the whole time for us. We thought we heard Tobias in the room with him a few times, but we never saw him on video and he never spoke. Garcia has been working on increasing the background noise and a program to help find where Tobias is streaming this from.”

Garcia stopped typing and quietly spoke, “So far I haven’t found anything… I don’t know how we are going to save him…”

Morgan reached over and wrapped his arm around Garcia, “Baby girl.. we WILL find him! No one is giving up.” Morgan looked over at Hotch, “I don’t understand why Tobias has put the camera up streaming to us if Reid doesn’t know we are watching him. I thought it was to add to the torture, knowing that your team, your family, is watching you suffer. Reid such a private person; he would hate to know we are watching him go through this. But now.. I don’t understand”

Gideon started to explain, “The only one who really knows is Tobias. Tobias is basically three different people. He is maintaining three distinct and relatively enduring personality states. By apologizing to Reid, it shows that he is unaware that his father and Raphael are actually himself. Tobias might be trying to reach out to us to help Spencer but can’t because he fears the other two people, so the camera is as close as he can get.”

Hotch looks over at Garcia, “Garcia, I need you to be on top of this stream. It is possible that Tobias will purposely slip and give us a clue to help find Reid. I believe Tobias wants to help him, that is why he is drugging him. Drugs helped him deal with the physical, sexual and emotional abuse he received from his father, so he is trying to help Reid the same way.”

The room got quiet before Morgan asked the question that everyone was thinking about, “You don’t think Tobias would sexu- “. Morgan stopped and looked at the screen. They all heard Reid groan and start to stir, still handcuffed to the wooden chair. Loud stomping came into the room before he could even open his eyes.

_“Time to confess, boy!”_

Suddenly Tobias/Charles charged into the frame, undoing the leather belt that strapped Reid to the chair and forcing his, still handcuffed, arms above his head. He picked Reid up slightly and forced his handcuffs on to the butcher’s hook above Reid. Despite Reid’s long frame, he could barely touch the ground, leaving him hanging mostly by his wrists from the ceiling.

The team watched in stunned silence. Garcia had started to cry again, covering her mouth with her hands. They watched Tobias/Charles walk out of the frame for a moment, hoping that he wouldn’t come back, but he did. This time he was holding a thin metal rod and he had a dark, sinister smile on his face.

_“A whip is for the horse, a bridle for the donkey, And a rod for the back of FOOLS. Proverbs 26:3.”_

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Reid woke up, he was confused and disoriented again. _Probably from the drugs.. maybe the concussion,_ he thought to himself.

“Time to confess, boy!” He heard Tobias come into the room, but the voice was Charles. _Shit.. not him again._

Before Reid even had enough time to open his eyes and look at the man, he was ripped from the chair, lifted and his handcuffs were placed on the strange hook on the ceiling that he noticed his first day. Charles walked out the room. Knowing he would come back, Reid tried to get free, but it was pointless. His bare, sore, feet barely touched the floor and he knew he needed to save the little strength he had left. _I have to think of a plan.. there is no telling what he is going to do. I don’t have anything to confess!_ Reid thought to himself before he saw Charles walk back in the room holding a thin metal rod

“A whip is for the horse, a bridle for the donkey, And a rod for the back of FOOLS. Proverbs 26:3.”

_Fuck.._

Before Reid had enough time to brace for the impact of the rod, he was struck on the back. **_WHIP!_**

“Ahhhhhhhhhhh!! Please stop Charles!” **_WHIP!_** Another whip hit his back and Reid let out another startling scream.

“Who said you could call me by my first name?!” **_WHIP!_** A third whip and another scream echoed the small, dim room. “Call me Sir, boy.”

Reid could feel the cold air on his skin as his dress shirt was ripped open by the metal rod. The rod was thin and flexible, it did more damage than he was expecting. He could feel a warmth running down his back and smelt the sick metallic scent of blood. The pain was almost unbearable, he stopped caring about his dignity and started begging. “PLEASE SIR! STOP!”

 ** _WHIP!_** Charles whipped him with the rod one more time before walking in front of him. “Confess your sins so you can be punished, boy”

Reid was shaking, trying not to cry. “P-please s-sir. I d-don’t have anything to c-confess! I-I work for the g-government, I punish evi- “. **_SMACK!_** Charles punched Reid in the face before he could finish, causing Reid to cry out again.

“You ARE a sinner! You were givin’ to me to punish, just like my good for nothin’ son!” Charles walked back behind Reid, holding the rod up. “I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish. Luke 13:3. Now.. CONFESS!” Charles yelled before whipping him with the rod again.

“AHHH! SIR! I don’t have anything to- “. **_WHIP!_** Charles whipped him again, “AHHHH! PLEASE!”

“Are you a thief?!”

“NO SIR!” ** _WHIP!_**

“Are you a liar?!”

“NO SIR!” ** _WHIP!_**

“Are you a cheater?!”

“NO SIR, PLEAS- “. **_WHIP!_**

“Are you a homosexual?!”

“… NO SIR!”

The whipping and questions stopped for a moment, blood and tears were dripping on to the floor around Reid. Charles let out a chuckle and walked in front of Reid again. He grabbed his face hard by his chin and said, “You paused boy. You fuckin’ faggot! I knew you were a sinner!”

“No sir, I-I am not! I a-am not g-gay!” Reid said with a trembling, desperate voice. **_SMACK!_** Reid was punched in the face again and the grip on his chin came back.

“Just like my faggot son! I’ll punish you for this indiscretion, just like I punished him!” Suddenly the grip on Reid’s chin loosened and there was a change on Charles’s face. A timid, quieter voice spoke, “Oh no.. he hurt you. Are you okay Spencer?”

“Tobias? T-thank you..” Reid said before putting his head down and crying loudly.

Tobias softly placed his hands on both sides of Reid’s face and gently wiped his tears with his thumbs. “Don’t thank me.. he will be back, and he will punish you.. He.. my father is going to rape you Spencer.. just like he did to me..”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please Kudos and Review! I really appreciate any input, good or bad.
> 
> -Dextolan, I tried to have the dialogue flow better on this chapter and I am much happier with it. Thanks again!


	6. Punishment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Graphic depiction of rape and suicidal thoughts/speech

Tobias’s computer room was mostly cleared out by now, leaving only Gideon, Hotch and Morgan. JJ and Garcia couldn’t stomach to watch Reid’s torture. Emily joined the other two women, claiming to want to comfort them, despite tears running down her cheeks. Morgan was far from the computer screens, clearly angry and not wanting to look too closely at the video. Gideon sat beside Hotch, trying to compartmentalize the situation by taking notes on a small notebook. Hotch was trying to not fall apart. Tears finally started to fall from his eyes when he heard Tobias speak to Reid

_“Don’t thank me.. he will be back, and he will punish you.. He.. my father is going to rape you Spencer.. just like he did to me..”_

Hotch was full of mixed emotions, relieved that Charles left and is no longer whipping Reid and fear of what they know is about to come. They continued to watch Reid and Tobias on the screen.

_“W-w-what did you just say?” Reid said in disbelief._

Tobias moved one of his hands off from Reid’s cheek and brushed it through his blood matted hair, tucking his hair behind his ear. He then leaned forward and placed a light kiss on Reid’s forehead. Reid was too weak to move away from his kidnapper’s touch or push the issue.

 _What the fuck is he doing?_ Hotch thought to himself, feeling his anger swell. Gideon noticed Hotch’s fist clench and shake and placed his hand on his shoulder.

_“Don’t worry about that right now, Spencer. I need to fix you up before my father comes back..”_

_“Please Tobias… let me go. Let me out of here. I can get us help! Your father will never harm us again!”_

_“Honora patrem… Honor thy father.”_ The remaining team members watch Tobias place a gentle kiss on Reid’s cheek before walking away and grabbing a small black bag. He opened the bag and took out a vial of clear liquid and a packaged needle, _“I have no choice.. He will always win”_ They heard Tobias say as he prepped the needle. Reid didn’t even flinch as the needle was inserted into his bruised skin. Hotch held his breath as he watched Reid flash a small smile at the flow of drugs and he welcomed the darkness that followed. Tobias dosed himself with the Dilaudid as well, but he stayed awake.

Morgan moved over to a third chair in the room and finally sat down, hoping that the worst was behind them. “Hotch.. I am not sure how much more of this the kid can take.”

Hotch let out a trembling sigh and brought his hands up to his face, drying it. He watched Tobias take off what was left of Reid’s dress shirt and start to wash the blood off of his unconscious body. He looked as if he was taking great care in addressing Reid’s wounds. It made Hotch sick, “I know Morgan. We need to talk with the rest of the team.”

Gideon watching Hotch, seeing that Hotch didn’t want to stop watching Reid, he got up and called the ladies back in the room.

JJ and Garcia gasped as they walked into the room, seeing Reid’s bloody, marred, unconscious body hang from the ceiling of the dim room. Morgan stood, turning his back to the screens in an attempt to shield them from seeing Reid.

Hotch stood up as well but didn’t turn away from the screens, taking a moment to gain his composure before speaking.

Thankfully Emily spoke up first, “I just got off the phone with the sheriff. They went door to door to every home in the 30-mile range we provided as well as 10 miles past the range. They stopped at every business as well, they didn’t get anything.. They still have several road-stops up but so far those are hitting a dead end as well. He mentioned that the issue they are having is how remote the area is and that Reid looks to be in a poorly constructed shed or workshop. He could be anywhere..”

Hotch couldn’t control himself anymore and turned around to face the team, “I don’t care! They need to go door by door again! Question everyone possible! Get dogs and go through the woods!” Several tears escaped Hotch’s eyes and rolled down his cheeks. “We are NOT just going to let him die, alone, with a crazy man! We have to save Spencer..”

Gideon finally stood and faced Hotch, “Aaron, I know you saw it.”

“Yes Jason I did but that doesn’t mean that one of his alters won’t kill him anyway!”

“Saw what?” JJ said, looking confused between the two older men.

“Tobias is in love with Spencer,” Gideon said plainly. “This means that Tobias will want to help Spencer, keep him from dying. It is possible he could even force himself out of being Charles or Raphael if he feels that Spencer is in serious trouble and might die.”

“Why does that not seem comforting?” Morgan asked sarcastically.

Hotch turned around, looking back at the screens. Tobias was gone and most of the blood was off of Reid. Hotch looked up and down Reid’s shirtless body. Even covered in bruises and cuts, Hotch still found him beautiful. He knew what was going to happen to him once Charles came back and he felt hopeless. Hotch turned back to his agents, “Okay.. we are losing day light. Prentiss, JJ, Morgan, go to the police station and help any way you can. I don’t care if we have to walk every inch of woods, we will find him. Garcia, I need you to keep trying to get Reid’s location. If not from this live stream, then any other video Tobias has ever posted. Turn over every rock but I do not want you to watch the stream. Can you do that on your computer in the other room?

“Yes my liege, I will get right on it!”

“Jason and I will alternate between watching Reid and going through the home and journals.” Hotch looked back at Reid on the video, “Listen.. we all know what is going to happen to Reid when Charles comes back. He would not want anyone to see that. We all know how private and modest he can be. He would also not want our pity. Because of this only Jason and I will watch if that time comes.”

Emily looked at Hotch with concern, but she left the room with JJ and Garcia. Morgan lingered, “Hotch. I want to watch Reid too. I need to know if he is okay. I can’t just leave the kid.”

“You are not leaving him; you are making better use of your time and skills. Now hurry up and go.”

Morgan went to leave but paused, looking back at Hotch, “Are you going to be okay, man? This must be hard for you.”

 _Why does everyone keep saying that? I hate profilers sometimes.._ Hotch thought before nodding and giving Morgan a stoic glare.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reid woke up to the feeling of someone touching him. He felt extremely weak and couldn’t figure out what was happening. His back felt on fire and his arms were numb from his full weight hanging on them. He tried to move back to a standing position but felt the person again. _Who is that? Oh God no…_ Reid tried to look behind him and caught sight of Tobias, unsure what personality he was in, cutting the fabric of his work pants. The large hunting knife nicked his leg a few times as it cut his pants from hip to ankle. He held his breath as he felt his pants fall off of him, glad that he still has his boxers on.

“For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done, and there is no partiality. Colossians 3:25” the person said in an angry, deep voice.

_Fuck.. It is Charles again. I have no strength left and no one is coming for me!_

Reid felt Charles's eyes on him, “It is time for your punishment, boy! Sinners need to be punished!” Charles said as he moved around behind Reid. He heard the sound of a belt unhooking.

Reid gave up all hope, “Why are you doing this?! Why don’t you just kill me?!”.

Charles let out a dark laugh, “My wretched son wants to keep you and well, I have never let him have a pet before.” Charles laughed again before slapping Reid hard on his back, right where his lashes are. He caused several wounds to open up again and blood dripped on to his back. Charles took his hand and rubbed the blood around, covering his hand in the sticky liquid.

Reid heard Charles’s pants drop and a squishy, slick sound followed. Reid froze, _This twisted fucker.. He is using my blood as lubrication.._ “Please sir.. don’t. You don’t have to do this!”

Reid felt his boxers lower slightly before Charles moved closer and spoke, “Yes I do. All sinners must be punished!” Suddenly Charles gripped Reid’s hips and thrusted his blood coated cock deep into Reid’s unprepared hole. Reid let out a blood-curdling scream, which seemed to egg Charles on. A small chuckle came from Charles and Reid was penetrated helplessly.

Charles picked up the speed as Reid started to sob and beg, “PLEASE SIR! STOP! I AM SORRY! I CAN’T TAKE THIS! JUST KILL ME!! PLEASE, SIR!” Reid’s begging didn’t stop as Charles started to thrust hard and fast into Reid. The room was full of the sound of begging, crying and a sickening slapping sound as Charles’s hips hit Reid’s backside. Charles picked up the speed and started to let out small moans. He was close to orgasm.

Reid didn’t notice, he just continued to beg and wish for death, his tears falling on to the floor. After a few more minutes Charles let out a deep, loud groan as he orgasmed, shooting his cum deep into the younger, unwilling man. Charles leaned his sweaty body on Reid before pulling out of his abused hole. Blood and cum dripped out of Reid, leaving behind the smell of metal and salt.

Charles pulled Reid’s boxers back up, causing a wet patch of blood to form on them, before pulling his own pants up and saying “I will punish the world for its evil, and the wicked for their iniquity; I will put an end to the pomp of the arrogant and lay low the pompous pride of the ruthless, Isaiah 13:11” before leaving the room and all the suffering he just caused in it.

Reid tried to calm down but couldn’t. He was panicking. He felt the growing blood patch on his boxers and knew he was losing too much blood. He felt as if he was stabbed by a knife repeatedly. He looked down at the floor and saw his blood mixed with his rapist’s seed and he threw up. Gagging and heaving until he passed out.

_No one is coming for me.. no one cares. I just want to die._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took longer than I thought it would. Please let me know what you think and leave Kudos!  
> Also, I went back and edited the past five chapters for clarity in dialogue but the storyline didn't change.


	7. Watching

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: Graphic description of rape and torture

The BAU team worked tirelessly to find Reid after Hotch gave out his orders. Morgan, Emily, and JJ were at the field office, tracking down anyone Tobias or Charles might have known in the area as well as the landowners of every piece of land in the 30-mile radius Reid was in. Garcia was in the dining room of Tobias’s home, trying to track any activity Tobias had made online. Hotch had watched Reid for several hours while he hung unconsciously from his handcuffs. Hotch had just switched with Gideon and was now in the living room, reading journals that Tobias wrote. It was getting late and they were still not any closer to finding Reid

_It is already dark outside.. yet another day that Reid is missing, and we are left clueless._ Hotch thought to himself. He was about to call the other half of the team to tell them to wrap it up for the night when he noticed that Tobias’s computer room door was shut. _Jason didn’t shut that door when he first went in, none of us have shut it so far, so why is it shut now?_

Hotch walked over to the computer room and before he could open the door he heard quiet crying. He figured it was Reid and Gideon must have shut the door in order to not bother Garcia, so he quietly opened it. The first thing he noticed was that all of the monitors were off except for the one right in front of Gideon, which he couldn’t see from his position. Then he saw large headphones over Gideon’s ears, probably Tobias’s. _But if Jason has headphones on, who is crying?_ Then it hit him, Gideon was crying. Hotch panicked, he had only ever seen his friend cry once and that was after he learned his son died. Still not being able to see the live video feed, Hotch moved quickly, pushing Gideon slightly out of the way.

When he looked at the screen he gagged, swallowing his bile back down. Hotch had seen some horrible things in his time in the F. B. I. but nothing could have prepared him to see the man he loved, his agent, being raped by a mentally ill man. He was thankful that he couldn’t hear what was going on. He watched Charles thrust deeply into Reid one last time before shaking slightly, leaning on Reid and pulling himself out of the young man.

_There is so much blood…_

He saw Charles lift Reid’s boxers back up, as well as his own pants, say something that he couldn’t hear and leave. Hotch was full of anger, “How can he just leave Reid like that?! He could die! He- “. Hotch was cut off by the sight of Reid vomiting. Even on the poor quality monitor Hotch could see Reid catch eye of all of the blood mixed with semen on the floor below him. He saw Reid continue to vomit until he passed out.

“Spencer! Spence! Jason is he alive?! SAY SOMETHING!” Hotch looked over at Gideon, who was still sitting in the computer chair, eyes locked on to Reid. For the first time, Hotch saw true fear on Gideon. His eyes were red and watery, tear lines coated his face. He was shaking, in shock and speechless. Hotch looked back at Reid as he, once again, hung unconsciously from his wrists. He sighed a breath of relief when he noticed the small rise and fall of his lithe chest. “Okay.. he is breathing. He is still alive for now.”

Hotch sat down in the chair next to Gideon, placing his hand on the older man’s arm. Gideon jumped slightly, finally breaking his attention from the screen. “Jason. He is alive. It will be okay; you shouldn’t have watched that alone.”

Jason reached up, drying his face, “I- I- I can’t lose another son. Spencer is closer to me then my own son was. That was horrific, Aaron.. Spencer begged for Tobias to kill him. He is losing hope.”

Hotch tried to keep a brave face, “We are doing everything we can. We will find him, he is strong. He won’t give up.” _We have to be able to find him, right?_

_\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Gideon and Hotch watched Reid for a few more hours, shutting off the rest of the world. They watched as Charles came back and raped him again, just minutes after Reid gained consciousness. They watched as Reid begged for death, as he was stripped naked, as he was ruthlessly penetrated, as more blood dripped out of his body. This time Reid passed out before Charles was finished with him. 

Morgan, JJ, and Emily came back with food for the team. Garcia was still working nonstop in the dining room. The three BAU members weren’t happy, they had more information on Tobias and the land in the 30-mile range of where Reid was expected to be held but no solid leads.

Morgan set the takeout bags on the dining room table, saying hi to Garcia before going and getting the two senior members from the computer room. He knocked on the door but opened it right away. “Hey guys, we brought- “. Morgan stopped midsentence. He looked at the two men, hunched over in the computer chairs, looking grief-stricken. It was clear that they both had been crying. He noticed all the other screens were turned off so he tried to look at the screen that was still on but couldn’t see around the men. As he got closer, both men stood, turning to look at Morgan, while instinctively covering the screen with their bodies. Morgan started to panic, “What.. what happened? Let me see him!”

Hotch started to explain, “Stop Morgan. Reid wouldn’t want you to see him like this. He is alive, that is all you need to know.”

“That is not good enough! I need to know what happened! I need to see him!” Morgan yelled at his supervisor.

“Agent Morgan. That is enough!” Hotch yelled back, still trying to protect Reid’s dignity.

“Fuck that Hotch! No! He is my best friend, my brother! Please, man! I need to see him!”

Gideon and Hotch shared a look and then slowly moved to the side.

Morgan froze, not getting any closer for a better view. “No… Kid… Are you guys sure he is alive?” Reid’s naked body was covered in blood, Charles took his blood and rubbed it on his body as he raped him, making him look like a dead character from a horror movie. Morgan couldn’t continue to look at Reid, so he shifted his gaze to Hotch.

“Yes Morgan, he is alive.”

Gideon quickly added, “Alive for now..”

“Jason! Stop that!” Hotch was trying desperately to stay positive. The reality was just too hard. He knew that the chances of Reid surviving were decreasing by the minute, but he couldn’t think of that. He couldn’t accept the fact that the last time he might see Reid alive was on this damned video stream. That he would have to watch him die at the hands of a sick man. That he would never be able to tell Reid how he felt about him. It was too heartbreaking.

Gideon sat back down in the computer chair, sighing deeply. “Aaron, take Morgan back into the dining room and debrief with the team. Get something to eat and figure out a shift schedule for watching Reid tonight. We can’t have JJ and Garcia watch the feed and Spencer would not want Prentiss to watch either.”

Hotch didn’t like Gideon telling him what to do but he ignored it. He could tell his friend just wanted to be alone for a little bit. He nodded at Gideon and led Morgan out of the room, shutting the door behind him.

The women heard Morgan yelling and were on edge, all stopping what they were doing and staring at the two men leaving the computer room. Emily spoke first, “Guys.. what happened? Is Reid okay?”

_Should I tell them the truth? Would Reid want his female team members to know he was raped and is now hanging naked, covered in his own blood? Fuck.. he is so logical. He would probably say they should know to guaranty the best chance of finding the victim… Victim. That is what he is now. How is he going to recover from this?_

“Bossman?... Are you okay?” Garcia said, pulling Hotch out of his thoughts.

“Come, have a seat everyone. We need to debrief.” Hotch said before having a seat at the dining room table, still painfully aware of the fact that they were staying in the home of his crush’s torturer. After everyone, except for Gideon, was sitting at the dining room table Hotch started, “I do not want to get into the details but JJ, Prentiss and Garcia, you are not to look at the video feed of Reid anymore. Reid would not want you all to see him in the state he is in right now.” Hotch looked at the female agents and saw their confusion and fear. “He is alive. Don’t worry. He… Charles has raped him twice today and he is currently naked, covered in blood and bruises and still hanging from the hook on the ceiling of that room…”

“Oh God.. Spence,” JJ said as she covered her mouth. Emily was speechless and Garcia started to cry again. Morgan moved over and gave Garcia a small hug.

Hotch continued looking at Morgan, “I am not sure how to divide the shifts to watch Reid tonight, do you have any preference?”

Emily spoke before Morgan could, “Hotch, I can still watch Reid. I will be alright.”

“No.” Hotch quickly answered, “It will be bad enough to Reid that anyone watched his torture. He is a modest and private person; he doesn’t even change in front of others when we share hotel rooms or when he is forced to go to the gym with us.” The fond memory if Reid going to the gym with the team lit everyone’s faces up for a fleeting moment.

“Okay sir.. but I am always available to watch him if needed,” Emily said, slightly grateful she didn’t have to watch her friend, someone she thought of as a younger brother, hang naked and tortured.

Hotch asked the team if they made any progress and thanked them for their hard work. While there weren’t any leads, they were closer to one then they were before. Hotch came up with a shift schedule and explained it to Morgan while they started to get plates and eat. Before eating, he went into the computer room with Gideon. He brought him food and explained the shifts to him as well. After everyone ate and the food was cleaned up, everyone turned down for the night. Hotch took the first shift in watching Reid. Sleep escaped everyone, knowing that their friend and youngest teammate might be dead by morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please remember to give me feedback and kudos! I am already working on the next chapter. I know Reid's torture has been nonstop but it will come to an end, as all good things do.


	8. Punish Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Graphic description of rape, torture, murder and gay slurs.

Reid woke up in a daze again, not sure where he was or what happened. The first thing he noticed was how sore his body was as he moved himself to get into a standing position and take his weight off of his wrists and arms. He looked around and noticed it was light outside. He had no idea what time it was though, which he hated. As he moved his feet, he felt something sticky. He looked down and saw a small pool of blood with some cream color mixed in, both of which were almost dry. He took a deep breath as he remembered what had happened through the night.

He was raped two more times throughout the night by Charles before Tobias came back. He never thought he would be happy to see Tobias, but he was so grateful. Tobias spoke to Reid with kind words, kissing him several times. Reid allowed himself to be shamelessly kissed out of fear he would leave without giving him any drugs. Reid knew that the drugs were bad, but he didn’t care. He just wanted the pain and growing shakes to stop. Also, he found that he didn’t mind being kissed and cared for by Tobias. It was strangely comforting. After several soft touches, loving words and gentle kissing, Tobias finally got his kit and drugged him again. The last thing Reid remembered before the sweet euphoric darkness hit him was hoping that Tobias put too much in the needle and it would kill him.

A sound brought Reid out of his thoughts. _No, no, no.. I can’t do this again!_ Reid thought as the person entered. It was Tobias but not Tobias’s personality. The man looked stoic, calm. It was Raphael. Reid didn’t know whether to be scared or relieved it wasn’t Charles again. Raphael ignored Reid and went over to the computers, clicking on the keyboard before webcam videos came up. There were four different videos, all showing a different family. Reid’s anger grew, remembering the woman he had to choose to be murdered. Reid didn’t care what happened to him anymore, but he couldn’t let Raphael kill anyone else.

He watched Raphael watch the computer screens for what felt like hours before he stood up and got his hunting knife off the desk and put it on his belt. He then got his revolver off the desk, along with a single bullet. Reid knew what was about to happen. Raphael would play Russian roulette with him until he picked someone to die or he killed Reid then went to kill a family on the screen anyway. He had to think of something, anything, to keep Raphael from killing someone else. Reid looked around the room quickly, not being able to come up with a plan. The drugs were making his mind run slow.

Raphael stood in front of Reid, loading a bullet into his weapon and spinning the chamber. “Pick a sinner to die.” Raphael said before raising his gun to Reid’s head. _Shit! I don’t know what to do! Wait.. Dissociative Identity Disorder causes personality shifts in response to external stimuli that cause them to switch between alters. Individuals with this condition may be triggered by anything that elicits a strong emotional response, including certain places, smells, sounds, senses of touch, times of the year or large groups of people… It is possible to trigger a different alter or the original personality back with the correct stimuli… That would mean I would purposely have to bring Tobias.. or Charles, back out._

Reid tried to keep thinking but was interrupted by the empty click of Raphael’s gun. “Pick a sinner to die!” Raphael yelled while pushing the gun against Reid’s bruised face. _God Damnit.. I have to do this right now and Charles will be the easiest to pull out. But how.._ Then it hits him, and he yells “Punish me! I am a sinner! If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them. Leviticus 20:13!” Raphael doesn’t lower his gun but doesn’t pull the trigger. He just watches Reid in confusion. “I am gay Charles! What are you going to do about it! A sinner, a faggot! Don’t let Raphael kill me before you punish me for my abhorrent sin! No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:11.” Reid glanced quickly at the people on the screen, giving himself the strength to continue. “I need to be punished, Charles! Show me my sins so I can become right with the Lord! Don’t let me die a sinning fag!”

Reid saw a sudden shift in Raphael, his face grew dark and sinister, as he backed his gun off of Reid’s head and placed it on the bench next to him. _I did it! Those families are safe for now.._ Reid thought before the gravity of what he did set in.

“Boy! You need to be punished!” Charles yelled at Reid.

Reid looked at the man in front of him. His torturer, his rapist, his kidnapper, and he couldn’t bring himself to care about what the man was about to do. He was already in great pain, what was more at this point. Reid looked Charles in the eyes and spat, “Fuck you!” at the older man.

Charles was outraged. He took the chair that Reid was sitting on his first day being kidnapped and hit Reid’s naked body with it, allowing it to fall next to Reid’s feet. Reid cried out as he lost his footing. He looked down at the chair and without thought, he sprung into action. The chair was by his feet, so he quickly jumped up on the chair, giving himself enough height to take his handcuffs off of the hook they were hanging on. Charles moved at the same time, grabbing the knife off of his belt. Once Reid was down on the ground and free of his hook, but still handcuffed, Charles stabbed Reid in the stomach, leaving the knife inside his lithe body. Reid was pumping with adrenaline and the pain from his stab wound didn’t register. Instead, he took the knife out of his stomach, glad that he was handcuffed in the front not behind his back, and in one swift movement he slashed the knife across Charles’s throat, causing blood to spray out of his throat and all over Reid.

It felt as if time stood still. Charles grabbed his throat, hopelessly as he collapsed onto the floor. Reid leaned down next to him. His face softened; it was Tobias again. Tobias tried to speak but couldn’t. A small smile shined on his face as he slipped into oblivion. Reid, however, let out a shocking cry, sobs shaking his injured, blooding body as he held onto Tobias’s dead body.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The BAU team was moving around Tobias’s house, no one speaking. You could feel the overwhelming sadness in the house. Everyone, except Gideon as he was watching Reid, grabbed their morning fix of coffee and gathered at the dining room table. JJ was the first to speak, “I bet he misses coffee… and the gallon of sugar he put in it”, she said with a small smile.

Garcia had been typing nonstop on her computer since they woke up, but she stopped for a moment, looking up at JJ, “Our boy wonder really has a sweet tooth! Have you ever seen the snacks he carries in that messenger bag of his? I thought they would be granola bars or mixed nuts or something, but they were candy bars and baked snack packs! I don’t know how he stays so thin!”

Everyone smiled as they thought of their youngest teammate. “That’s because he forgets to eat all the time,” Hotch said while grinning down at his coffee, “Every time we have a case, even sometimes when we don’t, I have to remind him to get food and basically order him to take a break.”

The room was silent again before Garcia started vigorously typing again. Morgan looked at her, “What are you working on babygirl?”

Garcia’s typing slowed down but didn’t stop. I went through every video I could find from Tobias online; I couldn’t find a solid upload location for any of them, but I started thinking, maybe I don’t need the upload location. Remember when we first went on Tobias’s computer?” Garcia looked around the table, “Well there were so many downloaded videos of torture and violence and I had a hard time thinking that Tobias could just leave those videos behind. But I don’t think he did! He has some type of computer set up where he is now, which would leave the possibility that he downloaded some of his old videos from his home network or he downloaded the videos of his murders from the site he posted them too. The transfer of files is quick and easy, normally not something that leaves a geotag but enter my fantastic self! There is a strong possibility, since we already have a range we know he is in, that I can get a smaller range.”

“Way to go Momma!” Morgan said while the rest of the team looked in excitement.

Hotch spoke next, “Great work Garcia, keep it up. Morgan, what happened when you watched Reid last night?”

Morgan’s smile faded instantly. “Come on man… You can take a guess.”

“I will start then; Charles raped and beat him more during my shift. Was that the same for you?” Hotch said, trying to be as clinical and devoid of emotions as possible.

“Yeah… It was horrible. He stopped fighting too. Just let it happen. Then… shortly afterward Tobias came back. He was so nice to him, it was sickening! He kissed Reid repeatedly, comforting him, before drugging him. When I switched with Gideon he was still asleep.”

The room was silent again, Emily started to speak but was cut off by Gideon yelling for Hotch. Hotch and Morgan jumped up and despite being ordered not to go into the computer room, Emily and JJ followed.

“What is it, Jason?” Hotch said before catching the tail end of what Reid was saying on the screen.

_“-am gay Charles! What are you going to do about it! A sinner, a faggot! Don’t let Raphael kill me before you punish me for my abhorrent sin! No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:11! I need to be punished, Charles! Show me my sins so I can become right with the Lord! Don’t let me die a sinning fag!”_

Jason didn’t look away from the screen, but he answered Hotch, “He is trying to force Raphael to switch alters so he doesn’t kill anyone else… So only he is the one that is hurt…”

Before Hotch could speak, he heard Charles’s voice, then Reid’s voice again, “ _Fuck you!”_

JJ gasped at the strong cuss word coming from their sweet agent.

The team watched as Charles hit Reid’s naked, marred body with the wooden chair, at the same time they heard Garcia from the other room, “I GOT IT!” She got up and rushed to the computer room, still holding her laptop. She froze when she saw Reid, bloody and hanging from the ceiling, for the first time.

Morgan moved between her and the screen, “What did you get Princess?”

“I- I found where someone downloaded all of the videos of the murders within the 30-mile range. I narrowed it down to a 2-mile range.” Garcia said, trying to regain her focus.

The team’s focus shifted to Garcia, looking over at the new map until Gideon spoke up again, “Aaron! What is he doing?” 

The team looked back over just in time to see Reid free himself from the hook on the ceiling and get stabbed in the stomach by Charles. They watch, holding their breath, as Reid rips the knife out of his bleeding torso and slashes Tobias’s throat. Blood gushes out, all over Reid’s naked body, mixing with his own blood.

“HELL YEAH, PRETTY BOY!” Morgan shouted at the screen as Tobias collapsed.

Hotch jumped into action, “Garcia! What is in that range?”

“Mostly woods, no residential homes”

“What is that patch of green there?” Emily said, looking at the map

Garcia started typing, “Marshall Parish… looks like historical land. It also has a cemetery.”

“That has to be it! Tobias wrote in his journals about staying safe and going to Marshall.” Hotch said before taking out his phone and calling the field office, “This is SSA Aaron Hotchner. We need emergency medical and police to the cemetery at Marshall Parish off of 78.” The team started to move, before Hotch left he looked back at the screen that showed Reid, grabbing Tobias’s dead body and sobbing loudly. “We will be there soon, Spence.. Just hang on..”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave feedback and kudos, please!


	9. Found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Talk of suicide and rape.

The BAU team broke into two groups, Morgan, Gideon, and Garcia in one SUV and Hotch, JJ and Emily in another. Hotch didn’t think it was possible to drive as fast as he did. Before he knew it he was pulling up to the cemetery. Medical and police still hadn’t arrived, but they couldn’t have been far out. They knew there had to be a building on the large land, so they spread out, Garcia staying in the SUV to meet the police and rescue when they arrived. After a few minutes of the team searching the land, guns, and flashlights drawn, Hotch spots a small workshop and radios to the other team members to join him. Hotch doesn’t wait to enter the small building though. He rushed in; gun drawn.

The first thing he saw was Tobias’s dead body, covered in his own blood, laying on the floor in the middle of the room. His eyes kept going, looking to the back of the room where the monitors were at. He saw Reid. “Spencer! Are- “. He stopped, his eyes finally seeing what was happening. Reid stood completely still, wearing pants that were too large on him, probably Tobias’s and he was covered in blood and bruises. His torso had a large stab wound that was still slowly bleeding. But what scared Hotch the most was the gun Reid had against his head. “Reid… Spencer.. Come on. We are here. You are safe now!”

Reid looked up from his daze, not moving the gun. “Aaron? Is that actually you?” Before Hotch had a chance to answer, Reid spoke again. “No.. Probably not. No one is coming for me.” His finger on the trigger twitched slightly.

“NO! Spence, it is really me! We never stopped looking for you!” Hotch yelled as the rest of the team started to walk inside the small room. “See! Here is Gideon, JJ, Prentiss, and Morgan! Garcia is just outside in the car! We are here and we all love you. Now come on and put the gun down!”

“No… no one loves me. I am dirty, disgusting.” Reid looked over at Tobias’s body and started to cry again, “I am a murderer! I killed Tobias! He was just trying to take care of me, and I killed him!”

_Stockholm syndrome,_ Hotch thought while struggling to hold back tears. “Reid.. You are none of those things. You killed Tobias out of self-defense. Look at your stomach. He stabbed you, you are bleeding out and you need medical attention immediately. He did that to you. That is not taking care of you!”

Reid looked down, touching the wound on his torso and looking at his hand. It was covered in blood. Reid started to shake, dropping the gun and collapsing on the floor, grabbing his stomach again. _I was stabbed? When did that happen? I don’t understand this!_ Reid thought before Hotch was next to him, pushing the gun out of reach.

Hotch started to apply pressure to the wound, “It is okay sweetheart..” Hotch said, not realizing the name he accidentally called the younger man, “You will be okay. MEDIC! I NEED A MEDIC!” Several medics came into the room and tried to help Reid, but Reid started to fight.

“NO! GET OFF ME! DON’T HURT ME, PLEASE!” He struggled with the medics for several minutes before passing out. They quickly put him on a gurney and carried him out to the ambulance. Hotch following right behind them. As they put Reid into the back of the ambulance, Hotch climbs in too. One EMT noticed, “Sir! You can’t ride along with an adult patient. You can take your own car and follow behind us.”

Hotch gave him a glare that could have cut glass, “I am staying. My agent has been missing and tortured for almost a week. I am not leaving his side!” The EMT didn’t press the issue as Reid needed to be at the Emergency Room right away. 

On the ride to the ER, Reid had woken up two times, fighting the medics and trying to break free. Finally, the medics had to sedate him. When they pulled up to the ER, they took Reid straight into surgery. Hotch quickly filled the doctor in on Reid’s medical history and what had happened to him. He also requested a rape kit and to be checked for damage in that area, before being escorted to the waiting room to join the rest of the team.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, I know but I am uploading the next chapter right now. I needed to separate the one long chapter I wrote.   
> Please leave comments and Kudos! Also, subscribe for updates!


	10. Damaged

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Talk about injuries, rape, and drug use/addiction.

It had been three hours since Reid was taken into surgery and the team, mostly Hotch, was becoming impatient. The BAU team was scattered around the waiting room. Morgan, Emily, and Garcia were sitting on a hideous old green sofa in front of the TV, watching some old sitcom, working on their bland hospital coffee. JJ was in a chair close to Hotch, pretending to read the newspaper. While Gideon was at the far end of the waiting room, looking out a large window, and shutting off the world. Hotch was sitting on the edge of this seat, watching everyone that went by. He didn’t even bother hiding his nervousness and fear anymore.

A nurse came out around 30 minutes ago and told the team that Reid was out of surgery but was still being dealt with in the recovery area of the ICU. The doctor would come out to speak with them as soon as he was done. The team was exhausted, but they couldn’t relax until they knew that Reid was safe. Hotch got up and started to pace around the waiting room before he stopped, _I can’t take this anymore! I need to know how he is doing right now._ Hotch thought as he walked to the nurses’ station in front of the ICU doors. Before he could say anything he heard someone screaming, _Wait… That is Reid!_

Hotch didn’t even wait for the nurse to allow him in the ICU. He just reached over the desk and hit the switch to open the doors. A nurse yelled after him as he ran inside, following the screaming. He got to a small room and opened the door. “Mr. Reid! Please calm down! You are going to hurt yourself! You are fine!” Hotch heard a tall thin male nurse yell as he tried to hold Reid still. Reid was already strapped down by thick leather straps to the sides of his hospital bed. He was wearing a hospital gown that wasn’t tied in the back, his thrashing was causing the gown to fall off of his shoulders. Hotch wasn’t sure what to do as he stared at his agent struggling to get free, not fully aware of what was going on.

The doctor rushed in with two more nurses. All hands were on Reid, making him scream louder and thrash harder. He started to headbutt, hitting one of the new nurses in the head before the doctor stuck him with a needle he was holding. Reid’s movement’s quieted down before they stopped altogether and Reid closed his eyes, falling asleep. Hands were slowly lifted off of Reid and the doctor looked over at Hotch.

“Sir! What are you doing back here? This is a private area.” The doctor started to say.

Hotch pulled out his badge, showing the doctor, “I am Unit Chief, SSA Aaron Hotchner, SSA Dr. Spencer Reid is my agent and I will not be leaving.” Hotch said with a stoic glare.

The doctor sighed and let it go, “Yes. I heard that you had been asking about him. I was going to come out to you shortly, but we have been having an issue with Spencer waking up in a panic and harming himself or others. He has already busted his stitching on his torso once. He is burning through his sedatives too quickly.”

Hotch looked over at Reid’s thickly bandaged wrists that were being covered by wrist straps, “I do not think strapping him down is helping. He was handcuffed and strapped to a chair or to the ceiling for almost a week. He was also drugged regularly and is probably going through withdrawals.”

The doctor grabbed Reid’s chart and looked at it before writing something down, “Okay. I will keep that in mind moving forward. Is Spencer’s family here? I need to speak with them about his condition.”

Hotch sighed, “Dr. Reid doesn’t have a family. Only a mother that is unwell and in a long term care facility. The rest of our tea and I are all the family he really has.”

The doctor took a moment to think about this, “I… I do not think I can share this information with you all without his consent.

Before Hotch had a chance to get angry, Gideon walked in the room and went right over to Reid, grabbing and holding his hand. “I am his power of attorney; I can give permission for him. Do you need a copy of the paperwork or will my word suffice?” Hotch was shocked. He had no idea that Reid gave Gideon power of attorney. It just showed how much Reid looked up to Gideon as a father figure.

The doctor looked at Gideon, trying to figure out if he was lying or not, “I will need the paperwork before I can dis- “. A nurse knocked on the door, cutting the doctor off. “Dr. Hernandez? We just received a fax over the power of attorney for Mr. Reid- “

“Doctor Reid.” Both Gideon and Hotch corrected in unison, making the nurse pause.

“I mean Doctor Reid. Someone by the name Jason Gideon.” The nurse handed Dr. Hernandez the paperwork. Gideon reached into is pocket and pulled out his badge, showing the doctor, without moving closer or letting go of Reid’s hand. The doctor slipped the paperwork in Reid’s folder, “Alright then… I shouldn’t be surprised by F.B.I. agents.”, giving a small smile before continuing.

Gideon finally let go of Reid’s hand and walked over to the doctor, “Let’s go to the rest of the team so you can tell us all at once.” The doctor nodded and followed Gideon out into the waiting room, calling the tall, thin male nurse to go watch Reid, as they left. Morgan, Emily, JJ, and Garcia were all standing near the doors of the ICU when they walked out. The doctor ushered them all into a private room nearby.

The doctor waited for everyone to take a seat around the small table in the room before looking at Reid’s chart again. He looked over at Gideon, “I am Dr. Hernandez and I will be one of the doctors overseeing your agent while he is here. Is there any information that you do not want to be discussed in front of everyone?”

“No. Please explain everything, do not skip any detail.” Gideon answered. He knew that the details of Reid’s injuries might be hard for some of the members to hear but it had to be easier than watching the torture happen and not being able to help.

“When Spencer arrived, the first thing we did was rush him into surgery for the wound on his torso. The wound was quite large and deep. He is lucky that it stopped right before his spinal column or his condition would be far worse. The knife stabbed mostly into intestines, causing Hemoperitoneum, a large pool of blood in his peritoneal cavity, which had to be dealt with. Luckily his intestines were able to be repaired without removing any sections. he will, however, have a large scar on his stomach. It might be worse now that he has already ripped his stitches once.”

Morgan interrupted, already full of anger, “Wait, how did he rip his stitches already? Why weren’t you guys watching him?!” Hotch places his hand on Morgan’s shoulder, silencing him.

The doctor continued, “We also assessed Spencer’s other wounds. He has raw, cut skin around his wrist, several areas required stitches. He has large gashes on his back as well, both areas will scar. The scarring on his back will probably be more severe as it was too late to stitch the wounds. His head wound will heal fine without assistance and shouldn’t have caused any long term damage. X-rays show fractures around his scapula and wrist. We will have to assess the damage further when he is awake and cooperating. There is the possibility of damage to his joints, nerves, and muscles, all of which could produce short and long-term complications. We expect at the least for him to have difficulty moving his arms and hands for several days or weeks. This also means that he will need to be fully healed before going back into the field or firing a weapon. The rebound from a gun could permanently damage his hands if he is not fully healed.”

The room was silent. There was so much damage to their youngest teammate and they knew the doctor wasn’t done.

Flipping a page on Reid’s chart, the doctor started again, “Spencer also has two broken ribs, 3 bruised ribs, a fractured cheekbone and metatarsal fractures in both feet, including a wide range of bruises all over his body. We will have to assess these injuries further when he is awake to see if any extra attention is needed. He was suffering from dehydration, malnutrition and blood loss when he came in. He has been given an IV and blood transfusion, but he will need to be put on a high-calorie diet with regular meals. I am not sure how much weight Spencer lost but… Was he already quite thin? Does he eat regularly?”

The BAU team looks around at each other before Hotch answered, “Spencer often forgets to eat and when he does it’s not always a full meal. He is extremely intelligent and when he gets into something, he blocks out the rest of the world.”

“Well that makes sense,” the doctor said, “I believe he was already underweight for someone his height before this happened. It is important that he is eating in order for him to be released. Proper nutrition is necessary to heal from this correctly and in a timely manner.. Now about the rest of his assault and injuries… Are you sure everyone wants to hear the rest?”

Hotch didn’t wait for anyone else to speak, “Yes, continue.”

The doctor scanned the faces around the table before sighing and starting back up, “I was not told details about the sexual assault, just that it occurred, and a rape kit was requested. From my observation, anal penetrative rape happened several times. Stitches were required both outside and inside the area. While he will be in pain for several days to weeks, he should physically fully heal within a month’s time.”

Garcia was starting to cry, and Morgan moved closer to her and held her hand, “He will be alright baby girl… We have him back now and that monster is dead. He can never hurt him again.” Morgan calmly said to her.

“He won’t be okay! How could he just be okay after this?! He was beaten, raped and drugged for almost a week” Garcia yelled, letting her fear show.

“He is strong. He will get through this.” Gideon answered. Garcia looked away, realizing that this must be the hardest on him.

The doctor waited for quiet before finishing up, “We did blood work and saw a high level of Dilaudid in Spencer’s system. He is being given a non-narcotic pain reliever with a very low amount of Dilaudid to keep him from going into full withdrawal. We should be able to stop the Dilaudid shortly, once his levels lower, so we can monitor him while he detoxes. I will warn you all, Dilaudid is extremely addictive and he should be closely watched for signs of addiction. Addiction spares no one.”

A knock on the door startled Dr. Hernandez, and a new nurse cracked the door, “Dr. Hernandez, Spencer Reid is awake again and won’t calm down. We can’t give him anymore sedative or we risk overdose.”

The doctor rushed out the door, Gideon and Hotch followed right behind him. They could hear Reid screaming once they left the conference room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments, advice, opinions etc. Good or bad, I enjoy feedback. Kudos and subscribe!


	11. Irritable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: mentions of rape, torture, drug use, suicidal thoughts, and murder.

When Gideon and Hotch reached Reid’s room, they both froze. Despite handling confused and psychotic Unsubs for a living, this was their friend, their family member. They didn’t know what to do. Reid was screaming but not forming any real sentences. They could only make out parts, “STOP!….. SINNER!…… NO!”. He was thrashing so hard to break free from the straps on his wrist, blood was pooling up on his thick white wrist bandages. His eyes were open, but he was clearly not seeing anyone in the room. Several nurses, and now Dr. Hernandez, were trying to hold him down.

Dr. Hernandez called to a nurse by the door that had just walked in, “Call up to the psych ward! They are going to have to deal with this!” He said, clearly frustrated. Gideon and Hotch looked at each other, both knowing about Reid’s mother and his fear of being sent away if anything happened to him, they stepped up to Reid.

“Let go of him,” Hotch commanded in his stern F. B. I. voice.

“We can’t!” Dr. Hernandez started to explain, “He could hurt himse- “

Hotch stopped him midsentence, “I said, let go of him. Now.” Hotch said in a quiet tone, which was somehow scarier than if he were to yell. The nurses let go of Reid immediately. The doctor was still trying to hold his head back from bucking but Hotch ignored him for now. Gideon and Hotch went to either side of Reid, taking off the straps that held him to the bed. The first thing Reid did was try and smack at them, missing. Then he pushed the doctor off of him. Despite his weakened state, he was quite strong, and the doctor almost fell on the ground.

Gideon started first, “Spencer. Can you hear me? You are not handcuffed. You are at a hospital.”

Hotch rubbed Reid’s wrist over his bloody bandage and Reid’s movements started to slow down. “Spence. It is just me and Gideon. I know you are scared but you are safe now. Can you look at me?”

Reid slowly moved his head to look at Hotch, blinking several times. “Aaron? What..”

Hotch ignored the fact that Reid used his first name, something he never does and kept going, “Gideon is here too, can you look at him?” Reid slowly turned to Gideon and tried to say something, but no words came out. The male nurse from earlier coughed slightly and Reid ripped his head around, noticing the doctor and several nurses. He started to shake with fear.

“No… please…” Reid whispered as tears rolled down his cheeks.

Gideon broke from the side of Reid, “Clear the room. He needs a moment” he said ushering the staff out of the room and shutting the door behind them right after telling the doctor he would come get him when Reid had calmed down.

Hotch looked at Reid, wanting to wipe the tears from his face but he didn’t want to scare him, “It is okay, they are gone. Do you know where you are?”

Reid wiped his eyes and looked around the room, “Hospital. I was brought here after I murdered Tobias and you, sadly, stopped me from killing myself.”

Gideon hated hearing his protégé speak like that, “Spencer… You can’t actually be upset for being alive, can you? Remember what you told me after Stephen passed away, ‘Where there's life, death is inevitable. Dying's easy; it's living that's hard. The harder it gets, the stronger the will to live. And the greater the fear of death, the greater the struggle to keep on living’…” 

Reid looked down, not wanting to meet the older man’s gaze. The thought of Stephen was not what he wanted right now. He just wanted to go home, pretend that nothing happened. That thought had him moving, trying to pull himself out of bed but something was wrong. As he grabbed the side rail, his hands wouldn’t do what he wanted. He kept trying as the older profilers watched. They knew he would not be able to get up, but Reid had to find that out by himself. He tried a few more times before he tried to lift his arms up in the hope to push himself off the bed. His arms barely moved. “Fuck! I want to leave! What is wrong with my hands and arms?"

Hotch reached over, slowly, helping Reid place his arms back on his lap, “Well Reid you were hung by your wrists for several days, this is to be expected. The doctor can tell you more. Are you ready for him?”

Reid looked across the room, his mind was running slower than normal, but something wasn’t right. “How.. how do you guys know I was hanging from my wrists for several days? When you found me I was free, I wasn’t even wearing handcuffs.” Reid watched Gideon and Hotch look at each other, not sure what to do. Then it hit Reid. _The camera._ “You guys were watching?! That camera was actually on and you guys were watching me?!” Reid tried to wrap his arms around himself, but his arms barely moved. He looked up at Hotch, “H-how much did you see?”

Gideon answered instead, “We received a live video feed about eight hours after you were kidnapped. It played nonstop and either Hotch, Morgan or I was watching you at all times. Prentiss, JJ and Garcia were not permitted to watch after you were hung by your wrists.”

Reid blushed and got angry. His teammates sat around and watched him be tortured, raped and drugged. “I want you both out! Now!” Hotch opened his mouth to say something but was cut off, “Get the fuck out!” Reid yelled and tried to hit at them again, missing. Gideon gave Hotch a look and they started to walk to the door. “Send the doctor in. Tell him I will allow my wrists to be repaired again but I want to leave as soon as possible. I also want to know everything on my chart. I will know if he is holding back.” Hotch and Gideon did as he asked. They knew they could have taken control of the situation, but they wanted Reid to have his sense of control back.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The rest of the team jumped up when they saw Gideon and Hotch walking back into the waiting room. Gideon was the first one to speak, “We were kicked out”.

“What? Dr. Hernandez can’t do that!” Morgan said, getting angry at the thought of Reid being alone after everything he has been through.

“No. Reid kicked us out,” Hotch said, looking defeated. “He wasn’t happy that we watched him on that stream throughout this ordeal. He did seem a little relieved that you ladies didn’t watch though. Please do not mention to him that you saw part of the stream towards the end at this time. That information would just harm him right now.”

JJ and Emily nodded, and Garcia said, “Yes sir. When can we see him? I need to see my baby boy..”

“Right now the doctor is checking him out again. He is very angry right now. I don’t blame him either. In the end, he took out Tobias by himself. Yeah, we found him, but he freed himself. He took down the Unsub by himself. We weren’t even needed,” Hotch said not meeting the eyes of his teammates.

“That isn’t true,” JJ said. “He needed us. You walked in on him holding a gun to his head and managed to talk him down. He was suffering from a large stab wound as well. He wouldn’t have made it much longer. Yeah, we were late but not too late.”

Hotch gave the small blonde a gentle grin, “Thanks JJ.” Hotch stood a little taller, gathering himself up. “Unfortunately we all can’t wait around here. We still have a case to wrap up and we can’t continue to stay in Tobias’s house. Garcia and Gideon will stay here, the rest of us will have to go wrap up the case, gather our belongings from Tobias’s house and find a hotel for the night. We will visit with Reid in the morning. I am not sure when Reid will be cleared for travel. If it is in the next day or two then we will wait for him, if not then we will go back home while one or two of us stay here until he can travel home. Understood?”

The team agreed and started to gather their items and leave for the SUVs. Hotch tried to follow but Gideon stopped him, “Aaron, you stay with Reid.”

Hotch desperately wanted to stay with Reid but he knew he had to be professional, “I can’t do that. I need to wrap up the case and I am sure he would rather you be here.”

“You are not needed to wrap up the case. We have done it without you before and we can do it again.” Gideon paused, looking at the ICU doors, “I just can’t do this. I am beyond happy he is alive, but I cannot watch him struggle this way right now.. Besides, I truly believe he would want you with him.”

“Jason… Okay. Thank you. Call me when you are wrapped up and at the hotel or if you need anything.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hotch and Garcia sat in the waiting room for another hour after the team left. They wanted to go back right away but instead, they asked a nurse to let them know when the doctor was done with Reid and when he looked calm enough to have company. They snacked on vending machine food and stale coffee as they waited. Finally, they saw Dr. Hernandez walk out to the waiting room.

“Agent Hotchner, I just finished up with Reid and he has calmed down a great deal. I do not think he is acknowledging what happened to him but ignoring it. I scheduled a psychologist to meet with him in the morning.”

“I understand, did you assess the rest of his injuries?” Hotch said stoically.

“Yes. I had to stitch his wrists again, but his arms and hands look well. He is having a hard time moving them now and they are quite sore, but I do not expect there to be any long term damage. He can certainly move them when he is angry enough,” the doctor said with a chuckle. “His stomach still looks well but he would not allow me to check the stitches from the sexual abuse.”

“When will he be able to leave and travel home?” Garcia interrupted.

Dr. Hernandez flipped through Reid’s chart, “hmm.. It is really dependent on how he does throughout the night and tomorrow morning. I need to see him eat, do blood work again to check for infections and make sure he is okay being off Dilaudid. We just took him off the small amount of Dilaudid and he is finishing his IV antibiotics now. He also needs to allow me or a female doctor to check all of his stitches. If there are no problems that arise then he can fly back home tomorrow afternoon, given that he is under the care of someone else, such as a family member or friend. He also needs to speak with the psychologist before discharge and should follow up with one when he gets home.”

“Understood. Can we go see him now?” Hotch said, becoming impatient. He understood he needed to know what was needed for his youngest agent to come home but he was desperate to see him again. He wanted to be at his side and never leave.

“He is resting right now but I am sure it is fine. We moved him to the general wing, there are two reclining seats in his room and you two can spend the night if you wish. Follow me.” Hotch and Garcia quickly grabbed their things and followed the doctor to the general care wing, down the hall to the last room.

Hotch noticed several empty rooms before they reached Reid’s, “Why is my agent all the way down here when there are rooms closer to the nurse’s station that are available?”

Dr. Hernandez stopped in front of Reid’s door, not going in, “Spencer keeps cursing and yelling at the staff, and screaming and begging when frightened. He was scaring the patients around his room in the ICU, so we are trying to leave him some separation. The nurses can still watch him just fine from here.”

“Is that a factor of his release?” Hotch quietly said, not knowing if Reid was awake inside the room.

Dr. Hernandez placed his chart on the holder of Reid’s hospital room door, “No. I believe that he just wants to leave and is suffering from PTSD. He will also be more irritable as he is no longer on Dilaudid. As long as the psychologist doesn’t believe he is a danger to himself then his erratic behavior is not a concern. Now I will be stopping by in a few hours for shift change, until then don’t hesitate to ask a nurse to get me. They will be checking on him periodically.” The doctor knocked on the door gently, opening it before walking away.

Hotch and Garcia moved into the dim room, Garcia moving right over to the seat next to Reid, grabbing his hand and holding it. Reid was asleep on the hospital bed in the middle of the room. There was a tray of untouched food on his side table and the TV hanging from the ceiling in front of the bed was on but muted. Hotch looked at the young doctor laying in bed. He looked so small, weak. He was covered in bruises and marks. His long chestnut-colored hair was wild and matted, but almost blood-free, thanks to the nurses. Hotch noticed a track mark on the inside of Reid’s elbow that was much brighter and fresh looking than the rest. _No. It is not possible for him to use here, right?_ Hotch thought before pushing that thought out of his mind, taking a seat on the other side of Reid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The quote that Gideon mentioned Reid said after Stephen died is a Mo Yan quote.  
> Please leave feedback and kudos!


	12. Scars and Stitches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Rape aftermath, torture aftermath, PTSD.

Hotch woke up to his cell phone going off. He had accidentally fallen asleep in the reclining chair next to Reid’s hospital bed. He didn’t have any time to process who was calling or what time it was before Reid jumped awake at the sound of Hotch’s phone. “NO! STOP! PLEASE, DON’T KILL HER!” Reid started to scream while flailing around in his bed.

Garcia, who had fallen asleep on the other side of Reid, woke right up. She was still holding his hand and started to rub his fingers. “Spence, it is okay. It was just Hotch’s phone.”

Reid jerked his hand away from Garcia but stopped screaming. His movements slowed down and he started to look around the room. Hotch had muted his phone, ignoring the person that was calling, and started to move a little closer to Reid, “Hey.. Are you with us Spencer?”

“Sorry…” Reid said while looking down, then he turned his head and looked up at Garcia. “It is good to see you, Garcia.” Reid said with a slight smile before turning to Hotch and coldly saying, “I thought I told you to leave.”

“You did, Reid. I came back.” Hotch said, giving Reid one of his famous glares.

“I don’t- “, Reid started to say before there was a knock on the door. Reid visibly flinched, looking like a deer in headlights. His hands flung to the sides of his bed, trying to reach out for Garcia and Hotch. Garcia held his hand automatically but Hotch stood up, placing himself between the door and Reid. This seemed to relax Reid some.

“Come in,” Hotch said right as two doctors walked in the room. It was Dr. Hernandez and a female doctor. _It must be shift change_ , Hotch thought as he looked up at the clock on the wall. They had only been asleep for a few hours. It was still nighttime, almost 10 pm. _That phone call must have been Gideon calling to let me know they wrapped the case up and found a hotel._

“Hi Spencer,” Dr. Hernandez said flipping through his chart. “This is Dr. Aarzoo, she will be taking over for the night shift.” Reid gave a small chuckle at the irony of his new doctor’s name. _Aarzoo- Origin: Indian. Religion: Hinda and Islam. Meaning: Wish, Desire, Want, Crave… Crave. Looks like some things are inescapable._ Reid thought to himself.

“Hello Dr. Reid,” Dr. Aarzoo said, not moving any closer or trying to shake his hand.

Reid didn’t answer but Dr. Hernandez continued, “I will not be back until noon tomorrow. You will need to get several things accomplished before then in order to be discharged and travel home tomorrow afternoon.” Reid looked up at the doctors, looking hopeful before Dr. Hernandez continued. “You will need to get your blood work checked again, complete a psych evaluation, eat your provided meals or a substitute meal that is approved by Dr. Aarzoo, and let Dr. Aarzoo or myself check ALL of your stitches and injuries. We will also need to make sure your withdrawal from Dilaudid is going smoothly, so far you are doing surprisingly well with not having it.”

Reid looked away from the doctor at that comment, looking somewhat guilty. Hotch noticed the shift in the young man but let it go, assuming he was just upset at the mention of the drugs he was given. “I understand,” Reid said, letting go of Garcia’s hand and wrapping his arms around himself, moving his arms easier than he did hours earlier.

“Okay. We do, however, need to check your stitches from the sexual assault now, as you did not permit me to check them earlier. Would you prefer Dr. Aarzoo or me? Your friends can stay in the room if that is easier, or a female nurse can come in.” Reid didn’t say anything, but instead, he started to shake, hugging himself as tightly as his weakened arms could manage. “Spencer? Did you hear me?” Dr. Hernandez said, stepping closer to Reid. His movement caused Reid’s breathing to pick up, harshly pulling and pushing air out of his lungs. The monitor Reid was connected to started to beep, which only made things worse. Reid’s hands flung up to his head, roughly punching himself in the head a few times as if he was trying to knock whatever flashback he was going through out of his head.

“Spencer? Spence? It is okay, you are safe!” Hotch said, trying to get the young man to calm down without touching him.

Garcia couldn’t hold herself back, she said, “Baby boy, please stop!” As she moved to grab his bandaged wrists to stop him from harming himself. Hotch tried to stop her, “Garcia wait- “. He didn’t make the words out fast enough as Garcia grabbed his wrists and Reid screamed. He desperately swung his, still closed, fist at whoever touched him, punching the side of Garcia’s face, causing her to let out a scream and fall to the floor. Instantly Reid stopped moving, realizing what he accidentally did.

“Oh no!” Reid said starting to cry, “I am so sorry Penelope! I didn’t… I didn’t know it was you! I am sorry!” Reid sobbed, trying to get himself out of the bed to Garcia. Hotch was already helping Garcia up before Reid could even swing his legs around the side of the hospital bed. Garcia stood up, rubbing the side of her face, “No. I am sorry.. I should have known better than to touch you without making sure it was okay first. I am fine G-man, you just scared me” Garcia said with a smile.

Dr. Aarzoo moved to Garcia, taking a look at the side of her face. “Don’t worry Dr. Reid, it doesn’t look like it will bruise or even swell. Your arms are still injured so the hit was not strong.” Reid nodded, still sitting on the side of the bed, trying to wipe his cheeks but his hand was missing where he was trying to wipe. Hotch took a tissue from the side table, slowly lifting it and wiping the young man’s tears without thinking about it. Reid surprisingly didn’t flinch at Hotch’s touch.

Dr. Aarzoo saw the interaction between the two men and had an idea, “Well Miss Garcia, why don’t you have Dr. Hernandez show you to the café in this wing so you can get something cool to drink? Is that okay, Dr. Reid, if I check out your stitches with your friend in the room?”

Reid looked up at Hotch and then around the room before nodding slightly. Garcia gave Reid a smile, saying “I will be back in a few minutes Hun”, before following Dr. Hernandez out the door.

“Before you lean back on the bed Dr. Reid, I am going to take a look at the wounds on your back. Is that okay?” Dr. Aarzoo said, moving to the other side of the bed once Reid gave a nod. She untied Reid’s hospital gown, letting it fall open in the back. “Looks good, no signs of infection. They are healing well. Thank you.”

Before the doctor could tie the gown back, Reid spoke, “I want to see.”

“Dr. Reid, I would not recommend that at this time. They look worse than they actually are and will not always look like this. I- “.

Reid interrupted, “It is my body! I want to see what Charles did to me!” Reid started to get out of bed, “I will just go look for myself!” Dr. Aarzoo just let out a deep sigh but didn’t stop him.

Hotch reached out to help Reid get up and Reid grabbed his superior’s arms, steadying himself and then letting go. “Reid, you should stay in bed. We could bring you a mirror.” Hotch said, standing close to Reid in case he needed help as he made his way to the restroom in his hospital room. Reid didn’t say anything, just continued walking slowly and seemly in pain. He stopped in front of the large mirror in the restroom, touching his bruised face, before turning around. Reid let the back of his gown fall open again, ignoring the fact that he was completely naked underneath, and turned his head over his shoulder.

Reid and Hotch just stared at the marks. There had to be at least a dozen, covering his back. They were bright red, scabbed and slightly bloody. Some of the marks looked quite deep and they were all thicker then cuts a knife would have made due to the bluntness of the metal rod that was used. Hotch could feel himself tear up so he averted his eyes and looked at the inside of the restroom instead. He noticed a rolled-up pair of pants on the counter by the toilet. _Those must be Tobias’s pants that Reid was wearing when he got to the hospital.. but why did he keep them?_ Hotch thought as he walked over to the pants.

Before he could touch the pants Reid noticed him, “Stop! Those aren’t yours. Do not touch them.”

Hotch was confused, “These aren’t yours either.. Why did you keep Tobias’s clothes?”

Reid started to walk back into the room to the bed as Hotch followed, “That is not your business.” Reid sat himself back on the bed, “Can we get this over with Dr. Aarzoo?”

“If you are ready, can you move yourself to the end of the bed?” the doctor said pulling the stirrups out on the hospital bed and getting a sheet out of the closet by the restroom. Reid moved to the end of the bed and Dr. Aarzoo laid the sheet on Reid’s lap. “Please place your legs in the stirrups and lean back.”

Reid started to shake again as he did what the doctor said. Hotch moved closer to Reid, turning himself so his back was to the doctor. “It is okay Spencer. I am right here; she is just going to take a look to make sure you are healing.”

“Are you ready?” Dr. Aarzoo said, moving Reid’s hospital gown up and pulling the sheet over his knees to protect his privacy. “I am going to touch you now; I need to know that it is okay before I start.”

Reid whispered, “Okay…” and Dr. Aarzoo started. As soon as Reid felt the doctor’s touch, he reached out to Hotch yelling, “Aaron!”, his voice was full of fear.

Hotch held his hands, “It is okay baby, just look at me. Ignore what she is doing. That’s it…” Hotch said, without thinking, trying to come up with anything to calm the young man down during his invasive exam, “Hey.. did you know that for some of the first Halloweens celebrations people wore animal skins and heads instead of traditional costumes?”

This got Reid’s attention, “Yes! In fact, according to ancient Roman records, tribes located in today’s Germany and France traditionally wore costumes of animal heads and skins to connect to spirits of the dead. This tradition continued into modern-day celebrations of Samhain, the Celtic holiday that inspired Halloween in America. The leader of the Samhain- “.

“Okay, all done.” Dr. Aarzoo interrupted. “Everything is looking good Dr. Reid.” She got up, discarded her gloves in the trash and folded the stirrups back away once Reid took his legs down. “I will see you in the morning unless you need me at some point tonight. If anything comes up, don’t hesitate to ask the nurse for me. I recommend you try to eat something as well. Dr. Hernandez will not release you if he doesn’t believe you are eating. Sleep well.” The doctor said as she left the room.

Reid and Hotch didn’t move, just stayed in the quiet for several moments before Garcia came back in the room, the two men suddenly became aware that they were still holding hands and broke apart. Garcia saw but didn’t comment. “I got you something to eat Baby Cakes, and don’t worry. I already approved it by your doc, Doc.” Garcia said with a smile, holding out chocolate pop tarts and a bottle of caffeine-free Coke.

“Thank you, Garcia,” Reid said, taking the snack.

“Don’t thank me yet, I also went down to the SUV and got your go bag.” Garcia reached in the bag and pulled out one of Reid’s cardigan sweaters. “I figured you might be cold, as you normally are.”

“I did grow up in Las Vegas”, Reid said with a slight smile, taking the sweater from Garcia, “Thank you”. Reid put his snack down and tried to put the sweater on, but his arms weren’t moving the way he needed them too. “Hotch.. could you- “. Reid didn’t finish before Hotch was helping the young man into the cardigan sweater. Reid then moved back on the bed. Before Reid had a chance, Hotch opened up Reid’s pop tart and Coke so it would be easier on his hands.

The three sat in silence for several minutes, watching the muted TV, as Reid started to pick at his snack. Hotch looked over at Reid when he stopped hearing the wrapper of his pop tart move around. Reid had fallen asleep. Hotch got up, gathering the snack from Reid’s lap and handed it to Garcia to place on the side table. He then covered Reid up with the blanket before getting two more blankets from the closet for Garcia and himself.

Garcia took the blanket and settled in her chair before saying, “I see how much you care for Spencer… He will get through this, sir. One day at a time.”

Hotch didn’t answer, he just wrapped himself up in the reclining chair and drifted to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Halloween info I got from HuffPost.
> 
> Please remember to review, kudos and subscribe!


	13. Nurses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Aftermath of torture and rape. Mention of Drug use and Eating Disorders

Reid woke up screaming for the fourth time that night, “Please! Just kill me already!”, Reid yelled as he thrashed in his bed. Hotch got right up, touching Reid’s hand. This jolted Reid awake. “Aaron? Damnit..” Reid said as he realized he was woken up from another nightmare. “Sorry… Go back to sleep Hotch.”

“I am fine Spencer,” Hotch said, reaching on to the bed and holding the young man’s hand as he tried to get his breath back from the nightmare. “Do you want to talk about it? It could help.”

Reid ripped his hand away from Hotch, “Why would I talk about it Hotchner? You and the team already watched everything that happened! You all just sat around as I was tortured by Charles, as I had to pick a person for Raphael to murder, as I murdered Tobias! Just sat around watching as I slit his throat and his blood sprayed over my naked body?! Was that fun to watch?!” After the words came from Reid’s mouth, he instantly regretted them. He knew that his team didn’t have fun watching his torture, but he couldn’t control his mind from going there. Reid rolled over, away from Hotch, to face the somehow still asleep Garcia. “Sorry..” Reid whispered to Hotch.

Hotch was upset but swallowed his feelings, “It is fine Reid. I am here if you need..” Hotch said, pulling the blanket back over himself and closing his eyes. He was almost asleep when he heard Reid get out of bed, but he didn’t move, just listened to the young man. Reid slowly walked himself to the bathroom, closing and locking the door. Hotch heard somethings move around beyond the door. Hotch looked up at the clock, it was about 4 am and Reid was taking much longer than he should have just to use the restroom. After a few more minutes, there was more movement and Reid came out. Hotch peeked at the young man, trying not to show that he was awake. He noticed Reid moving much slower, grabbing the wall to steady himself. He also noticed Reid was holding Tobias’s pants from the restroom. Reid made it over to his bed, getting his go bag out from the side table and shoving the pants inside. Hotch swore he heard a faint tink of two glass bottles knocking together as he shoved the pants inside the bag.

_There is no way, right? Reid wouldn’t have taken the drugs from Tobias and he definitely wouldn’t be using them feet away from his friends in the middle of a hospital… That’s just not like Reid. Then again, none of this is like Reid._ Hotch thought to himself. Once Hotch heard Reid settle in bed and he heard the light breathing sound of him sleeping, he sat up. He took a good look at the young man as he slept in his hospital bed. Somehow he looked calmer than he did earlier. The cuff of his cardigan on his left wrist was pushed up, stuck on his wrist bandage. _Fuck.. he is using… no.. I don’t have absolute proof but…_ Hotch thought before looking down at Reid’s go bag. _I can’t betray his trust by going through his bag… I will just have to keep a close eye on him._ Hotch thought as he leaned back and closed his eyes. The terrifying thoughts of Reid having a drug addiction on top of everything else he is going through flooded his mind as he drifted off to sleep.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hotch woke up at about 6 am, giving up on sleep. The night went as well as he expected. With Reid’s constant nightmares and Hotch’s fear of Reid possibly having a drug problem, sleep escaped the older man. He stood up, stretched and went to the restroom to freshen up. He wanted to go to the SUV to get his go bag but he couldn’t bear the thought of leaving Reid for even a moment. When Hotch came out of the restroom, Garcia was waking up. He looked over at Reid, this was the longest stretch of sleep the young man had all night. _Probably because of the Dilaudid,_ Hotch couldn’t help but think.

Garcia made her way to the restroom, when she returned she looked slightly more awake, “Would you like me to go get us some coffee and breakfast? I think they should be bringing his breakfast shortly.”

Hotch nodded and Garcia left. He was always impressed with Garcia’s skills to profile, despite not being a profiler. Somehow she knew that he didn’t want to leave Reid. He was grateful that she didn’t ask or push the issue. Hotch leaned back in his chair and took out his cell phone. He never checked it from last night, just muted it. There was a missed call from Gideon and a few text messages.

_21:56_

_To: Aaron Hotchner_

_From: Jason Gideon_

_We wrapped up the case and just got into a hotel. The sheriff took a copy of the stream of Reid but insured that it would not be watched unless_ _absolutely necessary. I suggest we do not tell him that a copy was taken on the off chance that the police department does watch it. Is he doing well? Take care of him, Aaron._

Hotch sent him two quick text messages back.

_06:48_

_To: Jason Gidon_

_From: Aaron Hotchner_

_I won’t tell him, but I am sure he will figure it out. The locals always get a copy of all evidence, even if the unsub died._

_06:49_

_He is doing as expected. He didn’t sleep well last night and is quite hostile at times. If he follows instructions than he will be discharged today, and we can fly home tonight. I do not know if he wants visitors or not. We will play it by ear._

Hotch wasn’t a fan of texting but he didn’t want to call on the off chance his teammates were still sleeping, or he accidentally woke Reid up. He looked at his other text.

_06:03_

_To: Aaron Hotchner_

_From: Jennifer Jareau_

_Good Morning Sir. How is Spence doing? Did you all get any sleep? Can we visit today? Will we be going home today? If so, what time? I already called and the jet is ready when we are._

_06:05_

_Sorry. That was a lot of questions all at once. We are just worried. Penelope texted Morgan last night and told him Reid was having a lot of nightmares. I know he already had problems with nightmares but now it is probably a thousand times worse… Is he going to be okay? I don’t know how to deal with my best friend, pretty much brother, being a victim. This just isn’t fair.._

_06:08_

_I hope you are taking care of yourself as well sir. Please let me know when I can come see him._

Hotch placed his phone down without messaging JJ back. _What am I even supposed to tell her? Is he going to be okay? Physically, probably. Mentally, fuck if I know!_ Hotch’s thoughts were interrupted by a light knock on the door. Garcia walked in holding two coffees and a bag and a nurse carrying a food tray followed her in. “I was right on time,” Garcia said with a laugh.

The nurse walked in and placed the tray on Reid’s rolling lap table, “He will need to eat at least half of this and needs to be watched while eating it. Will you two be able to wake him and watch him eat or do I need to do it myself?” The nurse said, sounding annoyed.

“Why does he need to be watched while he eats?” Garcia said, handing Hotch a coffee and sitting down.

The nurse sighed in frustration, “I don’t know, because it says so on the chart?” The nurse looked sleeping Reid up and down, “Probably cause he is a stick. Is he anorexic or something?”

This accusation made Hotch’s blood boil, “Ma’am. Do not come in here and ridicule my agent without even knowing his medical history. My colleague asked you a simple question, are you too obtuse to answer? Do you- “.

“Stop Aaron. I am quite thin, it’s not a leap to assume I have an eating disorder. Even if she did so callously.” Reid interrupted, propping the hospital bed back up to the sitting up position.

The nurse looked at Reid, seeing his bruised face for the first time, then looked over at Hotch’s death glare. “Sorry.. I just deliver the food, okay? I will ask the nurse’s station.” The nurse said before quickly leaving. 

Garcia looked confused about the situation that just occurred, placing her hand on Reid’s bed but not touching him. “Junior G-Man?” Reid looked over at Garcia and she continued. “You don’t have an eating disorder, do you?” Hotch was surprised that Garcia just outright asked. The whole team had worried about Reid’s eating habits or weight at one point or another but not to the point of actually asking the young man.

Reid lightly chuckled, “No Garcia. I just am not big on eating and I honestly forget to eat often. I know I am too thin for my height, but it’s just never been a concern of mine. I am sorry if I have worried you.” Reid gave Garcia a smile, causing Garcia to smile back.

“Food is great though! Why would you not be big on eating?” Garcia said, pulling Reid’s rolling food table over and slid it on top of his lap.

“The way I was raised probably,” Reid said without thinking. He quickly tried to change the subject, “This doesn’t look too bad. I wish I had coffee instead of this juice though.” Reid said looking at his tray.

Hotch thought about what Reid said. The team didn’t know much about Reid’s childhood, but they always figured Reid struggled growing up. They knew his father left when he was ten and he had to raise himself and his sick mother. They probably didn’t always have money for food or Reid didn’t properly feed himself as he didn’t have a parent to cook or tell him to feed himself. The thought made Hotch sad, but he pushed it out of his mind. “We can ask the doctor if you can have coffee when she comes in,” Hotch said, taking a sip of his own coffee.

Garcia handed Hotch a few breakfast items from the bag she brought in and they all started to eat. Reid was barely eating, pushing his food around his plate. “Is there a problem with your food Reid?” Hotch asked.

“I am not a fan of breakfast foods,” Reid said, pushing his eggs around with his fork, trying to hide them under his dry toast. “Unless it’s something like pancakes with syrup or cereal.”

“You have cereal right there,” Hotch said, pointing to his unopened container of Raisin Brand.

Reid made a grossed out face, “Good cereal Hotch, not cereal for old people.”

“Hey! I like Raisin Brand!” Hotch said

Reid laughed, “Exactly my point!”

“I am not old! I am only ten years older than you.” Hotch said, feigning insult.

Reid picked the package of Raisin Brand up and tossed it at Hotch, “Sure, Only. That’s what old people say.”

“We all can’t be 25 and have your massive sweet tooth,” Hotch said with a smile before there was a knock on the door. Reid jumped at the sound, grabbing Garcia’s hand that was still sitting on the bed. Hotch stood up as two people came into the room. It was Dr. Aarzoo and a male nurse.

“Glad to see you up, Dr. Reid. How are you feeling?” Dr. Aarzoo asked as the two moved closer to Reid’s bed. Reid didn’t answer, just stared at the male nurse. He was a larger than average build with dirty blonde hair and a full beard. He looked friendly but Reid was terrified. “Is something wrong? This is Mark, he is just going to take some blood.”

Mark moved closer to Reid, placing his medical supplies on the table next to Reid’s breakfast. As he reached out to touch Reid, Hotch jumped up, “Don’t tou- “, but it was too late. Once Mark’s hand touched Reid he let out a terrifying scream. Reid’s arms shot out, smacking the nurse while his legs went up to his chest, kicking the rolling tray over, knocking his breakfast and the medical supplies all over the floor. He curled into a ball on the bed, crying loudly and begging, “Please stop Sir! Please, Sir! Stop!” before he started to take his fist and hit himself on the head repeatedly as he did the night before.

Garcia was standing up and moving back, hands over her mouth, trying not to cry or be in the way. Hotch did the opposite. He moved between the nurse and Reid, “Go. You need to leave!”

“But I didn’t do anything! He just freaked out!” Mark argued

Hotch moved extremely close to the nurse and quietly said, “Get the fuck out before I physically remove you.” Mark almost ran out of the room, knowing that Hotch was not joking. Hotch turned around giving his attention back to Reid. “Honey, he is gone. Please stop harming yourself. You are safe. He will not be coming back.” Hotch noticed the accidental nickname slip but he didn’t care. He just wanted to make sure Reid was okay. Reid wasn’t stopping though if anything he tensed up more. Hotch knew that he might get hit but he went ahead and reached out for Reid, grabbing his left arm just above his wrist bandage. Automatically Reid’s right hand reached out and smacked Hotch in the face. Hotch allowed it to happen, getting knocked slightly but holding his footing.

“Aaron! I am sorry!” Just like the night before, he snapped right out of his flashback once someone he cared for was harmed. “Are you okay? Damnit! I am so stupid!” Reid yelled, tears still rolling down his face.

Hotch sat himself on the side of Reid’s bed, facing him but not touching him with his body. He then moved his hand from Reid’s arm to holding his hand, “Spencer, it is alright. I knew what was going to happen and I allowed you to hit me.”

Garcia moved closer, “The last thing you are is stupid, Boy Wonder.”

“But are you okay?” Reid reached his right hand out and brushed it against Hotch’s cheek. Everyone, including Hotch, was surprised by this but no one commented.

“Never better Spence,” Hotch said with a smile, reaching up and touching the hand that was on his cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone is staying healthy! Remember to Kudos, Review and Subscribe!
> 
> Also, I love nurses.


	14. Shower

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Aftermath of rape and torture. Mentions of eating disorder, self-harm, drug use, and PTSD.

Dr. Aarzoo watched Reid’s meltdown but didn’t approach, she knew it was better for his friends to help him if he had any hope of being discharged today. She coughed as a sign that she was there before she started to speak. “I am truly sorry, Dr. Reid. Mark was the only available nurse that can take blood on this wing. We will skip the bloodwork for now.”

Hotch stood up, getting off of Reid’s bed, not wanting to press his luck being too close to Reid while he is having such adverse reactions to touch. He glared at Dr. Aarzoo, “This is the second nurse today that has been insensitive to Dr. Reid’s condition and needs. This is unacceptable. He is a federal agent that was harmed while taking down a serial killer.”

“Tobias wasn’t a serial killer….” Reid said so quietly the others weren’t sure that they actually heard him.

 _Damn Stockholm Syndrome_ , Hotch thought with a sigh. “I know that is how you feel Reid..”

“It is the truth! He only helped me!” Reid yelled, looking desperate.

Garcia leaned down and started to pick up the mess, trying to change the subject, she spoke to the doctor, “So M.D. Doc, can P.h.D. Doc have a treat I got from the café for breakfast since his breakfast was spilled? I have a couple of muffins and pop tarts. He also wants coffee.”

Dr. Aarzoo laughed, “Yes, that is fine. As long as he eats, and someone sees him. Only one cup of coffee for now though.”

“Why does someone have to watch him eat? We asked the nurse that gave him the tray of food, but she just called him anorexic.” Garcia said, still upset from earlier.

“Yes, sorry about that. I just want to make sure that he is eating as he needs to gain weight and needs the right nutrition to heal properly.” Dr. Aarzoo looked back at Reid, “I am not a psychologist, so I cannot say what your mental health says in regard to having an eating disorder. Medically, you fit the category of someone that was underweight and then was starved for days, not someone with an eating disorder. I am sorry she made that assumption.” She stepped closer to Reid, slowly. “Now, how are you feeling today, Dr. Reid? Did you sleep well?”

“I am fine.” Reid answered quickly.

“You don’t seem to be going through withdrawal too badly which is a little odd but not unheard of. You can expect to get symptoms such as cramps, sweating, shaking, restlessness, muscle and bone pain and vomiting soon. I can prescribe Buprenorphine or Clonidine to help with the symptoms once they start. Would you like that?” Dr. Aarzoo asked.

“An opioid and a blood pressure medication.. No thanks. I am fine.” Reid answered looking guilty, wanting to change the conversation. “Is there anything else? I would like to eat and.. Can I take a shower? I think it’s been over a week since I have had one..” Reid said, now looking embarrassed.

“I need to remove your wrist bandages first but yes you can shower as long as you have someone’s help, either a friend or a nurse. A psychologist is coming to see you sometime this morning as well.”

“I do not need help to shower or a psychologist!” Reid exclaimed. The thought of someone being alone with him as he was naked and already weakened was terrifying and a psychologist that could possibly say he was mentally unwell was just too much.

“Sir- “.

A voice came into Reid’s mind, _Call me Sir, boy._ “Don’t call me that!” Reid interrupted, causing the doctor to jump and take a step back. Reid tried to not be thrown into another flashback by wrapping his arms around himself and digging his nails into his skin through his cardigan. It didn’t seem to help. He could almost feel the hits of the metal rod on his back. _Confess your sins so you can be punished, boy!_ “No, no, no! Make it stop!” Reid cried before looking at Hotch, “Please Aaron.. make him stop…” Tears rolled down Reid’s face.

Hotch didn’t know what to do, so he did the only thing he could think of. He moved back to sitting on the edge of Reid’s bed and pulled the young man into a hug. The two women in the room were shocked that Reid didn’t scream but instead wrapped his arms around Hotch’s neck and placed his face in the crook of his shoulder.

Reid cried loudly as Hotch held him for several minutes until the doctor walked up beside the two, “I am sorry Dr. Reid. I will not call you that again.. May I remove your wrist bandages now?” Reid let go of Hotch but didn’t move away from him. He nodded and moved his arm towards the doctor. Hotch helped Reid out of his cardigan and Dr. Aarzoo moved closer, “I am going to touch your wrist now, Dr. Reid.” She reached out and took the bandage off his left wrist then moved to the other wrist, taking that bandage off as well. Hotch watched as the doctor looked over Reid’s wrists. They weren’t too red but there were a lot more stitches than he was expecting. The areas that were not stitched marred wounds similar to his back, thick cuts and dark bruising.

Dr. Aarzoo stepped away, discarding the bandages before coming back. “It would be best if you showered now so you can clean those wounds yourself. In order to be released today, you will have to accept the help of someone else to shower and have a psychologist assess you.”

Reid sighed, “I will allow one of my friends to help me, but the psychologist is pointless. I am a genius, I have three doctorates, several BAs and unique training in the field of behavior and psychology, as well as a paranoid schizophrenic mother that I have helped my whole life. There isn’t an exam she could give me that I couldn’t ace.”

Hotch was surprised when the doctor smirked and said, “I will keep that in mine Dr. Reid, but she is still scheduled to come. Hospital rules. Now. I will be back later, probably around lunch, to check your stitches, fractures and to make sure you have showered and eaten.” Then she walked out the door.

The three were in frozen silence for a few minutes before Garcia’s phone vibrated. She looked at it before speaking, “G-Man, the team wants to come visit you. Would that be okay?”

“Sure. Sounds nice… Umm… but…” Reid looked away, blushing.

“What is it, Spence?” Garcia asked

Reid thought for a moment, “I don’t want to freak out.. Can you warn them?”

Garcia smiled. She understood he was trying to tell her to tell the team about his triggers and flashbacks, “Oh sugar plum, you know they wouldn’t care but of course. I will tell them. Now you go shower!”

Hotch stood up, “Come on Spencer, I will get your clothes for you.”

As Hotch reached for Reid’s go bag, Reid stopped him, “No! I can get it myself…”

This just secured Hotch’s belief that Reid was using still and the Dilaudid was in his go bag, probably in Tobias’s pants. Reid tried to get out of the bed but was moving painfully slow. Moving his legs around to the side of the bed and sitting there for a moment. Hotch looked behind Reid to Garcia, who was on the other side of the bed. Her eyes were wide, staring at Reid. The back of Reid’s hospital gown was still open, giving Garcia a clear view of the damage to Reid’s back for the first time. Tears started to well up in her eyes, but she looked away, pulling her phone out, “I… uhh… I am going to step out in the hall and call JJ”.

Reid watched her leave, not giving it much thought, before reaching to his side table and moving his hand through the barely open bag. He pulled out a pair of black boxers, Dr. Who PJ pants and a white undershirt. He then zipped his bag back up and stood up, shaking slightly before finding his footing. “Let’s get this over with..” He said, walking to the restroom.

Hotch shut the restroom door and walked over to the shower. It was small, similar to a gym shower. It had travel size shampoo and body wash already on the lip on the wall. The shower also had a small stool that someone could sit and shower if they needed too and a hook to hang a towel. Hotch turned on the water and looked at Reid, “Okay Reid, are you sure you want me helping? I could get Garcia or a nurse..”

Reid rolled his eyes and looked at himself in the mirror, “I couldn’t ask Garcia for help. I don’t want her to see how badly I am hurt..”

Hotch knew that Garcia would be happy to help but she would be very upset at the state of his body. “Well.. if at any time if you get scared or change your mind, just let me know. Do you need help out of your hospital gown?”

Reid moved towards the shower, grabbing an extra towel and wrapping it around his waist. Hotch could see dried blood still around the back of Reid’s legs as he moved. He watched Reid struggle with the hospital gown, but he wasn’t going to touch him unless Reid asked. Reid grunted in frustration and looked back at Hotch, “Can you help me bend my arms out of the sleeves? My hands are working well enough, but I can’t get my arms to lift and bend right..”

“Sure” Hotch said, moving closer to Reid, “I am going to touch your arm now.” He said as he helped Reid out of his gown and Reid stepped into the shower, towel still around his waist. The pale blue shower curtain was closed but Hotch stayed right next to it. After a few minutes he heard Reid sit on the shower stool. He could hear the water move around, as if he was washing his body repeatedly. After a few more minutes the movement slowed and Hotch called into Reid, “Hey, everything okay in there?”

Reid was quiet, “Kinda.. Can you help me? I can’t lift my arms to wash my hair..”

Hotch lightly chuckled at how cute the question sounded. “Of course, are you covered? Can I open the curtain now?”

“No.. I can’t reach the towel on the hook either.. Can you hand it to me without looking?”

“Yes. I am opening the curtain now and I won’t look.” Hotch said as he opened the curtain, eyes closed, reaching out to where he remembered the towel hook was at. Finding the towel, he pulled it down and handed it to Reid. “Can I open my eyes now?”

“Yeah… Fuck I feel so weak and stupid..”

Hotch opened his eyes and saw Reid sitting on the shower stool, the white towel that he used to cover his crotch was becoming soaking wet as the showerhead hit him with water. Hotch reached up, tilting the showerhead away from Reid’s body. “You aren’t stupid or weak. You will get past this.” Reid didn’t answer, just sat completely still as Hotch rolled up the sleeves of his dress shirt and reached for the shampoo. “I am going to start now,” Hotch said before rubbing the shampoo throughout Reid’s long hair.

 _His hair is so soft.._ Hotch thought while washing the younger man’s hair. _He is so beautiful, even with his injured body._ Hotch let his eyes start to wander, noting every injury he could see without leering. _Whip marks, bruising from being beaten, handcuff injuries, stab wound, ever-growing track marks.._ He could even see bruises around Reid’s lithe hips that looked like hand marks. As Hotch reached up to take the showerhead and rinse the shampoo out of Reid’s hair, he noticed very light lines scars on the top of Reid’s thighs. _Old self-harm scars? Maybe that is why Reid keeps trying to harm himself during a flashback… Old self-soothing methods…_ Reid suddenly moved his wet towel to cover the old scars. “You are staring Hotch… are you done?” Reid said, looking frustrated.

Hotch was caught off guard, “Uhh.. Sorry. Almost done, your hair is long and was quite dirty. I also have never washed someone else’s hair before. It needs to be brushed out as well.” Hotch finished up and shut the water off. He took a dry towel and started to dry Reid’s hair with it before getting a second dry towel and handing it to Reid. Hotch turned around as Reid dried himself in the shower and wrapped the new towel around his waist before stepping out. “Can I help you get dressed?” Hotch asked, still not turning around.

“Can you help me dry my back… I can’t reach and it burns… I don’t want the moisture to cause an infection. An infected wound is a localized defect or excavation of the skin or underlying soft tissue in which pathogenic organisms have invaded into viable tissue surrounding the wound. Infection- “.

Hotch cut off Reid’s rant, “Don’t worry Reid, I am here to help.” Hotch turned around and took a hand towel from the sink, “I am going to touch your back now.” Hotch got started patting Reid’s back dry and helped him into his clothes.

Reid watched Hotch carefully moving around, “Why do you keep telling me before you touch me?”

“Because I need your consent before touching you. I also don’t want to startle you.”

“Consent? Why does that even matter… People just take what they want from me when they want it, no matter what I think…”

Reid’s word choice didn’t slip by Hotch, “Spence.. People?” Hotch asked as he finished helping Reid into his clothes.

Reid made his way back to his bed, ignoring Hotch’s question, “Thanks for helping me Aaron” Hotch smiled. He loved that Reid was starting to call him by his first name.

Once Reid sat himself on his bed, there was a knock on the door. Garcia cracked it open, “I thought I heard you! You have some visitors, can they come in?” Garcia and the team had been waiting outside the door for Reid to finish.

“Yes, please.”

The team slowly moved in; it was clear that they were told to make smooth, light movements in order to not scare Reid. JJ came up to Reid first, holding a coffee cup and a coffee shop bakery bag. “I got you a little something, Spence. How are you feeling today?”

Reid took the cup with both hands, making sure not to drop it, and took a long sip with a smile. “Ahh.. Thank you JJ, I missed coffee. I am okay. My shower was nice.” Reid said, tucking his wet hair behind his ear.

“Your hair is still soaking wet, Pretty Boy. Hotch man, did you not help him dry it?” Morgan asked, sitting on the arm of Garcia’s chair.

Reid started before Hotch could, “Hey Morgan, good to see you. He helped though. I can’t reach my arms up to wash or dry it myself yet.”

“It doesn’t look like he helped brush it either,” Emily said with a laugh.

Hotch chimed in, “What? I have never had long hair. I did my best.”

“Garcia, do you have a brush? My bag is in the car.” JJ asked and Garcia quickly pulled out a bright pink brush that was covered in rhinestones and handed it to JJ. “Can I brush your hair, Spence?”

Reid looked over at Hotch, as if he was scared of being touched and wanted to know if it was safe. Hotch gave him a reassuring nod and Reid nodded to JJ. As JJ brushed his hair, Reid started to snack on the muffin that JJ brought him. He finished his muffin right as JJ finished brushing his hair. As JJ handed the brush back to Garcia, Reid took a look around the room. He noticed Gideon wasn’t there.

“Where is Gideon?” Reid asked, looking at his teammates. Hotch pulled out his phone to see if Gideon texted him. He was paying too much attention to Reid; he didn’t notice the older man wasn’t there either.

“He said he was feeling sick, and he will see you on the jet. Sorry kid.” Morgan explained.

Reid looked upset. He didn’t understand how his mentor, the man he looked up to as a father figure, didn’t come visit him in the hospital. The team could see Reid was hurt by this, so they changed the subject. The team kept a light conversation until they noticed Reid had fallen asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this chapter too long? How long are chapters even supposed to be?  
> I hope everyone is enjoying this so far. My college starts back up online tomorrow so it might be a couple of days between updates, instead of my normal chapter a day or every other day.  
> Make sure to kudos, give me feedback and subscribe! :D


	15. Discharged

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Mention of rape, drug use, torture, murder, mental illness, child abuse, and suicidal thoughts.

Reid woke up to the sound of laughter. He looked at the clock on the wall first, _11:13 am.. I wasn’t asleep too long._ Reid thought as he looked around the room, seeing it was still full of his team members, except Gideon. _They stayed with me as I slept.._

Morgan noticed Reid start to wake up first, “Hey Pretty Boy! Glad you graced us with your presence”, he said with a laugh. The five team members had sat around and talked while Reid slept, trying not to wake him but not wanting to leave yet.

“I hope we didn’t wake you up Boy Wonder. Did you have a good nap?” Garcia said, sitting up some in her chair. Morgan was still sitting on the arm of her chair and Hotch was standing, allowing Emily and JJ to sit in his reclining chair.

Reid sat up and grabbed his coffee cup, taking a sip of the cold coffee before speaking, “Yes.. thank you all for staying as I slept.” Reid looked around at his team, they were the only real family he had, and he was glad they were there. He was still upset that Gideon wasn’t there though. “Has anyone heard from Gideon? Is he feeling okay?”

JJ looked at her phone, “No… I am sure he is sleeping though. The doctor came in when you were asleep and said that the psychologist will be in any minute and once Dr. Hernandez gets in and checks you then you can be discharged and we can fly home. So you will see him so- “. JJ was cut off with a knock on the door.

Hotch turned towards the door and Morgan and Emily stood up. Garcia told them how Reid was terrified of other people right now and Hotch acting as protector seemed to relax him. A small redheaded woman came in the door. She was holding a chart and couldn’t have been taller than 5’2’’. Hotch relaxed, releasing that this was the psychologist to assess Reid and Dr. Aarzoo probably picked this woman in particular as she looked non-threatening.

The woman came just inside the door, shutting it behind her before speaking, “Hello Dr. Reid. I am Dr. Harris; I am just here to ask you a few questions. Is that alright?”

“No. It’s not alright but you have to anyway so why did you even bother to ask?” Reid said, already annoyed by speaking to a psychologist.

The doctor took it with a grain of salt, “That is a fair point, Dr. Reid. I will rephrase myself. I am going to ask you a few questions in order for you to be discharged today. You can refuse but you will be kept here until you cooperate. Do you understand?”

“Of course I understand. There is little that I cannot comprehend.” Reid said smugly.

“Very well. Your friends must leave in order for me to complete my assessment.”

The arrogance left Reid’s face and fear set in, “That… that is not true… Providers should endeavor to involve family and friends of the patient in the risk assessment for the best information on the individual’s state of mind and environmental risks. Patients have the right to be involved in their care planning, and this right extends to individuals designated by the patient to act in a representative capacity. As such, in conducting the risk assessment, hospital staff should seek input from the patient’s lay caregiver, including obtaining information about the patient’s history, prior behavior, living situation, and any other relevant information.” Reid said as if he was reading it straight from a book.

“You are correct, but I can request your family or friends to leave the room during my initial assessment. Do you have a problem with this, Dr. Reid?” The doctor said in a regular voice, trying not to sound cheerful or spiteful. Hotch could tell that the woman was already conducting her assessment by seeing if Reid had people he could rely on and if he was scared to be alone with a stranger. _Smart. She was clearly warned about Reid’s hostility and came up with a plan._ Hotch thought to himself while looking down at Reid. He was nervous. He didn’t want to admit that he was scared but he didn’t want to be alone either.

Reid opened his mouth a few times, but no words came out. He was starting to shake and looked up at Hotch for help. Hotch nodded slightly, understanding the young man’s fear. “As Supervisory Special Agent Dr. Reid’s Unit Chief, my presence is needed in all psych evaluations not conducted by the F.B.I,” Hotch said, falling into his stern leader role. Hotch was sure that the doctor knew that wasn’t the reason why he was staying but she didn’t push the issue.

Dr. Harris wrote something on the chart before saying, “Very well. If the rest of your friends can leave then we will get started.” The team got up, waving or smiling at Reid before leaving.

Dr. Harris moved into the room and sat at the chair that Garcia was using. Hotch moved his chair closer to Reid’s bed and sat down as well. “I am sure that you already know the questions I am going to ask you, but I have to ask them. Answer honestly. First, are you currently wanting to kill yourself or others?”

“No,” Reid said, keeping his face emotionless.

“Have you had suicidal thoughts or a plan to commit suicide in the past month?”

“No”

“I told you to answer honestly Dr. Reid.” Dr. Harris stated, still looking calm.

“If you already knew the answer then why did you ask me? You don’t even need me to conduct this assessment.” Reid said, clearly annoyed.

Dr. Harris ignored Reid’s attitude-fueled response and repeated her question. “Have you had suicidal thoughts or a plan to commit suicide in the past month?”

“Yes”

“When were these times?”

Reid was suddenly filled with anger, “Oh I don’t fucking know! Maybe every fucking time I was raped by Charles! Every fucking time he used my own blood as lube to rape me! Every fucking time he beat me and made me call him ‘Sir’! Or maybe it was when I had to watch Raphael murder a woman that I chose to die! Or when he was going to force me to pick more people to murder! Or just maybe it was when I fucking murdered Tobias!”

Dr. Harris didn’t flinch at Reid’s outburst, “How do you feel about Tobias? Wasn’t he the serial killer that murdered over ten confirmed people and kidnapped, raped and tortured you for almost a week?”

“He didn’t do that! That was Charles and Raphael! Tobias took care of me! He cleaned my wounds, gave me food and water when he could, gave me pain relief and kept me from dying. He held me and kept me safe.. And I MURDERED HIM!” Reid screamed at the doctor.

She took a few more notes and stopped her questions for a few minutes, allowing Reid to calm himself down. He had his arms wrapped around himself and his nails started to dig into his skin. “Okay, next question. Do you self-harm or have you in the past?” The doctor asked, looking at Reid’s hands dig into his skin before moving her eyes back up to his face.

Reid thought for a moment before answering, “I currently do not but I have in the past. Before you ask, it has been over a year and that is as much information you need on the subject for your report.”

Dr. Harris flipped a page on the chart, “How did you harm yourself and why?”

“That is not needed for this assessment,” Reid said quickly.

“You are right. It is not needed for this assessment, but your friend here could use the information to help you in the future.” Hotch looked up, she was trying to play at Reid’s love for his friends to get him to open up.

“Not true. I work with profilers. They probably know more about the subject than you.” Reid said, knowing what she was trying to get him to do.

Dr. Harris smiled slightly. She was enjoying his wit, “Moving on then, have you or a member of your family ever been diagnosed with a mental illness?”

Reid started to get angry again, “You already know the answer to that. My mother’s illness is in my chart. Next?”

“What about your father?”

Reid started to shake again, “Stop asking unnecessary questions! My father has nothing to do with how I am today!”

“What happened Dr. Reid? What did I say that angered you?” Dr. Harris said, leaning forward as if she was trying to antagonize Reid.

“You fucking know! You are doing this on purpose to get me to make a mistake and say something that you can use against me so I have to stay here!”

Dr. Harris sat back, making another note on Reid’s chart, “I do not want to keep you here. I want to make sure you are safe enough to- .”

Reid cut Dr. Harris off, “Then you have no reason to ask about my family history or my past. I am not a danger to myself or others and I will follow the doctor’s orders on recovery. I will also see the F.B.I. psychologist before returning to work. Are we done now?”

“Yes. We are done. Thank you, Dr. Reid. Mr. Hotchner, can I see you outside for a moment?”

Hotch looked at Reid, trying to see if he should step out or not. “Go on Hotch. It is only for a minute. I have to use the restroom anyway.”

Hotch stood up, “Okay.. But I will be right outside” Hotch said as he reluctantly followed Dr. Harris outside. Once they stepped out and shut the door Hotch asked, “What is it?”

“I want to apologize for my behavior towards Dr. Reid. I knew he was going to give me textbook responses, so I had to push his buttons some to see how he was actually doing.” Dr. Harris explained.

Hotch sighed, “I knew what you were doing, it was just hard to watch. What is your conclusion?”

Dr. Harris flipped through Reid’s chart again, “I wanted to ask you something first, is he going to be under the care of someone else when he is discharged?”

“He doesn’t know it yet but yes. I will either be taking him to my place, or I will be staying with him. I am going to give him the option. He can also stay with one of our teammates if he is against staying with me. We have several females on the team that might make him more comfortable.”

Dr. Harris wrote something else in the chart before closing it, “Good.. I believe he is well enough to go home but only into someone else’s care. He has clear signs of PTSD and Stockholm Syndrome, combined with his past of self-harm and child abuse and now the trauma from this incident, he should not be left alone. I do not think he is suicidal but that doesn’t mean that I think he is safe.”

Hotch’s expression tightened, “Child abuse? He wasn’t abused as a child.”

“It is clear that something happened besides his father leaving and his mother being mentally ill. I do not know for sure though. I strongly recommend he get professional help when you guys get back to Virginia and before he returns to work.” Dr. Harris said before looking at her watch and placing the chart back on the slot on the door. “Now I must be going, I trust that you will take care of him. Have a nice trip home.”

Hotch watched as she walked away before looking around the hall for the team. He couldn’t see them, so he took out his phone and sent a group text to the team.

_11:58_

_To: Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, Penelope Garcia, Jennifer Jareau_

_From: Aaron Hotchner_

_Dr. Harris just left; Reid is on edge. Dr. Hernandez should be here soon to do his final check on Reid before he gets discharged. Go to the hotel, pack and wait for my call to meet at the airstrip. I will inform Reid; you all inform Gideon. Garcia, you should also head to the hotel. We will see you all shortly._

_11:59_

_To: Aaron Hotchner, Derek Morgan, Penelope Garcia, Jennifer Jareau_

_From: Emily Prentiss_

_Yes Sir. See you on the jet._

_11:59_

_To: Aaron Hotchner, Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau_

_From: Penelope Garcia_

_Remember not to say Sir in front of Reid, everyone! <3_

_12:00_

_To: Aaron Hotchner, Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, Penelope Garcia_

_From: Jennifer Jareau_

_I will call the airport once we get to the hotel to make sure the jet is ready. See you shortly._

_12:00_

_To: Aaron Hotchner, Emily Prentiss, Penelope Garcia, Jennifer Jareau_

_From: Derek Morgan_

_Take care of the kid, Hotch. See ya._

Hotch put his phone back up and gently knocked on Reid’s door while saying, “It is just me Spencer.” When Hotch got into the room he saw Reid asleep on the bed. _Wow, he went to sleep fast. He looks so much more peaceful then earlier too._ Hotch thought while looking at Reid laying in the bed and noticed a small line of blood and a red mark at the crook of his elbow. _Damnit! I didn’t even think about the possibility of him shooting up when I went outside! No wonder he didn’t mind me leaving…_ Hotch went to the restroom and got a wet cloth. He then went over to Reid and carefully wiped the blood off of his arm. _Am I doing the right thing? Should I tell the doctor and have him stay longer? No... He would just think we were leaving him like he had to do with his mother, and it would just harm him worse. I will bring it up once we get home._

Hotch sat down and tried to relax until the doctor came and somehow he drifted to sleep.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Almost an hour later there was a knock on the door that caused Reid to jump from laying down to sitting up, “Ow! Damn!” Reid said, grabbing his stomach.

Hotch woke up at the same time, “Are you alright, Spence?”

Dr. Hernandez and Dr. Aarzoo walked into the room as Reid said, “Yeah.. just moved too fast.” Reid looked up at the doctors, “Can I go home now? I am sick of this place.”

“We have to look you over again but yes, that is the plan. You didn’t get a chance to eat lunch yet, but I was told that you ate this morning, so I won’t keep you any longer just to eat.” Dr. Hernandez said, moving closer to Reid. “I will need you to slip a hospital gown back on or at least take your pants and underwear off.” Reid started to shake already, and he reached out to hold Hotch’s hand.

Dr. Aarzoo stepped forward, “It is okay Dr. Reid..” How about we start with the top half of your body?” Reid just nodded and leaned back so they could look at his stomach wound. “Would you like to lift your shirt or should I?” Reid moved his shirt up without saying anything or letting go of Hotch’s hand. “I am going to touch you now, let me know if the pain is bad,” Dr. Aarzoo said as she touched each of Reid’s ribs and then his shoulders. She then looked at his stitches before asking him to sit up. She then went behind Reid and looked at his back, touching several spots. “Everything here looks good. Now if I could see your wrists”

Dr. Aarzoo examined each wrist closely and then moved on to his hands, forcing Reid to let go of Hotch’s hand. She pressed on his hands in several spots as Dr. Hernandez wrote on Reid’s chart. “Squeeze my hands.. Good. Push my hands.. Good. Reach up above your head” Reid tried to reach up but looked pained before he even made it halfway. “Good, thank you. How are your feet feeling?”

Reid looked at his feet, so much had happened over the past week that he had forgotten that the first beating he received was to his feet. “They feel fine. I- I forgot they were hurt.”

“Well, that is a great sign. Remember not to walk too much over the next few weeks. Your hand strength is returning quickly but your shoulder movements are going to take some time. I recommend at least a week off of work and desk duty until you are back to 100%, probably in a few weeks to a month. Now how is your posterior feeling?

“Fine,” Reid answered automatically.

“We will need to take a look; would you prefer Dr. Hernandez or myself?” Dr. Aarzoo asked, already knowing what Reid would say.

Reid nodded his head towards Dr. Aarzoo and laid down on the bed, moving to how he was sitting last time she examined him. Dr. Hernandez got a sheet from the closet while Dr. Aarzoo pulled the stirrups out of the bed. She placed the sheet on Reid’s lap. “If you could just slip your pants and underwear off and place your feet in the stirrups.” Dr. Aarzoo said.

Reid just stared at Dr. Hernandez though, wide-eyed. Hotch noticed and spoke up, “Dr. Hernandez, can you step out of the room for this exam?”

The doctor gave a loud sigh but left. Once he left, Reid relaxed slightly and slipped his clothes off the bottom half of his body. Hotch moved himself next to Reid, facing him, as he did last time. He held Reid’s hand and the two just looked at each other as he was examined. It went much easier than last time.

Reid got lost in his own thoughts while staring into Hotch’s eyes, _Aaron is so nice to help me through this.. I don’t understand. Why am I not scared of him, but other men make me shake with fear? I mean I wasn’t scared of Morgan when he came earlier but there is no way I would have allowed him to help me with this or help me shower. I don-._

Dr. Aarzoo pulled him from his thoughts, “All done Dr. Reid. You are healing well, and I feel comfortable discharging you now. I recommend you stay with a loved one, or have them stay with you, for at least a week and you should get looked over by your regular physician in a week or before your return to work. Just take it easy. You should also set up with a psychologist once you return home. Make sure to eat regularly as well.” She grabbed Reid’s chart, signed a piece of paper and handed it to Reid. “You are free to go. Thank you for the work you two do, stay safe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said I was going to update less but that didn't happen. I made it over 30k words though!  
> I hope you all enjoy and continue reading! Kudos, comment and subscribe :D


	16. Take Off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Aftermath of torture

It took Hotch and Reid longer than expected to get to the airstrip and on to the jet, but they were still the first ones to arrive. After Reid was discharged, Hotch called JJ to inform them they were ready, but the team was out at lunch. He told them to take their time but to get a to-go meal for Reid and himself. The flight back home was only a little over an hour, but they never ate lunch. Hotch knew that Reid wouldn’t eat unless he ate as well. 

Once the two got on to the jet, Reid went straight for the couch and laid down, facing away from Hotch. He didn’t expect to be so worn out from just going from the hospital to the car to the jet. Hotch could tell he was embarrassed so once he sat at the seat across from the couch, he pulled out his phone.

_14:24_

_To: Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, Penelope Garcia, Jennifer Jareau, Jason Gideon_

_From: Aaron Hotchner_

  * _No one is to comment on Reid’s clothing or exhaustion. What is your ETA?_



_14:24_

_To: Aaron Hotchner, Emily Prentiss, Penelope Garcia, Jennifer Jareau, Jason Gideon_

_From: Derek Morgan_

  * _What’s wrong with the kid’s clothes?_



_14:24_

_To: Aaron Hotchner, Derek Morgan, Penelope Garcia, Jennifer Jareau, Jason Gideon_

_From: Emily Prentiss_

  * _Five to seven minutes, sir. Gideon is driving._



_14:25_

_To: Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, Penelope Garcia, Jennifer Jareau, Jason Gideon_

_From: Aaron Hotchner_

  * _He wanted to wear his regular day clothes, a button-up and slacks, but the button up rubbed his skin and opened a wound on his back up again and the slacks pressed on the bruises on his hips. He is in a white t-shirt, cardigan, and gray sweatpants and not happy about it._



_14:26_

_To: Aaron Hotchner, Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, Penelope Garcia, Jason Gideon_

_From: Jennifer Jareau_

  * _He owns GRAY sweatpants? LOL I would have never guessed. Make sure not to stare Pen!_



_14:26_

_To: Aaron Hotchner, Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau, Jason Gideon_

_From: Penelope Garcia_

  * _Men look so good in gray sweats! My Chocolate Thunder looks the best in them!_



_14:27_

_To: Derek Morgan, Penelope Garcia, Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau, Jason Gideon_

_From: Aaron Hotchner_

  * _What are you guys talking about?_



_14:27_

_To: Aaron Hotchner, Penelope Garcia, Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau, Jason Gideon_

_From: Derek Morgan_

  * _Really man? You need to work less. Gray sweats emphasize a guy’s bulge.. You know, shows off their dick more LOL_



_14:29_

_To: Aaron Hotchner, Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau, Jason Gideon_

_From: Penelope Garcia_

  * _I don’t think Boss Man is gonna text you back, Handsome LOL we are pulling up now Hotch!_



Hotch put the phone on the desk in front of him. _What am I even supposed to say back to that? Now I have to try hard not to look at Reid’s crotch. It is bad enough that I think most the team already knows how I feel about Reid, even though I just figured it out myself.. Damn profilers.._ Hotch thought as he heard the team walk up to the jet stairs. “Hey, Reid. You up? The team is coming in now.”

Reid sat up as the team walked into the jet, everyone taking their seat. “Hey Gideon”, Reid said with a smile. It was clear that he missed the older man. “Are you feeling better?”

Gideon sat down on the other side of the jet. He didn’t even bother to look at Reid, “Yeah”. He said, pulling out a book and placing his glasses on the end of his nose.

Reid’s smile faded. _Did I do something wrong? ... I must disgust him now… He saw what happened to me. He must think I am weak, used, di- ._ Reid stopped mid-thought as JJ walked up to him with a takeout plate. “We got you some lunch, Spence. You need to eat. Garcia mentioned how you said you liked pancakes, so we got you blueberry pancakes with syrup and whip cream on the side.”

Garcia, who was sitting beside Morgan at the desk, spoke up. “I wanted to get you chocolate pancakes, but they wouldn’t let me!”

“He needs the fruit Baby Girl”, Morgan said

“He needs the calories too! And you can never go wrong with some chocolate” Garcia said, making flirty eyes at Morgan. Emily, who was sitting across from the two, laughed.

Reid took the plate from JJ, giving a slight smile as a thank you. She then walked over to Hotch and gave him a takeout plate and a case file before walking over and sitting next to Emily. Reid placed his plate on the seat next to him on the couch, turning himself to face it. “Hsttt..” Reid hissed in pain, catching everyone’s attention.

“Reid, are you alright?” Hotch asked, putting down the plate and case file.

“Uh.. yeah. Just rubbed my back against the couch on accident when I was turning..”

“Oh Spence, your bleeding!” JJ said. Reid’s back was facing the arm of the couch and the other half of the jet, where most of the team was.

Morgan jumped up and walked over to Reid before Hotch could. He touched Reid’s shoulder causing Reid to flinch violently, letting out a small whimper. “Oh… I am sorry kid.. I didn’t think.”

The blood that was pooling on the back of Reid’s cardigan grew from his sharp movement, “N-no.. I- I.. Sorry.” Reid said starting to shake and he wrapped his arms around himself, digging his nails into his skin again. He hated that he was scared of Morgan, he knew that Morgan would never hurt him. He has protected him more than once and he trusted the man with his life. Reid gave a pleading look to Hotch.

Hotch jumped up, placing a hand on Morgan’s shoulder, silently telling him to go sit down. “I need to take a look at your back, can I help you out of your sweater?” Reid nodded, letting go of himself. “I need to take your shirt off too, is that okay?” Reid nodded again. “I am going to touch you now.” Hotch carefully helped Reid out of his cardigan and shirt as JJ walked up with a first aid kit, careful not to get too close or move too fast. Reid’s marred back was still facing his team, JJ let out a soft gasp when she saw it. Garcia and Morgan averted their eyes and Emily placed her hand over her mouth. The three women saw part of his whipping that night on the video stream, but they weren’t prepared for the extent of the damage.

Hotch looked up for a moment, noticing Gideon was looking up as well. He suddenly looked pale and sick as he stared at Reid’s back. Hotch didn’t understand what was going on with the older man but he was strongly disappointed in his behavior. He went through the first aid kit and found what he needed. He walked around to the arm of the couch to see Reid’s back. “The wound that opened up earlier today opened up again. I still think they could have stitched it. Can I touch your back?” Reid nodded, too embarrassed to talk.

Hotch finished up and grabbed his own to-go bag, pulling a folded light gray triathlon shirt out. “Here. This will be loose on you. Can I help you put it on?” Reid stood up carefully in order to pull the shirt on and JJ, who was still standing near the couch, gasped again. This got Reid’s attention and he looked over at JJ and the team as they stared at his body.

“I am fine JJ…” Reid said, his face turning red.

JJ moved closer, slowly lifting her arm and placing a hand on the bruises on Reid’s hips, causing Reid to lightly flinch but she didn’t back away. Then moving her hand to the large stitched stab wound on his stomach. Tears welled up in her eyes as she gently moved her hand to Reid’s arm, brushing down the marks his nails have made, his track marks and stopping at his injured wrist. She placed her hand in his and moved it to her own cheek, leaning her face into the back of his hand. She finally let her tears fall and she softly spoke, “I am so sorry Spence.. We should have never split up. I should have had your back.” Tears falling onto Reid’s hand.

Suddenly Reid pulled JJ into a hug, his hands going around her narrow waist and JJ allowed her head to rest on Reid’s bare chest. “Jennifer, none of this was your fault, okay? It was my idea to split up and I ran off before you could even argue. I am fine, please don’t worry.” Reid said, pulling out of the hug. He lightly wiped a tear off her cheek before giving her a smile and turning back to Hotch. JJ shyly went back to her seat. Hotch helped Reid into the borrowed shirt, which hung loosely on the much thinner man. “Hotch.. this is kinda too big..” Reid said as he tucked the front of it into the waistband of his sweatpants, trying to keep it from gapping.

Hotch watched the younger man wearing his shirt and the alpha male in him screamed. He loved seeing Reid in his clothes. His eyes traveled down as Reid tucked the shirt into his gray sweatpants. Remembering what Morgan said, he let his eyes drift to Reid’s crotch than his eye’s shot right back up and Hotch started to blush. He could hear a giggle from Morgan and Garcia. _Damnit, they saw me look! Great…. Morgan and Garcia were right though.._ Hotch thought as he sat back down and picked his phone up.

_14:41_

_To: Derek Morgan, Penelope Garcia_

_From: Aaron Hotchner_

  * _You both need to attend a sexual harassment seminar when we return._



_14:41_

_To: Aaron Hotchner, Penelope Garcia_

_From: Derek Morgan_

  * _You’re just mad cause we were right!_



_14:42_

_To: Aaron Hotchner, Derek Morgan_

_From: Penelope Garcia_

  * _Who knew our baby boy was packing! LOL <3 _



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I am not the only one that found this chapter funny.  
> Subscribe, Review and kudos! Thank-you!


	17. Landing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Mention of child abuse, past sexual assault, PTSD, self-harm

The jet was quiet. Reid and Hotch had finished their meals and were both reading. When the flight was more than halfway over Morgan noticed Reid turning his pages less often. His hand didn’t run down the page like it normally did and Reid’s face looked as if he was staring into the distance. Morgan had been wanting to talk to Reid about what the team learned about the young man from Gideon, but he hadn’t had the chance. He was still full of guilt for pressuring Reid to date women, not even thinking about the chance that he was struggling with his sexuality.

After a few minutes of staring at Reid, he got up. He figured now was as good of a time as any. Morgan slowly moved to the chair across from Reid, at the same desk as Hotch. He rotated his airplane seat to face Reid, “Hey Pretty Boy, how are you holding up?”

Reid looked from over his book, “I am alright Morgan. Glad to be going home.” Morgan and Reid just looked at each other for a moment before Reid spoke up again, “Is everything okay?”

“I- I.. I just wanted to say sorry,” Morgan said, looking down.

“Why? You didn’t do anything wrong.” Reid said, confused.

“No.. I am sorry for harassing you to date women.”

Reid furrowed his brow, “What are you talking about?”, he said, putting his book down.

“I was close-minded. I do want you to know that we all accept you for who you are, no matter what gender you are attracted too.” Morgan said, looking back up to meet Reid’s eyes.

Reid’s face lit up red from a mix of anger and embarrassment, “I am not fucking gay, Derek!”

Morgan looked shocked, “It is okay, man. You don’t have to hide it.”

“I am not hiding anything!” Reid said, looking as if he was about to cry.

“Kid.. Gideon told us you dated his-.”

Reid cut Morgan off, standing up quickly and yelling to the other side of the jet where Gideon was still sitting. “You told them! You had no right!”

Gideon set down his book and took his glasses off, “Spencer, Stephen was my son. I can tell his dating history to whomever I please.”

“No! No! It’s not true! I-. “

Gideon stood up, full of anger, “Are you trying to deny that you dated my son? That you two were madly in love? Stephen would be heartbroken to hear you deny him!”

Reid didn’t know what to say, “N-no! I-I mean I-.”

Gideon cut Reid off again, “Listen, just because you were sexually abused by your dad and now by that- “. Gasps could be heard from several teammates as those words left Gideon’s mouth.

“Stop!”, Reid yelled before Gideon could finish his sentence. Tears started to roll down his cheeks. “My father never touched me!”

Gideon spoke callously, “Oh come on Spencer! You work with God Damned profilers! You think we couldn’t all see the signs of sexual abuse on you!”

“Shut the fuck up!” Reid screamed at Gideon, wrapping his arms around himself and digging his nails into his skin. Tears streamed heavier down his cheeks as he started to shake.

Gideon walked closer to Reid, getting in front of him as the whole team watched. They weren’t sure what to do and they were all too shocked at what they were hearing.

Gideon spoke in a dark whisper, “What is the matter, Spencer? Are you worried we are going to think you liked what your dad did to you if you come out as gay?” Gideon sounded as if he was purposely trying to hurt Spencer with his words. “How long did he molest you for? Or was it full-on rape? Is that why he left you and your ill mother? You got too old for- “. **_SMACK!_** Suddenly Hotch slapped Gideon across the face, causing more gasps around the plane.

“Jason! I don’t know what has gotten into you! Go sit down!” Hotch ordered in his deep official voice.

Hotch watched the older man rub his red cheek and walk back to his seat before he turned to Reid. Reid was shaking violently, sobbing and digging his nails so hard into his arms that blood started to trickle down. Morgan was also standing up now, wide eye.

Hotch gestured for Morgan to go back to his seat over by Garcia, JJ, and Emily. All of which were staring at Reid. Garcia was letting tears run down her cheeks while the other two women looked heartbroken as they watch Reid. Hotch got a little closer to Reid, “Hey.. Spencer. Are you with us?”

Reid took his fists and started to hit himself on the head, ruthlessly punching the top of his head, before sobbing out, “H-he d-didn’t! H-he didn’t do a-anything!” JJ jumped up to help but Emily grabbed her hand, stopping her from going over to Reid.

“Spence, it’s alright. You don’t have to tell us anything, okay? Gideon was out of line. Just relax, stop hitting yourself please.” Hotch said, moving a little closer to Reid but not touching him. Reid didn’t answer but continued to harm himself. The movement from his hands hitting his head was too much for his right wrist and it started to bleed.

Hotch was feeling desperate, not sure how to stop Reid and he didn’t think that touching him would work this time. When he saw the blood streak down Reid’s arm he yelled, “Oh please hun stop! You are bleeding!” Hotch’s loud voice caused Reid to flinch.

He backed up, tripping on air and fell to the carpeted floor of the jet. Reid pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms tightly around his legs and started quietly begging, “P-please.. please d-don’t.. N-not again… I w-will be g-g-good.” His words were shaky, but everyone heard them.

Morgan felt horrible for bringing up his sexuality, he had no idea this would happen. This made him realize that he didn’t actually know the young man that well. He turned his head to Gideon, he was facing the back of the plane, away from the team and Reid. Morgan could see the older man wipe tears from his face but didn’t feel bad for him. He wanted to knock him out for being so ruthless to Reid.

Hotch kneeled on the floor next to Reid, “Oh no hunny.. you are good. Whatever happened to you wasn’t because you were bad, okay? No one is going to hurt you. Can you look at me?” Hotch said in a light, calm tone. Reid slowly lifted his head up, meeting Hotch’s eyes. “Great job. Are you back with us?” Reid nodded his head but didn’t loosen the hold on his legs. “That is great Spencer. You are doing really well.” Hotch reached over to the small table he was sitting at earlier and retrieved the first aid kit. “I need to patch up your wrist, you’re bleeding… Is it okay if I touch you now?”

Reid loosened the grip on himself, lifting his arm so his right wrist was up within eyeshot. The team watched Reid as he stared blankly at his bleeding wrist. Blood flowing freely down his arm and onto the jet’s dark carpet. Hotch started to feel uneasy, remembering the light white self-harm scars that littered the young man’s upper thighs. “Hey.. Reid? Can I help you with that? It looks like you might have popped a stitch. I have some butterfly tape right here.”

Reid didn’t acknowledge Hotch at all. Instead, he took his left hand and ran it across his bleeding wrist, pausing at the spot where the stitch had popped open. Hotch inched a little closer, trying to see what Reid was doing. Reid then took his finger and pressed it into the opening of the wound and dragged it to the side, popping open two more stitches, causing blood to gush out of his wrist. “Spencer! Stop!” Hotch yelled once he saw what Reid had done. Hotch grabbed his hand away and quickly applied pressure with the gauze he was already holding.

Reid flinched, as if he was breaking out of a trance. “W-what? Sorry..” he said as he looked at Hotch, then let his eyes move to his teammates, who were shocked at the scene of self-harm they just watched from their best friend.

Hotch got to work on Reid’s wrist, trying to close the open wound with butterfly tape and covering it tightly with gauze and a bandage. Hotch sighed, “I hope that keeps it closed, if it opens up again then we will need to take you to get your stitches replaced.” Both men still sat on the bloody carpet of the jet for several minutes before Hotch spoke up again, “Reid.. do you want to talk about what just happened?”

Reid stood up and sat himself back on the couch. “No”, he said pulling out his iPod and headphones out of his messenger bag. “We will be landing soon,” he said before putting on the headphones and closing his eyes.

Hotch stood up, and looked at his team, Morgan, Garcia, Emily, and JJ were all still watching Reid and Hotch. He took his phone off of the table and showed it to the team, as a way of telling them to text him if they wanted to talk. They all sat down and pulled out their phones.

_15:31_

_To: Aaron Hotchner, Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau, Penelope Garcia_

_From: Derek Morgan_

  * _What the fuck is wrong with Gideon?_



_15:31_

_To: Aaron Hotchner, Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, Penelope Garcia_

_From: Jennifer Jareau_

  * _Is what Gideon said about Reid’s dad true? Did anyone pick up on it like Gideon suggested?_



_15:33_

_To: Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau, Penelope Garcia_

_From: Aaron Hotchner_

  * _I don’t know what has gotten into Jason. I have never seen him act this way. I also am not sure if what Gideon said was true or not but based off how Reid reacted, it probably is true on some level. The psychologist at the hospital seemed to believe that Reid went through some type of child abuse as well. His father sexually abusing him might be what she was picking up on.. I had no idea personally._



_15:34_

_To: Aaron Hotchner, Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau_

_From: Penelope Garcia_

  * _Our poor baby boy… He has enough to deal with right now without Gideon bringing the past back up._



_15:35_

_To: Aaron Hotchner, Derek Morgan, Jennifer Jareau, Penelope Garcia_

_From: Emily Prentiss_

  * _. Is Reid gay or not? He seemed pretty adamant that he wasn’t._



_15:35_

_To: Aaron Hotchner, Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau, Penelope Garcia_

_From: Derek Morgan_

  * _I am sorry for bringing it up guys. I should have known he would freak out.. Based on how he reacted, he probably is gay and feels very ashamed about it so let’s not bring it up again._



_15:36_

_To: Aaron Hotchner, Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, Penelope Garcia_

_From: Jennifer Jareau_

  * _We are landing now, what’s gonna happen to Reid when we get home? I mean, he ripped open his wrist during a panic attack. He can’t just go home alone._



_15:36_

_To: Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau, Penelope Garcia_

_From: Aaron Hotchner_

  * _I am going to stay with him, or he will stay with me for probably a week. We have all been given the next week off due to the stress of this case. The doctor suggested Reid take at least one week off work and he is not allowed in the field for three more weeks._



As the plane touches down Reid takes off his headphones, “So, you guys done texting about me or should we wait in the plane for a few more minutes while you wrap up? Reid said, sounding annoyed.

Hotch ignored his comment, “Did you want to stay at my place or are we both staying at yours?”

Reid rolled his eye, “I didn’t sign up for a sleepover Hotch. I am going home alone.”

“No. You are not. I know you read the paper you signed at discharge. You were released into my care and will remain in my care for one week, longer if necessary.”

“I don’t need a babysitter!”, Reid yelled.

“Reid.” Hotch said, giving Reid one of his famous glares.

Reid sighed; he didn’t have the energy to fight the older man. “I don’t care. You pick.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh how I love angst and attitude Reid.   
> I have to work on college work now, even though I don't want too. Another chapter in the next day or two!   
> Kudos, Subscribe and Comment! :D


	18. Back Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: Mention of child abuse, sexual abuse, self-harm, death, aftermath of torture and hint at an eating disorder

The two men made it to Reid’s apartment around 8 pm. Hotch made the decision for them to stay at Reid’s place, in hopes of making his recovery easier. After they left the airport Hotch had to take Reid to the hospital to get his wrist stitched again, in spite of Reid’s complaining. Then Hotch had to get clothes from his apartment before they could head to Reid’s. The thought of borrowing Reid’s clothes ran through his mind, until he looked at Reid swimming in his shirt again. He doubted the thinner man had any clothing that would fit his broad body. 

When the two men entered the apartment, Reid took his to-go bag and messenger bag and went right for his room. Hotch took a moment to look around, trying not to profile but it came so naturally. _I have never been in Spencer’s apartment.. I don’t think anyone from the team has._ Hotch thought as his eyes wandered.

It was a small place. The walls were painted an olive green, not helping the small and dark appearance. The living room looked more like a library or office, with several rows of floor to ceiling bookshelves. There was a sitting area with a large leather sofa, a large antique coffee table, and two antique wingback chairs. _No Television.._ To the side was an expensive-looking chessboard with two smaller chairs next to it. The board was already mid-match. In the front of the room, where a dining room table was probably supposed to go was a large antique desk. It was dark wood, worn in spots. It was covered with papers and open books. _No computer.._ He was shocked at the number of books and antiques around the room. There were small piles of books everywhere he looked. He looked back at the bookshelves.

They were brimming with books. Hotch walked over to the closest one and pulled a book at random. _This book is quite old looking, I wonder if he only keeps collector editions. Wait.. This isn’t even in English.. I don’t think I even know this language._

“It is Lithuanian,” Reid said, appearing at the doorstep of his bedroom, looking calm and exhausted.

“You can speak Lithuanian?” Hotch asked, trying to hide the shock in his voice. He is always surprised by what the young genius can do.

“Aš galiu tai geriau perskaityti nei kalbėti.” Reid said slowly before giving a chuckle at Hotch’s shocked expression. “All I said was that I can read it better than I can speak it. I know many languages, but I do not have training in dialect and accents. I only need to read the different languages so that is fine.”

“Why would you learn a language that you can’t speak correctly?” Hotch asked, placing the book back on the shelf.

“I learn different languages to open up the material I can read. I do not see a reason I would need to speak Lithuanian, Hebrew, Latin, Sanskrit or any of the languages I know or will learn.” Reid said, moving to sit on the couch.

Hotch moved his way to the kitchen. The first thing he noticed was a large fancy coffee maker. He then started to look through his fridge, but it was almost completely empty. The only things in the fridge were old take out, coffee creamer and expired milk. The cabinets were equally empty, coffee, sugar, tea, a half-eaten box of sugary cereal and an unopened bag of brown rice. “Hey, Spence”, Hotch said walking back out to the living room, “where is all of your food?”

“Uhh I don’t keep much in the house,” Reid said without looking up. The young man looked as if he was going to fall asleep on himself any minute.

“No.. You don’t keep anything in the house. The only things that are edible in there are dry cereal and brown rice. What do you eat when you are home?” Hotch asked, sitting down beside Reid.

“That brown rice bag was here when I moved in” Reid said with a chuckle. “I order take out most the time I guess, I am not home too much though.”

Hotch looked at the hundreds of books around the room, “Reid, you clearly spend time in your home reading. Do you forget to eat when you are home alone?”

Reid gave Hotch an annoyed expression, “Sometimes.. It’s not a big deal. I just get into what I am doing. It’s not something I worry about.”

Hotch sighed, leaning a little closer to the young man. “You need to worry about it. You are underweight. I knew you forgot to eat on cases, but I didn’t think about you forgetting to eat at home.. I am sorry.”

Reid shook his head, “Why would you be sorry, Aaron? I am not anyone else’s responsibility.” Reid said, leaning ever so slightly closer to Hotch. “I am tired. I would like to sleep now.”

“You need to eat first. We haven’t eaten since the plane.” Hotch pulled out his phone and started to look at takeout restaurants nearby, “What about Chinese food?”

Reid was having a hard time keeping his eyes open, “Yeah, whatever. I don’t care.”

Hotch scrolled through the menu for a few minutes before feeling something lean on his side. Reid had fallen asleep and slumped over onto Hotch. Hotch drank in the sight of the younger man asleep on him. He felt his body swoon with love. He wished he could pull Reid in, hug him closely and never let go. Hotch knew he couldn’t let his emotions drive him though. He still needed to take care of Reid. Slowly he moved out of from under Reid, placing his head on a throw pillow. He then went to Reid’s room to grab a blanket.

The bedroom was similar to the living room, full of books and antiques. Even his bed frame looked antique. It was quite large, taking up most of the room. The headboard was a dark, patiently hand-carved, wood with two pillars on each side that almost hit the ceiling. The side table matched the bed frame perfectly. He took a folded throw blanket off of the footboard and went back to the living room.

Reid was still asleep on the couch, as he took the blanket and covered him up he noticed another track mark on the inside of Reid’s elbow. _Damnit.. he was only in his room for a few minutes. No wonder he was so tired and relaxed all of a sudden… I need to do something.._ Hotch thought before his legs were moving. He went back to Reid’s bedroom and looked for his bags. _No.. I can’t go through Spencer’s things, right? Well, I have already proved that I can’t be with him every second. He has used multiple times when I was just feet away._

Hotch spotted Reid’s bags and opened the to-go bag first. He found Tobias’s pants, but they were empty. He dug around the bag with no avail before moving to the messenger bag. _Ugh, I don’t want to go through this._ Hotch thought before digging through his messenger bag. There were cold case files, many handwritten letters, two books, headphones and iPod, his cell phone, a fidget toy, and some sugary snacks but no drugs.

Hotch put everything back before standing up. _Shit.. Was I wrong? No… he is clearly using. Where did he put them?_ Hotch looked up at the ensuite bathroom door. _Of course.. what easier place to use them than the bathroom.._ Hotch walked into the bathroom and was taken aback by how plain it was compared to the rest of the apartment. Stark white tiles, a large white soaking tub and shower, a pedestal sink with a large mirror that opened up to a medicine cabinet and a toilet that had a built-in bidet. The room was extremely clean, showing off Reid’s clear Mysophobia and slight OCD.

There weren’t many places for drugs to be hidden. The bathroom lacked decent storage. He opened the large mirror to look in the medicine cabinet. Everything looked normal. Shaving kit, deodorant, brush, toothbrush, toothpaste, some over the counter medicines… There was a first aid kit pushed to the side of the cabinet. Hotch went ahead and got it out in case he needed it for Reid’s wrist or back later. He opened it up and tried to find some gauze. He was surprised when he found several razor blades and many more band-aids that a typical first aid kit would have. He pulled the razor blades out of the kit, looking at them closely. Two of the blades looked like new while the third had a reddish-brown tint to it and was slightly rusty.

 _Fuck… he used this to cut himself at one point. Why would he have kept this stuff though? I didn’t see any fresh cuts on the boy’s body…_ Hotch thought as he took the razors and placed them in his pocket. _Better safe than sorry.._ He put everything back and sat on the edge of the tub. _Where in the hell did he put them?_ Hotch was starting to lose hope before he noticed a small piece of tape that hung loosely under the bathroom sink.

He got down on the floor to look and there they were. Two bottles of Dilaudid and a syringe, taped to the underside of the sink. Hotch quickly took them, opening and dumping the bottles in the sink. He then took the empty bottles, razors, and needle and threw them in the kitchen trash can. Taking the bag out of the can and replacing it with a new one before walking out of the apartment, down the hall to the trash shoot.

When he returned to Reid’s apartment, he was still fast asleep on the couch. _That was the easy part… he is going to realize what I did soon and be furious. Damnit.. This would be easier if Jason was here, he has known Spencer since he was 18... I still don’t understand why he is behaving the way he is._ Hotch thought as he sat down at Reid’s desk chair. It was leather and quite worn but still comfortable.

He pulled out his phone and went ahead and ordered Chinese food online for them both. Reid might not be hungry but Hotch was starving. _20-30 minutes before it’s here…_ Hotch thought about what to do in the meantime. _How does Spencer not have a TV or computer but has expensive antiques and books? He is unique for sure, really for a 25-year-old._ Hotch sighed before deciding to text the team. He sent one group message to Morgan, Prentiss, Garcia, and JJ, saying how they were at Reid’s place and everything was alright. Then he sent a message to Gideon.

_21:36_

_To: Jason Gideon_

_From: Aaron Hotchner_

  * _Jason, you need to tell me what is going on and why you lashed out at Reid today. Whether what you said about Reid’s father was true or not, it was uncalled for. He needs everyone’s help right now, you included._



_21:39_

_To: Aaron Hotchner_

_From: Jason Gideon_

  * _I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t watch Spencer struggle. I can’t see his marred body. I already had to live through my only son dying. I can’t lose another. It is my fault for getting him into this field to begin with. He could have taken his mind anywhere, but I pulled him to the FBI and BAU._



_21:42_

_To: Jason Gideon_

_From: Aaron Hotchner_

  * _That is just stupid! So your plan was to hurt Reid so he didn’t want you around? You know that is not going to happen. The kid loves you. He thinks of you as a father figure._



As soon as Hotch sent the message his phone rang, it was Gideon.

Hotch took a deep breath, calming himself before answering, “Hotchner”

_“Aaron, how many children have you lost?”_

“What do you mean, Jason? You know I do not have children.”

_“No. You don’t. So you have absolutely no idea what it feels like to lose one, huh?”_

“No. I don’t, Jason. But that doesn’t-.”

_“No! You don’t know! When my son died I lost a part of myself. Instead of falling apart, I clung to what I did have, which was Spencer. He stayed with me and helped me through Stephen’s death. He was falling apart but never faltered. That’s when I saw it. One day I went off on him, screaming about something that he didn’t do, just misplaced anger.. What was his response? His face went blank and he got on his knees and started to undo my belt.”_

“You stopped him right?!” Hotch yelled at Gideon before he could finish his story.

_“Of course! To be honest I don’t know what abuse he had to go through but it’s clear there was sexual abuse.. My point is that I saw he was conditioned into following whatever order he was given by his father and after Stephen died and we started to spend so much time together, it was clear that the conditioning somehow linked to me. He follows what I say without question. More than once I have had to stop him from trying to sexually please me when I got mad at him… And what did I do? I took that naivety, his desire to serve, and I pushed him to the FBI so I could use his mind in the BAU.”_

“He chose to go to the BAU, Jason. He might be young, but he is an adult and he is strong enough to make his own choices. If you push him away, that’s not giving him a choice.”

_“I am not pushing him away; I am leaving for good. Effective immediately I am resigning my position at the FBI and will be leaving the area.”_

“Jason! You can’t do that!”

_“You couldn’t possibly understand. I don’t expect you too. My gun and badge will be in my cabin. Spencer has a key. And Aaron… Be careful with him. If you take care of him like a father then he might blindly do whatever you say but if you take care of him like a lover then he might push you away.”_

“Gideon! You can’t just leave him like his father did!” Hotch yelled at the phone but it was too late. Gideon already hung up. He slammed his phone down on the desk and leaned back in the desk chair.

He heard Reid move on the couch, when he looked over he saw Reid sitting up, looking at him. He had tears in his eyes, “H-he left?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you all think. I have yet another migraine and my brain is fuzzy. Which of course makes me think of Reid in S6 E19 when he was telling Morgan about his migraines, "I only read five books last week".  
> Remember to comment, kudos and subscribe.


	19. Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Mention of child abuse, sexually assault, murder, drug use, and PTSD

Hotch didn’t know what to say, he had no clue how much of the conversation Reid heard. _Should I tell him the truth or lie? If I lie, when he finds out I would have ruined his trust but telling him the truth could hurt him worse._ Hotch sighed, leaning forward in the desk chair and placed his head in his hands.

Before Hotch could say anything, Reid started firing questions off in rapid succession. “I don’t understand… Were you two talking about me? He stopped me from what? Is he leaving? Where is he going? Why would he leave? What did I-.”

“Woah, woah.. Calm down, Spencer.” Hotch said, cutting Reid off. He stood up to go sit down next to Reid but there was a knock on the door. Reid flinched, staring wide-eyed at the door. “It’s okay.. It is just the takeout I ordered for us.” Hotch cracked the door just enough to sign the bill, tip the delivery driver and take the bag. He took the bag into the living room and sat it down on the coffee table before sitting next to Reid on the couch.

“Listen, Spence.. It would seem as though Gideon is leaving the BAU.” Hotch said in a calm and stoic voice.

Reid couldn’t hide his emotions, “Why? Did I do something wrong? Was I bad? I must disgust him now.. I just have to see him and-.”

Hotch reached out, grabbing Reid’s shaking hands, “Sweetie, you didn’t do anything wrong and you do not disgust anyone, okay? Gideon is working through his own issues right now. It is possible that he will change his mind, but I honestly don’t know. It seems that losing his son was hard enough and when he almost lost you, it was too much.”

Reid’s mind was foggy from Dilaudid and nothing was making sense. He couldn’t understand why his mentor would abandon him when he needed him the most. After a few minutes of silence Hotch got up and got forks and plates. He served some food for Reid and then himself. Then he got up and got two cups of water and set them on the coffee table. “Coasters”, Reid said, pointing to the small drawer on the side of the coffee table. Hotch chuckled and grabbed them each a coaster.

Hotch ate his food quickly but Reid just pushed his food around, taking few bites. They ate in silence as Hotch could tell Reid was deep in thought. A few minutes after Hotch finished and Reid stopped trying to take bites Hotch spoke up, “You really should eat more..”

“I am full,” Reid said without bothering to look at the older man.

Hotch went ahead and started to clean up while Reid continued to space out on the couch. Hotch watched Reid and started to worry, “Are you okay? Do you want to talk about what is on your mind?”

Reid stood up, “No. I just want to go to sleep.” He said, walking into his bedroom.

Hotch followed and turned to Reid’s dresser, “Can I help you change into PJs?” Hotch asked but didn’t get a response. He went ahead and opened Reid’s dresser drawers. He tried to hold in his laugh as he saw the first drawer was full of crazy socks and none of them were matched. Next were neatly folded boxers, some of which had cartoons and designs on them. He pulled a pair at random. The third drawer was full of folded t-shirts. It was a mix of lounge shirts and white undershirts. He grabbed the first one he saw before moving to the last drawer. He held in a laugh again at the cartoon covered pajama pants that filled the drawer. There was everything from Star Trek to bright yellow pants covered in blue ducks. _His whole apartment looks like the home of a 60-year-old professor, but his dresser looks like an 18-year-old’s._ Hotch thought to himself before placing the clothes on the bed.

Reid just sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the wall. Hotch walked in front of Reid, leaning down to get to eye level, “Hey, are you with me? You need to change your clothes. Would you like help?”

Reid looked Hotch in the eyes for a moment before quickly looking away. He was trying to hold back tears but when he nodded his head a few escaped.

“Spencer.. It will be okay. You still have the whole team and we don’t know if this is certain or not yet. I am going to talk to Morgan in the morning and see if he will go to Gideon’s cabin, okay? I am going to touch you now; I would feel a lot better if you would say something before I help you change.”

“Okay…” Reid spoke so quietly Hotch wasn’t sure if he actually heard it or not, but he started to help Reid. Hotch helped him out of his shirt and then placed the new one on him. He then unfolded the boxers and pants, laying them out on the bed before turning around. He could hear Reid change into the new clothes and then sat back on the bed. Hotch waited an extra minute after he heard Reid sit to make sure he was done before turning around. He gathered the dirty clothes and threw them in a small woven laundry basket inside of his closet.

Then he walked over to Reid, untucked the blankets of the made bed and pushed them to the side so that Reid could climb in. He then covered Reid back up. “I know you are worried and scared but it will all be okay. You are home now, and we are going to figure this out together. Do you need anything?” Hotch asked as he walked towards the door.

“Can… Can you turn the bathroom light on? I- I can’t sleep without it..” Reid said, embarrassed of his fear of the dark.

“Sure,” Hotch said as he flipped the bathroom light on before saying goodnight and shutting Reid’s bedroom door behind him.

Hotch grabbed his to-go bag and made his way to the half bath that was connected to the laundry room off of the kitchen. The bathroom looked as if it was never used. The medicine cabinet was empty, and the toilet paper roll was brand new. Hotch changed his clothes to a pair of plaid pajama pants and a white t-shirt before grabbing some sheets and a pillow from the laundry room shelf and making a makeshift bed on Reid’s couch.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hotch jumped awake at the sound of someone screaming. It took a second for him to process where he was and that it was Reid screaming. He rushed to Reid’s bedroom, opening the door but the room was empty. Then he heard a crash from the bathroom, “GOD DAMNIT!” Reid screamed.

Hotch slowly opened the bathroom door. Everything in the medicine cabinet had been tossed around the room. The first aid box was dumped out as well. “Are you-.” Hotch started to ask before Reid cut him off.

“You! You got rid of them didn’t you?! Where are they?!” Reid yelled, moving closer to Hotch with a wild look in his eyes.

“Where is what, Reid?” Hotch said, trying to act calm.

“You fucking know what! The Dilaudid! My syringe! Even my razors! They are all gone! What the fuck did you do?!” Reid grabbed the collar of Hotch’s shirt, pulling him extremely close to the other man’s face.

Hotch was surprisingly a little scared. He knew he could take Reid, even if he wasn’t injured but he had never seen the young man act like this. “What do you mean, what did I do? You should be asking yourself, what were you doing?” Reid let go of Hotch but turns right around and punches the wall. The sudden action startles Hotch and he yells, “Reid, stop!” in a deep, angry voice.

Reid freezes and turns back around to Hotch. Reid’s face is blank, expressionless. Without warning Reid drops to his knees and starts pulling at the older man’s waistband, crying “I am sorry! Please! Let me show you I am good!”

Hotch’s eyes fill with tears and he backs up from the younger man’s grasp and gets down on the floor with Reid, “Oh no.. you are good Spencer! I don’t really understand what happened, but this is not how you apologize to someone.” Reid looked at Hotch for a minute before starting to cry. Hotch wrapped his arms around Reid and just held him as he cried.

Hotch felt a rush of anger for Gideon. _Not only did Jason leave Spencer when he needed him the most, but he also kept this trauma Spencer has a secret. He could have had the help he needed by now but instead, he just tried to give me head for yelling at him! I don’t understand how I didn’t pick up on this sooner.. Then again this is not the first time I have yelled at Spencer and he has never acted this way before.. This conditioned response might only come up during extreme stress. Jason did say he did this for the first time after Stephen died and they had known each other for years prior. Now poor Spencer has to deal with the stress of his kidnapping and Gideon leaving.._

Hotch held onto Reid on the bathroom floor before Reid started to pull away. Hotch grabbed a tissue that was within his reach and wiped Reid’s face. “I am sorry Aaron… I shouldn’t have kept using but… I don’t think I can stop. I just want to forget.. I don’t want to have to think about this stuff! I want it to go away!” Reid said, his hands were shaking, and he grabbed onto Hotch’s shirt.

“It won’t just go away.. You have to face this head-on in order to heal. You know this.. Let’s get off the floor.” Hotch said, helping Reid to the bed.

“Easier said than done.. You have no idea. My mind won’t stop! I fucking hate this eidetic memory sometimes! I close my eyes and all I can see is Tobias dying! Or Raphael murdering that woman! Or Charles hurting me which just makes me think of..” Reid said, stopping midsentence.

“Spencer, you are not going to get past this unless you confront it. Now listen.. You just tried to give me oral because I yelled at you. Why do you think that is?” Hotch asked, sitting down on the bed next to Reid. He held a judgeless and calming tone, one he used with victims on cases.

Reid wrapped his arms around himself and dug his nails into his skin roughly. “I- I- I’m sorry..”

“It is fine, really. I am just wondering what made you think you needed to do that.”

“I- I d-don’t know.. I just want to sleep now.” His arms were starting to drip with blood from his nails.

“Spencer..” Hotch carefully took Reid’s hands off of his arms and held them. “You do know. Please.. You need to be honest with me and yourself.”

Reid was silent. After a few minutes, he pulled his hands away from Hotch’s hold and he laid down on the bed, curling up into a ball. Hotch stood up and flicked the light switch back off before moving to the bathroom to clean up the mess Reid made. He knew that withdrawal symptoms had barely started, and this was a tame response to him throwing the drugs out. When he was done cleaning he went back to the bedroom, Reid hadn’t moved. “Get some sleep and come get me if you need anything”, Hotch said as he walked towards the door, but he froze when he heard Reid.

“Aaron… Could you… Never mind.” Reid whispered.

“You can ask anything, what is it?” Hotch said, moving a little closer to Reid

“I don’t… It’s just… C-could you stay with me?” Reid said nervously, moving over slightly to give Hotch room to lay down next to him.

Hotch was thrilled to hear Reid ask for him to stay but he thought about what Reid had just tried to do in the bathroom and he didn’t want to give the young man the wrong idea. “Are you sure Reid? I wouldn’t mind, I just don’t want to… trigger you.”

Reid understood what Hotch was saying, “I won’t do what I did earlier again… I am sorry. I just… I am scared to be alone right now.”

Hotch gave Reid a small smile and climbed into bed, making sure to leave plenty of room between himself and Reid. The two men laid there quietly for over ten minutes before Hotch started to fall asleep. Once Hotch started to shut his eyes he heard Reid start to speak, “He used to threaten my mom... He would say if I was bad I had to make it up to him or he would hurt her. Kill her… I was bad often… No matter how hard I tried, I always did something wrong… Intellectually, I knew it was wrong, that I wasn’t bad, and he was probably lying but.. I was a child... I couldn’t… I needed to make sure she was safe.. It went on for years, getting worse over time. Until one day he just left…”

There was a long pause. “Sometimes… something reminds me of that time and I just don’t know what to do. I think about what I used to do, to be good, and how it worked… Like… When Raphael was about to kill one of the families on the screen… I could have called Tobias back out, he cared for me. I could have made him come back… but instead, I thought about how I was bad and how I needed to make it up to Charles…”

Hotch clung to every word that Reid said, eyes open, watching the way he carefully and slowly spoke. He stayed quiet in order to let Reid get everything he needed to say out. Then he thought about what he heard Reid yell at Raphael to get him to falter back to Charles, ‘ _I need to be punished, Charles! Show me my sins so I can become right with the Lord! Don’t let me die a sinning fag!’ That’s it… Spencer doesn’t just think he has been bad, he feels like he needs to be punished. That makes sense.. That’s probably one component in his self-harm.. Damnit.. He is going to need more help than the team and I can give him…_ Hotch thought before Reid started again.

“I.. I have never told anyone about it.. Not even Step-. “ Reid paused; he never told the team about Stephen, but Morgan told him that Gideon told them all.. “I guess you all know about Stephen…” Hotch nodded gently but still didn’t speak. He could see Reid start to drift to sleep as he spoke, probably relieved just to get this off of his chest. “I’m sorry… I should have told you all about him… about everything. I- I don’t know who I am sometimes.. I don’t want to be the way I am.”

There was another long pause before Reid’s lithe body started to shake, he was crying. “I would be better off dead…” Reid said before sobbing more. Hotch was about to speak up but Reid started again. “Stephen… I… The day he died… I was supposed to be with him. I wasn’t feeling good that morning, so I stayed home but.. I wish I was there. I wish I would have died with him.” Reid said, matter-of-factly as his body was wracked with sobs.

Hotch couldn’t stay quiet anymore. He slowly moved closer to Reid, pulling him into a hug. Reid kept his arms in between their bodies, resting his hands on Hotch’s chest and letting his head lay on his upper arm. “Spencer, I am beyond thankful that you are alive. You have changed so many lives for the better, including mine.”

Reid didn’t respond, he just cried until he drifted off to sleep as Hotch held him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all like it! My head is still foggy and this pandemic is getting on my nerves.   
> Review, kudos and subscribe!


	20. Withdrawal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Mention of drugs, sexual abuse, suicide and death.

Hotch was up with the sun the next day. Reid had woken up every hour or two the night before, either with nightmares or withdrawal symptoms setting in. Hotch stayed in his bed the whole night through. He was happy that Reid never asked him to leave because he really didn’t want to leave the young man. Hotch got out of bed, took a shower and made his way to the kitchen while Reid slept. He wanted one of his normal breakfast options, such as eggs, bacon or oatmeal, but there were only leftovers from the night before and coffee. As he struggled to figure out the fancy coffee maker he heard movement in Reid’s room. As he got closer he could hear Reid gagging. _Looks like the stomach cramps and vomiting have started,_ Hotch thought to himself as he peered around the corner of the bathroom and saw Reid leaning over the bleach white toilet bowl.

“Are you okay Spencer?” Hotch asked quietly, in order to not scare him.

Hotch was not expecting the anger that came from Reid, “You! You fucking did this! Everything was just fine; the drugs weren’t hurting anyone!” Reid screamed before leaning back over the toilet and throwing up again.

Hotch wet a washcloth and brought it over to Reid, “You were hurting yourself.”

“I don’t give a fuck about myself! Please.. I need them. I have a friend that could get me some, just one phone call, just a little. Please Aaron!” Reid said, almost begging.

“No. Now, do you want a bath, or would you like to lay back down?” Hotch asked in a caring tone but Reid didn’t answer. He just got up and went to bed. He had tears in his eyes but was too angry to cry. Hotch walked over to Reid’s bed, “Did you want company, or did you want to sleep alone?” Hotch asked and again didn’t get an answer. Reid just pulled his blanket up over his shoulder, as if he was shutting Hotch out.

Hotch took that cue and went back to the kitchen, leaving Reid’s bedroom door open. He finally was able to get the coffee maker working and sat down in the living room with his cup of coffee, not forgetting the coaster this time. He needed to call and update the team, but he knew that Reid was still awake and would hear him, so once again he was forced to text.

_To: Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau, Penelope Garcia_

_From: Aaron Hotchner_

  * _I know it is everyone’s day off and it is early, but I need some assistance with Reid today._



_To: Aaron Hotchner, Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau,_

_From: Penelope Garcia_

  * _What is up Boss Man?_



_To: Aaron Hotchner, Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau, Penelope Garcia_

_From: Derek Morgan_

  * _He isn’t just your responsibility Hotch, we will all help. What does Pretty Boy need?_



Hotch thought for a moment about what all he should tell his team before sending multiple messages.

_To: Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau, Penelope Garcia_

_From: Aaron Hotchner_

  * _Last night Gideon told me he was leaving the Bureau all together, Morgan I need you to come by Reid’s apartment, get Gideon’s spare cabin key and go check his cabin._



  * _Garcia, could you please go by the store and get us some groceries. Reid doesn’t have anything but coffee and a bag of brown rice that was here when he moved in. I will pay you back._



  * _In full discloser, Reid was secretly using Dilaudid this whole time, but I found and dumped it last night. He is going through withdrawal right now and struggling. Also, without giving details, he did confirm that what Gideon said on the plane, about his father, was true. With his kidnapping, Gideon leaving, past trauma and drug withdrawal, he is not doing well. I believe he is a danger to himself so I cannot leave him to do these things._



_To: Aaron Hotchner, Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau,_

_From: Penelope Garcia_

  * _Oh my God, my baby boy. Of course, we will help! I will head to the store in a few minutes, expect me in an hour or so._



_To: Aaron Hotchner, Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau, Penelope Garcia_

_From: Derek Morgan_

  * _What the hell? Gideon left?_



_To: Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau, Penelope Garcia_

_From: Aaron Hotchner_

  * _It seems that way. What time will you be here?_



_To: Aaron Hotchner, Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau, Penelope Garcia_

_From: Derek Morgan_

  * _10 minutes. See you soon._



Hotch put his phone to charge and went to check on Reid, he was asleep but covered in sweat. He was rolling around and looked miserable. He wasn’t sure if the young genius was having a nightmare or was just suffering from withdrawal. Hotch went through Reid’s drawers, pulling him out a new outfit and placed it in the bathroom for when he wanted to get up and shower. He then gathered the dirty clothes, including his own, and headed to the laundry room. When he opened the cabinet to retrieve the laundry soap, he was met with a picture of perfection. The laundry supplies were organized and labeled. Every spot had a purpose. Hotch couldn’t help but smile at the genius’s quirks.

 _There are so many people that make fun of Spencer for his strange ways of doing things, but I think they are just great.. I love the weird things he does and knows. Like the way, he moves his hands when he talks or how he moves his lips ever so slightly when he is deep in thought, or even how if someone moves something on his desk he has to move it back to the exact right position. I am surprised his desk isn’t labeled._ Hotch thought before he heard a light knock on the door. He started the washer and went to answer it. “Hey, Morgan. Thanks for coming.” Hotch said as he answered the door.

“No problem Hotch. We are all happy to help. Emily and JJ texted a minute ago if you didn’t see it. They just asked if there was anything they could do.” Morgan said, stepping into the apartment, taking the whole room in as he does on cases.

Hotch noticed, “Remember not to profile Reid. But I didn’t see the messages yet. I will have to wait to see if he wants them to visit today or not. The only time we have spoken today was when he was screaming at me between vomiting. Coffee?”

Morgan nods and walks into the kitchen, opening up the cabinets he says, “Wow.. You were right. He has no food. Do you think he can’t afford any?”

“No, I mean, look at this coffee maker, this had to be at least $200,” Hotch said with a smile. “I asked him, and he said he just doesn’t think about eating or buying food. That he buys takeout when he is home.

Morgan looks at the spotless oven, peeking inside, “Well is oven looks brand new. I doubt he has ever cooked here.” Morgan said as he made himself a cup of coffee. He laughed when he read the mug he picked out said “World’s Best Genius”, it was a gift Garcia got him for his 24th birthday.

Hotch looks over, “Don’t be so sure, Reid keeps this place pretty spotless.”

“How is he?” Morgan asked as they went back into the living room. Before Hotch could answer there was a crash sound from Reid’s bathroom. Both men quickly went to the bathroom door. Reid was on the bathroom floor; a glass Aspirin bottle was shattered on the floor and blood could be seen pooling up on Reid’s legs. The stench of vomit was powerful, and Reid’s lithe body was shaking.

“Spencer.. What happened?” Hotch asked, not entering the bathroom yet.

“The fucking bottle! I couldn’t open it because of my damn hands, and I tried harder, got dizzy, dropped the bottle and landed on the glass. Shit! I am so fucking pathetic!” Reid yelled, flaring his hands around as he spoke.

Morgan was shocked at the sight of his broken best friend, sitting in glass, with vomit on his shirt and cussing, which is something Reid never does. Hotch wasn’t fazed. He calmly walked over, careful to step over the glass, and helped Reid stand, closing the toilet seat lid and letting Reid sit on it. “We need to get you cleaned up, Morgan can you get a _plastic_ cup of water?” Reid looked up when he heard Hotch say ‘Morgan’. He didn’t know he was there. Suddenly he welled with embarrassment and tears found their way to his cheeks, rolling down to the vomit on his shirt. He was mortified but didn’t stop Hotch from helping him as he cried.

Hotch turned on the large bathtub, pulling the stopper closed. “Let’s get you into the bath, I am going to help you out of your shirt now.” Hotch carefully pulled Reid’s shirt off when there was no argument. “Step out of your pants please so I can look at the cuts on your legs,” Hotch said and Reid did as he was told without pause, sitting back on the toilet lid.

Morgan walked in as Reid was sitting back down. He almost cried at the sight in front of him. Reid sat in his boxers, openly sobbing, blood on his legs, bruises still brightly shown on his body, and he could see the dull red of the marks on Reid’s back, wrists and torso wound. He noticed that Reid’s slim body was shaking and a little too slim. Visible ribs jutted out of the smaller man, his collarbone was prominent, and he could see a shoulder blade coming out of his back further than it should. Morgan looked down at the kid’s thighs, as Hotch checked the cuts on his legs, they were smaller than he expected too, then he noticed the light pink and white marks coating over Reid’s upper thighs. Crisscrossing lines that were scarred over, ranging in states of healing. Some looked quite old and some had to have happened since he started at the FBI. Morgan sighed and got a different bottle of pain reliever out of the cabinet, retrieving two pills and handing them over to Reid.

Reid silently took the medicine before Hotch asked Morgan to get some towels from the laundry room. When Morgan returned Hotch already had Reid in the bathtub. He was surprised at the lack of refusal Reid was giving Hotch. He stepped into the bedroom as Hotch washed Reid’s hair. A few minutes later Hotch joined him, overhearing Hotch tell Reid that he would give him privacy to finish washing up. Morgan and Hotch both sat on the edge of Reid’s bed in uncomfortable silence before Morgan spoke up.

“Are you doing okay, man? This must be hard for you, seeing him like this I mean.” Morgan asked

“No.. Really.. I am fine. I am glad he is letting me try and take care of him. I just want to see him happy.” Hotch said before realizing what could be inferred from that, so he changed the subject. “It has been about 13 hours since he last used, and symptoms of withdrawal peak around 14 hours of quitting and last up to three to four days before dying back down,” Hotch said before looking back up at the bathroom door. He noticed it got quiet in the bathroom, he looked at Morgan and knew that he noticed it too. They jumped up and went into the bathroom.

Reid was completely under the water, not moving, Hotch stuck his hands in the water and pulled Reid up, and onto the floor. Morgan draped a towel over him for his modestly as Hotch started to shake him. He didn’t move. Hotch started mouth to mouth. After the third time, Reid jerked and started coughing up water, “Fuck! Finally!” Hotch yelled, pulling Reid into a hug and Morgan let go of the breath he didn’t know he was holding and rubbed his hands over his shaved head.

“Oh my God! Are you okay junior G-man?” Morgan jumped; Garcia was standing in the bathroom doorway right behind them. Hotch was paying too much attention to Reid to notice. “Oh. Sorry, I knocked but no one answered but the door was unlocked so I just came in. What happened?” Garcia asked, looking down at Reid, who was barely moving.

“I don’t know. He was taking a bath and Hotch and I was in the other room. We rushed in when it got too quiet” Morgan said, handing Hotch another towel.

Reid coughed a few times before choking out, “Passed out.. Got dizzy… Happened too fast”. He said, trying to get his air back. Reid looked over at Hotch, who was still somewhat holding him. The older man was crying. “Aaron?... I am okay. I am sorry.” Reid said, letting himself lean against Hotch a little more.

“You are sorry? Why? I am the one that put you in the tub and left. I should have known you would be dizzy from barely eating and drinking and vomiting so much.” Hotch said, trying to control his sobs and hiding his face on the top of Reid’s wet hair. “I almost lost you once… I am not going to do it again.”

Reid placed his hand on Hotch’s chest, causing him to take his face off Reid’s head and look the man in the eyes. Reid reached a shaking hand up to Hotch’s cheek and wiped his tear. “Thank you, Aaron.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is the longest I have gone without updating. My apologizes, my mother in law, father in law and brother in law all have been diagnosed with COVID-19, as well as a good friend of mine. It's getting stressful, I hope everyone is staying safe. I plan on updating again within the next day or so.  
> Kudos, Subscribe and Comment, please!  
> Ohh but I passed 40k in words! I am happy about that.


	21. Letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Graphic depiction of self-harm. Mention of drug use, sexual abuse, aftermath of torture, and possibly eating disorder.

Garcia spent the day with Reid and Hotch while Morgan went to the cabin with JJ and Emily. He insisted that they didn’t have to come but they wanted to feel like they were helping too. Reid’s mood grew worse by the minute. He would switch from calm to angry in the blink of an eye. Hotch knew that this was just another withdrawal symptom, and he informed Garcia, but it was still hard to deal with.

Garcia bought a range of foods for Hotch and Reid, from premade meals to high-calorie meal replacement shakes. Everything she bought had Reid’s best interest in mind. She even picked up Hotch’s favorite coffee creamer and snack mix. Garcia fixed them something to eat but Reid refused. He drank his water and some of a meal replacement shake before rushing to the toilet to vomit again and falling asleep.

Hotch took advantage of Reid’s slumber to step outside and make some phone calls while Garcia watched over the young doctor. The first person Hotch called was Dr. Aarzoo from the hospital in Georgia. He remembered her saying she could prescribe something to help his withdrawal. She could only speak with him for a moment before she had to go attend to an emergency. Hotch was grateful as she didn’t have time to question why he wasn’t having symptoms until now. She said she would call in a three day supply of Buprenorphine and Clonidine just to last him until he sees a doctor here.

Hotch then the doctor’s office that he knew Reid went too, as he made him make a follow up there after the L.D.S.K. case and again after the Fisher King case. The appointment was for tomorrow morning. He debated about calling Dr. Harris, the psychologist from the hospital, for a recommendation to a psychologist in the D.C. area but he wasn’t sure he liked her. She had an off-brand approach to working with Reid that was frankly upsetting to watch but that might be necessary for someone as skilled as Reid is in psychology.

He went ahead and called Dr. Harris. Again the phone call was short. She informed him that she would set an appointment up for the day after tomorrow at a place nearby and would email him the details by the end of the day. Hotch was about to go inside when he heard a familiar voice coming from the stairs. It was Morgan, followed by JJ and Prentiss. As they walked to Reid’s door, Hotch could see that Morgan was holding a few letters and an FBI badge. He also had an extra gun on his belt.

“So.. He was telling the truth.” Hotch said looking at Morgan.

“It would seem that way, man. His clothes, car, and toiletries were gone. And he left these.” Morgan said, handing Hotch two letters and Gideon’s badge. One of the letters was open, addressed to “BAU Team” and the other letter was still in its envelope and had “Spencer” written on it. Hotch read the open letter, it was a letter of resignation. Stating how he was no longer a member of the BAU, or FBI and he will no longer guest lecture.

“Damn.. well there isn’t much we can do about this. JJ, I need you to give this letter and Gideon’s badge and gun to Strauss tomorrow morning.” Hotch said and JJ just nodded, “She will most likely try and fill his place immediately in order to have someone in place by the time we return.” Hotch hands JJ the letter and badge before looking at the closed envelope. “Did you guys read this?”

“No, sir,” Emily said.

Hotch sighed, “There is no telling what he wrote.. I won’t keep this from him though. Let’s go inside. Ohh.” Hotch paused with his hand on the door, “Reid is in the middle of withdrawals, his behavior is irritable and quickly fluctuates. Do not take anything he does or says personally. He is just struggling.” Hotch said before opening the door.

The four agents walked into the apartment and could smell food cooking. Garcia was busy making dinner. She heard the door open and yelled, “Spencer? That you?” She peeked around the corner of the kitchen door, “Oh! Hey guys! Are you three staying for dinner? I am making plenty.” Garcia said with a smile.

“Smells great! What did you make Baby Girl?” Morgan said, sitting on the couch.

“Chicken and rice soup, mostly for our baby boy. I read it was easy on the stomach. Then I am also making Chicken Alfredo with broccoli, enough for all of us. I know it is one of Boss Man’s favorites.” Garcia said, going back to the kitchen.

Hotch turns to Reid’s room, the door was cracked. Reid was laying in a ball in the middle of his large bed, only in his boxers and covered in sweat. The blankets had been kicked to the floor and the clothes he was wearing were thrown at his closet door. Hotch was surprised he was able to get his shirt off himself. He stepped back out of the room, leaving the door open. “Garcia, when did Reid strip?” He said with a slight smile.

“Oh, I heard him flaring around a few minutes ago and I walked into him stuck in his shirt. He said he felt like he was on fire. I don’t think he is actually sleeping.” Garcia said right before Reid came walking out of his room, still only in boxers.

“No. I wasn’t asleep.” Reid said, sitting down cross-legged in one of the wingback chairs, making sure his back didn’t touch the back of the chair. He reaches over to the bookcase next to him and picks up a book at random, _Commentarii de Bello Gallico by Julius Caesar_ in the original Latin _,_ and starts to read it.

Emily and JJ are taken aback by Reid’s marred body and his lack of modesty in front of the team. He had never willingly been shirtless around the team; he didn’t even wear shorts, so this behavior was strange. JJ walks up slowly, “Hey Spence, can I get you a robe or blanket or something?” she asks, thoughtfully.

“No. Is there a problem?” Reid snaps back at her, without looking up from his book.

“No it’s just- .” JJ starts before Reid cuts her back off

“Then what does it matter! If someone wants me undressed then they can just force me so what’s the point in even trying! Fuck modesty. I have nothing left to hide..” Reid said loudly, his words were sharp.

JJ was shocked at what he said, the whole room was. The honest emotion in his words stung. JJ made a hurt face, tears welled in her eyes. Reid, who had stolen a peek at her, noticed. “I am sorry, JJ. I just- I am hot and sweaty. The sweat is burning my back and my shirt was making it worse. Sorry if my body is upsetting..” Reid said, his voice thick with sadness.

JJ smiles back at Reid but doesn’t say anything. She is upset with his body, but she would never admit that. She knows that Reid can’t control the way his abused body looks, and it isn’t fair for her to be upset.

Hotch brings Reid a Gatorade with a straw and places it on the small table between the two wingback chairs. Reid takes a little sip and gives Hotch a small smile before turning back to his book. He is shaking and keeps holding his stomach as if he was in pain but no one says anything about it. The team makes some light-hearted small talk before Garcia announces that she finished dinner. The team moves around, grabbing plates, cups, coasters, and a seat. Reid’s apartment is small but between the large couch, two wingback chairs and two small seats at the chessboard, there are enough seats for everyone.

After everyone gets a plate and sits down, Hotch makes Reid a small bowl of chicken and rice soup and a meal replacement shake. He places them both on the small table before sitting in the chair next to him and starting to eat. A few minutes go by and Reid still hasn’t picked up his food.

“Reid, you need to eat. Garcia made soup just for you.” Hotch said, giving Reid a stern look.

“Thanks Garcia.. but I am not hungry.” Reid says as he turns the page of his book. He is reading much slower than normal, even for a book in a different language.

“You are most welcome Boy Wonder, but can you try it? Maybe drink your shake instead?” Garcia asks

Reid ignored the team’s pleas to get him to eat. He blocked them out completely, trying to focus on the poetic verses written in Latin. He didn’t even notice Hotch ask Emily to go get Reid’s medication from the pharmacy up the road or Garcia take his bowl, commenting on how she would save it for later or how everyone had finished eating and had cleaned up. All he knew was that his stomach was cramping horribly, he was sweating and agitated and that his body hurt, bad. He desperately wanted drugs. Dilaudid, Morphine, Heroin, he didn’t care. He wanted to feel the prick as the needle when into his skin, feel the rush that came the second the drugs were pushed in, feel the euphoric relief as his mind soared and he could finally breathe again. The more he thought about wanting drugs, the more he felt the effects of withdrawal. He started to itch, scratching his chest and neck roughly. His skin was crawling and felt like it was coming alive as he tried to stop his body from shaking and his eyes started to get blurry. He swelled with anger and let out a grunt as he threw the book across the room.

Emily had opened the door back upright as the book flew across the room. It hit the wall next to the door and she gasped, “Oh my God, that scared me!” She said, putting her hand on her chest, the other one was holding a small bag that she handed to Hotch.

“Everything okay, Pretty Boy?” Morgan asked, not expecting a response, given the fact he had been ignoring everyone. Reid looked up at Morgan, his face looked surprised, as if he didn’t know the team was still there. His shaking got worse, so he pulled himself into a ball in the chair, holding onto himself tightly.

Hotch came over with the bag from the pharmacy. He kneeled next to Reid, “Hey, Spencer. I called Dr. Aarzoo and she called in Buprenorphine and Clonidine for you, enough for a few days. I need you to take them.” Hotch said, softly.

“No. I am fine.” Reid said, still angry.

“I know you are fine, and you can do without help but you are going through enough. Buprenorphine will reduce your cravings and withdrawal by providing similar effects to Dilaudid and Clonidine will also reduce your withdrawal symptoms by lowering your anxiety, stress, and hypertension.” Hotch said, pulling the pills out and putting his hand out towards Reid. “Please, let me help you.”

Reid didn’t understand why Hotch made him feel so calm. He was large, stern and powerful but he wasn’t scared of the older man. It was the opposite. He wanted Hotch to be close to him, to help him, to comfort him. He didn’t mind his touch either. Reid found himself longing for the older man to be near him, to hold him. He gave in and took the pills, drinking them down with some sips of his shake.

Emily grabbed Reid’s book and handed it back to him with a smile. He took it, opened it back up and tried to read again as the rest of the team talked. After a few minutes, Reid was starting to drift off in his chair, so the team decided to go home. Reid jumped awake with a scream when Morgan accidentally hit the coffee table, “Sorry, Kid.. We are heading home, okay? We will come back tomorrow if you want.”

Reid watched as they gathered their stuff to leave. He noticed Morgan hand a badge and letter to JJ. “What is that?” He said. JJ and Morgan looked at each other and then to Hotch.

“I was going to tell you later.. Morgan, JJ and Prentiss went out to Gideon’s cabin and he wasn’t there. He packed up and left his gun, badge, and letter of resignation. He also..” Hotch said, pulling a folded envelope from his back pocket, “Left a letter for you.” Hotch walked over and handed it to Reid. He took the letter and let his fingers dance over the cursive letters of his name that was written on the front.

He opened the sealed envelope and stared at the papers for several minutes before reaching back into the envelope and pulling out several photos. The team just stood around and watched Reid’s face. It flashed between different emotions, finally landing on anger. He pulled the letter back up in front of his face and started to read out loud, “Spencer, you must be frightened, I apologize for that. I never meant to cause you any pain. But then I also never envisioned writing this letter. I’ve searched for a satisfactory explanation for what I’m doing, all I’ve come up with is: a profiler needs to have solid footing. I don’t think I do anymore. The world confuses me. The cruelty, indifference, tragedy. You know this well. After Stephen died – “. Reid stops reading suddenly, his eyes are clouded by tears.

He threw the letter down on the coffee table and threw the pictures on top of it, putting his head in his hands. The team moves slightly closer to see what the pictures were, without picking them up. There were three pictures. The first one was of Reid and Gideon; Reid had his hand on the older man’s shoulder and Gideons was at Reid’s waist. They were smiling brightly. Reid was wearing a Cal-Tech t-shirt and fashionable faded jeans. His face was younger, rounder and his hair was shorter than it is now. Clean, styled and professionally cut, unlike the mop of untamed chestnut waves that are roughly tucked behind his ears that he wears on his head now. He genuinely looked happy. The next picture was similar. This time Reid was wearing a band t-shirt and had his arm around another young man.

Hotch recognized him from a photo in Gideon’s office, _Stephen_. He was slightly taller than Reid, wearing a well-fitting Henley style shirt and a stylish jacket. He was lean but broader than Reid. He had dark brown hair, similar to Gideon’s before his hair started to turn grey. They both looked very happy and comfortable with each other. The last photo was Reid and Stephen again, but this photo wasn’t staged. It was captured at a moment the two men weren’t aware of. Stephen had his hand gently placed behind Reid’s head and the other hand was at the younger man’s waist. He was kissing Reid, but the photo didn’t look sexual. It was full of love, similar to a wedding photo of the happy couple kissing.

Hotch felt a ping of jealousy in his chest but quickly pushed it away. He wasn’t jealous of Reid having been with Stephen, he was just jealous that Stephen was able to express his love for Spencer when he wasn’t able too.

Suddenly Reid jumped up from his seat and rushed to his room, slamming the door behind him. The team froze, unsure what to do. Morgan was still eyeing the photos, “Is that Stephen?” He asked, leaning closer to the pictures. Hotch nodded before Morgan started again, “I have never seen Reid look so.. happy.. He even looks a healthy weight.” Hotch opened his mouth to say something but was cut off by a loud slam sound, followed by what sounded like shattered glass. Hotch rushed into the bedroom first, opening the door without knocking.

The first thing they saw was a shattered picture frame against the wall by his closet. Reid was on the other side of the room looking at his shelf for a moment before finding what he was looking for and throwing it against the wall where he threw the picture frame. It was some sort of porcelain antique that shattered when it hit the wall, sending shatters all over his hardwood floor.

Once the item hit the wall Reid erupted in anger, “THAT GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKING PUSSY!!” JJ and Garcia took a step back, leaving them just outside of the room. They were surprisingly scared by the young genius. “How fucking dare he leave me a LETTER! He fucking knew! My father did the same damn thing and he knew! Then to put pictures of me and Stephen in there, like a God Damned photo collage!” Reid grabbed something else off his shelf, a large book, and threw it at the wall. Loose-leaf paper rained out of the pages, clearly the book was something he was storing old letters in.

Reid broke down, sobbing and gasping for air, still standing in the corner of his room in only his boxers. Reid tried to yell between sobs, “I – He – Fucking told me to move on – Like – He was just going to – move on without me! He is – no better – than my father! Leaving me – when we – I needed him the most…” Reid fell to his knees, wrapping his arms around himself. Hotch wanted to go comfort him but he knew Reid needed to finish what he was saying first. He needed to get it out. “Fucking selfish – at least – my father was – helping when he left – I didn’t have to – _be good for him_ – anymore.. I knew – she was safe.” Reid openly sobbed for a minute; everyone was thinking about what he said. They all knew what Reid was talking about and it broke their hearts. “Gideon is just being – a fucking pussy!” Reid yelled before shutting his eyes and digging his nails roughly down his arms, causing long scrapes that started to bleed.

Hotch couldn’t allow him to harm himself again so he walked up to Reid, kneeling down on the floor next to him saying, “Spencer, you need to calm down”. Reid didn’t hear him. _I need my mind to stop.. I need something, anything. Drugs, can’t get drugs… Pain, pain… Blood… cutting. Yes. That will help. The euphoric feeling of slashing my skin... It always clears my head, grounding me to pain. I need it!_ Reid thought to himself.

When Reid didn’t move, Morgan walked closer, “Kid? Are you with us?”. Reid didn’t hear Morgan; he was swimming in his own thoughts. He lifted his hands back up to the top of his arms and dragged his nails back down his arms, trying to cause as much damage as possible. _It’s not working, it’s not enough. I need more. I need to calm down.. I need to remember what he told me.. Good boys don’t cry, good boys don’t cry.. “_ Good boys don’t cry… Good boys don’t cry” Reid started to say out loud in a whisper. He didn’t even realize he was saying it as he dragged his nails down his arms for a third time.

“Hotch, man…” Morgan said, when he heard what Reid was repeating. He knew the mantra of a sexual predator well, having been told one himself, ‘ _look up to the sky’._

Hotch couldn’t take it anymore, his words weren’t getting through so he would have to force Reid to stop. He grabbed both of Reid’s hands, careful to avoid is injured wrists, pulling them towards himself. Reid still had his eyes closed and started to panic. “NO! I will be good! I promise! I didn’t sin! I am so sorry!” Reid begged before Hotch pulled him into a hug. Holding the smaller man tightly as he flared around, finally opening his eyes and relaxing. His sobs slowed down and he started to get his air back.

JJ and Garcia had retreated to the living room. Emily had backed out slightly, moving herself to the doorway. She had her hand over her mouth and tears in her eyes. Morgan even looked like he was about to cry. Hotch held Reid for several minutes as the team moved around cleaning up the broken glass, porcelain, and paper. Garcia took the pictures and letter and placed them back into the envelope, closing it and placing it on the back of his desk.

Hotch sat on the floor, holding Reid until he realized he had fallen asleep. He couldn’t lift him to the bed at the angle he was in so he whisper-yelled for Morgan. Morgan helped place Reid on the bed and Hotch tucked him and they all went to the living room.

The team looked defeated. They were just ran through an emotional ringer and no one really knew what to say. Garcia started, “I am happy to stay and help if you need.”

“Thank you but no. I am hoping he just rests. That medication should help him sleep as well.” Hotch said

“Hotch, he needs professional help… he is dealing with too much right now.” Morgan said

“I know Morgan, I set him up an appointment with his PCP tomorrow and a psychologist the day after that. Now you all head home, it’s late. Leave your phones on, I will call you if needed.” Hotch said as the team shuffled out the door. Hotch changed into his pajamas and started to set the couch up to sleep. Before he was done he felt the need to go check on Reid. He was in the same spot he left him in on his bed. His hair was circled around him on the pillow, he looked absolutely angelic. Hotch forwent the couch set up and climbed into bed with Reid. He hoped the young man didn’t mind but he wanted to be close to him, protect him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you all think. Comment, Kudos and Subscribe!


	22. Doctor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Aftermath of torture, and rape. Mention of eating disorder and drugs.

The next afternoon Hotch and Reid were on their way to Reid’s doctor’s appointment. They were both exhausted. The night had brought nothing but more nightmares, anger and withdrawal symptoms. Hotch noticed an improvement in the severity of Reid’s symptoms from the medicine but they were still there. Hotch spent the night in bed with Reid, trying to calm the young man down as he begged for drugs, for relief. The morning came too fast. Reid still didn’t want to eat but took his medicine without complaint. He hadn’t spoken all morning, as if he was too tired to interact. Hotch had expected a meltdown when he told Reid that he had a doctor’s appointment but instead he just rolled his eyes and nodded. He probably already knew.

Hotch tried to get Reid to eat again at lunch but he would only drink some of his meal replacement shake and took his afternoon dose of medicine. He helped Reid take a shower, too scared to place him in the bath again, and got him dressed. Reid was trembling and seemed more sensitive to everything. He never did well with physical touch, bright lights or loud noises but this was worse. He was avoiding eye contact as well. It was starting to worry Hotch. On the drive to the doctor’s office, Hotch watched Reid. He put on a pair of sunglasses from his bag and pulled into himself, knees to his chest. Hotch didn’t understand how Reid’s tall figure could ball up on the small seat like he was. He was holding a travel coffee mug, taking very small sips from it. His shaking had died down some, but he was slightly rocking himself in the seat.

“Spencer? Are you mad at me? You need to talk.” Hotch said before turning on the radio. Reid didn’t say anything, but he could see his face tighten at the sound of the radio as if it was drilling holes in his head. Reid reached over and turned it off. “You don’t want to listen to the radio? I can set it to that classical station that you like.” Hotch asked but Reid still didn’t answer. He watched out of the corner of his eye as Reid opened his mouth as if he was going to speak but nothing came out. He just hugged himself tighter.

When they pulled up to the doctor’s office, Reid went right inside and sat down without checking in. Hotch went ahead and checked in for him before sitting next to the young man. He was shaking again, holding his stomach.

The nurse came out a few minutes later, “Spencer!” she called from the doorway.

Reid got up but Hotch didn’t, “Do you want me to come with you Spencer?” Hotch asked. Reid still didn’t speak. Instead, he looked at Hotch for a moment before reaching his hand out and gently grabbing Hotch’s hand, tugging slightly. He couldn’t help but think how childlike this behavior was. It was not typical of Reid at all. Either way, he found it adorable and gladly followed Reid while holding his hand.

“My name is Carol. I will be getting your pre-check done. Now let me get your height, back against here.” The nurse said, gesturing to the nurse’s station wall. “Let’s see, 6’ 1’’. Tall one. Now step on the scale.” Reid follows what the nurse says, despite looking terrified of her being so close. “133 lbs. Underweight my dear.. Room four, this way.” The nurse said, walking toward the end of the hall. “Go ahead and have a seat up there.” Reid slowly sat up on the examination table, eyeing the room. Hotch stood next to him, in between the wall and exam table. The nurse walked out and came right back with a nurse’s cart. She opened the laptop on top of the cart and started to type. “Can you verify your date of birth?” The nurse asked and looked up at Reid when he didn’t speak.

Hotch sighed, “He hasn’t spoken since this morning when he first woke up.. I am not sure why.” Hotch said, looking at Reid. He was holding his bag tightly on to his lap, unlatching and latching his bag repeatedly. Hotch has seen Reid do this before when he is overwhelmed or there was a stressful case.

The nurse made a “Hmm..” sound and started to type again. “Sir, can you answer some of these questions then?”

Hotch looked at Reid and back at the nurse, he was still wearing his sunglasses so it was hard to read what the young doctor wanted, “I can try. As long as it is okay with Spencer.” Reid didn’t look upset, so they took it as permission.

“Alright then. Can you verify his date of birth?” Carol asked.

“October 28, 1981” Hotch answered.

“Good. Any change of medication? I have Prozac and Periactin listed from when he came earlier this year, but I don’t see where he got a refill.”

Hotch looked at Reid. _Of course he was prescribed medication and never took it. I believe that is an anti-depressant and an appetite stimulant. He probably just agreed to take them to get a clean bill of health for the FBI paperwork._ Hotch thought before answering, “I do not think he takes those medicines anymore. At least he has not in the past two weeks. He was prescribed Buprenorphine and Clonidine for his Dilaudid withdrawal and started both yesterday. I gave details about Dr. Reid’s current condition to the intake nurse when I called yesterday.” Hotch said, not wanting to describe what Reid had gone through in the past few weeks again.

“Yes. I have those notes.” The nurse said turning to look at Reid, “You are very strong Spencer. Thank you for the work you do.” She said and Reid gave a shy smile. Hotch was just glad to see Spencer react to something someone said. “Past medical history the same? I have him down as being diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression and Anorexia.”

 _Wow.. I didn’t know he was formally diagnosed with autism or OCD. I wonder if Gideon knew and told him to keep it a secret from the Bureau._ Hotch thought before looking at Reid. At that last diagnosis Reid grew visibly angry, taking his fist and hitting himself in the thigh.

“Reid? Do you not agree with that?” Hotch asked Reid, leaning closer to him. Reid was struggling. He wanted to talk but it was as if he couldn’t. “I don’t think he agrees with the Anorexic diagnosis,” Hotch said and Reid nodded. “When was it put into his file?” Hotch asked Carol.

“Let’s see.. almost two years ago when he came in for the first time for a follow up for an FBI case. The doctor noted that he was just slightly underweight, and he didn’t seem to want to fix it, so she placed him on an appetite stimulant. But when he came in earlier this year for another follow-up, he had grown an inch but weighed less. The doctor placed the official diagnosis in his file then and prescribed the appetite stimulant again. Spencer, I can’t remove the diagnosis, but I will place a note stating you don’t agree, okay?” Carol said, trying to move on.

Reid lightly shook his head and relaxed some. Carol then asked a few more questions about any past surgeries, family history and allergies before taking the blood pressure cuff off the cart and coming over to Reid. “Arm out, rest it here.” Carol said and Reid did as he was told, flinching hard when the cuff went around his arm and again when she turned the machine on. The cuff started to tighten up around Reid’s upper arm and Reid looked like he was going to pass out. Suddenly he ripped the Velcro-fastened cuff off, jumped off the table and threw up in the trash can. The smell of coffee and bile filled the room. “Oh honey, it’s okay. I will go ahead and get the doctor.” Carol said before wheeling her cart out the room and shutting the door.

Hotch walked up the Reid at the trash can, fitting the urge the rub his back, “It’s okay, you are doing really good..” Hotch said while getting a tissue and handing it to Reid. Reid wiped his face and took his sunglasses off for a moment, flinching at the lights in the room. “Are the lights too bright?” Hotch asked and Reid nodded slightly. He put his sunglasses back on and sat back on the exam table. Hotch thought for a moment, _he has been able to shake his head yes or no a few times, but he won’t talk.._ “Spencer, does your throat hurt?” Reid started to open and close the buckle on his bag again and shook his head no.

Before Hotch could ask Reid another question there was a knock on the door and it opened, “Hello Dr. Reid, oh.. and Dr. Reid’s friend. My name is Dr. Brewer.” She said with a wide grin. She was a full-figured woman with black hair and several streaks of blue running through it. She wore pointed blue glasses and eccentric makeup and jewelry.

Hotch had to hold in a laugh, _this woman seems just like Garcia._ Hotch thought before reaching his hand out and shaking the doctor’s hand, “Aaron Hotchner. I am Spencer’s Unit Chief and friend.”

“Ohhh this is the big bad boss man that always makes you come and get checkups!” Dr. Brewer said to Reid with a laugh. _Yep.. just like Garcia_ Hotch thought to himself. “Don’t worry Spencer. I heard about your not talking situation. I am sure you must have figured out what is happening by now, right?” Reid’s brow furrowed under his sunglasses. He had an idea but didn’t understand it fully. “Okay okay. I will give you a hint, you started taking Buprenorphine, an opioid partial agonist. And as you probably know, an antagonist is a drug that blocks opioids by attaching to the opioid receptors without activating them. Now, I am sure you have heard of opioid excess theory.” The doctor said and Reid’s face looked as if he understood.

Hotch was lost, “What does that mean?”

“So you know Dr. Reid is autistic, right?” the doctor said

“I always had a feeling he had Asperger’s, but I didn’t know he was actually diagnosed with autism,” Hotch said

“Well first, Asperger’s is no longer diagnosed. The newest DSM made autism spectrum disorder the umbrella diagnosis for Asperger Syndrome, Childhood Disintegrative Disorder and PDD-NOS. Anyway.. in short, opioid excess theory hypothesizes that differences with an autistic person’s opioid receptors can cause changes in their autistic behaviors. While Dilaudid fully immersed Spencer’s opioid receptors, Buprenorphine only partially interacts with his receptors, causing a rise in the severity of his autistic behaviors. Like his inability to handle sensory input and being non-verbal.” Dr. Brewer said before walking to the sink and washing her hands.

“So… the medication is making his autism worse? Why can’t he talk though? Will it go away?” Hotch asked, confused.

Dr. Brewer sighed, “You need to learn more about autism, Mr. Hotchner. Autism is characterized by difficulties with social interaction and communication. It is based on input and output. He can still talk; his body is just not letting him force that output right now. He is overwhelmed by all of the input he is receiving as well. This doesn’t mean that he will not talk on this medicine, it is just harder for him. If he were to stop the Buprenorphine then he would go back to how he typically processed things. Dr. Reid, have you gone non-verbal before?”

Reid looked up and shook his head yes.

“Do you want to stop the Buprenorphine? Your withdrawal symptoms will be worse again, but you wouldn’t be so sensitive to your surroundings. This must be annoying for you.” Dr. Brewer asked, putting on gloves and walking up to Reid.

Reid looked at Hotch, unsure of what to do. “Spencer, it is up to you. I will help you either way.” Hotch said, placing his hand on Reid’s thigh.

 _Damnit! If it is not one thing, it is another. I can’t get my body to do what I need too.. Everything is just too much. I guess it is better than the muscle and bone pain, restlessness, body cramps, sweats, shaking… I have even thrown up less and I am not as agitated.._ Reid thought before looking at Dr. Brewer and lightly shaking his head no.

“Alright. Good choice. You will only need to be on Buprenorphine for a few more days and you should start to lighten each dose. The worse of your withdrawal is over with by day three or four. After that, it is just lingering symptoms of insomnia, depression, anxiety and irritability, oh and cravings. Now, I need to look you over. I read about what happened and I am not going to examine or touch anywhere I do not have too. That being said, as long as there is no pain present I do not have to check the stitches on your backside. Are you hurting anywhere?” the doctor asked.

Reid looked like he was thinking for a moment before taking his hand and putting it over his stomach then moved it to his back.

“Stomach and back? Well let’s take a look” the doctor said before moving behind Reid and lifting the back of his shirt up. Reid jumped and grabbed Hotch’s hand that was still resting on Reid’s thigh. After a moment the doctor said, “Alright, lay back for me.” Reid laid back on the table, not losing his grip on Hotch’s hand.

Hotch watched as the doctor looked over Reid’s thin, scarred stomach before moving to his face and looking at his eyes, nose, ears, and throat. Reid held Hotch’s hand the whole time. _How pathetic.. just Spencer holding my hand has by heart pounding and my stomach full of butterflies. I never want him to let go.._ Hotch thought, completely zoning out while looking at Reid.

Dr. Brewer talking to Reid snapped Hotch back to reality, “You look well despite what you endured and are currently going through. I do not see any signs of infection or reason to be worried. Your stitches are dissolving on your stomach already as well. Now I am going to extend your prescription for Clonidine one month. In one month you shouldn’t still need it. You should finish the Buprenorphine you already have, and you will not need more. I am also going to rewrite you the prescription for Prozac and Periactin that I know you never took but you still need.”

Reid made a small grunt noise. “Don’t be mad at me for giving you the medication that you need. Also, Carol said you aren’t happy with your Anorexia diagnosis. We will talk about it next time you come in, but might I remind you the definition of Anorexia Nervosa, ‘an eating disorder characterized by a low body weight, fear of gaining weight and refusal to understand they are underweight. To prevent weight gain or to continue losing weight, people with anorexia usually severely restrict the amount of food they eat by skipping meals, eating little at a time or lying about being hungry.’ You might not agree with the diagnosis, but you know you fit the terms. Also, you have lost even more weight since you were here last. You need to gain about 17lbs to be in the healthy weight category for your height.” Dr. Brewer said before making some notes on her tablet. “You are all set, ideally I would like you to come back in a month or two, but you probably won’t unless you are forced by the Bureau again.” She said, eyeing Hotch, then leaving.

Reid sat on the table for a moment, looking utterly exhausted. Hotch reached his hand out to Reid, a silent gesture to show he was there to help him down. Reid grabbed his hand, got down and then held on to the older man’s arm as they walked out of the doctor’s office. 

The ride home seemed longer somehow and Reid was struggling to keep his eyes open. Hotch watched the young man, balled up in the seat of the car again, as his head would fall to the side and he would jerk it back up. When they pulled up to Reid’s apartment Hotch went around to the passenger door and helped Reid out. Again, Reid held onto Hotch’s arm as they went inside. Hotch took Reid right to his bed, sitting him on the edge.

“Do you need help out of your clothes?” Hotch asked, turning the light off in the bedroom. He then walked over to Reid and took his sunglasses off. Reid didn’t answer, instead, he tried to get his sweater off himself and got stuck, making a sad whimper sound. Hotch found it too cute but he helped the young man the rest of the way out of his sweater. Reid reached down and tried to unbutton his pants, but his hands weren’t working for him. He normally didn’t have a problem with undoing his pants but his still healing hands and exhaustion made it too difficult at the moment. Reid felt defeated, he couldn’t even take his own clothes off. Silent tears ran down Reid’s cheeks and Reid put his face in his hands.

Hotch didn’t falter. He sat down on the bed next to Reid and slowly pulled the young man into a hug. Holding him as close as he would let him as he cried. After a few minutes, Hotch took Reid’s hands and moved them away from his face, placing his own hand on Reid’s chin and lifting it so that he could look him in the eye. He wiped Spencer’s tears away with his thumb, letting his fingers rest on the rigid beauty of Reid’s cheekbones.

Hotch got off the bed and helped Reid move himself to the spot on the pillow where he normally lays. He made eye contact with him as he reached over and undid the young man’s pants, letting Reid pull them off and kick them off the side of the bed. He tucked Reid in, lifting the blanket up to his shoulders and then running his hand through Reid’s hair before saying, “Sleep well Spencer, I will wake you for dinner.”

Before Hotch made it out the door he heard Reid whisper, “Stay”. Hotch was surprised to hear Reid speak, even more so that he asked him to stay.

“Anything for you Spencer.” Hotch smoothly said as he kicked off his shoes and unbuttoned and removed his shirt, leaving his undershirt on. He climbed into bed next to Reid, careful not to get too close. It didn’t matter though. Once Hotch laid down Reid scooted closer to his superior, balling up at his chest. He kept his hands between their bodies, as if he was trying to protect himself but got close enough to place his head on Hotch’s muscular chest. Hotch wanted to hold him as well but he wasn’t sure what he would be comfortable with. He decided to try and test the waters anyway, wrapping one of his arms over Reid.

He felt Reid tense up and then relax again. Reid took a shaken breath before whispering, “T-thank you Aaron..” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, medication can interact with ASD #actuallyautistic   
> Comment, Kudos and Subscribe!


	23. Coffee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: PTSD and eating disorder

Hotch woke up a few hours later to a small tap on Reid’s front door. Gentle enough to wake him up but not hard enough to scare or wake Reid. _Probably someone from the team._ Hotch thought before getting up and going to the door, careful not to wake Reid. Morgan, Garcia, Emily, and JJ were all standing there when Hotch opened the front door.

Garcia spoke before Hotch could, “Hey G-man!” she said, walking past Hotch, into the apartment. “Sorry we all just showed up, but we were so worried! You weren’t answering your phone! Where is our baby boy?”

Hotch blinked hard a few times, trying to wake up. Morgan noticed, “Sorry man, did we wake you?”

“It’s fine. I didn’t mean to sleep so long. Reid and I both fell asleep once we got home from his doctor’s appointment.” Hotch said, letting the rest of the team inside and shutting the door.

JJ placed a bag on the coffee table, “We stopped by the pharmacy and picked up Reid’s medicine.” JJ said, watching the confused look on Hotch’s face. “I know you didn’t tell us to, I just figured that he probably was given some medication at the doctor today.”

Emily looked at the coffee table, there was a folded blanket and pillow sitting on it, next to the pharmacy bag. “Umm, sir? I thought you said you just woke up.”

Hotch sighed, “I did.. I – uhh – I slept in Reid’s bed. I have been sleeping next to him since he got home..” Hotch said, nervously. He didn’t know how his team would react to him sleeping in the same bed as their injured best friend.

“You are fucking doing what?” Morgan yelled. He knew that Hotch had feelings towards the young man, but he felt like Hotch was taking advantage of him in his weakened state.

“Calm down, Morgan. He asked me to stay with him.” Hotch said, trying to deescalate the situation.

“No Hotch! It hasn’t even been a week since we got him back from Tobias and you think he is able to make decisions over who he shares a bed with?!” Morgan yelled, swinging his arm out and hitting the wall with the side of his fist. The wall didn’t break but it made a loud smack sound. A small whimper came from Reid’s bedroom following the sound.

Hotch didn’t wait to see if that was Reid or not, he was already moving. Hotch got inside Reid’s room and flicked the light on. He wasn’t in his bed, “Spencer?” He said, ignoring the team coming in the room. He heard another small whimper coming from the corner of the room, farthest away from the door. He walked around the bed and saw Reid. He was between his nightstand and the wall, covered in the sheet from the bed, as if to protect himself. Hotch moved closer, “Spencer? Hey.. It is okay sweetie..” Hotch said, getting down on the floor in front of Reid. “That was only Morgan. He was just mad. He is fine now, right Morgan?” Hotch said, turning and eyeing Morgan.

“Yeah, kid… I didn’t mean to scare you. It’s all good now.” Morgan said

“See.. Come on. Let me see you.” Hotch said gently. He moved a little closer to Reid and pulled just a little on the sheet. Reid didn’t fight it and let the sheet fall off of his head. “There you are. Great job, Spencer. I am really proud of you.” Reid’s face was wet with tears. He opened his mouth to speak but closed it again. “It’s okay if you can’t speak yet. I know it must be hard.”

The team looked confused; all expect JJ. They didn’t understand why Reid wouldn’t be able to speak. JJ walked a little closer, looking at Hotch, “Did he go non-verbal?” JJ asked.

“Yes, it seems to be some type of side effect from his withdrawal medication. It is interacting with his autism.” Hotch said, looking up at JJ confused, “How did you know?”

JJ got down on the floor next to Hotch, in front of Reid. “When he joined the team he confided in me about his autism. He said that he almost never goes non-verbal anymore and knows how to regulate himself properly, but he thought I should know how to communicate with him if he went non-verbal. You know, since I am the communication liaison.” JJ said with a smile at the thought of the literal use of her job title. “He taught me the basics of sign language, mostly fingerspelling. It has only happened once, after one of his first cases. Spence? Can you sign?”

Reid looked around the room for a minute before nodding his head yes. He then moved one hand outside of the sheet and started to slowly sign what looked like letters. JJ mumbled to herself, trying to read what he was saying, “ ’Was I bad’. Oh no, Spence! You weren’t bad at all, okay?” JJ said before Reid continued, “ ‘M mad’.. M mad? Morgan? He isn’t mad at you. He was just upset that Hotch slept in the same bed as you. He is worried about you.”

Reid stopped signing and reached his hand out, touching Hotch’s knee, He looked up at Morgan for a moment. He whispered “S-safe”. Just loud enough for everyone to hear him. His message was clear. He felt safe with Hotch.

Hotch’s heart melted. He couldn’t take it anymore and gently pulled Reid out of the corner and into his arms. Reid sunk into Hotch, letting the older man hold him tightly against his chest. Reid kept his arms in between the two again, not allowing full contact between their bodies. Reid rested his head on Hotch’s shoulder, sighing loudly. The team just watched with a mix of worry and love. After a minute Hotch pulled away and helped Reid on to his feet.

Reid pulled the sheet around his shoulders, leaving his bare body, except for his boxers, underneath the thin light purple fabric. Morgan got closer to Reid and Reid fought a flinch. The team saw it though and Morgan took a step back. “Listen, kid.. I am sorry.. I want to make sure that you are safe. We will talk more about this when you get your words back, okay?” Morgan said, “And.. You know I would never hurt you right?” Morgan said, trying to get Reid to make eye contact. Reid just nodded and made a fist with his right hand, bringing it to his chest and rotating it in a clockwise motion.

“He is saying sorry” JJ chimed in.

“Oh.. don’t be sorry, kid. I understand, you know I do.” Morgan said.

Garcia feels the tension in the room and tries to help, “Soooo.. Dinner? I bet you two haven’t eaten and the rest of us could eat some too.”

Hotch smiles, “Sounds great. Spencer, would you like some clothes?” Reid nodded his head, dropped the sheet off of his shoulders and walked over to his dresser. The team all shared concerned looks to each other. Reid’s lack of modesty and self-regard was worrying them. Reid grabbed a pair of PJ pants and put them on, sitting on the bed for balance. He pulled out a shirt and tried to pull it on himself but made a painful ‘hiss’ sound when he tried to raise his arms. Hotch silently helped him into his shirt. His clothes hung on his lithe body, making him somehow look even thinner and more fragile.

After Reid got dressed, they all moved into the living room. Garcia and Hotch went straight for the kitchen and Reid sat in the same wingback chair that he was in the night before. JJ, Morgan, and Emily sat on the sofa. They noticed Reid looked a little happier than he did the night before and in less pain, but it was hard to tell as he wasn’t talking.

Hotch came back from the kitchen holding a meal replacement shake with a straw and pills. “Here you go.” He said, trying to hand them both to Reid. Reid took the shake and two out of the four pills, the Buprenorphine and Clonidine that help with his withdrawal but left the Prozac and Periactin that he was prescribed today in his boss’s hand. “Reid. You need to take them all.” Reid ignored him, swallowing the two pills with a small sip of the shake. Then handed the shake back to Hotch. “Why did you give this back to me? You need to drink it.”

Reid looked past Hotch, to the kitchen and opened and closed his mouth a few times before saying, “Coffee.”

Hotch fought a smile when he heard Reid speak. “You cannot have coffee right now. It is already late, and you do not need empty calories. Now please take this drink and these pills.” Hotch said, trying not to sound too authoritative.

Reid shook his head no and crossed his arms.

Hotch almost laughed at the childish response. He heard a small chuckle from the sofa but ignored it. “Can you tell me why? Maybe sign it to JJ?”

Reid looked over at JJ and made five quick hand motions. JJ looked confused, “Not Dx? I don’t know what that means. Did I get it wrong Spence?”

Hotch cut in, “Not Dx? Like you are not the diagnoses the doctor told us today?”

Reid nodded yes.

Hotch sighed, “Your diagnoses do not matter, you know that these pills will help.”

“Wait, what diagnoses?” Emily asked

“Depression and Anorexia,” Hotch said and Reid shot him a bad look.

“Kid, I know you hate any diagnosis and they totally could be wrong, but you have to ask yourself if this was one of us, would you want us to take the medication?”

Reid pulled his legs up on the chair, first sitting cross-legged then moving his knees to his chest. Hotch just waited and let him think. Finally, Reid reached out and took the pills and drink back, swallowing the pills down with a much bigger sip of shake. Hotch smiled, “I am really proud of you Spencer. Thank you.” Hotch said before sitting in the other wingback chair next to him.

Reid let his eyes glaze over, trying not to focus on anything. His head felt heavy and everything was too loud or too bright. He half-listened to Morgan flirt with Garcia, Emily gossip with JJ and Hotch doing something on his phone. He could smell dinner cooking, even though he knew it was well past dinner time. He was thankful that the meal wasn’t too pungent. He tried to drink more of his shake, but it was disgusting. He drank half before putting it on his side table. He let his mind drift, getting lost in the sea of his memories. He tried to focus on books, shows, friends, happy things. When Reid was too tired or stressed out to do anything he could always go into the depths of his eidetic memory and reread a book or watch a TV show rerun, all from his own head.

He tried to do the same thing now, but his mind kept getting cloudy. Fogged over by the lingering effects of drugs and the strange new cloud of prescription medication. He tried again to focus but he could only find an old shed, the smell of burning fish, the pain of a metal rod. He thought he heard his name. He saw Tobias, he was calling him, right? Tobias opened his mouth to call him again but Hotch’s voice came out. Reid didn’t understand but then felt a hand touch his and he jumped, opening his eyes. “Aaron!” Reid yelled before his eyes met Hotch’s.

Hotch’s face flashed over with panic before it turned to a smile, “There you are. Everything okay?” Hotch asked, still holding Reid’s hand. Reid looked around. Dinner was made and already in front of everyone. He noticed his own plate on the table next to him. He looked at the plate, then back at Garcia, then back at the plate. The only thing on his dinner plate was a large slice of coffee cake. Next to his cake, where he had placed his shake, was a large mug. It looked like a dessert coffee, covered in whip cream with a straw.

Reid looked wide-eyed at Garcia, smiling brightly. Garcia smiled back, “Ohh you are welcome my dear. Now the coffee is decaf, that was all Boss Man would let me do. There is leftover chicken and rice soup if you want a real meal, but I was told that you haven’t eaten at all today and any food is better than none.

Reid forced out a “thanks” and started eating his food, making small happy sounds between bites and sips. Everyone finished their meals quickly, thanking Garcia and helping clean the kitchen, before saying their goodnights and leaving.

Hotch went and got changed into his pajamas before helping sleepy Reid to the bed. “Is it really okay that I sleep in here with you? I have no problem sleeping on the sofa if you are uncomfortable.” Reid moved over and patted the empty part of the bed as if the tell the older man to get in. “Alright Spencer, just making sure,” Hotch said, climbing into bed. “Oh, I do not think you heard me earlier. I moved your psychologist's appointment from tomorrow to Friday. You will be mostly off your Buprenorphine by then and hopefully will be able to talk more. Sleep well.” Hotch said before closing his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you all think!   
> Kudos, Subscribe and Comment, please!


	24. Desperate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Graphic depiction of self-harm, rape, and torture.

The next two days went by smoothly. Reid was speaking more, less sensitive to his surroundings and he had almost completely stopped throwing up and having mood swings. He was eating slightly more, due to his medication. He was starting to be able to lift his arms and shower and change alone. Nightmares were still as strong as ever, as was his fear of his surroundings. Reid was okay with this, they were bearable. His cravings, on the other hand, were almost impossible to deal with. He refused to tell Hotch, he didn’t want to be babied more than he already was. He knew if he didn’t tell Hotch then he would be more likely to be able to go back to work Monday with the team, even if he wasn’t allowed in the field. He was handling it, he thought.

Thursday night was just like the few beforehand. The team came over, ate dinner, talked, left and Hotch and Reid went to bed. Reid was getting used to his nightmares but the one that night was by far the worst.

As soon as Reid closed his eyes, he was there again in the old shed, the smell of burning fish livers and hearts stung his nostrils. He was hanging from the ceiling; blood was dripping down his arms from his aching wrists. His back felt like it was on fire; he could feel the warm flow of blood running down his back onto his naked body. In front of him was a video, he knew it well. It was the woman he had to pick getting murdered. He watched as her throat was slashed violently. Blood sprayed out of her throat at the laptop before the video started over. Reid tried to scream but he had no voice. Nothing came out. He turned his head down, refusing to look at the screen.

He heard someone walk up behind him and the familiar sound of a belt and zipper undoing. He tried to worm away but his body didn’t move. Suddenly he felt hands on his body, and he was brutally penetrated. He couldn’t move, couldn’t scream. He heard Charles whisper in his ear, “You are a sinner boy. You should have known better. You deserve to be punished.” Reid broke into tears. _NO! Why is this happening again?! I shouldn’t be here!_ Reid thought before hearing a different voice come from Charles, “Good boys don’t cry, Spencer.” He knew that voice.. That saying.. It was his father.

Suddenly Reid gasped awake, finding himself back in bed with Hotch. _It wasn’t real… I am safe… No.. It was real, just not happening right now…_ Reid thought before climbing out of bed. He was surprised he didn’t accidentally wake Hotch up, but he wasn’t going to wake him for help now. His psychologist's appointment was in the morning, he knew Hotch would tell the doctor about this. He didn’t want to give them any reason to make him not go to work Monday. He wasn’t worried about passing his FBI psych evaluation, the BAU wrote that evaluation and he knew it inside and out. He was more worried about Hotch finding a reason to keep him home longer.

Reid walked to the corner of his room, picked up his messenger bag and headed to the bathroom, quietly shutting the door behind him. He put his bag on the floor before placing his hands on both sides of the sink and looking at himself in the mirror. The bruises on his face were almost gone but large dark circles held constant under his eyes. His heart was pounding, he was shaking. He needed it to stop. He wanted to calm down. Tears started to cloud his vision, but he blinked them away. All he could hear in his mind was _“Good boys don’t cry.. Good boys don’t cry”._

He became desperate, moved over to his bag and dumped it on the cold, white bathroom floor. His phone. He could call a friend he knew; he could get Dilaudid within the hour. He needed it. He needed to drown out these memories, to cloud his mind. He grabbed his phone, hitting the buttons before realizing it was dead. He had never bothered to charge it. Reid threw his phone against the wall. It would take too long to charge, and he needed relief now. Then he remembered, there was a small zipper compartment in his bag, he had a travel size first aid kit in there. In the kit, was a razor blade.

He pulled out the bright red case, quickly finding the blade. He always carried the kit with him, since college, forgetting it was even there. He studied the blade. It looked new. He wasn’t sure if he had used it before or not. Reid ran his finger across the blade and a small dot of blood bubbled upon his finger. He found that he missed the feeling of self-harm.

Reid was all too familiar with why cutting worked. _The anterior insula and the anterior cingulate cortex of the brain that process pain, regardless of whether it is emotional or physical pain. When causing physical pain when you have emotional pain, the physical pain clouds over the emotional side and when the physical pain lessens as does the emotional pain. There is also a rush of endorphins, which are structurally similar to the drug morphine. They can also help bring about feelings of euphoria and general well-being. This is exactly what I need right now._ He thought to himself while watching the small dots of blood on his finger.

 _I need more.._ Reid looked at his scarred wrists and would love to place crimson red lines through the scars that Charles created but he knew they would be seen by Hotch. That would have to wait until he had more privacy. Thighs would be the best place.. He pulled down his PJ pants and lifted the leg of his boxers on the right side.

He looked at the crisscross white and light pink scars that littered his upper thigh. _What is a few more scars? What does it even matter?_ Reid thought before slowly placing the blade on his pale white skin and dragging it across a few inches. He watched the red liquid bubble up to the surface and spill down his leg. He relished the feeling, but it was not enough. Another and another and another. He kept cutting his thin leg until he felt the rush he needed. The pain that he deserved. He sat on the floor of the bathroom, letting his blood run on to the stark white tiles, losing track of time.

By the time he had the energy to move again his cuts had stopped bleeding and the blood on the floor had dried. Part of him wished Hotch wasn’t staying in his apartment so he wouldn’t have to clean the mess he made. He stood up, feeling much calmer than before and pulled his pants up, leaving the dried blood and uncovered cuts underneath the thin fabric.

He took the hand towel off the rack, thankful that he had replaced it with a black one earlier that day and started to wash the blood off the floor. After the blood was cleaned up, he cleaned the blood off of his razor blade. He then carefully dried it, making sure it wouldn’t rust, before placing it back in his first aid kit and putting everything back in his bag. He left the bag in the corner of the bathroom, so he would have easy access to it again if he needed.

He slowly opened the bathroom door and found Hotch still asleep on the bed. He went to the laundry room and threw the hand towel in the hamper then looked at the clock and saw that it was 5AM. He had no idea how long he had slept for or how long he was in the bathroom cutting. Reid walked to the kitchen and started the coffee maker. There was no way he could sleep now. He made a cup of coffee, added far too much sugar and sat at his desk, eyeing the “Spencer” on the letter that Garcia had left in the corner of the desk. Gideon’s letter. He ignored it and took out his own stationery to write to his mom a fictitious letter over how well he was doing, solidifying his feelings of being alone.

_Dear Mom…._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, short chapter but I wanted this scene separate from the other one I posted today.  
> Tell me what you think and thank you to all that have continued to read and comment :D


	25. Dr. Winchester

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Graphic description of self-harm. Mention of drug use.

“Spencer? Spencer!” Hotch yelled when he woke up in Reid’s bed, alone. He was always the first to wake up, so he was worried when he didn’t see Reid laying next to him. He also didn’t remember waking up once last night from Reid’s nightmares. Hotch jumped out of bed and looked around, trying not to panic. After he looked in the bathroom he found Reid in the living room at his desk. “Spencer?” Hotch said but then he noticed the young man had headphones on and was focused on what he was writing.

Hotch got a little closer and tapped Reid on the shoulder. Reid jumped and pulled his headphones out. “Oh.. Aaron. You startled me. Is it morning already?” Reid said, looking towards the clock on the wall.

“Sorry. What are you doing up already? Did you sleep?” Hotch said, eyeing the papers on Reid’s desk.

“I slept some. I was writing my mom..” Reid said, getting the paper and stacking it.

Hotch noticed several letters that were already in stamped envelopes. “Are you sending her more than one letter?”

“Just one today. I often write letters in advance to send to her when we have a case, or when I am too busy.. that way she still hears from me.” Reid said, looking sad.

Hotch wanted to ask how he could write letters to her about what was going on in his life if he wrote them in advance but then it hit him that he probably can’t tell his mom what he goes through without upsetting her and her friends at the sanitarium. He didn’t want to upset Reid further, so he decided to drop it. “Well.. I am going to shower before I make breakfast. We have to go to the psychologist this morning.” Hotch said.

“Yes. I know but I don’t understand why. She holds no authority over whether I can return to work Monday or not.” Reid said with a hint of attitude.

“No, but I do.” Hotch said, “I am not trying to determine if you can return to work or not by bringing you to her. I am simply trying to help you. You need to talk about what has happened and how you feel in order to heal.”

“I am fine, Hotch,” Reid said before putting his headphones back in and shutting off the world again.

Hotch just sighed, grabbed his clothes from the laundry room and went to Reid’s bathroom to shower. When he finished and was getting dressed he noticed Reid’s messenger bag sitting in the corner of the bathroom. _Why is that in here? It wasn’t there when we went to bed last night.._ Hotch thought before letting it go, remembering that he searched it earlier that week and didn’t find anything that could harm Reid.

When Hotch came back into the living room, Reid jumped up, “I am going to shower.”

“Oh.. Okay. Try not to be too long, I am going to go ahead and start on breakfast.” Hotch said, a little startled.

“Don’t bother. I am not hungry.” Reid said, leaving the room before Hotch could argue. He was still going to make the younger man breakfast, even if he refused to eat it.

Reid got some clothes and went to the bathroom, locking the door behind him and turning on the shower. He took off his clothes and just looked at himself in the slowly fogging mirror. His eyes trailed the healing scar on his thin stomach, then moved to the marks on his back that were peaking over his shoulders and around his side before he drifted his eyes down to his thigh. Dried blood covered his thigh as lines of cuts peaked through. As he looked down at his body, he felt the need to cut again already.

_Just a cut or two.. That would be fine, right?... At least it’s not drugs. It’s not illegal.. It is only hurting me, no one else._ He thought before walking over to his messenger bag and taking out the travel first aid kit, opening it up to reveal his razor blade. He placed the cool blade against his stomach, next to the stab wound that caused him to have to kill Tobias. He wanted to cut through the scar, erase it from his skin but instead, he moved the blade down to his thigh and pressed down slightly, dragging the blade halfway across his thigh before stopping and admiring his work. He watched the blood rise up out of the cut before falling over and dripping down his leg.

Part of Reid felt sick from feeling better at watching his own blood flow, at ripping open his flesh. He wondered if the high he felt was the same that Unsubs feel as they are harming others. He pushed that thought out of his head before cutting once more, this time was slightly deeper. He let the blood flow for a couple of minutes before cleaning the floor and his razor and putting it back in the hiding spot in his bag. Then he got in the shower, careful to clean his cuts.

Reid still struggled with moving his arms up to wash his hair, but he wasn’t going to ask for help. _If I am going to return to work, I will need to do this alone._ Reid thought. The hypocrisy of not asking for help yet harming himself, claiming he was strong enough to do it alone, was not lost on him but he didn’t care. _I have always done things alone. I shouldn’t change that now. I do not need Hotch…. I do enjoy him being here though. More than I thought.._

A knock on the bathroom door startled Reid out of his thought and he let out a gasp. “Spencer! It’s just me,” said Hotch from outside the bathroom door, before trying to crack the door open. _It’s locked.. Spencer never locks the bathroom door, just in case…_ Hotch thought before saying, “You have been in there awhile. Everything okay?”.

“Uh yeah. Be out in a minute” Reid said back.

“Did you need help with your hair? I –”

Reid cut Hotch off, “I am fine. I can do it.”

A few minutes later Reid came into the living room. He was wearing black slacks and a plain purple sweater. His hair was still dripping wet and already starting to curl. Hotch couldn’t help but smile when he saw him, and Reid gave a shy smile back before sitting on the sofa.

Hotch already had his breakfast ready and brought it over. Eggs, toast, sliced fruit, and a meal replacement shake, along with his medication, Prozac, Periactin, and Clonidine. He finished his Buprenorphine already. Reid huffed when his plate was sat in front of him, but he still said, “Thanks..” and took his medicine. “I hate having to take medicine..” Reid said as he started to pick at his food.

Hotch sat down next to Reid, finishing a piece of toast and setting his coffee mug on the table. “I know, but it has been helping. You have actually been eating some and your mood swings have improved.” Hotch said

Reid ignored what Hotch said, looking down at the coffee table. “Coaster, Aaron”, he said making Hotch chuckle.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The two men walked into the psychologist's office a few minutes before the appointment. Reid reluctantly took his sunglasses off and placed them in his bag. He wanted to make sure he came off as mentally well. He sat down in one of the plain wooden waiting room chairs and watched as Hotch checked him in, bringing him a clipboard of papers to fill out. “Do you want to fill these out or want me to do it for you?” Hotch said, sitting down next to Reid.

“Please don’t baby me Hotch. I can do it.” Reid said, feeling aggravated at having to be at the psychologist. He took the paperwork and got started.

“That was not my intention, Spencer. I only asked because I know your hands are still giving you some difficulty.” Hotch said, looking at Reid. He looked up and gave him a small apologetic smile before continuing on the paperwork. Name, address, medical history, family history, all standard questions. He hated having to write his mother’s paranoid schizophrenia on medical forms though. He wasn’t embarrassed by her; it was that he knew the doctor would look for signs of schizophrenia in him and he didn’t want that.

As he was finishing the last part of the paperwork, Reid saw a woman step out of the backroom and towards him. She was of average height and slightly curvy. She had dark skin and braided brown hair that went down to her waist. She was dressed immaculately, professionally. “Hi, Dr. Spencer Reid, correct?” Reid nodded and she continued. “It is nice to meet you; I am Dr. Stephanie Winchester. You can call me Steph if you would like.” The doctor said, without reaching her hand out for a handshake.

Reid visibly cringed at the name Steph. He used to call Stephen that and that just made the whole encounter feel too full circle. “No. I would not like to call you that, Dr. Winchester.” Reid said.

Hotch caught on the implication of the name Steph and stepped in. “Hello, Dr. Winchester. I am Aaron Hotchner, Spencer’s friend, and boss.” Dr. Winchester smiled at Hotch and reached her hand out for a handshake, which Hotch gladly accepted.

“It is nice to meet you, if you both do not mind I would prefer to speak with Spencer alone at first and if he wishes he can ask you back in the room.” She said, looking at Reid. Hotch eyed Reid as well.

“That is fine,” Reid said, not looking back at Hotch as he followed Dr. Winchester into the back. Hotch knew that Reid was trying to show that he was strong and ready to go back to work, but it still stung a little. He didn’t dwell on it but instead, he sat down and read a magazine as he waited.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dr. Winchester's room was plain. A large tan sofa, her desk, and chair, a few boring paintings and a large bookshelf full of books that caught Reid’s eye. The books were mostly typical for what you would imagine a psychologist to read. Reid caught sight of several mathematics textbooks before sitting down on the sofa.

Dr. Winchester watched Reid as he moved into the room, “Do you enjoy reading?” she said to start a conversation.

Reid rolled his eyes, “I am sure you did your homework on me before my appointment, as well as got copies of my medical files. You are well aware of my academic proceedings. I received three doctorates before I turned 21, of course, I enjoy reading.” Reid said, not attempting to hide his attitude anymore.

“Yes, Mathematics, Chemistry, and Engineering. Odd choices for an FBI agent in the BAU. Why did you choose those fields?”

“I study the things I enjoy. I didn’t decide to go into the FBI until after I had all of my PhDs.” Reid said, not understanding why she was asking such innate questions.

“Really? Why did you decide to go to the FBI?” Dr. Winchester asked, making a note on the notepad on her desk.

Reid fought to control his micro-expressions at the thought of Gideon and Stephen. They were the reason he joined the FBI, but he didn’t want to get into all of that. “An.. acquaintance got me into the field, and I enjoy it.”

Dr. Winchester made another note before looking back at Reid, “And this ‘acquaintance’ is no longer in your life?”

“No, they are not,” Reid said with a bite in his voice.

The doctor decided to drop the issue, “What do you like about the BAU?”

Reid felt his anger growing, “Why does it matter?” 

“You made a unique career choice, one that puts you in a great amount of danger. I just want to know why you enjoy it.” Dr. Winchester said plainly.

“Or are you just trying to see if I am capable of returning to work Monday?” Reid said, looking Dr. Winchester strongly in the eyes.

Dr. Winchester maintained eye contact, “I assure you I have no weight in that decision. I am your doctor. I will not tell anyone what you tell me without your permission, which includes Mr. Hotchner and the FBI psychologist. Now.. I am surprised that someone that holds BAs in Psychology and Sociology is so adamantly against their own counseling. Why is that?”

Reid looked down at the folder sitting on her desk before looking back up, “You should be able to form a hypothesis from my file. You tell me.”

Dr. Winchester huffed, “Very well… You are autistic, making opening up about your feelings difficult to begin with. You also have a family history of schizophrenia, so you probably fear someone seeing the signs of schizophrenia in you. You fear that you will have a schizophrenic break and turn out like your mother. You also are worried that someone will ask you about subjects that you are not ready to talk about, such as the acquaintance that was mentioned earlier, your kidnapping, history with self-harm or your child abuse and neglect.” She said, leaning back in her chair, looking proud of her deduction without looking cocky.

Reid somehow looked even angrier. He stood up quickly, sending a ting of pain through the cuts he created on his thighs earlier. Dr. Winchester did not miss the cringe in Reid’s face or the subtle grab of his upper thigh, but she didn’t say anything. “I do not have to put up with this,” Reid said, walking towards the door.

“No. You do not, but Mr. Hotchner will know that you left the appointment early. That would not bode well for you starting work Monday.” Dr. Winchester said quickly.

Reid rested his hand on the doorknob, then looked at the clock on the wall. _Damnit she is good.._ Reid thought before silently sitting back down.

“We do not have to talk about anything that you do not want too, but nothing bad will come from anything we do talk about. I will not go running to your boss or the FBI. I will not diagnose you with anything. I personally refer out for diagnostic work. Most importantly, I will not tell anyone what you tell me, and I do not keep electronic files, only paper, so there is no chance of someone hacking in. Okay?” Dr. Winchester said.

Reid nodded his head yes. This made him feel better, but he was still angry and desperately wanted to cut again.

“Good. So, how is your drug withdrawal going?”

“Fine. I have not used since the night I got home from the hospital” Reid said, trying to compose himself. He knew that she was only trying to help, and she didn’t deserve his anger.

“Excellent! That is great, Spencer.” Dr. Winchester said, looking down at Reid’s legs, “Do you wish to talk about what you replaced that addiction with?”

Spencer couldn’t help his face light up with shock, “How did you- “. He started to ask before changing his mind, “No. I would not.”

Dr. Winchester made another note on her paper, “Turning back to self-harm after all you have been through is not an end-all. There is nothing to be ashamed about. You do, however, need to open up about what you are feeling in order to stop harming yourself. Is Mr. Hotchner staying with you right now?”

“Yes, until Monday I believe,” Reid spoke quietly.

“I recommend he stay longer; I do not think you should be alone right now. He seems like a trustworthy man, am I right?” Dr. Winchester said, putting her notepad and pen up.

Reid didn’t notice the smile growing on his face when he thought about Hotch, “Yeah.. I trust him.”

Dr. Winchester held in her smile at seeing her young patient grow happier at the thought of another, “Why don’t you tell him what you are feeling before you turn to self-harm?”

“I.. I don’t want to disappoint him… I don’t want him to think I am… bad.” Reid said, looking down.

Dr. Winchester pulled her paperback over and wrote down a note about his use of the word ‘bad’. She knew such an elementary word would not be used by Reid unless there was a reason behind it, but she was not going to bring it up now. “Well, what did he do when he found out you were still using after you were saved from the kidnapping?”

Reid thought for a moment, “He threw out my Dilaudid and needle without me knowing, helped me calm down when I found out and then held me.”

Dr. Winchester stood up, “I think it is safe to say that he only wants to help. Are you comfortable telling him? You do not have too but I think it will help.”

Reid ran his fingers down his legs, pushing slightly on the healing cuts, just enough to feel the burn from them. He took a deep breath and nodded his head yes.

“Okay, I will go get him.” The doctor said as she left, closing the door behind her.

Reid sat there in silence, panicking about telling Hotch about his cutting. _Why the fuck did I agree to tell him? It’s not like he would have found out. He doesn’t help me change or shower anymore. This is so dumb!_ Reid thought as he pressed harder into his thigh. _He isn’t going to let me go back to work.. He will be so upset.. disappointed.. I –_ Reid’s thoughts were cut off by a wet feeling on his hand, he accidentally opened his cuts from this morning back up and the blood was soaking through his black pants.

“Shit..” Reid said to himself as he grabbed a few tissues off Dr. Winchester's desk, wiped the blood off of his hands and placed them on the blood spot on his pants. Then he placed his messenger bag on top of it right before Dr. Winchester and Hotch walked in the room.

Hotch gave Reid a smile before sitting on the sofa next to him. Dr. Winchester noticed Reid was sitting with his bag on his lap, “Is everything okay, Spencer?” She said, getting closer to the young man. Reid looked down at his lap and the doctor grabbed his bag and slowly moved it off of Reid when he didn’t resist. Both Dr. Winchester and Hotch looked at the bloody tissues on Reid’s pant leg. “Oh. It is alright. I have a first aid kit in my drawer.” She said, walking over to her desk.

Hotch moved closer to Reid, “Are you okay? What happened?”

Reid opened his mouth, but no words came out. He couldn’t help but start to cry. This was not how he wanted to tell Hotch.

Dr. Winchester got some gauze, antiseptic wipes, and band-aids and handed them to Hotch. “Spencer, are you comfortable lowering your pants here or would you prefer to go to the restroom down the hall?” Reid didn’t answer, he just undid his pants and lowered them halfway down his thighs, leaving his boxers on, crying the whole time.

“Oh Spencer..” Hotch said when he saw the fresh mass of cuts on the young man’s legs, one looking deeper than the rest and bleeding. “Okay.. shh.. It’s okay. I am not mad. I am going to clean this up now, okay?” Hotch said, opening up the gauze.

Reid leaned back on the sofa and covered his face with his hands, crying harder before nodding his head.

Hotch got to work, holding the gauze down, using the antiseptic wipe and bandaging it up. When he was done he looked at the other cuts, they were all closed, but he took a new antiseptic wipe and wiped them gently, just in case. Then gave the sides of Reid’s pants a tug, waiting until Reid leaned up some and pulled them back up to his waist, leaving them unbuttoned. Hotch moved even closer to Reid, letting the sides of their bodies touch on the sofa, “Spence.. Hey. It’s okay. Dr. Winchester said you had something to tell me, was this what you wanted to tell me?”

Reid turned slightly and wrapped his arms around Hotch’s neck, crying on to his shoulder. “Y-yes.. I- I am s-sorry… I- I was b- b- bad…” Reid managed to cry out between sobs.

Hotch wrapped one arm around Reid, not wanting to get too close still. “I will never think you are bad. You know this. I am not mad or disappointed. I am just sorry that I wasn’t there for you.” Hotch said before looking over at Dr. Winchester with a more serious expression. “Do you believe he is safe to go to work Monday?”

Dr. Winchester sat back down in her chair and pulled her notepad over, making a quick note. “I do not have an opinion on whether Dr. Reid returns to work Monday or not. I do, however, agree with the medical records indicating that he does not return to the field for at least a month. I also know that you plan on going back to your place Monday and I do not agree with this. Spencer should not be left alone for now. You should plan a longer stay or find a friend that can stay with him.”

Hotch ran his hand through Reid’s hair, still holding him. “I had no intention of leaving Monday, I also do not think he is ready. I was going to let him decide if he wanted a different member of our team to stay with him.” He said.

“Good.. now you might not agree with this but please do not take Spencer’s razors or first aid materials away.” The doctor paused when she saw the shock on Hotch’s face. “I know you disposed of the drugs, which was the right thing to do, but I find that when a self-harmers kit is taken away, it does not stop the person from harming. All it does is make the person turn to more dangerous ways of harming themselves. I am not saying that you enable him but similar to how drug addicts should have access to clean needles, Spencer should have access to medical supplies and a new razor when needed.”

Hotch grew visibly angry but tried to control himself as he knew it would scare Spencer, “So you are telling me that you want me to let him keep cutting himself? And while he shouldn’t be alone, he should be permitted to work Monday?” Hotch said in a fierce but quiet voice.

“No. As I said, I do not have any opinion on his return to work, only that it should be slow. That decision should be left up to the FBI psychologist’s evaluation. I also am not saying you should just allow him to harm himself, just that you can’t watch him 24/7. He should have access to clean supplies if he feels the need to harm himself instead of getting help. I recommend open lines of communication. No judgment in what he says or doesn’t say and no anger if he does harm himself. He should also come to see me twice a week for now.” The doctor said, looking up at her clock. “I need to move on to my next patient. Please make an appointment at the front desk for a few days from now and here is my card. Call me anytime for help.”

Reid leans off of Hotch and buttons his pants and Hotch takes the card. Hotch pockets it before saying, “Thank you.” And leaving the room with Reid. Hotch made two appointments for Reid for next week before turning to him, “You ready to go home?” Hotch asked. Reid didn’t say anything, he just put his hand in Hotch’s and nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this story getting too long? I feel like there has to be a limit that people are willing to read before they say "Nope too long for me" and skip it. It is coming to an end and I believe I am going to make it into a series in order to explore Reid's past, but still.   
> As always, let me know what you think in the comments. Kudos and subscribe, please!   
> Stay safe.


	26. Wait and See

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Self-harm, past sexual assault, mention of death and PTSD.

After the psychologist, the two men went back to Reid’s apartment and relaxed. Hotch wanted to bring up Reid’s cutting all afternoon, and actually have an open line of communication like Dr. Winchester said, but he didn’t know what to say. Every time Reid would get out of Hotch’s line of sight, even just to use the bathroom, Hotch would worry that he was self-harming again. _What am I even supposed to do? Am I supposed to stop him? Check for cuts? I am not supposed to take away his razor blade or whatever he is using. I don’t even know where he got something to cut with from and if it is safe to use. Fuck. AND I am supposed to provide him with a razor and medical items. I can’t possibly do that!_ Hotch thought as he watched Reid come back from a too long trip to the bathroom. Reid grabbed another book off of his shelf, laid on the sofa and started to read before ending up falling asleep a few minutes before the team was supposed to arrive for dinner.

When the team came over for dinner, Hotch was already standing right outside the cracked door so they wouldn’t knock and wake up Reid. He needed his rest.

“Hey, man. What are you doing out here?” Morgan said as the four team members walked up to Reid’s apartment door.

“Reid had a rough day and he fell asleep on the sofa. I didn’t want you guys to wake him just yet.” Hotch said, not opening the door for the team yet.

Garcia tried to look around the corner of the door, “What happened? Is he okay?”

Hotch didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to tell the team personal information about Reid, but he also needed their advice. They were all skilled profilers and Hotch knew that he was too close to Reid to really know what to do.

JJ started to worry when Hotch didn’t answer right away, “Did he start using again?”

“No. As far as I know, he is not on drugs,” Hotch said, pausing for a moment before continuing. “I took him to the psychologist today and when we were there he came clean to me that he started cutting himself again.”

A small gasp came from JJ and Garcia. Emily looked confused, and Morgan looked angry. “Damnit.. How could you let this happen, Hotch?” Morgan said, trying to stay quiet.

Emily looked between the two men, “Am I missing something? Cutting again? Like self-harm?”

“Yes... We have all seen him hit or claw himself when he was overwhelmed and saw him rip his own stitches on the plane, but he also has scars over the top of his thighs from self-harm. Most of them look old and faded but I am not sure. Anyway.. He started cutting on his thighs again.” Hotch said, looking down. “I should have watched him closer.. I am sorry.”

Garcia placed her hand on Hotch’s shoulder, “No Pumpkin. This is not your fault. Reid did this himself, he could have asked any of us for help and he didn’t. At least it is better than him turning to drugs.”

“Is it though? Baby Girl, he is cutting open his own skin to feel better. How in the hell is that better than drugs?” Morgan said, fighting to control himself from yelling.

Emily spoke up before Garcia could, “It is legal. He won’t be arrested, fired from his job. He also won’t get brain damage, diseases from used needles or harmed by drug dealers. He doesn’t have the chance to accidentally overdose or get drugs that were laced with something deadly. It is the lesser of the to evils..” Morgan ran his hands over his shaved head and huffed. He agreed but didn’t like it.

Hotch waits a moment before starting again, “I tell you all this because I – I am not sure what to do... The psychologist, Dr. Winchester, said that I should not take all sharp items away from him and I should provide him with safe cutting tools and medical supplies. Try and get him to open up and take him to her twice a week. I – I understand why she said that and the profiler in me agrees but… I don’t know what to do..” The team looks at their boss. He is normally so strong, stoic and seemingly emotional less but seeing him this hurt and upset was hard.

Before anyone could answer Hotch they heard Reid, “Are we having team meetings in the hallway about me now? I thought that was just reserved for texting.” He said, opening the door the rest of the way and leaning on the doorframe. Everyone just stared at Reid, they had no idea he was awake or how long he was listening. Reid looked at Hotch, “You just had to tell them huh?”

“I had to. Whether you go back to work Monday or not doesn’t change the fact that I do have to return Monday and I will be in the field. I will need the whole team’s help to make sure you are alright.” Hotch said before he looked the young man up and down and noticed a small bloodstain on the leg of his plaid pajama pants.

“I don’t need anyone to watch me. I have always taken care of myself. I will be fine.” Reid said, looking annoyed.

Hotch felt a little angry, “You have a bloodstain on the leg of your pants right now. How is that fine?” Hotch said and the rest of the team looked down at Reid’s legs.

“Oh Spence..” JJ slipped out.

Reid reached down to his pants, looking at them. “Damn..” Reid said, rubbing his hand over the area and seeing the blood on his hand. He turned around and walked back into his apartment.

The team followed him as he quickly went into his bathroom, locking the door behind him, leaving the team in his bedroom. Hotch knocked on the door a few times, “Reid. You need to let us help you. You can’t keep harming yourself without even trying to get help!” Hotch yelled through the door. They tried to listen through the door, but Reid never spoke up. “Spencer?” Hotch said, trying the doorknob again.

They heard a loud crash and Hotch’s nerves snapped. He shouldered the door open in one move and saw Reid standing in the middle of the bathroom, the items from the medicine cabinet were at his feet. He was standing in his boxers, and blood was running down his leg. “I’m sorry! Please, sir! Don’t hurt me!” Reid screamed, falling to the floor and moving himself to the corner of the room, covering his head with his hands.

Reid’s cries caught them all off guard. _Shit. I scared him.._ Hotch thought before slowly walking into the bathroom, “Spencer, I am sorry. I was worried when you didn’t answer.”

Reid looked up from his hands, “Sorry.. Uh.. You scared me.”

 _He didn’t get thrown into a flashback.. at least that’s good.._ Hotch looked around the room and back at Spencer. “What happened?

Reid lowered his arms but didn’t get up. “I was trying to get the first aid bag out and I accidentally knocked the stuff out.” He looked over at the first aid bag on the floor and moved over to grab it. He started to go through it and pulled out a band-aid.

“Here”, Hotch said, moving down on the floor in front of Reid. “Please let me do it. You need more than a band-aid, it needs to be cleaned.” Hotch went through the bag. It was lacking basic first aid items for cuts. He was able to find a single-use package of antibacterial ointment though. “Move your legs out, let me see,” Hotch said and Reid reluctantly moved his legs away from his chest and laid them flat on the floor.

“Oh god.. why Spence?” JJ said from the hallway when she saw Reid’s self-infected cuts.

Reid looked up at the team then put his head back down, letting his wavy light brown hair cover his face.

“Morgan, will you get me a washcloth and wet it some?” Hotch asked Morgan. He nodded and made his way to the laundry room. Hotch looked down at the new section of cuts on his left leg that wasn’t there earlier in the day. Only one cut was actively bleeding. Morgan came back quickly, handing the wet washcloth to Hotch. Hotch started to wipe the blood off Reid’s leg. “Why Spencer? When did you do this?”

Reid didn’t look up, “I don’t know.. a little after we came home.. I should probably stop the Clonidine. It is making my blood thinner, making the cuts bleed more than normal.”

 _No.. You should stop cutting!_ Hotch thought, trying to swallow his anger. “I was right there.. Why.. Why didn’t you talk to me?”

Reid took a shaky breath, “I’m sorry.” Hotch huffed, he was getting angry. He understood that Reid was going through a lot and had every reason to do what he was doing but that didn’t make Hotch feel any better. He just felt useless and guilty.

Morgan saw Hotch’s growing frustration and stepped in, “Kid, how do you expect to go back to work Monday if you are doing this to yourself? You should take more time off and get some help.”

Reid’s head shot up, “No! I don’t need more time! I need to get back to work..”

Morgan held in a chuckle. He knew how much Reid loved working. More often then not he would be the last one to leave, normally kicked out by Hotch as he was leaving. “Then show us. We are here for you, kid, you just have to let us help.”

Reid nodded and looked down again. Hotch had just finished putting a bandage on the cuts and was picking everything up. JJ and Emily stepped in to help clean up the items from the medicine cabinet and a minute later Garcia walked in with a new pair of pajama pants. Reid put them on, and everyone made their way to the living room, expect Morgan and Hotch.

Hotch was lingering in the bathroom, looking defeated. “Hotch, you need a break. Why don’t you go back to your apartment for the night? I will stay here with Reid.” Morgan said after everyone left.

“I can’t just leave him Morgan. Especially when he is actively harming himself,” Hotch said, his voice was thick with sadness.

“He won’t be alone. I will be here, and I will probably get Garcia to stay too. You don’t have to shoulder this alone. We are all here to help.” Morgan said but his words were falling on deaf ears.

“I said no. I will not leave him.” Hotch said before walking into the living room. Garcia and JJ were in the kitchen making dinner and Emily and Reid were on the sofa.

Reid looked up at Hotch and Morgan as they walked in, “Aaron, you should go.” He said before the two men had a chance to sit.

“What?” Hotch said, looking dumbfounded. “How could you possibly have heard us from here?”

“I didn’t. I am a profiler, remember?” Reid said with a grin. “Listen.. I know I am a lot to handle right now and you have been at it for a week. Let someone else play babysitter tonight.”

“I am not playing babysitter, Spencer. I am here because I care about you and want you to be safe and happy.” Hotch said, moving closer to the sofa. He eyed Emily and she silently got up and moved to the kitchen, allowing him to sit next to Reid.

Reid subconsciously leaned closer to Hotch when he sat down next to him. “You need a full night’s sleep for once. I wake you up every hour or two with a nightmare, you always go to sleep after me and wake up before me and I hog the bed. I will be fine.” Hotch sighed and put his hand on Reid’s shoulder, giving him a smile. It was clear that he didn’t want to leave but he knew that one night back at his place was the best. He needed to refresh his to-go bag, water his plants, deal with his mail and get a full night’s sleep.

“I’m gonna stay with you tonight, Pretty Boy. That okay?” Morgan said. Reid’s face looked a little worried. “What’s wrong, kid?”

“I.. I am just worried that I will be scared of you.. Like.. I am not scared of you, I trust you.. It’s just –” Reid started before Morgan cut him off.

“Hey. I get it, really. How about we ask Garcia to stay too?” Morgan said, looking towards the kitchen. “Baby Girl!”

Garcia stuck her head outside of the kitchen doorway, “Yes my Chocolate six-pack?”

“You down for staying here tonight? We are forcing Hotch to take a break. He hasn’t been home in like a week.”

“5 days, 17 hours, 26 minutes and.. 52 seconds” Reid cut in, looking at the clock on the wall.

Morgan chuckled, “Almost a week then.”

“Sure thing! Oh, we could watch..” Garcia stopped, stepping into the living room. “I forgot; you don’t have a TV. Why don’t you own a TV, Doc?”

“Hmm.. I had one but when I got home after that case we had in Texas with the hostages on the train, it was gone.” Reid said, leaning even closer to Hotch but not touching him.

“Gone?” Hotch spoke up.

“Well, yeah. I was robbed. My television, a laptop, a winter coat, and a coffee maker.” Reid said looking tired.

“I didn’t hear about that. Did you file a police report?” Hotch asked, visibly upset.

Reid shrugged his shoulders, “No. I think I accidentally left the door unlocked anyway and nothing of value was taken.”

“Nothing of value? Man, that’s at least $500 worth of stuff.” Morgan said, giving a confused look to Reid.

“Only 4.3% of all household items that are stolen are recovered and the thief found so I didn’t see a point. Besides, they didn’t open my gun safe in the closet so my mom’s jewelry, my savings, and Steph… Stephen’s laptop and items he gave me were untouched. Plus, it gave me an excuse to finally buy the coffee maker I wanted.” Reid said.

Hotch, Morgan, and Garcia all exchanged looks. It was the first time Reid mentioned Stephen to anyone but Hotch, even if he only mentioned his old stuff. Garcia walked over and sat in the chair beside Morgan, abandoning Emily and JJ in the kitchen to finish dinner without her. “Can you tell me about him? Stephen, I mean”, she asked.

Reid’s face turned a mix of pain and nostalgia. He stared off at the wall for a few minutes before speaking, “He was.. great. I met him while I was trying to get my doctorate in engineering, and he was going for his masters in engineering. We had Thermodynamics together. I was just going to go for a couple of lectures and test out, as I did with most classes, but I ended up staying the whole semester after I met him. It was the only class I went to every lecture for.” Reid said with a smile. “I – He was always honest.. Hopeful, protective. He seemed so serious in front of others but when he relaxed he would smile and tell jokes… “

Morgan gave Garcia a look. They both realized that the description of Stephen was strongly similar to Hotch. Morgan looked back over at Reid, he had finally scooted over close enough to Hotch that their sides were touching. It was quiet for a few minutes before Reid huffed and leaned his head on to Hotch’s shoulder, closing his eyes. Hotch’s eyes went wide and he froze. It was clear to Garcia and Morgan that Reid hadn’t done this before. While Morgan still did not like the idea of Hotch being so close to Reid while he is still so fragile, he was glad that Reid was able to trust Hotch.

They all sat in silence for several minutes before Emily came out of the kitchen with two plates, “Dinner is ready!” She sat one plate on the coffee table in front of Reid and one in front of Hotch. She then went back to the kitchen and came out with a glass of water and a meal replacement shake. Even though Reid was eating a little better, he still needed a meal replacement shake with every meal in order to gain weight.

Reid leaned off of Hotch and both of the men thanked Emily. The rest of the team got their food, and everyone made small talk as they ate. Reid had less then half of his plate and drank half of his shake before claiming he was done.

JJ was sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table to the side of Reid, despite him offering his seat multiple times. She spoke up before Hotch could, “No Spence. You have barely eaten. It wasn’t even a big plate.”

Reid sighed, standing up and taking his plate, moving to the kitchen. “I haven’t eaten this much this often in years. I am not used to regular meals; I really have had enough. Thank you for making it.” Reid said before looking at Emily and Garcia as well and moving to the kitchen. He cleared his plate and moved back to the living room.

Once Hotch was finished eating Reid leaned back against him. Hotch didn’t know how to react but he loved the closeness. The team made small talk for a while before saying their goodbyes. Hotch got up after Emily and JJ left and moved to Reid’s room to gather anything he didn’t have already in his go-bag. Reid followed after him, sitting on the bed. He silently watched Hotch get his items together.

“I can stay if you want.. I really don’t mind.” Hotch said as he zipped his bag up.

Reid shook his head. “No, I will be fine… I mean..” Reid got quiet for a minute and looked down. “I will m-miss y-you” He said quietly.

Hotch smiled warmly at Reid “I will miss you too Spencer but don’t worry. I will be back around nine. Did you charge your phone?” Reid nodded, looking over at his phone sitting on his nightstand, still charging. “Okay, good. Text or call me at any time, okay? I will answer.” Hotch took a minute to just look at Spencer before he kneeled down in front of him. He gently placed his hand on the top of Reid’s leg, a little under where his bandages on his thighs are under his thin pajama pants. “Spence, look at me please.” Reid moved his gaze up to Hotch’s. “Please.. try and not cut.. I am not telling you not too or even asking you not too.. I am just asking you to try and if you do.. please clean yourself up. You do not need an infection….” Hotch leaned his head on to Reid’s shoulder. “I – it hurts me.. To see you harm yourself. I understand, I just…” Hotch stopped, unsure what to say. The whole apartment was in deafening silence. He knew that Morgan and Garcia were listening in from the living room, but he didn’t care.

Reid placed his hand over top of Hotch’s, “I’ll try.. Thank you..”

“For what?” Hotch said, lifting his head off of Reid’s shoulder.

“Caring..”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After Hotch left, Garcia got her laptop from her car and they laid in Reid’s bed watching Doctor Who, Garcia in the middle. Morgan said repeatedly how he would not like it, but he was glued to the screen. At some point Reid and Garcia fell asleep but Morgan stayed up watching the show. Somewhere around the third episode he heard Reid start to make sounds. He was begging in his sleep. Morgan got up, turned on the light and went around to Reid. “Hey.. Kid.. Reid..” Morgan said, trying to wake him up without touching him.

Reid started to thrash around in the bed, waking Garcia up. “Huh.. What’s going on?”

“He is having a nightmare.” Morgan said to Garcia before trying to wake Reid up again, “Reid! Hey man! Come on!” Morgan said much louder, but Reid was still stuck in his nightmare.

“Can’t we just shake him?” Garcia asked, shutting the laptop and sitting up.

“Hotch told me before he left that we weren’t supposed to touch him to wake him up. Something about being violent, causing a flashback or a conditioned response.” Morgan said.

“I have seen the first two from him and they are bad but what is the conditioned response? Garcia said, watching Reid struggle and wanting to hold him close.

“No idea.. he said I would know if he did it and if he didn’t then not to worry about it” Morgan said before trying to wake him again. “Reid! Pretty Boy! Spencer!”

Garcia joined in, “Boy Wonder! Spence! Hey!” Nothing.

Reid’s begging got louder, and tears started to roll down his cheeks from his closed eyes.

“Fuck it.” Morgan said before grabbing Reid’s shoulders and giving them a shake while saying, “Reid!” a few times. Suddenly Reid’s eyes opened, and he was moving out of the bed. Morgan backed up as Reid got closer, “Kid?” Reid didn’t response. His eyes were glazed over as if he wasn’t actually there. Once Morgan backed up far enough for his back to be touching the bookshelf, Reid dropped to his knees and started undoing Morgan’s drawstring on his activewear pants. “Woah! What are you doing?” Morgan said grabbing at his pants.

“Sorry, sir. How do you want me?” Reid said in a voice Morgan and Garcia had never heard before. It was almost as if he was hypnotized. This wasn’t the Reid they know. Before Morgan could answer Reid started to pull his own pants off.

“No!” Morgan yelled, grabbing Reid’s pants and pulling them back up.

This caused Reid to flinch, pulling him out of his trance, and he blinked a few times before looking at Morgan, then to Garcia on the bed. “What.. What happened?” Reid asked

 _Conditioned response… Shit. Hotch could’ve warned me that Reid was gonna offer himself to me like that._ Morgan thought, trying to hide his anger and worry. “Nothing, man.. You were just having a nightmare,” Morgan said, not wanting to embarrass Reid.

“Oh..um.. Okay. Sorry..” Reid said climbing back into bed. Morgan gave Garcia a reassuring nod and they both laid down too.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

By the time the sun came out, Morgan and Garcia were worse for wear. Reid had back to back nightmares. They all resulted in him hitting Morgan, causing a flashback or his conditioned response, which Morgan hated the most. He could take a punch and could talk someone out of a flashback but having his best friend be so frightened, so trained, that he thought the only answer is to pull his pants down and bend over was heartbreaking. He didn’t think Garcia would last all night without breaking down.

A little before 7 AM, Reid woke up from another nightmare but decided he would take a shower instead of sleep more. After a long shower, Reid crawled right back into bed, refusing to get up and eat.

Hotch came back a few minutes after 9 AM, looking much more put together than he had been in weeks. He took one look at Garcia and Morgan and said, “Rough night?”

Garcia started first, “Why didn’t you tell us it was that bad? Of course, we would have still stayed but I had no idea he was struggling like that.”

Hotch looked a little confused, “It is normally not too bad, an average of three nightmares a night.”

“Not for us, man. He woke up at least every hour. Also, why the hell didn’t you tell me what conditioned response meant? I was so confused when he asked me how I wanted him and started to strip” Morgan said, a little angry at Hotch but mostly upset at Tobias and Reid’s dad.

“Shit.. Sorry. I didn’t think he would do that. He had only done it a few times with me.” Hotch said, peaking in Reid’s room before shutting the door and moving to the sofa.

“You never told us that he did it at all! It was like he wasn’t even there.” Morgan said

Garcia gave Hotch a concerned look, “I don’t understand.. I have never seen him act like that before.”

Hotch sighed, “Jason mentioned it to me the last time I talked to him. Jason had gotten mad at him after Stephen’s death and his face went blank and he tried to give him oral to make it up to him… From what I have seen, it’s only brought on during extreme stress or when he is not fully there after a nightmare.”

“But.. why?” Garcia asked and Morgan and Hotch shared a look.

“Good boys don’t cry..” Morgan whispered. His heart still hurt from the first time he heard Reid say that during a meltdown. Garcia just looked more confused though.

Hotch leaned closer to her so she could hear his quiet voice, “The stress from the Tobias case bought up some of his past that he buried. I think his flashbacks from Tobias are also intertwining with his past as well. Reid’s father made Reid do.. sexual acts.. when he was ‘bad’, and Tobias raped him because he was a ‘sinner’..“, Hotch said looking down.

“My poor baby…” Garcia said.

Silence loomed over the apartment for some time before Hotch got back up and checked on Reid again. Morgan spoke up, “Hotch, he isn’t going back to work Monday, right?”

Hotch waited until he was back at the sofa to answer, “I really do not know. I have to go back. I called Strauss last night and she will not give me time off. She also said that she wants to be the one to get the FBI psych evaluation and make the final call on if he returns Monday or not. I can always argue that he should have more time, but I don’t know what good it would do. Besides, it might be best for him to be there, as he shouldn’t be here alone… We will just have to wait and see..”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone that reached out on my last chapter! I was really not feeling too good about how this story was going and the length and you guys helped so much! I hope everyone is staying healthy and sane.  
> Kudos, Sub, and Review, please!


	27. Monday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: Self-harm, PTSD

Before the two men knew it, it was Monday. The weekend went on without event. They went to the store and got everything they needed for the upcoming week. Hotch bought premade meals for Reid incase he had to stay home this week. He even bought more first-aid items for Reid, but he couldn’t bring himself to buy a razor as Dr. Winchester said. Reid did laundry and cleared a spot for Hotch in his closet so he could hang his work clothes.

Monday morning Reid got into his work clothes and stared at himself in the mirror. He was wearing black slacks, a white dress shirt with a black tie and a grey cardigan. His clothes hid the story of the past few weeks well, but they were extremely uncomfortable. His still healing back itched and burned at the rough material of the dress shirt. His stomach and wrists weren’t much better off but he was able to put lotion on them and that helped. He couldn’t reach his back; he could barely even see it.

Reid pulled out his cell phone and looked at the clock, unable to wear the silver watch he normally wore. He still had 15 minutes before they had to get going. He went ahead and took his cardigan, tie and dress shirt off. He looked down at his stomach, the healing stab wound had six cuts running through it from his self-destructive behavior early Saturday morning. He let his fingers dance over the cuts, finding himself content with messing up Charles’s handy work.

Reid got out the lotion and tried to rub it anywhere he could reach on his back, which wasn’t much. His arms still did not have a full range of motion as well. A tap at the door made him jump, “Spencer. Are you okay in there?”

“Uh.. Yeah.” Reid said, still trying to reach his back.

“Can I come in?” Hotch said, already cracking the door.

“Sure..”

Hotch walked in and let out a chuckle, “What in the world are you doing?” Hotch was sporting one of his famous work suits with a blue tie. Reid’s blue tie. Hotch watched Reid’s eyes drift to his tie, “Sorry. I hope it’s okay that I borrow your tie. Mine were more wrinkled than I thought they would be from being in my bag.”

Reid gave up trying to lotion his back and looked Hotch up and down, “No it’s fine. It.. looks good..”

Hotch gave Reid a warm smile, noticing the cuts on his stomach but not commenting. “Do you need help with that?” He said, gesturing to the lotion.

“If you don’t mind.. My dress shirt was bothering my back and…” Reid started before Hotch moved closer. He was already putting lotion on his hands. Reid turned around and Hotch gently rubbed the lotion on his back, over every healing lash. Reid felt himself relax instantly. He still didn’t understand why Hotch made him feel so comfortable and relaxed when his other friends still scared him at times.

Hotch finished up and Reid slipped his dress shirt back on. He moved to button it but stopped when Hotch reached out towards his unbuttoned shirt. Hotch ran his fingers over the six cuts that overlapped his stab wound on Reid’s thin stomach. Then silently started to button his shirt for him. When he was done he grabbed Reid’s tie and put it on for him.

_Why does this feel so.. intimate.. Aaron is just helping me get dressed, as he has done before.._ Reid thought as he allowed Hotch to tie his tie and then reach up and fix his hair.

When Hotch finished, Reid just stood, frozen, looking at the older man in front of him before Hotch smiled to him and said, “Let's get going.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He was extremely nervous as he walked into the bullpen. It felt like months since he had been there, but he knew it was only a few weeks. The two men walked to Reid’s desk, “Are you going to be okay? You have your evaluation in a few minutes then Strauss is going to go over the results with you.”

“Strauss? Not you?” Reid said, setting his bag down on his desk.

“No. She said she would determine if you returned today or not.” Hotch looked over towards her office. “Also, I believe she has already picked someone to replace Gideon.”

Reid took a deep breath. He needed to stay levelheaded if he was going to pass his evaluation and talk Strauss into letting him back so soon. “Sounds good,” Reid said, without a hint of emotion.

JJ walked across the bullpen with an arm full of case files. She stopped at Reid’s desk, “Hey Spence! Good luck with your eval. Hotch, Strauss wants to see you.” she said before quickly walking back to her office.

Hotch huffed, “Great.. Well, see you when you are done Spen—Reid.”

Reid nodded and made his way to the FBI psychologist’s office. He stopped outside the door and took a moment to relax his nerves, looking at the sign on the door. _Dr. Watts. Be prepared to be fooled._

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hotch made his way up the bullpen stairs and down the hall to Strauss’s office. He knocked on the door and heard, “Come in!”.

When Hotch walked in the door he was greeted by Strauss and a familiar face. “Hello Agent Hotchner, I'm sure you remember—”

Hotch cut Strauss off when Rossi stood up, “Dave!” He said, moving to Rossi and giving him a hug.

“How are you, Aaron?” Rossi asked returning the hug. 

“I'm good, I'm good. What brings you here?” Hotch asked

Rossi grinned and eyed Strauss, “Well I heard there was an opening at the BAU.”

Strauss walked out from behind her desk, “Agent Rossi will be taking Gideon’s spot at the BAU”

“Really? I saw you on tv last week. Can't believe you want to come back here.” Hotch asked

Strauss spoke before Rossi could continue his conversation, “Come on, I will show you to your office. Agent Hotchner, I will be back in a moment, have a seat.”

When Strauss returned, she shut the door behind her, her blinds were already drawn shut as they normally were. “Did you enjoy your week off?”

Hotch struggled to control himself from rolling his eyes. “It was needed, thank you. What is this about?”

Strauss sat down at her desk and pulled out a folder, “Okay, straight to the point. This is about Agent Reid’s kidnapping and his return to work. Now I have reviewed the case and what he had to deal with. In your professional opinion, do you believe he is ready to return to desk work today?”

Hotch didn’t know what to say. He wanted Reid at work, close to him and their team, but Reid was still not doing well. Hotch decided to just be honest, “No. I do not think he is ready. I personally would have given him an additional week off if the decision was left to me. Which makes me wonder, ma’am, why are you overseeing this?”

Strauss quickly got an attitude, as she did not like being questioned. “As the BAU Section Chief, I can oversee anything I wish in the BAU. You know this Agent Hotchner.”

Hotch tried to keep his composure. He did not get along with Strauss. “Yes ma’am, I understand. I am just wondering why this case in particular.”

“Simply put, Agent Reid does great work at the BAU and I need to make sure he stays a member of the team. Since he has joined, the BAU’s completion rate has skyrocketed as well as the time spent per case has lowered significantly. He also works on many cases outside of the BAU work. Most recently he was asked to consult with the FBI National Security Branch and ended up solving a several month-long case involving a security threat that was sending intricate code and riddles in less than two hours.”

Hotch fought a smile. He knew that Reid did some consulting with other branches, but he didn’t know the details. He was happy at the thought of Reid being his wonderful, genius self. “I understand, ma’am.. But I do not think he is ready. His kidnapping took a lot out of him and he is still healing, not to mention having to deal with Gideon leaving. They were quite close.”

Before Strauss had a chance to answer, her phone rang. “Section Chief Erin Strauss.. Hold on one moment, Dr. Watts.” She said before covering the phone and looking back up at Hotch, “Please return to work, I will get you later if needed. Send Agent Reid in when you see him.”

Hotch got up and left, heading to Rossi’s new office. “Hey Dave,” he said, peeking his head in the open door, “Come meet the team.” Rossi got up and followed Hotch to the bull pen where Emily, Morgan, and JJ were standing around and talking. “Everyone, SSA David Rossi, this is SSA Emily Prentiss.” Emily reached out and shook his hand. “SSA Derek Morgan”

Morgan reached out and shook his hand as well, “It's an honor, Agent Rossi.”

Rossi smiled, “Please, just Dave.”

Hotch gestured to JJ, “and Agent Jareau”

They also shook hands, “Everyone calls me JJ It is such an honor to meet you, sir. I've heard a lot about you”

“Thank you. And what's your function here?” Rossi asks, noticing the files she was holding in her left arm.

“I'm the communications coordinator and liaison. Pretty much the go-between for the team and the rest of the world. I—” JJ started before they all noticed Reid come from the elevator.

“How did it go?” Hotch asked once Reid was close enough. Reid just gave a shrug then his eyes locked on Rossi, automatically recognizing him. “Oh. Dave this is SSA Dr. Spencer Reid. Reid, SSA David Rossi is the newest member I was telling you about.”

Rossi extended his hand for a shake, but Reid gave a wave, “If I could talk to you later about your work with the Scarsdale Skinner. Psycho-linguistics is an incredibly dynamic field, and the fact that your profile of his reading habits ultimately led to his capture is something I find so incredibly intrig—”

“Reid, slow down. He'll be here for a while. You can catch up with him later. Strauss is waiting for you” Hotch said with a smile that he rarely shows at work.

“Sorry..” Reid mumbled before heading up the Strauss’s office.

“Well, he is.. different. He is a doctor? How old is he?” Rossi asked

Emily chuckled, “You have no idea.”

“25. And He has three doctorates, several BAs. He has an IQ of 187, can read 20,000 words per minute and has an eidetic memory.” Hotch said proudly and the fondness was not missed by Rossi.

“You two are close I see.” He said with a grin.

Hotch just gave Rossi one of his famous glares before moving to his office.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reid knocked on Strauss’s door. He was brimming with determination. He desperately wanted to go back to work and would not let process and procedure get in his way. Strauss opened the door, “Hello Agent Reid, please have a seat.”

Unlike Hotch, Reid got along well with Strauss. He could tell that the woman was just trying to do her job and he could respect that. He also worked with her often while he consulted with other branches of the FBI. “Hello ma’am, it is nice to see you,” Reid said, taking a seat in the chair in front of her desk.

“You as well. I just got off of the phone with Dr. Watts and you seem to have passed your psych eval with flying colors. You wouldn’t have tricked him, correct Agent Reid?” Strauss asked, looking at him over her reading glasses.

“Dr. Watts is a bright man. I am sure a veteran FBI psychologist such as himself would not fall for trickery.” Reid said plainly.

“Hmm.. You are not exactly the typical case you know.” Strauss says, picking up a folder on her desk. “I reviewed the case with Tobias Hankel and what happened to you.. I was unable to sit through the video evidence from the case so I will have to take the reports word for what happened.”

“Video evidence, ma’am?”

“Yes, as you are aware the rest of the team received a video feed during the time of your kidnapping. This video was recorded and was sent to me when the case was closed in Georgia.” Strauss said

Reid’s stomach dropped. _There is a video… no one told me there was a video.. How many people have watched it? Will more people watch it?_ Reid took a deep breath. “Yes, I was not informed a copy was made,” Reid said, hiding his anger. “Do you know what will happen to that video now?”

“I requested the physical copy so it would not be put onto the FBI database.” She said, flipping the file she was holding to the end and taking out a DVD disk in a clear case. “It is not needed, I wanted to give you the only copy.”

Reid almost jumped out of his seat to take the DVD. “Thank you, ma’am”

“How are you actually doing Spencer?” Strauss said, purposely using his first name.

Reid was holding on the DVD with an iron grip. He was struggling to stay calm. “I am still healing but overall I am great.” Reid lied with ease. “I am seeing a psychologist outside of the FBI and was checked by a regular physician. I am ready to get back to work.”

“I am glad to hear that.” Strauss took out a form and started to write. “I will allow you back to desk work starting immediately. You may travel with the team if necessary, but you are to remain in the field office. You are not to go into the field for any reason, not even to look over a crime scene, do you understand Agent Reid?”

“Yes ma’am,” Reid said with a grin, moving over to sign the form before letting himself out.

He closed the door behind him and felt the strangest mix of happiness and anger. He looked down at the DVD still in his hands. _Hotch.._ Reid quickly moved to Hotch’s office, opening the door without knocking and closing it behind him. He didn’t even notice Rossi sitting on the sofa. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Reid said holding the DVD up, trying not to yell.

“Spencer? I am not sure what that is.” Hotch said, standing up from behind his desk, looking confused and worried.

Reid slammed the DVD on his desk. “This! A copy was made of my kidnapping and it was sent along with evidence! No one even told me! Do you know how many people could have watched this? Even Strauss watched some! It was bad enough knowing that my friends all sat around and watched me get tortured but now strangers have seen it too! If Strauss didn’t request a physical copy then a digital copy would have been in the FBI Archives for any agent to see! I could have been made into a training lesson on why you don’t get kidnapped! Fuck!” Reid yelled, slamming his hand on the desk again, picking up the DVD, before rushing back out of the room.

Hotch stood there. He wasn’t sure what to do. He remembered Gideon texting him about a copy being sent with evidence and he agreed not to tell Reid. It wasn’t really his fault, but Gideon wasn’t around for Reid to yell at. Rossi stood up from the sofa and walked to Hotch’s desk, “Uh.. Aaron. What just happened?” Hotch sighed and started to tell Rossi about what happened with Tobias Hankel in Georgia.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reid rushed out of Hotch’s office, ignoring anyone watching him. He wanted to grab his bag off his desk but that would mean he would have to go near Emily and Morgan, and they would certainly question him about his outburst. Instead, he went to the restroom furthest away from the bullpen on the same floor. It was rarely used.

Once inside, he locked the door and leaned over the counter of the sink. He tried to calm down, tried to relax. _I have the DVD now. No one else is going to see, no one will know._ But it wasn’t enough. He needed to cut. That would calm him down. With little thought, he snapped the DVD in half and roughly pushed up his cardigan and dress shirt sleeve. He dragged the sharp corner of the DVD across the inside of his forearm. He knew he shouldn’t risk cutting on his arms, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. His whole body was covered in scars anyway. A few more won't matter.

After several jagged cuts blood was dripping down his arm. He held his arm over the sink and looked at himself in the mirror. _This isn’t even me anymore. I am cutting myself in the FBI bathroom with a broken DVD. This is just pathetic.._ He thought as he turned on the sink and started to rinse the blood off of his arm, hand, and sink.

Reid jumped at a knock at the bathroom door, “Reid.” He heard Hotch say, just loud enough to be heard through the door, “You need to open the door. We need to talk about this.”

Reid didn’t answer, just continued to wash his cuts. Hotch was ruining the calming feeling they brought and the idea of cutting more floated into his head before he heard Morgan, “Kid, open this door or I am going to break it open.” Morgan got quieter but Reid could still hear him, “Hotch don’t you have a key? Well, use it.”

The door suddenly opened and Hotch and Morgan stepped inside, shutting and relocking the door. “No! Get out Hotch!” Reid yelled and roughly gestured his arm to the door, causing blood to flick at the door and drip down his arm again.

“Oh, Spencer.. Why did you do this?” Hotch said, trying to grab Reid’s cut arm.

“Don’t touch me!” Reid yelled and jerked his hand away.

“Come on man, you need to calm down and we need to get that cleaned up,” Morgan said

“No. It’s fine” Reid grabbed several paper towels and held them over his bleeding forearm before carefully pulling his sleeve over the paper towels, like a makeshift bandage. “Just leave me alone.” He said, grabbing the broken DVD and walking to the door.

“Reid stop!” Hotch said in his deep and serious Unit Chief voice. Reid flinched violently, surprising Hotch and Morgan. Hotch never made Reid flinch anymore. “Sorry.. You can’t leave like this though. Yes, I knew that there was a copy of the video, but it wasn’t my decision to not tell you. It was Gideons.”

Reid took a deep breath, trying to hide his fear as he unlocked the door, “Do you honestly think that is better? Just leave me alone Hotchner.” Reid said as calmly as he could, leaving the two older men in the restroom as he left.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hotch was surprised when he saw Reid sitting at his desk. He was sure that the young man would be given more time off. He went up to Strauss’s office and knocked on the open door, “Come in Agent Hotchner.”

“Why is Reid at his desk? I thought he would be given more time off.” Hotch said

Strauss barely looked up from her work, “He passed his psych evaluation. I emailed you a copy. He is allowed to do desk work and can travel if needed but is not allowed in the field for at least a month.” She said before grabbing a file on the end of her desk. “Give this to him, will you? It needs to be done by the end of the day.” Hotch looked at the file, _FBI International Affairs. The last thing he needs is more work._ Hotch nodded and left.

He watched Reid at his desk for a moment before walking to him. He looked as if he was focusing deeply on the files in front of him. Hotch watched as Reid tapped his pen, shook his leg and all-around couldn’t stay still. They were all used to Reid’s stimming, but this was more than normal. He was clearly overwhelmed. Hotch made his way to Reid’s desk, “Here Reid”, he said extending the file to him. Reid jumped and took the file. When he opened it up Hotch noticed it wasn’t even in English.

Reid quickly scanned the pages, “When?” he asked without looking up.

“End of the day,” Hotch said. Reid turned on his computer and got to typing. Hotch was surprised how quickly he could type, really for someone that didn’t own a computer and rarely used his work computer. Hotch lingered as Reid typed.

Garcia walked up behind the two, “It’s almost lunchtime! Woah, Boy Wonder uses a computer?” Reid was too focused on what he was doing to notice Garcia. Morgan and Emily walk up as well, and they all watch Reid type.

After a few minutes and several pages later, Reid stops and hits the print button. He turned around and jumped, “What are you all doing?”

Garcia laughed, “Sorry! We were watching you work. What were you even doing?”

Reid walked over to the printer, checked his pages and put them in the folder. “I was just translating some documents from Sanskrit to English. The regular translator is on maternity leave and the temp doesn’t know Sanskrit”

“You know Sanskrit?” Emily asked.

“You don’t?” Reid said with a grin.

Rossi walked up to the group, “Are we all heading to get lunch?” He asked and everyone agreed but Reid just took the file and walked it up to Strauss’s office. When he came back everyone was about to head out.

“Grab your bag Reid, let's go,” Hotch said

“No thanks,” Reid said, sitting back down.

Hotch walks up to Reid’s desk, leaning down to him. “This is not up for debate Spencer. You need to eat, and you cannot be left alone.”

Reid looked Hotch dead in the eyes, “I said, no.”

Hotch leaned in even closer, “Do I need to order you to do it? I am not above writing you up and placing you on a week of leave.” Hotch said extremely quietly, in hopes that the team wouldn’t hear.

Reid huffed, “Strauss just allowed me back, she would not allow you to bench me for another week”

“Reid, you know she only allowed you back because you are the only one that can do certain assignments and that makes her look good. She doesn’t give a shit about anyone but her career.” Hotch quietly said.

Reid rolled his eyes, “Oh and you are different?” 

“Reid, now,” Hotch said hissed, staring him in the eyes.

Reid met the stare for several seconds before breaking. He got up and grabbed his bag and said, “Yes, _SIR.”_ loudly. Hotch immediately caught the connotation behind the use of the word sir, as well as most of the team members. Reid was comparing Hotch to Charles. 

Hotch was fuming, about to pop off. Morgan walked up to Hotch, “Let it go, man. You know he is just pissed about the video.” Hotch took a deep breath and nodded his head. “Baby Girl, can you drive Reid?”

“Sure thing pumpkin! Come on 187.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When they all got to the restaurant Hotch and Reid sat on different sides of the table, as far away as possible. Hotch handed JJ a meal replacement shake under the table to give to Reid. JJ put it in her purse and waited a moment before taking her purse out and making sure everyone saw her take the shake out, so he didn’t think it was from Hotch. “Here Spence.” She said as she handed the drink to Reid.

Reid looked embarrassed, looking up at Rossi and then around the restaurant. “I don’t need this now.. I will eat.” He said as he put the drink in his bag and pulled out a Rubik's cube to fidget with.

Garcia was sitting beside Reid and leaned over, “Honey, you really should go ahead and drink that. You know you are supposed to drink one with every meal.”

“It will be fine Garcia.. I don’t want to have to drink that in public..” Reid said quietly but everyone at the table still heard him. Reid looked completely exhausted, so Garcia didn’t push it.

The waitress came and took everyone’s order, and quickly brought out their food. Reid got Fettuccine Alfredo and coffee. He had eaten less than half by the time everyone was almost done with their meals. Hotch gave JJ and look and she caught the hint, “Spence, you need to try and eat more.”

Reid didn’t answer, instead, he got up and went to the restroom. Hotch nodded to Morgan to follow. When Morgan opened the restroom door he was greeted by the sound of someone vomiting. “Reid? You okay?” After a minute the vomiting turned into dry heaves before stopping altogether. Reid flushed the toilet and opened the stall door. “Hey, what happened?” Morgan said,

Reid walked over to the sink and washed his face, putting some water in his mouth and spitting it back out, “Sorry.. I just—today has been hard..”

“Reid, everyone would understand if you went home early today. It must be hard being back and fighting with Hotch doesn’t help.” Morgan said

“I am not even mad at Hotch.. just mad in general. I am so angry that any of this has happened..” Reid said, looking down. Tears were burning his eyes, but he didn’t let them fall.

Morgan reached out and put his hand on Reid’s shoulder, ignoring the flinch. “I know, kid.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The rest of the workday went as planned, with no cases popping up. Reid worked diligently on his paperwork, sometimes struggling with his hands to get them to write properly. He couldn’t seem to sit still though, and every noise made him jump. Hotch watched him from his office, wanting nothing more than to take him home early and get him to bed.

Once the clock hit five, Hotch was up and moving to the bullpen. “Reid, time to go,” Hotch said, realizing that he hadn’t spoken to Reid in hours and he didn’t even know if he was still angry.

Reid jumped yet again before sighing and gathering his stuff together. “You don’t have to stay with me you know.. I don’t even need a ride. I normally take the train.”

“I am not leaving you alone. If you really don’t want me to stay with you then pick someone else from the team.”

Reid sat there for a moment, before grabbing his bag and standing up. “No… I want you..”

The ride home was quiet. Once they got inside Reid went straight to the bathroom and Hotch went to the kitchen to make some dinner for the two of them. When Hotch was almost done he noticed Reid standing at the doorway to the kitchen. He was wearing a long-sleeve black shirt and a pair of light blue pajama pants. His hair was dripping wet like he didn’t even bother to try and dry it. His eyes were red as if he had been crying and he looked beyond tired. Reid stood and watched Hotch for a few minutes before speaking, “I am sorry Aaron.. I—I know you all didn’t have a choice in copying the stream and sending the video with evidence... and telling me wouldn’t have done any good..”

Hotch moved closer to Reid and he flinched, “It’s okay Spence.. What is going on? Am I scaring you?”

Reid let his wet curls hang in his face and he wrapped his arms around himself. “I—I kept seeing him everywhere today.. I know he wasn’t there. I killed him. I held his body has he died…” Reid looked down at his hands, they were shaking. “I am not crazy…”

“No one said that you’re crazy,” Hotch said, placing his hands in Reid’s. “That is normal for people with PTSD. You know this.”

“I know! I just hate it! I want to get back to work, be in the field, not jump every time someone moves.. Fuck even you are scaring me and—”

Reid stopped midsentence when Hotch pulled him into a hug. He felt Reid tense up then relax. He wrapped his arms around Hotch’s neck and started to cry. “Spence.. right now. Am I scaring you?” Reid shook his head no. “Good. Listen, you just had an overwhelming day. You aren’t crazy, you are doing really well. I am proud of you Spencer.” Hotch said in a calming, loving tone and Reid started to cry harder. “Come on, how about we lay you down. You can eat later.” Hotch turned the oven off and walked Reid to the bedroom.

Reid climbed right in bed and then looked up at Hotch, “Stay?”

“Of course, I need to change first though.” Hotch was still in his work suit. He moved over to Reid’s closet and hung up his suit jacket, dress shirt and tie, leaving him in his white undershirt. He slipped off his dress slacks and pulled on a pair of lounge pants. When Hotch turned back around he realized that Reid had been watching him change and was slightly embarrassed.

He shook off the feeling and climbed into bed. It was always a little awkward laying in bed with Reid, Hotch didn’t know how he should lay or if he should touch him. He obviously wanted to be comforted but Hotch never knew how. Before Hotch could put much thought into it, Reid was pulling him close. Reid wrapped his arms around Hotch’s waist and pulled him in, laying his head on the older man’s broad chest. His breath was shaky from crying but calmed down when Hotch wrapped his arms around him, letting one hand fall on his damp hair, brushing it with his fingers.

Time seemed to stand still as Hotch soothed Reid by rubbing his hair and humming softly. Right before Reid feel asleep he felt Hotch move his hair out of his face and kiss his forehead. Reid fell asleep with a smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there is anything that you wish to see in this story before it ends, please let me know!   
> Also do you guys like the descriptive self-harm scenes or do you prefer it to be skipped over like with the cuts on Reid's stomach? I don't want to go too far and trigger anyone.   
> Kudos, Subscribe and comment, please!


	28. Denial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Self-harm, PTSD, panic, mention of sexual assault/rape.

Reid woke up the next morning to Hotch rushing around the room. “What in the world are you doing?”, he mumbled, sleepily rubbing his eyes.

He sat up on his elbows and saw Hotch pulling on his work clothes, buttoning his dress shirt, pulling on his professional leather belt, putting his suit jacket. Hotch took his go-bag from Reid’s closet and pulled out a red tie, “Damnit. I forgot to steam my ties. Can I borrow another tie?” Hotch asks, already moving to the tie hanger Reid has in his closet.

“Only if you wear the pink one,” Reid said with a smile.

“Not a chance. Why do you even own a pink tie?” Hotch said, grabbing a purple tie. He normally didn’t wear any color besides red or black, but Reid’s ties weren’t exactly Hotch’s style.

“I like pink sometimes, nothing wrong with that. In fact, in color psychology, pink is a sign of hope. It is a positive color inspiring warm and comforting feelings, a sense that everything will be okay. Studies have confirmed that exposure to large amounts of pink can have a calming effect on the nerves and create physical weakness in people. Violent and aggressive prisoners have been successfully calmed by placing them in a pink room for a specified amount of time. Exposure to – “, Reid started to ramble before Hotch cut him off.

“Spencer, I would love to listen, I really would. It has been so long since I have heard you ramble on about something, but I need to get going.” Hotch said as he straightened his tie and grabbed his briefcase.

Reid sat up all the way and give him a confused look, “Do we have a case?”

“Yes, JJ just called. It is local though so don’t worry.” Hotch walked to the bedroom door and checked his cell phone, “Garcia will be here any minute. She is going to help clean up the dinner I left out last night, make sure you eat and drive you to your psychologist's appointment. Afterword you will both come back to the office and help where you can. Okay?”

Reid huffed at the thought of his doctor’s appointment. “Garcia should be helping with the case. I can take the bus or train to the appointment.”

“It’s not on the bus or train line.”

“I could drive,” Reid said stubbornly.

“You know you hate driving. Listen, Garcia is happy to help, and we are having a different tech cover her until she gets back. Uhh.. Lynch, I think was his name, but I need to go. I will text you if anything changes.” Hotch gave Reid a warm smile and hovered for a moment, before leaving, locking the door behind him.

Reid heard the sound of the key locking the door and he had forgotten for a moment that he gave Hotch a spare key. Reid pulled himself out of bed. He slept fairly well, having only had a few nightmares, but was soothed quickly thanks to Hotch. They held each other all night. _I probably should stop asking Hotch to sleep in my bed, really holding each other... It must be weird for him. He is my boss after all, nothing more._ Reid didn’t even believe himself. He moved into the living room, looking around his empty apartment. Pieces of Hotch were everywhere he looked. From his sweater flung over the desk chair to his empty coffee mug sitting on the coffee table, without a coaster. _You would think a serious man as himself would remember to use a damn coaster._ He thought as he moved the coffee mug to the sink.

He found himself missing Hotch, even though he just left. _Just left.._ He looked around the empty room and felt himself start to panic. _Calm down. Pull yourself together.._ This was the first time in weeks that Reid was alone. No one was just a shout away, just behind a closed door. This was the first time in over a week that Hotch wasn’t in the same building as him. His breathing hitched, he started to shake. Before he knew it he was hyperventilating. _Panic attack.. First time I am alone, and I have a panic attack. Just my luck… Focus on taking deep breaths in and out through your mouth, feel the air, hold it, let it go slowly._ Reid tried to calm himself down, like he had done so many times before, but it wasn’t working.

His mind was getting cloudy and he felt like he was going to pass out. Without thinking he went over to his desk, grabbed his phone and called Hotch.

Within the first ring, Hotch answered, “Hotchner”. Reid tried to speak but he couldn’t get the air to make words. Luckily, Hotch looked at his phone and realized it was Reid and what was happening. “Spencer? Hey. Just breathe, okay, you are safe.” Reid listened to Hotch’s smooth voice and reassuring tones. He hates feeling so weak, having to rely on Hotch or his friends like this. He has always done things himself. His self-hatred didn’t help his panic attack but Hotch didn’t give up. “Are you listening, sweetie? Put your head between your legs. Breathe slowly.” Reid’s breathing started to slow and Hotch spoke. “Great job. You are safe. Now, I am going to call Garcia, but I am not hanging up, okay?”

Reid made a small hum to show that he understood and then he heard the line cutover. He put the phone on his desk and put it on speaker, leaning back in his desk chair, still trying to calm himself. After a minute the line cut back and he heard Hotch “Spencer? Are you still there?”

“Y—yeah..” Reid said, having his breathing more in control but not back to normal.

“Good, good. Garcia is pulling up right now. In a moment you will hear her tap on the door.” Just has Hotch said that he heard a light tap on the door. _Great.. I have gotten so bad they can’t even knock without being worried it will frighten me._ Reid thought as he went and opened the door.

“Oh, baby! I am sorry that I took so long! There was an accident on 64.” Garcia said, letting herself in.

“Spencer? Is that Garcia?” They heard Hotch from the speaker on Reid’s phone.

“Yes! Sorry I was late, sir!” Garcia yelled to the phone on the desk. Once the word “Sir” came from Garcia’s mouth Reid flinched and his breath picked back up some. “Oh God.. I am sorry, pumpkin. Let’s sit you back down.” Garcia said as she moved Reid to the sofa.

“Garcia, I just pulled up to the crime scene. I have to go. Do not hesitate to call. And Spencer, you are doing great. I will see you soon.” Hotch said before the line clicked off.

Garcia tried for several minutes to calm Reid down before he was breathing regularly again. “Why don’t you go take a shower and get dressed. I will clean up and make some breakfast.” Garcia said, rubbing his back softly. Reid nodded and went to his bedroom than the bathroom, shutting both doors behind him.

While he didn’t really want to shower, the warm water felt great on his skin. He looked down to his left arm, the rough jagged cuts were scabbed over and he hated how they looked. He hated how rushed and thoughtless they were. Despite hating the way his scarred body looked, he wanted to make more. He tried to push the thought into the back of his mind. He wasn’t going to head down that road. The road he was on when he was younger, cutting to start the day, to get through it, and to go to sleep. Sometimes without much reason behind it besides the itch. The need to feel the bite of the razor and see his blood.

He was able to calm himself down with the help of Hotch and Garcia. There was no reason for him to cut now.. But his skin burned for it. Reid thought about Dr. Winchester’s words when he saw her last. _“Do you wish to talk about what you replaced that addiction with?”_ She was right. He replaced one addiction with another. Unfortunately, he found it hard to care.

He stuck his face under the spray of water. Letting the beads of water hit him harshly and roll off. He tried to fight the feeling but struggled to find a reason not to give in. He quickly finished up his shower, wrapped a towel around his waist and moved to his bedroom. He grabbed his messenger bag and sat on the bed, quickly finding what he was looking for. He looked down at his left arm and placed the razor between two of the irregular cuts. He sliced at his skin neatly, creating crimson lines between the jagged lines he made the day before.

When he was done he looked at his arm and couldn’t help but let out a chuckle. It looked as if two different people made the cuts. One set was full of emotion, illogical. While the other set was made with sound precision. He was calm now and started to clean up his mess. He hated having to clean up his cuts, but he couldn’t go to work, or the psychologist, with blood leaking through his dress shirt. He moved back to the bathroom, taking the first aid items that Hotch supplied him with and dutifully cleaning and bandaging his arm.

He brushed his hair and teeth and then got dressed. He picked black slacks and a gray dress shirt. He looked through his ties and picked the pink one, smiling at the thought of Hotch in his purple tie right now. He layered a black, long sleeve, oxford sweater over top of the dress shirt and tie. It was a V-neck so only a few inches of the pink tie showed. He pulled his cuffs and collar outside of the sweater and walked into the living room.

Garcia was just placing his food and a mug of coffee, with a coaster, on the coffee table. “Looking good Boy Wonder! Here, I got you breakfast.” She said with a big smile. She moved back to the kitchen and brought his shake and his medication. “Here you go”

Reid took the medication and the movement sent a ting of pain through his left arm. He chuckled slightly at the thought of taking his anti-depressant. It clearly wasn’t working. “Thank you Garcia, you really didn’t have too.”

Garcia came back with her own coffee and breakfast. “Oh, it is no trouble pumpkin! You should get a dining room table though.”

“No need. I normally eat alone at my desk if I eat at home. If I got a dining room table, it would just be covered in books and papers.”

Garcia looked over at Reid’s desk, “But your desk is covered with books and papers..”

“Exactly,” Reid said with a laugh.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The two finished eating and made their way to the psychologist’s office. When they pulled up Reid noticed Garcia start to get out of the car, “Thank you for driving me Garcia but you don’t have to stay. The appointment is an hour long.”

She was already out of the car with her bag, “No way muffin! Hotch would lose his head. I have my laptop, don’t worry about me.”

Reid sighed but went into the building, checking himself in this time and having a seat in one of the plain wooden waiting room chairs. He tried not to squirm as the seat reminded him that his backside was not fully healed from Charles’s brutal rape less than half a month ago. It normally didn’t bother him but now he couldn’t escape it. The feeling made him think of things he didn’t want too, and he jumped out of the chair with a huff. Just then Dr. Winchester walked out to get him. “Spencer? Everything okay?”

“You need better waiting room chairs! How could anyone sit in these?” Reid yelled before turning and looking at Dr. Winchester. She held her calm exterior. “Sorry… I am… Still healing.” Reid mumbled out. Garcia’s face twisted when she realized what he meant.

“Don’t worry about it. You aren’t wrong, we do need better chairs.” Dr. Winchester said before turning to Garcia and sticking her hand out for a handshake, “Hi, I am Dr. Stephanie Winchester.”

“Oh hello! I am Penelope Garcia! I work with the Good Doctor here.” Garcia said, jumping up to shake her hand.

“It’s nice to meet you. No Aaron today?” She asked, looking back at Reid.

Reid shifted his weight from one leg to the other, still not happy about not being near Hotch. “No, we had a case come up”

“Will Penelope be joining us today?”

Reid quickly said “No”

Garcia leaned towards Reid, trying to be quiet as if she was telling him a secret, “I will be right here if you need me. Make sure to tell her about this morning. She might know something that can help.”

Reid just nodded and followed Dr. Winchester back to her office. Once they got in and sat down she started, “What happened this morning?” Reid rolled his eyes. He knew that Garcia hadn’t been quiet enough, but he didn’t think she would just ask right out of the gate. When Reid didn’t answer Dr. Winchester started again, “I will remind you, Spencer, I am only here to help, and I already have proven that I will not share information with anyone.”

Reid sighed and leaned against the armrest of the sofa, “I had a panic attack I guess.. Aaron had to leave for work early and I was alone in my apartment for the first time since I got back... I started to panic. I—I couldn’t breathe” Reid said, not meeting Dr. Winchester’s eyes. She sat quietly, letting him finish. “I called Aaron and he helped but..”

Reid stopped and thought about Hotch and how he spoke so calmly to him. _“Spencer? Hey. Just breathe, okay, you are safe...Are you listening, sweetie? Put your head between your legs. Breathe slowly…Great job. You are safe.” Sweetie.. Why did he call me that? I don’t think it is the first time either.._ Reid closed his eyes and dove into the depths of his eidetic memory, recalling other times he called him a pet name. _“Honey, he is gone. Please stop harming yourself. You are safe.” “Sweetie, you didn’t do anything wrong and you do not disgust anyone, okay?” “Spencer? Hey.. It is okay sweetie..” Does he only say that to calm me down? Is it a slip? Aaron isn’t the type of man that makes many mistakes… I—_

Reid’s thoughts were cut off by Dr. Winchester, “What is it? What are you caught up on?”

“I don’t understand something.. I called Aaron and he talked to me and got me to calm down some but.. he called me ‘sweetie’. Now that I am thinking about it.. he calls me pet names often when I am upset.” Reid said, his confusion written on his face.

Dr. Winchester wrote something down, “How does this make you feel?”

“Hmm.. I don’t know. It helps but it.. It makes me upset.”

“Why?” Dr. Winchester asked after it was clear that Reid wasn’t going to explain himself without being pushed.

Reid ran his hands through his still-damp hair, “I.. I don’t like the idea of him calling me those names just out of the convenience of it calming me down..”

“Then when would you like him to call you those names?” Dr. Winchester prodded.

Reid lets his eyes drift, looking around the room, thinking about the question. He really didn’t know. He never really put much thought into it. He remembered last night, how he held Hotch, how Hotch kissed his forehead.. _He kissed my forehead. Why would he.._ “He kissed my forehead last night.. I had been mad at him all day but when we went back to my place I apologized but started crying. He held me in my bed and when I was almost asleep, he moved my hair out of my face and kissed my forehead.”

If Dr. Winchester was surprised by that, she didn’t let it show. “What did you feel when he laid next to you and kissed your head?” Reid just looked down, clearly not sure what to say so Dr. Winchester rephrased her question. “Did he scare you, Spencer?”

“No.. Yesterday, I started back at work, and I was scared by everything. He made me jump a few times, but I wasn’t really scared of him.. I.. I kept seeing him everywhere. Charles, I mean. At least it felt like I was.. but when we got home I told Aaron and he said it was normal and he hugged me. He asked me if I was scared and.. I really wasn’t. It.. was nice.” Reid said, wrapping his arms around himself. He wasn’t planning on actually opening up to Dr. Winchester, but it just happened.

Dr. Winchester leaned back in her chair, clearly thinking about what she should say. “Spencer, have you thought of the possibility that you have feelings for Aaron?”

Reid looked shocked at the question, automatically saying “No! I am not gay.”

Dr. Winchester watched Reid’s reaction and made a leap, “Just because you were sexually abused by a man, doesn’t mean you aren’t gay. It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be gay or that he made you gay. Would you tell a woman that was sexually abused by a man that she shouldn’t be straight?” Reid shook his head no. “No, you wouldn’t. I am not telling you that you are or aren’t gay. Only you know what you are, but you shouldn’t let your past shape your future.”

Reid thought about this for a moment, he always struggled with the idea of being gay. Stephen was the only man he was with and even that took some time to get used to.. But Hotch.. “No way. I couldn’t.. He is my boss; he is straight, and he is just helping me out… There's this thing called transference—”

Dr. Winchester cut him off, “I know what transference is, that is not what this is. Also, sexuality is fluid. Just because you think he is into only women; doesn’t mean he actually is. I want you to think about something over the next few days, would he treat anyone else on your team the way he is treating you and would anyone else on your team treat you the way Aaron does now?”

Dr. Winchester started to write in her notebook while Reid thought about what she said. _If this was Morgan that was kidnapped, would Aaron stay in bed with him? Would he call him pet names and rub his head?..._

After a moment Dr. Winchester put her pen down and looked back at Reid, “I feel like you are leaving something out from this morning. What else happened?”

Reid looked up at Dr. Winchester, _Damn.. she is good…_ “Well.. Garcia was on her way to my place anyway and she got there within a few minutes of me calling Aaron, he called her and told her what was going on while he still had me on the phone. But when she got there she called Aaron, ‘Sir’.. Which picked my panic attack back up. It took a while to get calmed back down..”

“Why does that word bother you?”

Reid was glad that she didn’t use the actual word, but he was still feeling on edge. “Charles and.. my father. I had to call them that…” Reid started to shake, “I don’t want to talk about this.”

Dr. Winchester was writing more notes, it was starting to annoy Reid. He wanted to know what she was writing about him, “Don’t worry, Spencer. We don’t have to talk about anything that you are not ready too. What else happened this morning?”

“That was it. She calmed me down and I got dressed.” Reid said, not meeting her eyes again.

“Spencer.. I am not new at this. If you don’t want to talk about it then tell me that but there is no need to lie.” She said, taking a look at the clock. They didn’t have much longer.

Reid ran his fingers over his left arm, he wondered if she already knew just what he was going to say, what he did.. It made him feel so weak. He didn’t want to say what he did so instead he unbuttoned his left cuff and pushed his sleeve up to his elbow, displaying a large bloody bandage to the open air. He peeled the corner of the bandage off and leaned his arm forward, showing Dr. Winchester the mix of fresh clean crimson lines and older rough cuts.

Dr. Winchester didn’t falter. She didn’t even react. She just looked for a moment before looking back at his eyes, “Why do you think you did that?” Reid was both impressed and annoyed by her lack of reaction and too tired to know why. He was tired of having to talk. Tired of explaining his issues.

Reid put the bandage back on and lowered his sleeve, rebuttoning his cuff. “I.. I don’t know.”

The doctor rolled her chair over to the side of her desk, opening a drawer and pulling out what looked like a red elastic hair tie. “Here”, she said moving over to hand the item to Reid. “Put it on your wrist” He did what she said but had no idea what she was getting at. “Next time you feel the need to cut, snap that band on your wrist. It might help but be careful not to snap it on your wrist injury or other cuts. That would defeat the whole point.” Reid looked down at his wrist, moving the band just under his still healing handcuff injury and pulled the band back, snapping it on to his wrist. It stung but he didn’t think it would be enough when he needed it. He was willing to give it a try though. “Okay, Spencer. That is all the time we have for today. I am really proud of how you opened up some. Remember that you are not alone in this, okay?”

“Okay.. Thank you.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The last thing Reid remembered was getting into the car with Garcia but now she was waking him up. He opened his eyes and looked around; they were parked in the parking garage on the FBI building. “What happened?”

“Silly genius. You fell asleep once we took off. I stopped and grabbed lunch for everyone, and you never woke up. Here.” Garcia handed him a fancy looking Starbucks Frappuccino. “I called Hotch and he said this has enough calories to count for your meal shake, I know you don’t like drinking those in front of people.”

Reid took a sip from the drink and smiled widely. “Thank you, Garcia”. The two brought the food to the BAU round table room where the remainder of the team had been working all morning.

Reid set the bag of food he was carrying on the table and Morgan came over from the case board. “Hey Pretty Boy, nice pink tie. Everything go alright this morning?” He asked, walking over and digging through the bag of food.

Garcia smacked at his hand, “Hands off, let me divide it all up!”

“Ouch Momma, I’m hungry,” Morgan said, feigning an injury to his hand.

Reid laughed, “Hey Morgan, it went better than I thought actually. Where is Aar—Hotch?”

Morgan stopped grabbing his hand and gave Reid a big smile. “Glad to hear it, kid. He is in his office, go get him, I’ll get everyone else.”

Reid set his messenger bag in his regular chair and went to Hotch’s office. The door was shut and before he knocked he heard Rossi talking _“Any leads? Same here.. Nice purple tie by the way Aaron.”_

He heard a chuckle come from Hotch, _“Yeah, I really like it.”_

 _“Of course you do. It’s Reid’s.”_ Spencer froze when he heard Rossi say his name. Hotch must have given Rossi a look because he heard Rossi again, _“Oh come on. You can’t expect me not to notice how you look at him. Just be careful, Aaron.”_ Then he heard Hotch’s phone ring and he answered.

 _How he looks at me? What does that even mean? Damnit.._ Reid thought to himself before reaching down and snapping his band a few times on his wrist. It did seem to take some of the edge off. He took a deep breath before knocking on the door.

“Come in” He heard Hotch yell. Reid walked in and smiled when he saw Hotch, who hadn’t looked up yet. “Yes. I understand.” He said before hanging up the phone and looking up. Once he saw Reid a large smile plastered on his face. “Oh, Spencer. Did you have a good appointment?”

“Yes, actually. Dr. Winchester is quite talented. Garcia picked up lunch for everyone, it’s in the round table room.” Reid said. He noticed Hotch look down at the few inches of visible pink tie under his oxford and he chuckled. 

“Pink, huh? I guess it does look pretty good.” Hotch said closing a file and taking it with him to the round table room. Rossi followed a comfortable distance behind.

Once they were in the room Reid picked up his coffee, took a sip and stood by the side desk where the case files were. He grabbed a file and started to read it, letting his hand stream down the page as he took in the words. Flipping papers every few seconds then moving on to a new file. Everyone was used to Reid’s speed reading, but it was the first time Rossi was seeing it, “Is this kid serious? There is no way he is reading all of those that fast.”

“I told you yesterday that he can read 20,000 words per minute,” Hotch said

Emily, who was sitting at the table now, laughed, “It is one thing to hear about how fast he can read and another to see it. When I first joined I thought they were playing a joke on me.”

Reid stopped flipping and started looking at the crime scene photos. The team started to eat, letting Reid catch up on the case for a few minutes before they make him eat too. They all look over when they hear a snapping sound, like a rubber band. Reid was standing, holding a file with his left hand and snapping his red band with his right, staring intensely at the crime scene photos.

JJ looked at Hotch as if she was asking him what to do with her eyes. He just shook his head slowly, telling her not to say anything. Hotch stood up and walked over to Reid, “Spencer? You doing okay?”

“The Unsub is a sexual sadist. The symbolism of stabbing them probably means he's impotent. The only way he can get off is by killing. Considering that cutting their hair and killing during the early morning both stem from feeling powerless, there's a chance his pathology's more than sexual. He probably feels impotent in his professional life as well. It is more then that though.” Reid said, moving to the board, “Each victim’s hair was roughly cut but this one section is cut almost to the scalp in all three victims. It has to mean something..” Reid said before he started snapping his band again.

The team looked dumbfounded. None of them had noticed the section of hair that was shorter in all three victims. Hotch grinned, “Great work. Garcia will start her search once she is done eating. Come sit.” Reid didn’t move, just stayed staring at the board, snapping his band. Hotch knew this was a diversion method for cutting but he still wasn’t happy with it. He could see Reid’s skin turning bright red. He moved over and placed a hand on Reid’s shoulder, smiling when he didn’t flinch but just looked up, “Hey. You need to eat. Come on.”

Reid gave a smile back and sat down next to Hotch. His food was already set out in front of him and to everyone’s surprise, he started to eat without complaint.

After everyone finished eating they got back to work. Garcia quickly found a case in Northern Virginia where a body was found of a young woman who had a section of hair missing in the same area as the three victims due to a birthmark. Reid worked on a geographical profile and was able to narrow down an area, which narrowed down the suspect pool to a man that worked on capital hill, near where the victims were found. Plus he had recently moved from Northern Virginia. They had an arrest and a full confession within two hours of locating him.

Reid was happy that the case was over and that he was able to help so much but he couldn’t get what happened earlier out of his head. The crazy idea that he might have feelings for Hotch and the even crazier idea that Hotch might have feelings for him in return. He thought about his options and concluded that he should stop pretending that this thing between him and Hotch was something it wasn’t. _He is just a co-worker and he does not have feelings for me. How could he? I am disgusting, used, dirty, too thin, too geeky, too scarred, too fucked up.. I need to stop this act before it ends up hurting more in the end. He is only staying with me because the doctor told him too. He only sleeps in my bed because I ask him. He is just trying to comfort my weak self.._ So Reid decided he was going to stop the whole thing by backing himself away from Hotch.

So he did just that. When they got home that evening, Reid didn’t acknowledge Aaron besides what he had to in order to be friendly. He started calling him Hotch again and asked him to sleep on the sofa instead of in his bed. Hotch did what Reid wanted without question. The last thing he was going to do was push his boundaries with Reid. But it hurt, it hurt them both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you might have noticed that this is now part of a series, Try again, Fail again. Fail better (hat tip to those that caught that quote from the pilot). I had a few people ask for me to include more about Reid's father and all that jazz. Once this story is done, which is getting close, I am going to go straight into the next story that will be on this series. It will be focused around episodes 04x06 and 04x07, similar to how this fic focused on 02x15, and will dive into Reid's past and whatnot. I am looking forward to it. Make sure to subscribe to the series for updates on it.  
> Kudos, Subscribe, and Comment, please!


	29. Why?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Self-harm, past sexual abuse.

By Friday, Hotch didn’t know what he did or what he should do. It was the third day of Reid shutting Hotch out and he couldn’t take it anymore. He woke up that morning on Reid’s sofa, the same place he had been sleeping since Tuesday night. Reid was shutting his bedroom door at night and he never heard the young man wake up from nightmares. It also didn’t look like Reid was sleeping much at all. Not that he would talk about it. The young man stopped talking to Hotch all together unless it was to quickly answer a question or share something necessary for work.

Hotch didn’t want to push Reid’s limits but he was getting worried. He thought he was getting somewhere with Reid. He was opening up to him, letting him be there for him but now, nothing. He was worried that he might have done something wrong, but he had yet to ask him about it. If Hotch had anything, it was patience, but it was driving him nuts.

That morning he got dressed in the guest bathroom, saddened by his own boring black tie he was wearing, and moved to make breakfast. Even if Reid was withdrawing from Hotch, he was still going to help in the same ways as he always did. A few minutes after turning the coffee maker on Reid came out of the bedroom. Dark circles and bags hung under his eyes. He looked as if he hadn’t slept all night. “Good morning, sit. I will have our coffee and breakfast out in a minute” Hotch said, still trying to keep a cheerful look, despite being upset.

Reid sat down at his desk chair and said “Thanks” in a low mumble. He had been eating at his desk instead of by Hotch at the coffee table lately as well. Hotch came over a minute later with his breakfast, meal shake, coffee, and medication. He said, “Thank you Hotch”, took his medicine, and started to pick at his breakfast.

Hotch tried not to profile Reid but it came so naturally. He sat down in one of the wingback chairs with his breakfast and couldn’t help but watch Reid, trying to figure out what the issue was. Reid was wearing mostly black except for his slightly oversized brown cardigan. His outfit was much darker than Reid normally dressed. His eyes were red, bloodshot. He looked as if he had been crying. He wasn’t sure by looking at him how much of his thin body was marred by self-harm cuts at this point. He has seen Reid snapping his red band a lot over the last few days and he hoped that it was helping.

It hurt his heart to watch Reid hurt like this. While he knew he was falling head over heels for the young man, he didn’t care about his own feelings. He just wanted Reid to be happy and comfortable. Even if he never got to hold Reid again, it didn’t matter, as long as Reid was happy. But he wasn’t. Hotch sighed, finally giving in, “Spencer? Did I do something wrong?”

Hotch didn’t expect Reid to answer but a small “No” came from Reid.

 _Well, I guess that is a start.._ Hotch thought to himself. “What is it then? Why have you been shutting me out? Am I scaring you?”

Reid stood up, gathering his barely eaten breakfast and coffee mug and started to the kitchen. Once Reid was in the kitchen he said “No.” again, just loud enough for Hotch to hear.

 _So.. I didn’t do anything wrong and he isn’t scared of me…I guess that is good, but I don’t get this.._

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once the two arrived at work they went their separate ways. Reid went straight for his desk and started working on paperwork and Hotch went into his office. Before he shut the door Rossi was inviting himself in. “What is going on?” he asked shutting the door behind him.

Hotch knew that he was talking about Reid, but he still asked, “What do you mean?”

“You and the kid. What happened? He is barely talking, looks like he stopped sleeping and he is ignoring you whenever possible.” Rossi asked, sitting down on the sofa in the office. 

“I don’t know”. Hotch said loudly. He was so frustrated, and it was showing in his normally calm voice.

Rossi just looked at Hotch, “You must kno—"

Hotch cut him off, “I have no idea what is going on! Tuesday he said he had a good appointment, we all worked on the case and it was fine. At some point, it was like a switch was flipped. He started to ignore me, call me Hotch again, and told me several times that he didn’t need me there… He even asked me to sleep on the sofa again instead of his bed with him.”

Rossi looked a bit confused at finding out that Hotch was sharing a bed with Reid, but he didn’t bring it up. He could see that Hotch was hurting, “Is it possible that his doctor said something that got to him?”

“I really don’t know. He has another appointment this afternoon. As long as we don’t get a case I am going to go with him” Hotch said, pinching the bridge of his nose and taking a seat in his office chair. He shot a look at Rossi as if he was telling him to leave.

Rossi caught the hint and stood up, “I also wanted to remind you that I have court in an hour. It shouldn’t take more than an hour or two.” Hotch nodded but he had completely forgotten.

As Rossi was going to leave, JJ knocked on the door and cracked it. “Sir, we have a case. Colby, Kansas.” Hotch extended his hand for the case file.

“Colby, Kansas?” Rossi asked, “I have been through Kansas a few times and I am pretty sure that is a really small town.” Rossi thought for a moment before sticking his head outside of Hotch’s office door. He yelled down to the bullpen, “Reid. What is the population of Colby, Kansas?

Reid jumped but didn’t look up, recognizing Rossi’s voice. He said, “5,387” loud enough to reach Rossi.

Rossi smiled and went back in the office, “Smart kid.”

“That is why they are asking for help. They have had three disappearances in the last three weeks, but no bodies have shown up. They have, however, received several cryptic computer files after each disappearance. They don’t have the manpower or resources to figure this out.”

“Damnit.” Hotch said under his breath, “I will need Garcia to come with us on this one.”

JJ looked confused, “Yes, I thought so as well.. Why is that a bad thing?”

“Reid,” Hotch said quietly. They were lucky that Wednesday they didn’t have a case and while they had an assumed kidnapping of the governor’s wife on Thursday, it was only a few hours away and turned out to be a hoax. The wife showed up an hour after they arrived, having made up the whole thing. Hotch knew that they would soon get a case that would leave Reid alone for a few days, but he didn’t think it would be within the first week of having him back at work. He remembered that Strauss said he could travel with them if needed but he also needed to go to his psychologist’s appointment.

“Oh.. You know I would offer to stay with him, I wouldn’t mind but the details of this case have already been leaked to the media. I believe I might be necessary in the field..” JJ said

“No.. You need to come.. I—” Hotch started before Rossi cut him off

“Aaron, I have to stay behind anyway. I can take him to his appointment, and he can spend the night at my house. I have several guest rooms and there is no way I am sleeping on the kid’s sofa.” Rossi said with a chuckle.

Hotch thought about this for a minute before looking up at JJ, “Can you get everyone in the round table room?”

Once JJ left Hotch started with Rossi, “I am not sure about that Dave..”

“It’s not a big deal.”

Hotch looked deep in thought, “It’s not that.. Reid has some issues that you should be aware of if you are going to help him the next few days.”

“You told me what happened in Georgia. I have dealt with victims of kidnapping, torture, and sexual abuse before. It will be fine.” Rossi said

Hotch cringed slightly when Rossi called Reid a victim. They all know that is what he is now, but it was strange hearing it out loud. “Reid is not a typical case. This has brought up some old issues for him.”

Rossi looked slightly annoyed, “It will be fine, Aaron.”

Hotch had clearly had enough of Rossi not listening to him. Hotch got up and shut the door, so no one would overhear him. “Fine Dave. Since you don’t think it is a big deal then I will make this quick and just give you the rundown. Reid was drugged when he was kidnapped, he continued using after he came home. While he has stopped using now, he replaced that addiction with self-harm. He is frequently cutting different areas of his body, mostly his thighs but it has also been his left arm and stomach. His rape from Hankel triggered his past trauma of sexual abuse from his own father. While he hasn’t done it lately, the stress from the kidnapping is causing a conditioned response to show back up when he is awoken from a nightmare or when he is scared by an older male.”

Hotch paused for a moment, taking in Rossi’s concerned face. “Put frankly, this means that he will try and.. offer himself to you. He might try and give you oral or pull his pants down and bend over. He isn’t all the way there when he does this and doesn’t always remember. He also can be combative if touched, really during a nightmare. And do not say “Sir” around him.” Hotch stopped, holding his eye contact on Rossi.

Rossi huffed and ran his hands through his hair. “I didn’t know, Aaron. I have seen him snap that red band of his, but I didn’t think he was actually cutting himself.. and the rest..”

Hotch nodded but remained as stoic as ever, “He also refuses to eat at times and needs a meal replacement shake three times a day. If you don’t make him eat, he won’t. He is doing better now that he is on an appetite stimulant, but he is still underweight and vomits often. Tell me now if you don’t think you can watch him, and I will make different arrangements.” Hotch said, moving to his office door, case file in hand. 

“I understand your concern, Aaron, but I assure you that it will be alright. I will call you if anything comes up. I do need to get going now.”

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Rossi and Reid are staying behind on this one and Garcia you are coming with. Wheels up in 30.” Hotch said at the end of the briefing. They needed to get a move on it if they were going to stop the unsub before he kidnapped another woman.

Reid gave Hotch a sour look, “Why can’t I go? Strauss said I could travel with you all as long as I stay in the field office.” Reid’s clear exhaustion was making him sound childlike and whiny.

Hotch gave a look to Emily and JJ, who were still lingering in the room. They understood and made their way out of the room. “Spencer, you will be staying with Dave while we go on this case.”

Reid jumped up, “No Hotch! That is not fair!”

“Spencer—”

Hotch tried to interrupt but he didn’t stop, “I am doing just fine! I do not need a babysitter!”

“Spencer, stop—”

“No! I barely even know Rossi! If you are that worried than I should come along so you can babysit me yourself!”

“Stop Reid—"

“You are probably just trying to get away from me, huh? Sick of me being around. I—”

“Reid, stop!” Hotch yelled making Reid flinch but he finally stopped. He heard footsteps at the door but ignored them. “Listen, Spencer. That isn’t true at all. You are going to stay with Rossi because you can’t miss your psychologist's appointment today and I can’t stay. We both know that you haven’t been yourself in the last few days and you need to talk to your doctor about it.”

“I am fine! I haven’t needed you once in the past few days!” Reid yelled.

“No, you haven’t _asked_ for me and I have been respecting your space. It is clear that you aren’t sleeping, and you are barely eating. You are not fine, which is okay. You are still healing… I just don’t understand why you are distancing yourself from me, but this isn’t healthy.”

Reid huffed, “What do you care? I am not your responsibility Agent Hotchner so stop pretending like you give a damn!”

Hotch was genuinely shocked. He had no idea where this was coming from. Of course, he cared, he was falling in love with the young man in front of him no matter how much he tried to stop it. Over the past few days, he thought so much about what might have caused Reid to pull away from him, but he couldn’t think of anything. All he could remember was Monday Reid was mad at him about the copy of the stream from his kidnapping, but he was fine by that night. They held each other, he even kissed Reid’s forehead, which made him smile. Suddenly he remembered the last thing that Gideon said, “ _And Aaron… Be careful with him. If you take care of him like a father then he might blindly do whatever you say but if you take care of him like a lover then he might push you away.” Fuck. Is that what has happened? Was I too close so he is denying that I care about him?_ Hotch thought as he looked at Spencer. He was shaking and looked seconds away from crying. The sight almost made Hotch cry himself.

He walked a little closer to Reid, just close enough to reach forward and hold his hands in his own. Reid tugged slightly away but the effort wasn’t there. He was clearly touch-starved and wanted to be held. Hotch looked down at his pale slim hands with delicate long fingers. He loved watching his hands move around whenever he spoke, ambidextrous hands that he would alternate while writing, sometimes using them both at the same time. But now, they were always tapping, nervous hands. As Hotch looked at his hands he noticed his too large sleeves left room to see the dull red scars that circled Reid’s wrists from Hankel. He could see the red band sitting on top of deep bruising that Reid had given himself from constantly snapping it. He could just barely see the top of white bandage on the inside of his arm.

Hotch sighed, looking back up at Reid’s eyes. It broke Hotch’s heart to see how sad Reid looked, really if this was all caused because he showed Reid a tiny bit of affection. “Spencer.. I care. I care more than you know. Please do not withdraw from me just because you are scared that I am doing this because you think you are my responsibility and nothing more. You are my responsibility at work, what I do outside of work is my own choice.” Hotch watched Reid’s face react to what he was saying, and he knew his guess was right.

Hotch rubbed circles on the back of Reid’s hands with his thumbs. “If I do something you aren’t comfortable with or don’t like, just tell me. If you don’t want me to stay with you and you would rather have Morgan or Garcia then tell me but please, I can’t stand you shutting me out like this..” Tears welled in Hotch’s eyes and he knew that Reid saw them but no matter how much he tried to blink them away, they were still there.

Suddenly Reid pulled Hotch forward into a hug. It was quick but enough. It said what his words weren’t. That he was going to try. Reid pulled away, gave Hotch a shy smile, and walked back to the bullpen. While Hotch just stood there, trying to regain his composure, he heard someone walk in the room. Turning around he saw Morgan, “How long have you been standing there?” Hotch asked, realizing that Morgan was probably the one he heard earlier.

“Pretty much the whole time. I almost ran in when I heard you yell. Sorry for eavesdropping, it’s just—”

Hotch cut Morgan off, “I get it. You are a good friend to him.”

Morgan grinned, “Come on, the jet is waiting.”

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Despite his protest, by Friday afternoon the team was already in Kansas without him and he was sitting in Rossi’s passenger seat on the way to Dr. Winchester. Reid was on edge, if it wasn’t apparent by his constant stimming. He didn’t like the idea of being alone with Rossi. He trusted the man enough, knowing his impressive background starting the BAU and later to be a famous author, but he was still uneasy. He wasn’t sure if it was because he didn’t know him well, if he was scared of the older alpha male or if it was how much he reminded him of Gideon. No matter what it was, he couldn’t get his mind to stop. Hotch had been right, he hadn’t been sleeping..

Reid learned quickly that Rossi was a man of few words. They drove in silence. The only time he spoke was to confirm the address of the doctor’s office. When they pulled up to the office, Reid reminded Rossi, just as he did with Garcia, that he didn’t have to come inside but he just mumbled, “I know, kid.” And walked in with him.

Reid checked himself in and when he went to take a seat in one of the painful wooden chairs he noticed that all of the waiting room chairs were now decorated with tan seat cushions, the same color as Dr. Winchester’s office couch. He couldn’t help but smile as he sat in the much more comfortable seat.

Dr. Winchester came out within just a few minutes and Reid jumped up, “There are cushions!” he said, his voice still sounding childlike and tired.

Dr. Winchester smiled, “Yes Spencer. I went and got them Tuesday afternoon”. Reid gave her a wide smile, the first time he had really smiled all day. “I am glad you like them. So, who is this?” Dr. Winchester said looking at Rossi.

Rossi stood up and extended his hand for a shake, “David Rossi, nice to meet you, Dr. Winchester.” Reid watched Dr. Winchester’s eyes light up for a split second as she recognized Rossi but then they died back down, showing little emotion as they typically did. She said hello and they made their way to the office.

Once he sat down she said, “You look like you haven’t been sleeping, Spencer. Care to tell me about it?”

“Nothing to tell. I just haven’t been sleeping.” Reid said plainly. He was still not used to actually talking to Dr. Winchester, or anyone for that matter, about his personal issues.

“Is Aaron no longer sharing a bed with you?”

Reid sighed, “No.. I asked him to sleep on the sofa again.. I don’t want to talk about him.” Reid was still confused about how he felt about Hotch.

“We can talk about something else if you want but I think it is important we talk about Aaron. Tuesday I asked you to think about something. ‘Would he treat anyone else on your team the way he is treating you and would anyone else on your team treat you the way Aaron does now?’ Did you think about that?” Dr. Winchester asked

Reid looked down. He had thought about it, but he didn’t want to know the answer. He couldn’t accept the fact that he was falling in love with his boss and he truly didn’t believe that Hotch could ever love him back. Reid reached for his red band to snap it but stopped, not wanting to do that in front of his doctor.

Dr. Winchester saw the movement, “You can snap your band if you need to Spencer, but I would rather you talk about your feelings. That is why you are here.” Reid rolled his eyes at her comment but reached back and started snapping his band. “That is quite a bruise you have there. You were not supposed to use that to the point of actually hurting yourself. Why don’t you switch it to your other wrist, so it won’t do more damage.”

Reid didn’t answer, he just moved his sleeve up a fraction to show Dr. Winchester the large bruising on his other wrist. This also accidentally showed her a few cuts he had on the inside of his right arm. She just nodded as he put his sleeve back down. He wasn’t sure how much the band was actually helping as much as it was just a distraction that postponed the inevitable.

“Well Spencer, something has clearly happened over the past three days. I believe it has to do with Aaron. Can we talk about it?” Still, Reid remained quiet. His mind was fighting with his mouth. He wanted to speak but didn’t have the energy. “Has he hurt you?” Dr. Winchester asked, actually looking a little concerned.

“No. Not at all..” Reid mumbled out, surprised by his own voice.

Dr. Winchester nodded, “Okay, did you hurt him?” she asked as nicely as possible.

Reid lets his mind drift back to this morning when he saw the tears in Hotch’s eyes from accusing him of not caring. “I think I did.. I didn’t mean to though.” Dr. Winchester gave Reid a look telling him to keep going and Reid huffed. “I have been pushing him away. I realized I needed to stop this act before it ends up hurting more in the end.. That him being this nice to me is only temporary and soon he will have to go back home, and it will all stop… So instead of waiting until he pushes me away. I pushed him away first.”

Dr. Winchester studied Reid’s behavior, “You are clearly hurting from this. Have you two talked about it?”

“Not really.. I told him to sleep on the sofa and he just did. I showed that I needed space and he just gave it to me. This morning he finally asked if he did something wrong… At work, we got into an argument over a case. The team was called to Kansas, but he told me I wasn’t to come. I accused him of just wanting to get away from me and not caring and me.. and he looked as if he was about to break down and cry right there in the conference room.. I don’t know… I don’t want to talk about this.” Reid said, tapping his fingers on his knee repeatedly.

Dr. Winchester wrote something down, “Well thank you for sharing what you did even though you didn’t want to discuss it. I want you to think about something else, is Aaron the type of man to pretend about anything?” The doctor let the question hang in the air for a moment before continuing. “You mentioned that Aaron and your team are on a case in Kansas. Will you be staying by yourself until they get back?”

“No.. I have to stay with Rossi..”

“Is that a bad thing?” Dr. Winchester asked

“I—I don’t know.. I don’t know him that well. He just rejoined the team this week and I haven’t worked with him before..” Reid said he was looking nervous.

“Does he scare you? Are you nervous about being alone with him?” Dr. Winchester asked

Reid rubbed his face with his hands. He wasn’t really sure of the issue. He knew that Rossi reminded him of Gideon, which made him feel a little uneasy, but he also knew that most men generally scared him right now. “Sometimes men just scare me right now..” Reid said, thinking about how he was scared of Morgan, despite having no reason to be scared of his best friend. He trusts him with his life.

Dr. Winchester looked at her notes. She remembered how Reid used the word ‘bad’ during their first session. Such an elementary word pointed the doctor to childhood trauma, so she ran with it. “Are you worried that they will think you are bad?” Reid quickly drew in air and froze. He was already starting to shake. “Who told you that you were bad, Spencer?”

Reid pulled his legs up to his chest, making himself into a small ball on the tan sofa. “I don’t want to talk about this,” Reid mumbled; tears were already forming in his eyes.

“Spencer.. You didn’t want to talk about Aaron either, but you did, and it helped.. Who told you that you were bad? What did he do when you were bad?” Dr. Winchester probed.

Reid started sobbing and tucked his head into his knees, “S-stop, please. I—I c-c-an’t talk a-about it.”

“Who told you not to talk about it? What happens if you do?” Dr. Winchester pressed.

“H-he w-will hurt her! I can’t tell anyone!” Reid yelled into his knees, holding himself tightly into a ball as he sobbed

The doctor knew he was so close to saying what he needed to get off his chest, “Who, Spencer? Who?”

“My father! He is going to kill her! Stop!” Reid screamed and hit himself on the head a few times.

Calmly Dr. Winchester got up and sat next to Reid on the sofa, “He is not going to hurt her, Spencer. She is safe. You protected her.”

“No.. No.. No… I was bad.. I need— I need to show him I can be good..” Reid continued to yell and cry

Dr. Winchester already knew the answer to the question, but she needed Reid to say it. He needed to work through this. “How do you show him you are good?”

Suddenly Reid shot his head up from his lap and covered his mouth. Dr. Winchester understood the movement and grabbed her trashcan just in time for Reid to vomit into it. Vomiting turned to dry heaves before he passed out on Dr. Winchester’s sofa. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This week is finals for my college, which is just annoying because I really want to finish this fic up so I can move to the next in the series but I won't have as much time as I want.  
> Leave me feedback, please! Things you like, don't like, want to see, etc. Kudos and Sub :D


	30. Baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: mention of self-harm, eating issues

When Reid woke up he didn’t understand where he was, and he was trying not to panic. He was in a strange bed with nice royal blue sheets, clearly not his own. The room was well decorated, reminded him of an upscale hotel room. The lights were off and there was little light coming from the window. _Is it already nighttime? What the hell happened?_ Reid thought before noticing that he wasn’t wearing a shirt or shoes but was still wearing his work pants and socks. Reid looked to the right and saw that the door to the room was open and he could hear someone talking.

 _“No, he is fine... You do not need to fly back Aaron.”_ Reid heard from down the hall. _Aaron? Is that someone talking to Hotch?_ He thought to himself, trying to listen closely. _“I understand you are worried, but he will be fine. Dr. Winchester said it was just a panic attack and since he hasn’t been sleeping, his body basically forced him to rest”_ It finally clicked for Reid that it was Rossi he was hearing on the phone with Hotch. _“I will get him to text or call you, okay?.... No, I doubt he is still mad…. I am sure he won’t ignore you still…. Fine fine. Bye.”_

Reid laid his head back on the pillow and covered his face with his hands. _Shit.. Aaron really sounded upset.. again.._ He felt so guilty for pushing Hotch away. Hotch was clearly worried and hurting about it. Reid reached over to snap his red band and found it missing. It wasn’t on either one of his wrists. Not only that, but the bandage he had over a section of his cuts on his forearm was also replaced with a new bandage. Reid ignored the embarrassment of Rossi learning about his cutting and climbed out of bed and started to look around the room for his messenger bag and shirt. Neither one was in the room. _Damnit.. Now I have to go out there and face Rossi.._ Reid thought as he peeked around the corner of the door frame, still shirtless. He wasn’t sure if it was his returning modesty or scarred body, but he was not comfortable being shirtless, not that he had an option.

He walked into the hallway and was met with a long hallway of doors. The place was huge and upscale. He knew that Rossi made a fair amount of money from his book sales, but this wasn’t just a house, it was a mansion. He walked down the hall towards where he thought he heard Rossi on the phone. Peeking into doors, he couldn’t find Rossi or a way downstairs. When he got to the door at the end of the hall he heard something.

Out of the blue Reid was knocked over by a large hound dog jumping on him with a friendly bark. Reid let out a squeal as he roughly fell on his butt, sending a sharp pain up his spine. “Mudgie! No! Shoo!” Rossi yelled, coming out of the last room. “Hey, kid. Glad to see you up” Rossi looked down at Reid on the floor and chuckled, “so to speak at least”.

Reid could feel his cheeks heat up as he started to blush. He stood himself up and grimaced in pain, rubbing his backside. He was strangely glad that Rossi didn’t ask him if he was okay or help him up. “Where is my shirt? He blurted out, remembering he was still half-naked.

“You don’t remember?” Rossi asked. “Well, you threw up and passed out in Dr. Winchester’s office. After you were awake enough I moved you to my car, in which you proceeded to vomit in and all over yourself. I took your shirt off in the car and carried you upstairs.” Rossi said plainly.

Reid looked at the slightly shorter, older man, “You carried me?”

“Oh, don’t look so surprised!” Rossi said, standing up a little straighter. “Plus, you barely weigh more than my dog,” Rossi said before walking down the hall, to a grand staircase, Reid following. He was looking around the large house in amazement. He scanned the room, trying to take in every detail. He was surprised at how modern it looked. Compared to Rossi’s décor, Reid’s apartment looked like it should have been the home to a depressed 60-year-old college professor. 

On the brand-new looking sofa sat Reid’s go-bag and messenger bag. Rossi handed Reid his go bag, “I had Agent Anderson bring this over from work. You probably should put your go bag in a safer place then under your desk.” Reid took the bag and reached over for his messenger bag as well. “Go, shower kid, I am going to make some dinner.” Rossi turned around and started walking towards the kitchen before yelling, “I hope you like Italian!”

Reid made his way upstairs with his bags, finding the room he was in when he woke up. He was glad when he found that it had its own on-suite bathroom because he had no idea where a different bathroom would be. He put his bags on the oversized marble bathroom counter and looked at himself in the mirror. It suddenly occurred to Reid that Rossi never mentioned the damage on his body or even looked at him with pity or fear, as the rest of his team had done. _Aaron handled my scars well, Morgan and Emily tried, and JJ and Garcia were horrified. Rossi didn’t even look twice. He had to have seen my back, my stomach.. my arms.. He didn’t look as I was walking around, but he wasn’t obviously avoiding looking either._ Reid thought before taking a quick shower.

When he got out of the shower he opened his go bag and the first thing he saw was Hotch’s t-shirt. He recognized it as one he had seen the older man sleep in. _I didn’t put this here.. I wonder if Aaron put it in my bag by mistake.._ He pressed it against his face, loving how it smelt like Aaron. _Sandalwood and coffee.. Would it be weird if I wore it? It’s short sleeve.. I should probably cover my arms.._ Reid thought for a moment before putting the shirt on anyway. _Rossi didn’t seem to mind my scars and I think I have hit the maximum level of embarrassment one can take in a day.._

Reid wrapped his arms around himself, feeling the softness of the shirt. It was a dull blue from over wear and had a slogan for some bike race a few years ago. It hung off of his lithe frame. The loose neck caught on his shoulder, hanging off, showing a pale red lash that wrapped around his back to the top of his shoulder. He tried to fix it but found that he didn’t care what he looked like. He pulled on his boxers and some lounge pants before he thought about rebandaging the cuts on his arm, so he went into his messenger bag. He went right for his small first aid pack, only to find it gone. Reid thrashed around his bag before dumping it out on the gray tiled floor. His red first aid kit, which held his razor blade, was gone.

Reid jumped up and rushed down the stairs to the kitchen. Rossi was standing there in front of a pot of boiling pasta. He didn’t even raise an eyebrow to Reid rushing in. “Where are they?” Reid said loudly, slightly out of breath from rushing through the large house.

“Where is what, kid?” Rossi said

“My...” Reid paused, not wanting Rossi to know about the razor, “My first aid kit. It wasn’t in my bag.” Reid said. His anger had died down due to his shame.

Rossi looked almost bored, “There are first aid items under the sink in your bathroom if you need them. Let me know if you need help.” Rossi said, turning back to the stove.

“No. I need mine. Where is it?” Reid asked

Rossi huffed and turned back around, “I took it, kid. Your red band too. Now have a seat, dinner will be ready in a minute.” Rossi said as he moved to drain the pasta.

Reid was dumbfounded at how nonchalant Rossi was being. It just fueled his anger, “You went through my things? You had no right! I need them back!” Reid yelled. While he hadn’t felt the need to cut, he knew he would later, and he needed his razor and band.

Rossi let his eyes drift over Reid’s arms, making sure Reid noticed, before looking back up at his eyes, “No. You don’t.”

Reid crossed his arms, trying to make some attempt to hide his cut and scar covered arms. Over the past few days, he had taken his emotions out on his arms, they were both lined with cuts that started a few inches away from his wrist and went up to his elbow. “I do! Dr. Winchester said—”

Rossi cut Reid off, “I don’t give a damn what she said.” His voice was stern but not angry or loud. “You don’t need it. You are strong, Spencer. I will give you the band back, but I am not giving you your razor blade. You will find that your shaving razor is also gone.”

“You don’t even know me! You can’t treat me like a child!” Reid yelled.

“I am not treating you like a child. I am treating you like an adult that needs help.” Rossi said before rubbing his hand through his beard. “Aaron might let you do this to yourself because he was told it was what was best but it’s not. How could allowing you to harm yourself be the best?” Rossi said, starting to sound a little frustrated.

Reid was beyond frustrated. “Better than killing myself..” Reid mumbled as he turned around and started to walk away.

“What did you just say?” Rossi almost yelled, stopping Reid in his tracks. Rossi moved to Reid and looked him dead in the eyes. “Spencer, are you suicidal?” Reid just looked down. He really didn’t know how to respond. He wasn’t actively trying or planning to kill himself, but he had times that he really did just want to die. _What even is that? High-functioning suicidal?_ Reid thought to himself but didn’t answer. Rossi’s face softened but was still full of worry. “Kid, sit. Let’s get you something to eat.” Rossi said, gesturing Reid to the table.

Reid felt defeated. He understood how Rossi was able to create and last so long in the BAU. The man was so calm yet could be stern without being forceful. He reminded him of Gideon in so many ways but pushed that thought out of his head. He didn’t want to think of Gideon. He was still angry at the older man for leaving the way he did.

Rossi placed a plate of shrimp scampi linguine in front of Reid before going back and bringing out a meal replacement shake and medicine. Reid didn’t even want to know how he managed to get his hands on his shakes and medication in such short notice. As he went to take his medicine he noticed it was different. “Rossi, what is this?”

The older man carried his plate to the large kitchen table to join Reid. “Oh, it’s a higher dosage of Prozac and Doxepin instead of Clonidine.”

“Why? Dr. Winchester didn’t say anything about switching my medication.”

“That’s because I am sure you never told her you were taking medicine,” Rossi said looking at Reid’s reaction to see if he was correct or not. “I called your PCP, Dr. Brewer.”

Reid jumped up, “You had no right!”

“Calm down, kid. I told her what was going on and she said she couldn’t talk to me about it but she would send new medicine to your pharmacy and it was up to you if you wanted to take it.” Rossi said, starting to eat his food, not reacting to Reid’s anger. Reid’s anger died down again at Rossi’s calm disposition. He sat back down and looked over the medicine. “The Doc also wants one of us to call and tell her your weight so she can adjust your Periactin as needed. We will weigh you after dinner.” The use of the word ‘we’ wasn’t lost on Reid. He wasn’t even allowed to weigh himself alone.

Reid picked at his meal and took small sips of his shake. He just didn’t feel like eating. Reid was feeling uneasy to say the least. He felt like a child. Rossi carried him to bed, called his doctor, had his meds switched, took away anything he had that was sharp and made him dinner. He was even treating him with kindness when he yelled. Reid both hated and loved it. It was different then how Aaron took care of him, which was full of love and understanding. Rossi was being stern and caring, similar to Gideon, yet not. Gideon often seemed as if he really didn’t care about anyone. He didn’t like showing his emotions

Once Rossi was almost done with his meal Reid stood up with his own plate and moved to the kitchen to clear it, leaving his barely touched shake and medicine on the table. He said thanks and went to move out of the kitchen, but Rossi stopped him, “I know you didn’t forget. I have a scale in the gym, this way.” Rossi said as he walked down the hall, waiting for Reid to follow. Reid wrapped his arms around himself and followed, despite not wanting too.

He followed Rossi into a large home gym. It was full of top of the line work out equipment. Which surprised Reid as Rossi didn’t seem like the type of man to work out too often and this gym was made for someone like Morgan. In the corner was a physician beam scale, Reid didn’t expect anything less at this point. It was obvious that Rossi went all out on everything.

“Well, what are you waiting for?” Rossi said and gestured to the scale. Reid let out an angry huff but stepped on the scale. Rossi moved the weight bars over until it was balanced. “Hmm.. 133.6 lbs. What did you weigh at the doctor’s office two weeks ago?”

“133lbs” Reid mumbled. Rossi’s face turned disappointed and when he moved his hand off of the beam, Reid flinched.

Rossi sighed and took a step back. “It’s okay, kid. I am not mad. I just don’t understand how you could have been on an appetite stimulant and high calorie shakes and not have gained at least two pounds by now.” Rossi made his way to the door, letting Reid walk out first. “I just want to see you healthy; we all do. Speaking of which,” Rossi said as they moved back to the kitchen, “You need to take that medicine. You can skip the Doxepin if you want to wait until you talk to your doctor, but it will help you sleep, and it doesn’t have a risk of dependence.”

Reid moved over to the medicine, studying it. He really hated having to use pharmaceuticals, it made him feel like he was just a step away from being his mother. While he loved her more then anything else in his life, he always feared he would end up like her, in a mental institution, taking pills to keep from going mad. Despite his fears, he took the medicine. He knew the night was going to be hard, having no razor and no Aaron. Even though he had been avoiding Hotch, he knew that he was just in the other room, just in case.

“Good job, kid,” Rossi said with a small grin. “Follow me” Rossi started to walk into the living room, opening a door in the hallway near the large staircase. Reid’s eyes widened at the sight of the library beyond the door. There was floor to ceiling bookshelves that stored hundreds of books. There was also a sofa, several lounge chairs, an empty desk with a desk chair and a modern chess set in the corner.

“This is.. amazing,” Reid said as he entered the room. He quickly moved to the closest bookshelf and studied the titles.

“Thanks. I haven’t read most of them. Some are research for my writing or work, some are books that were given to me to read by other authors and some are just books I got because I might want to read them one day” Rossi said but Reid had already picked up a book and was reading it as fast as he could, standing in front of the bookshelf. His hand was running down the page, his mouth was moving silently, leaving only seconds before flipping the page. Rossi smirked, grabbing a book and sitting down in one of the lounge chairs.

Half an hour later Reid was on his fifth book but had moved to the sofa. The new medicine was taking effect and he was struggling to keep his eyes open. After a few minutes of fighting sleep, he finally accidentally fell asleep, book falling to his stomach. Rossi noticed and quietly stood up. He took his phone out and snapped a photo of the sleeping agent before sending it to Hotch. A moment later Rossi’s phone rang. “Hello, Aaron”, he said as he answered the phone. He wanted to take the phone call outside of the room, but he didn’t want to leave Reid alone yet.

 _“Dave, I have texted you three times.”_ Hotch said on the other side of the line.

“I don’t text. You know that.”

A loud huff came from Hotch. _“How is he? Did he eat? Did he take the new medicine? What—”_

“Woah. One question at a time. He is alright.. He was pissed but cheered up once I showed him my library. He barely ate but he did take his medicine. Probably why he is asleep now.” Rossi said, trying to be quiet as he sat back in the lounge chair.

_“Did you weigh him?”_

“133.6, I never got around to calling the doctor.”

_“That can’t be right.. He was 133lbs two days after we got him back. I really thought he would have gained more by now.. Well I will email the doctor. I still have her card..”_

“My scale is right. I don’t know what to tell you.” Both men were quiet for a moment, Rossi swore he could hear Hotch’s mind worry from over the phone. “How did you like that picture though?”

 _“About that, is that my shirt?”_ Hotch asked fondness showing through his voice.

“Yeah. I asked Agent Anderson to swing by Reid’s apartment to get his shakes and meds and to grab a t-shirt from your bag and put it in Reid’s. He seems to really like it. I have seen him wrapping his arms around himself, playing with the fabric, and smelling it.”

Hotch chuckled lightly before getting quiet again. _“…I didn’t think his arms had gotten so bad… I worry about the state of his legs..”_

“Yeah.. About that. I went through the kid’s stuff and took anything sharp I could find.” Rossi said and he could hear Hotch open his mouth to argue but Rossi kept going. “I know that doc told you to let him have them, but I am not doing that. I don’t see how letting him cut himself to shreds helps anything.”

Hotch was silent for a minute before saying, _“I agree with you, Dave.. I just didn’t want to overstep. I didn’t want to ruin the trust I had built with him.”_

“Yeah.. I—” Rossi was cut off by the sound of Reid screaming.

 _“Dave put me on speaker!”_ Hotch yelled once he heard Reid.

Rossi did what he said and moved over to Reid. He was thrashing around on the chair and starting to beg, “Please! Sir! Stop! No!”

 _“Don’t touch him, Dave. He won’t respond well. Spencer! Spence! Do you hear me? It’s Aaron. Wake up baby, it’s okay. You are safe!”_ Hotch said through the speaker on the phone and Reid’s begging and screaming started to calm down. _“That’s it. Great job. Wake up all the way, Spencer. Talk to me. Dave is next to you and I am on the phone. You are safe.”_

Finally, Reid opened his eyes and gasped, sitting straight up. He quickly took in his surroundings and looked at Dave, who was crouched next to Reid’s chair, holding the phone. “What..”

 _“There you are,”_ Hotch said through the phone. _“Do you want to talk about it?”_ Hotch always asked if Reid wanted to talk about his nightmares but he almost always said no.

The second Reid heard Hotch’s smooth and caring voice come from the speaker he started to cry. “Aaron—I am so sorry… I—”

Hotch cut Reid off, _“Shhh.. It’s okay, baby. Let’s not worry about that right now.”_

Reid continued to cry, covering his face with his hands as Hotch tried to soothe him with his voice. Rossi had an idea though, “Aaron, do you have your laptop?” When Hotch said yes Dave continued, “Go ahead and get it out and wait.” Rossi placed the phone next to Reid and left the room, coming back quickly with a laptop and charger. He opened it up and video called Hotch. He was sitting up in his hotel room bed, his hair was wet from a recent shower and he wasn’t wearing a shirt. The lights were dim, and he looked like he was about to go to sleep. Rossi gave Hotch a nod before moving the laptop over to Reid, “Kid, someone wants to see you”

Reid looked up from his hands he automatically smiled when he saw Hotch on the screen. He grabbed the laptop, “Aaron.. It’s good to see you..”

“You too Spencer” Hotch said from his computer.

Rossi plugged the laptop in just in case and made his exit, giving the two men privacy. “Reid, there is a guest room next door,” Rossi said, pointing at the closed door right outside of the open library door. “I will be right in there, get me if you need anything”

Reid nodded his head and said “Thanks”. He watched the older man leave the room before looking back at Hotch on the screen. “I.. I have missed you. I really am sorry..” Reid said quietly, sniffling a few times as he tried to dry his tears.

“Really, it is okay. I am just glad that I didn’t do anything wrong. I have missed you too. Now is there somewhere to put the laptop?” Reid didn’t answer, he just set it down on the small coffee table in front of the sofa. “Good, now lay down on the sofa and I will do the same here." Once Reid started to move to lay down, Hotch did too. Reid curled himself in a ball on the sofa, pulling a throw off the top of the sofa to use as a blanket. They both laid down and just stared at the laptop screen for several minutes. No words were needed. They were both much happier just looking at each other. Reid’s medicine was causing him to start to fall back asleep. Hotch watched as Reid’s eyes fluttered open and closed. “Baby close your eyes. I will be here as long as the case permits.”

The nickname wasn’t lost on Spencer’s sleep blurred mind. “Aaron.. Why do you call me names like that?” Reid asked in a barely understandable mumble.

Hotch took a moment to think, “Hmm.. because I care about you a lot. It just feels right.. Does it bother you?”

Reid smiled with his eyes shut. He was losing the battle to keep his eyes open. “Not at all.. I r-really like them…” Reid said before getting one last peek at Hotch laying in his hotel bed, looking affectionately at Reid in the screen, before sleep took him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't supposed to have worked on this. This is a result of my procrastination for my finals.  
> Kudos, subscribe, and comment, please!


	31. Always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: Mention of self-harm, flashbacks, PTSD.

Reid woke up to the smell of fresh coffee. He loved waking up to coffee, it was something he had gotten used to while Hotch was staying with him. Every morning Hotch would turn on the coffee maker before jumping in the shower. Reid inhaled deeply with his eyes still closed, taking in the lightly caramelized and almost nutty smell. The only thing that was missing was Hotch’s rain scented body wash flooding in from the bathroom. He didn’t even know there was a body wash that smelled like rain but that was the only way to describe the smell. Rain body-wash and earthy oak aftershave. Reid smiled at the thought before stretching and opening his eyes. He lost his smile when he flew back to reality. He was at Rossi’s, having slept in his library on the sofa. His body ached and complained as he sat up, looking at the laptop screen that was still in front of him.

Hotch’s video window was closed but there was a message, “Good morning Spencer. I hope you slept well. We had to get working on the case again but text me when you wake up. I just want to hear from you. Call me if you need. I already told Rossi that you two are not to work on this case from home today. We are pretty close already. I hope to see you by tonight but if I am still here, I will video chat again. Always, Aaron.” Reid looked over the simple message and found his smile coming back. _Always, Aaron.. Always.. I wonder what he means by that. It can be taken in a friendly or loving manner but.. it’s a forever statement. I love it._ Reid thought before shutting the laptop and moving to his guest room upstairs. He heard Rossi in the kitchen, but he ignored him and kept going. He made his way to the bathroom, finding his phone on the cold tile floors.

He opened his phone screen and was met with a few messages. Morgan, Garcia, and JJ messaged him, just checking in. He sent them back a quick message, saying he was good and thanking them for caring, before opening a new message to Hotch.

To: Aaron Hotchner

From: Spencer Reid

  * Thank you for staying on video chat with me last night. I hope you are well, and the case wraps up quickly and safely. I will gladly help if needed. I hope to see you tonight. Always, Spencer.



Reid looked over the message before sending it. It was simple, not too much but showed that he cared. He sent the message, smiling again at the word _Always_. He wasn’t sure what he wanted from Hotch or what Hotch wanted from him, but he knew he wanted it to always be there. Reid was pulled out of his thoughts when he noticed Rossi, who was standing silently in his doorway. Reid jumped, “Damnit. Don’t sneak up on me” Reid said with a huff.

Rossi laughed, “Come on kid, I made breakfast.” He said as he started to walk down the hall. Reid wasn’t hungry but he did want coffee. He made his way to the kitchen and made himself a large mug of coffee, adding far too much sugar, before starting to head back to the library. “Hold on, where are you going?” Rossi said, stopping Reid in his tracks.

“To the library. I noticed a book about nomenclature and being a polyglot, I find it extremely interesting. Did you know the use of names, as the many different kinds of nouns embedded in different languages, connects nomenclature to theoretical linguistics, while the way humans mentally structure the world in relation to word meanings and experience relates to the philosophy of language. In fact—” Reid started to rant before Rossi cut him off.

“Okay okay. You can read it, but you need to eat first.” Rossi said, gesturing to the kitchen table where a plate and meal shake were already sitting.

“Thank you but I am not hungry. I will just—”

Rossi cut Reid off again. “No way. I was told if I didn’t make you eat then you wouldn’t. So, sit. You are not losing weight on my watch.”

Reid mumbled, “Damn Aaron..” Under his breath, as he went over to the kitchen table.

“Don’t be mad because he cares about you. He stayed on video chat all night. I even heard him talking to you when you had a nightmare later that night.” Rossi said, sitting down next to Reid with his own plate, an omelet, and a bowl of fruit.

Reid looked down at his food and let out a sigh, “I know. I am grateful.. I am just not used to being taken care of.” Reid said as he took his medicine and nursed his meal shake. He could feel Rossi’s eyes studying him, “Don’t profile me, Rossi,” he said, and Rossi let out a chuckle.

Once breakfast was done, Reid made his way to the library to get lost in the books. He needed a distraction. He needed to get his mind off everything. He still wasn’t comfortable being alone with Rossi and it wasn’t helping his anxiety. He picked up a book and got lost in the words. He shut out everything but the text quickly running by his eyes as his fingers gracefully ran down the page, forever etched into his brain. Being cataloged with the thousands of other books he has read in his lifetime, all permanently a part of his eidetic memory.

He lost track of time as the pile of books grew around him on Rossi’s library floor. His mind was deep into a nonfiction book about the unitary neuro-physiological theory of neurosis and psychosis when Rossi knocked on the open door. Reid let out a startled cry and his hands instinctually dropped the book and covered his head. After it was clear that Reid wasn’t going to be hit he slowly lowered his arms and saw Rossi standing a few feet away. His face was nonjudgmental, but Reid still felt embarrassed for being scared..

“You know you are making a mess, right?” Rossi said with a grin, looking around at the huge pile of books.

“Sorry. I will put them back.” Reid let out a small laugh, “I have been kicked out of libraries and bookstores for this before.” Rossi smiled back, watching the young man stand and start to shuffle the books back into the exact same spots they were in. He got closer to help but once he got within a few feet of Reid, the young man flinched, stepped backward, and tripped over a book, landing on his butt.

Reid let out a loud ‘hiss’ sound as he hit the ground. Rossi froze, he wasn’t expecting that reaction from the young man when he didn’t even touch him. Rossi looked at Reid’s face and his eyes were blank like he was seeing something that wasn’t there. His body started to shake, and he wrapped his arms around himself. _Flashback.._ Rossi thought before trying to talk him through it, “Spencer? Hey, you are safe. Nothing is going to happen, okay?” Rossi watched Reid dig his fingernails into his arms and tears run down his face.

Rossi took a step back when he heard Reid start to mumble to himself, “Please Sir. I am sorry.. So sorry.. Please don’t.. I will be good..”

The veteran profiler took a deep breath. He knew that he needed to break through to Reid. He knew better than to touch him, so he tried calling again “Spencer. Spencer! What are you seeing?”

Reid moved his head slightly when he was asked the question, “He.. He is going to touch me.. Hurt me.. I was bad. I said I was sorry!” Reid yelled

Rossi was surprised that Reid even answered. _That is a start at least._ “Who Spencer? I can promise you, no one else is here but me and I would never hurt you, kid.”

“Charles.. no.. William… No! I don’t know! I need help…” Reid said, staring blankly into the distance. His trembling got worse as he started to sob. Blood started to drip from the crescent nail marks on his upper arms.

_William? Maybe that is his father’s name.._ Rossi thought, moving into Reid’s line of sight but his stare didn’t break. “No one is here, Spencer. Look around.” He said but the young man didn’t move. “Can you still hear me? No one is here. No one will hurt you.” Reid still didn’t move. _Damnit.. I am losing him._ Rossi sighed and pulled out his cell phone, dialing Hotch while Reid continued to sob and beg.

“Hotchner”, he answered on the first ring. Before Rossi could even say anything, Rossi could hear Hotch telling some local officers to leave the room. “Dave, what happened?”

“He had been in the library reading and I went to help him clean up the books and I guess I got too close. He flinched, fell over, and has been in a flashback for several minutes now. I have tried—”

Hotch cut Rossi off, “Put me on speaker.” Hotch said, moving to the corner of the conference room to give him some sense of privacy. The rest of the BAU team was in the room with him but he couldn’t kick everyone out. This was the most privacy he was going to get. Once Rossi clicked the phone to speaker, Hotch could hear Reid sobbing. “Spencer, sweetie. It is Aaron. You need to calm down. No one is in the room but you and Rossi.” Hotch said in a calming, smooth tone.

“No! Aaron get out! He will get you, it’s not safe.. Not safe..” Reid yelled, still trapped in his flashback.

“What is happened? What do you see?” Hotch said

“He’s Raphael now.. He is going to kill her.. Leave! He will kill you too! No!” Reid yelled, pulling his knees to his chest, and burying his head into his knees. Hotch could barely hear Reid continue to suffer through his flashback. “No.. Charles.. Take me.. Don’t hurt anyone else Sir..”. It hurt Hotch’s heart to know that even in Reid’s trance he was trying to protect someone else from being hurt.

“Baby.. You did great. You protected those families. You protected your mom. You protected the team. Now I need you to look around the room, see where you are.” Hotch said. Reid lifted his head, but his eyes were still glazed over. Rossi made a small cough noise, signaling to Hotch that he did what he said. “That’s perfect. Now, look at Rossi.” Reid blinked a couple of times before his eyes moved to Rossi and Rossi made another cough. “Good, good. Now, look around the room. Tell me what you see.”

Reid slowly moved his head, eyeing what he could see of the room from the floor. “Books.. Rossi.. Furniture..” Reid said in a barely audible voice.

“Great work baby. Are you back with us?” Hotch asked with his calm and sturdy voice.

“Yeah.. I am sorry..” Reid mumbled.

Hotch let go of a breath that he didn’t know he was holding, “Shh.. You never need to apologize for this. It’s not even been a month. It is okay to not be okay.. I need to get back to work though, alright? I will text you.”

“Thank you, Aaron..” Reid said.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hotch hung up the phone and turned around to see the BAU team all staring at him, “Shouldn’t you all be working?”

“We are waiting on DNA, some files to finished downloading, and Garcia’s program to finish running through the code that was left,” Emily said, not skipping a beat.

Before Hotch had a chance to counter, Morgan was walking up to him. “Is he doing okay?”

Hotch took a moment to gain his composure, trying to return to his stoic, stern self that he needed to be at work. “Yes, Morgan. Apparently Rossi accidentally scared him, throwing him into a flashback.”

Garcia looked over at Morgan, “We saw that happened to him when we stayed the night with him. It was terrible.. Did he.. Umm..” Garcia stopped, not wanting to say it but Morgan finished her sentence.

“Did he offer himself to Rossi?” Morgan asked and he could hear Emily and JJ make a shocked gasp. It didn’t occur to him that they didn’t know about that.

“Spence would never do that!” JJ yelled, clearly angry at the remark.

Hotch shot her a glare and she stopped. “JJ, Spencer has been battling a type of conditioned response that he learned from his father. The stress from his kidnapping has made it appear again.” Hotch said, not wanting to explain any further than that. He turned back to Morgan, “Not that I am aware of. He hasn’t done that in about a week.”

“That’s a good sign.. right?” Garcia asked, looking between Hotch and Morgan.

“Yeah, baby girl,” Morgan said before the room grew quiet.

JJ spoke up again, “I really don’t think he should be working yet..”

Hotch made his way back to the conference table. “I don’t either, but the choice wasn’t left up to me.”

“What? But you are the Unit Chief.” JJ said, looking confused.

Hotch sighed, “Strauss has taken over his return. While she asked my opinion, she did not give me a choice in the matter.” Hotch looked around at his team and they all shared the same confused look so he answered the question he knew would be asked next, “Reid does a fair amount of work for other departments. His first day back he was only at work for a few hours before Strauss had him work on a case from FBI International Affairs. More often then not she requests to go over his case files as well. She uses him for his genius to further her career and Spencer, being the sweet person he is, doesn’t mind as long as he gets to help people.” Hotch said, letting a small smile grow on his face at the thought of Spencer.

Everyone started to get back to work but Morgan walked back up to Hotch, “Hotch man.. You know we all heard you call him ‘baby’. What are you doing? You need to be careful.”

Hotch shot Morgan a glare but he wasn’t fazed, “I appreciate your concern about Reid but—”

Morgan cut Hotch off, “It’s not that. Yeah, I worry about the kid, but I have seen him with you, he really does seem happy and safe.. But you are still his Unit Chief. No one cares how close your relationship with him is as long as he is comfortable and agreeing, right?” Morgan asked, looking around the room to the three women nodding yes before continuing, “but you are his boss. If Strauss got word of anything, she would lose her head.”

Hotch nodded his head, “Thanks..”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reid took a few minutes to get off of the floor and he moved to the sofa and curled up in a ball. Rossi stayed a comfortable distance away, moving to a chair. Reid pulled the throw blanket over himself and tried to relax as he was still slightly crying. “Sorry..” He mumbled out to Rossi.

“It really is okay, kid. You did nothing wrong. Why don’t you rest for a little bit?” Rossi said. He watched Reid scratch at his healing cuts on his arms, causing a view to dot with blood. “Reid, stop that.”

Reid stopped immediately, which concerned Rossi even more, but Reid tried to take a deep breath. “I—Can I have my band back? I—I need something..”

Rossi wanted to tell Reid that he didn’t need anything, he could calm down without hurting himself, but he wasn’t going to fight that battle at the moment. Rossi got up and was back with his red band in less than a minute. He handed it to Reid, moving slowly, before grabbing the laptop. He opened up the browser to his rarely used Netflix account. Rossi ignored the sound of Reid snapping the band on his wrist and searched for a show that he thought Reid would like. _He would probably like a documentary, but I have no idea what he has already seen or read about.. Binge-worthy TV Shows? There are way too many categories.. Fantasy? He would like that, right?_ Rossi thought as he looked through the titles. _The Flash, Supernatural, Arrow.. I have no idea what is good. Lucifer seems highly rated and is about crime cases.._ Rossi started up the first episode and put the laptop on the coffee table in front of him.

He watched Reid’s eyes fix onto the screen and his brow furrowed. “What show is this?” He asked as the laptop played “Ain't No Rest for the Wicked” as the show started. Rossi watched Reid’s face turn from confusion to interest once a British voice came through the speakers.

“Lucifer. I haven’t seen it, but it’s supposed to be good.” Rossi said, moving to the door. “I am going to grab you something to eat” Rossi took a peek at the show and held in a chuckle. _Well, apparently the way to distract a gay genius is with an attractive British man._

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reid stayed in his ball on the sofa all afternoon. He sat up once to eat some lunch, use the restroom and grab a bigger blanket but he laid in the same spot silently watching Lucifer the rest of the time. Rossi sat in the room with him for most of the day as well, either reading or writing. Rossi got up to make some dinner and stole a picture of Reid with his cell phone when the young man wasn’t looking. He sent to photo the Hotch, who replied back right away.

To: David Rossi

From: Aaron Hotchner

  * You turned Spencer into a burrito. How is he? What is he watching?
  * We caught the Unsub and are boarding the jet now. We should be back in a few hours.



To: Aaron Hotchner

From: David Rossi

  * You know I hate texting. You are lucky I don’t want to disturb the kid. I put on some Netflix show called Lucifer. He seems to really like the hot British bisexual male main character. He has been laying in that same spot watching it for hours.



To: David Rossi

From: Aaron Hotchner

  * Hot?
  * Be careful if the show has religious undertones. It could cause Hankel flashbacks.



To: Aaron Hotchner

From: David Rossi

  * I am secure enough in my masculinity to see when another man is attractive. And I have been keeping an eye on him, but it doesn’t seem to be bothering him.



To: David Rossi

From: Aaron Hotchner

  * Thank you Dave.. This really means a lot.



To: Aaron Hotchner

From: David Rossi

  * The kid is pretty cool. I want to see him move past this.



\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rossi made dinner and brought it to Reid, who was still laying on the sofa. He sat up, picked at his food, drank half his meal shake, and took his medication before going to the restroom, saying thank you to Rossi and laying back down. Rossi purposely didn’t tell Reid about Hotch and the team returning. He didn’t want to get the young man’s hopes up in case any plans changed.

Almost two hours later, Reid was fighting sleep. His sleep medication was in full effect, but Rossi watched as his eyes would shut and then flick back open. After a few minutes, Reid’s eyes fell closed but didn’t flick back open. Just as Reid fell asleep, Rossi got a text message. It was Hotch, telling him he was pulling up to his place now and to meet him at the door.

“Hey Aaron,” Rossi said as he opened the door to Hotch walking up to the porch.

“Hey, how is he?” Hotch said as he walked through the door.

“He fell asleep on the sofa a few minutes ago. I never told him you were coming.” Rossi said. He pointed to a hallway under the stairs. “Down that hall, the first door on the right, it’s open. He is in there. I am going to go shower.” Rossi said, already walking to the stairs. “It is already late. You two should spend the night. If he doesn’t want to share a room with you then take the guest room to the right of Reid’s.”

Hotch said, “Thanks, Dave.” As Rossi went upstairs. Hotch didn’t want to wait for another second to see Reid. After barely talking to the young genius for three days before he left, then not seeing him in person for almost two days, he was dying to see him.

He walked into the library and saw Reid right away. He was wrapped up in a large royal blue comforter with a mess of golden-brown curls peeking out of the top. A laptop in front of him was paused with a message ‘Are you still watching?’. Hotch moved around to the front of Reid, seeing that his eyes were closed. He didn’t want to disturb his sleep, but he wanted him to know he was there. He moved forward, kneeling next to the sofa, and closed the laptop. Once he clicked it shut, Reid’s eyes popped open and he sat straight up. “What.. Aaron!” was all Reid could get out before he was flicking the blankets off of his small frame and was practically jumping into Hotch, putting his arms around the older man.

Hotch almost fell over from Reid flinging himself almost fully onto him. He hugged him back tightly. Reid brought his legs fully off the sofa, to take some of the weight off Hotch, before burying his head in the crook of his neck. Hotch wrapped one arm around Reid’s small waist and the other went up to his head, to rub his hair in a soothing motion. He could barely hear Reid say, “I really missed you..”.

After a minute, the two broke the hug but never broke contact. Reid moved off of Hotch to sit on the floor but moved his hands to hold Hotch’s. Hotch looked Reid in his beautiful hazel eyes, taking note of how unusually green they were at the moment, before saying “I really missed you too baby.”

Reid could almost feel his heart skip a beat when Hotch called him ‘baby’. He was never a big fan of pet names with Stephen but for some reason, they felt just right with Hotch. It was also the first time the older man called him that when he wasn’t upset. It made Reid feel on top of the world.

At the moment, Reid only wanted one thing. He stared Hotch in the eyes before his eyes traveled down to his lips. “I—Can—” Reid tried to ask Hotch but instead he just moved, seeing the older man studying his own lips. He leaned forward, not breaking his hold on Aaron’s hands, and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. It lasted only a few seconds before he pulled away. “Sorry! I—”

Hotch cut Reid off, “Shhh.. You did nothing wrong, Spencer.” He said pulling the young man into another hug and softly kissing the top of his head. He felt Reid relax against his body. They stayed like that for several minutes before Hotch noticed the Reid was falling asleep against him. Hotch started to stand, pulling Reid along with him. “Come on, let’s get you to bed.” Reid stood up, rubbing his eyes. Hotch grabbed the blanket and followed him out of the room, up the stairs, and into Reid’s guest room. He helped Reid to bed and covered him up.

“Stay, please,” Reid said, moving the blanket for Hotch to climb in. “I am sorry I was pushing you away.. I didn’t actually want you away.. I just.. I don’t know..”

“It is okay. I get it..” Hotch said before taking off his suit jacket, taking off his tie, removing his belt and unbuttoning his dress shirt, laying them all on top of the dresser, leaving him in his undershirt and dress pants.

Reid watched Hotch start to climb into the bed and stopped him, “You can’t sleep in your work pants. I have my bag, why don’t you wear a pair of my PJ pants?”

Hotch laughed, “Because I have about 50lbs on you. There is no way your pants would fit me. My go bag is in my car, but I only packed work pants. I wear pajama pants at your place, but I normally sleep in my boxers.”

“Sleep in your boxers then,” Reid said, looking at the worried look on Hotch’s face. “It’s okay. I trust you.” Hotch nodded and turned off the light, flicking the bathroom light on and cracking the door, before sliding out of his work pants and quickly getting into bed, covering himself. Hotch wasn’t overly modest but he didn’t want to scare Reid. Once Hotch was in the bed Reid moved closer, laying his head on Hotch’s chest. He was fighting sleep as he listened to Hotch’s heartbeat, but his head was swimming. He just kissed his boss and was now, once again, laying in bed with him cuddling. “What are we even doing?” he asked quietly.

“What do you want?” Hotch quickly replied.

Reid thought for a moment, “I—I don’t know.. I just… kissed my boss. Kissed you.. And…” Reid let out a sigh and curled up closer to Hotch, making sure not to look at him. “I want to do it again..”

Hotch couldn’t help but smile. “Spencer, can you look at me?” He waited for Reid to look up before continuing, “I want that too.” Reid looked genuinely shocked but Hotch continued, “I really like you. I have for a while.. but I want you to know that I will never do anything to hurt you or break your trust. You need to tell me what you want and what you don’t want. I will never be upset with you for being honest with me, okay?” Reid nodded his head yes but didn’t look away. He continued to stare at Hotch’s face, subconsciously licking his lips. Finally, Reid gave in and moved up slightly to kiss Hotch again, gently pressing their lips together as Hotch’s hand moved to Reid’s cheek. The kiss was over quickly and Hotch tucked Reid’s hair back behind his ear, giving him a warm smile. Reid put his head back on Hotch’s chest and was asleep in seconds. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished my finals and ended the semester on the Dean's list :D I rewarded myself with redying my hair purple!   
> I hope I did these moments between Hotch and Reid justice.   
> Please leave comments, kudos and make sure to subscribe :)   
> Also, I love Lucifer :D


	32. Blackbird

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mention of sexual abuse, drug use, and self-harm

Reid woke up the next morning confused. The last thing he remembered was falling asleep in Hotch’s arms in Rossi’s guest room bed. He looked around the room and nothing made sense. The room was dark and dirty. He was still in the bed, but it was just a bare dirty mattress on a concrete floor. He felt arms wrapped around his waist, believing they were Aaron’s, he turned around. It was Tobias.

Suddenly Tobias started kissing him like he did in the old shed. Reid tried to move, tried to scream but nothing worked. He just laid there, helpless, as the larger man shamelessly kissed him and told him how much he cared about him and loved him. After a few minutes, Reid found his voice but still couldn’t move. His hands and arms felt like they were on fire, strained and burning, as if he were chained to the ceiling all over again. _“Please Tobias… let me go. Let me out of here. I can get us help! Your father will never harm us again!”_ Reid begged.

 _“Honora patrem… Honor thy father.”_ Tobias said before climbing on top of Reid as he screamed for help. The face over him shifted. It wasn’t Tobias anymore, it was Charles. _“It is time for your punishment, boy! Sinners need to be punished!”_ Charles said before reaching down and undoing his pants. Reid knew what was coming..

“Shhhh baby it’s okay. You are safe,” Reid hear Charles say above him.. but the voice was wrong.

 _That is Aaron’s voice.._ Reid thought before he woke up, jumping out of bed and throwing himself into the corner of the room, getting into a ball and hiding his head in his arms. “Stop Sir! No!!” Reid yelled but he didn’t hear Tobias or Charles. It was quiet. Slowly he moved his arms and lifted his head. He looked around the room and saw that he was back in Rossi’s guest room. Then he noticed Hotch sitting on edge of the bed in his undershirt, boxers, and bare feet. His hair was messy from sleep, but his eyes were kind. He gave Reid a small smile before saying, “Want to talk about it?” 

Reid took in Hotch’s appearance. He was surprised at how kind and sweet the older man looked first thing in the morning. While he had been staying with him for almost two weeks now, Hotch was always up before him. Normally shaved, showered, and dressed before he could even get out of bed. At work, Hotch was stern and strong. He always looked immaculate in his freshly dry-cleaned suits. His shined shoes and dark, perfectly combed hair. He knew that side of Hotch well, having worked with him for years. But this Hotch, sitting on his bed in his underwear, unshaven, not pressed and polished, this is the side he wants to know better. The Hotch that he calls ‘Aaron’. The Hotch that calls him ‘Spencer’ and ‘baby’. The Hotch that holds him, helped him change, makes him feel safe and gently returned his kisses, he wants to know that Hotch and he never wants him to leave.

Reid’s thoughts were cut off by Hotch, “Are you okay, Spencer?”. He looked concerned but he didn’t get off of the bed, he knew better by now than to approach Reid when he was in a flashback. Reid pulled himself out of his ball and moved over to the bed, sitting down next to Hotch. He leaned over and placed his head on his shoulder, but Hotch still didn’t move. “Talk to me Spencer, what happened?”

“I—I don’t know…” Reid started. “I woke up and you weren’t next to me… It was Tobias. He was.. kissing me and being sweet.. like he did in the shed…” Reid paused. He still felt a sting in his chest for having killed Tobias. He took a deep breath before continuing. “I told him to stop but he didn’t.. then he got mad and climbed on top of me… but it was Charles and…” Reid stopped, starting to cry. Hotch moved his arms slowly around Reid, pulling him in close.

“Spencer, did kissing me scare you?” Hotch said. He knew there had to be some reason that Reid had a nightmare about Tobias kissing him and turning on him right after they kissed.

Reid was silent, looking deep in thought. Finally, he answered, “I didn’t think so…” Reid pulled from Hotch’s arms enough to look him in the eyes. “I am not scared of you… I just.. I don’t know what I am mentally ready for…”

Hotch reached up and tucked Reid’s hair behind his ear. “That’s perfectly fine. I am in no rush.” Hotch gave Reid a warm smile before standing up and kissing Reid on the top of his head. He pulled on his work pants from the night before. “My go-bag is in the car. I am going to go grab it. You should take a shower, sweetie.” Hotch said. Suddenly Reid realized that he was still wearing Hotch’s t-shirt that he put on almost two days ago and he blushed, instinctually wrapping his arms around his waist, causing Hotch to chuckle. “Did you just remember that you are wearing my shirt?” He asked and Reid gave a shy nod, putting his head down. Hotch gently cupped under Reid’s chin, tilting his head back up to look him in the eye. “You look amazing in my clothes. There is no need to be embarrassed.” Reid felt his cheeks warm again. The two men looked at each other for a minute before Hotch left the room. He wanted desperately to kiss Reid, but he didn’t want to pressure him.

Once Hotch left the room Reid moved to the bathroom, turning on the water. He undressed and got in, letting the water cascade down his still injured body. He tried to focus on washing his hair and body, but his mind was racing. He was still shaking from his nightmare and he was starting to crave Dilaudid. Thinking of Tobias always made him want drugs. It was the best part of his kidnapping. He would get a pain free escape from reality. Now all he had was cutting himself, which worked some, but the feeling was not the same. He wanted the rush that came from putting the needle in. The euphoric oblivion that overtook his mind, overtaking his negative thoughts.

Reid wrapped his arms around himself and slumped down to the shower floor. He could still feel Hankel’s hands on him. His skin was crawling, he needed something.. He turned the hot water up and let it pelt him. He tried to focus on the hot water, the sound, the burning of his skin, but he couldn’t cloud his mind. It wasn’t working. He knew he had no way to get drugs where he was. There was no way Rossi or Hotch would let him leave for a little bit and even if he were home, Hotch would still be there to watch him. His only other option was to self-harm to find some sense of comfort from his mind but even that wasn’t possible. Rossi took everything sharp away from him.

A sudden knock on the bathroom door caused him to jump, letting out a small wail. “Spencer? I am opening the door.” He heard Hotch say before he heard the door open. Reid looked up from his ball on the shower floor, but he couldn’t really see. The whole room was full of heavy steam from the far too hot shower. Hotch walked into the room, “Spencer? I am opening the curtain.” Hotch said as he was already cracking the side of the shower curtain open. “What in the world are you doing?” Hotch said, trying to hide the panic in his voice. He turned the water off quickly and grabbed a towel, placing it over Reid’s still balled up legs.

Reid looked around, feeling slightly dizzy and dazed. “Huh?”

“Your skin is bright red. How long were you under the hot water?” Hotch said, looking down at Reid who was still sitting on the shower floor.

“I—I don’t know.. I just want.. I wanted to stop feeling his hands on me..” Reid mumbled out.

Hotch gave Reid a sad smile, “How can I help?”

“Can you help me up?” Reid said, embarrassed.

“Of course,” Hotch said, bending down and putting his hands underneath Reid’s arms and pulling him up. His skin felt on fire. It was hot to the touch and had to be hurting the young man, but he didn’t seem bothered by it. Reid got to a stand, tied the towel around his waist and stepped out of the shower. Hotch looked at his almost bare body for the first time in a week. It hurt to see the damage Reid had done to himself in that short time. He caught a glimpse of heavy scarring on his thighs, in different states of healing. He had several more marks going through his stab wound scar on his torso and his arms were a road map of light cuts. He seemed to focus his deeper cuts on his legs and his lighter cuts on his arms. _At least that is a good sign.. he wasn’t cutting deeply on his arms so he wouldn’t hit a vein._ Hotch thought before looking away from Reid, he didn’t want to be caught staring.

He noticed Hotch looking anyway and sighed. “I am sorry.. I—” Reid adjusted the towel around his waist and sat down on the toilet seat lid. He rested his arms on his legs and looked at the scars he had given himself. “It’s pretty pathetic, isn’t it? I was so upset at the scars Charles gave me, but I have given myself even more.” Reid moved his towel up slightly so he could see his thighs. He ran his hand over the healing cuts before saying, “sometimes.. I just.. I don’t know. I can’t explain it. I want to hurt. I need something to cloud my mind because it just won’t stop. I crave Dilaudid.. the relief it gave me, and this is the closest thing I can get… And…” Reid stopped for a second as he started to cry. “I don’t understand how you could like me… I am self-destructive. My body is disgusting… Scarred, used.. I am just fucked up. I—” Reid stopped when he felt Hotch touching his hand. Hotch had moved himself to kneel in front of Reid, grabbing and holding his hand.

He pulled Reid’s hand to his mouth and gave it a kiss, holding it against his cheek while he looked Reid in the eyes. “Baby, you are perfect. Your scars do not change that for me.” Hotch said, taking Reid’s hand off of his face and moving it back to his lap. He moved his fingers up to Reid’s arm, dancing them over the handcuff scars and up to the newer cuts before resting his open hand on his forearm. “It makes me sad to know that you are doing this to yourself and I desperately want to help you but nothing about you is disgusting. I have loved you for a while now and if anything, all of this has just made me love you more.” Hotch stopped when he saw the shocked look on Reid’s face.

“You.. what?” Reid stammered out.

“I love you,” Hotch said matter-of-factly. Reid’s eyes got wider than he thought was possible and Hotch let out a small chuckle. “I wasn’t fully aware of how I felt until all of this. But.. I do love you and I think I have for some time. I just didn’t admit it… This doesn’t change anything though. If you don’t want me or are uncomfortable with me then tell me, I will back off with no hard feelings. I just want you to be happy and safe.”

“Uh—I—I—” Reid was tripping on his words before Hotch shushed him. He wanted to say it back, but he was still confused about how he felt. This was a lot to take in.

“Shhh.. Don’t. Not now. Take your time and tell me when you are ready.” Hotch said, standing up and kissing the top of Reid’s head again.

Reid stood up a second later. He pulled Hotch into a kiss, wrapping one arm around his waist and the other resting on his cheek. Hotch returned the kiss, almost melting into it. He put both of his hands on the towel on Reid’s hips, not wanting to touch his bare back or chest just incase it frightened him. After a moment, Reid pulled away from the kiss and said, “Umm.. I have suddenly become aware that I am pretty much naked,” with a laugh. Hotch laughed too and moved over to Reid’s go-bag that was still sitting on the bathroom counter. He started to pull out clothes for Reid and Reid smiled at the simple, helpful act. “Aaron.. I might not be completely sure about how I feel but I do know that I don’t want you to go anywhere. I want to be with you.. Like I said… I am just not sure what I am ready for.” Reid said quietly.

“Like I said, I am in no rush. Whatever you decide, I will be fine with.” Hotch said with a smile before handing Reid some clothes and stepping out of the bathroom.

A few minutes later Reid came out the bathroom in a pair of gray sweatpants and a black long sleeve shirt with Caltech written on the front in gray and orange. Hotch started to look him up and down before he shot his eyes back up to his face. _Gray sweatpants.. Damn Morgan and Garcia. How in the hell did I forget about that when I was picking that outfit for him? He does look good in them though.._ Hotch thought before saying, “You look good. Dave is making a late breakfast, come on.”

When the two men got downstairs, their plates were already sitting at the kitchen table and Rossi was making his way to sit down with his plate, “Just in time.” Rossi said, sitting down. Once Hotch and Reid were in their seats, Rossi looked from one man to the other before grinning. “So, good night I assume?”

Hotch grinned back, “I hate profilers sometimes.”

Breakfast went by quickly with Reid talking through most of it. Hotch was happy to hear him ranting like he used too. Rossi, on the other hand, was speechless, partly from hearing Reid spout off facts as if he were reading them straight from a book and partly from Reid leaving no room for others to speak. Rossi finally cut him off, causing Hotch to glare at him. “Okay, okay. What do you two have planned for the day cause I was thinking about inviting the team over for an early dinner.”

“That sounds nice, unless you don’t want to Spencer,” Hotch said, looking over at Reid.

“No, I do. That sounds nice actually. Thank you, Rossi.” Reid said

“Benissimo! _(Very well!)_ Aaron, I will leave it to you to invite them all. You are both welcome to spend the day here as well. The kid seems to have taken a liking to my library.” Rossi said 

“Grazie _(Thank you)_ ” Reid muttered without thinking.

“Hold on, kid. Sai parlare italiano?” _(Can you speak Italian?)_ Rossi asked.

“Certo, ma il mio dialetto potrebbe usare del lavoro.” _(Of course, but my dialect could use some work.)_

“English please,” Hotch said, glaring between the two, causing them both to laugh.

“I never imagined that you knew any different languages Reid,” Rossi said, looking surprised.

“I told you yesterday that I was a polyglot” Reid said, standing up with his dirty dishes and grabbing Rossi’s and Hotch’s before making his way to the sink.

“Yeah, I am not sure what that means so I just ignored it,” Rossi said

“Polyglot, a person that knows and is able to use several languages. Typically, at least six different languages. The word as a Greek root with one language making a monoglot, two is bilingual, three is trilingual and four is a tetraglot, five—”

Rossi cut Reid off again, “I get it, kid. Sai questo significa che possiamo parlare di Aaron di fronte a lui e che non saprà cosa stiamo dicendo. _(You know this means we can talk about Aaron in front of him and he won't know what we are saying.)_

Hotch’s brow furrowed, “I am not dumb, I heard my name.”

Both Rossi and Reid laughed before Reid said, “Sembra divertente.” (Sounds like fun).

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After Hotch called the team up and they all agreed to dinner at Rossi’s, Reid and Hotch spent most of the day in Rossi’s library. Reid read about a dozen books before convincing Hotch to watch Lucifer with him. Reid wormed his way between Hotch’s long legs that were stretched out on the sofa. He sat between them and laid himself on Hotch’s chest. They cuddled up together on the sofa and Reid gave Hotch the rundown on the first few episodes before starting where he left off the night before. Reid melted into Hotch once the show started, taking in every detail, and loving it. Hotch, on the other hand, was not a fan of the show. He couldn’t wrap his head around a crime-fighting devil, but he loved that Reid was happy. While Hotch had never really looked at any other man in a sexual way besides Reid, he could definitely see the appeal of the attractive British man.

Hotch ran his hand through Reid’s hair while they watched the show. Before the next episode started, Hotch realized that Reid had fallen asleep. Hotch tried to stretch his hand to the laptop to turn on something else but he couldn’t reach without moving Reid so instead Hotch pulled a pillow under his head and drifted to sleep as well.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Well, well” Hotch heard someone say, waking him up. He looked up to see JJ and Emily standing to the side of the sofa. Reid was still fast asleep on him. “Looks like you two have gotten comfortable,” Emily said. Hotch shot them a glare and ran his hand through Reid’s hair again.

“That is just too cute,” JJ said, smiling at the sight in front of her. “He looks so calm. That is the most relaxed I have seen him in over two weeks.”

Hotch looked over at the door to see Morgan walking in, looking slightly upset at the two men cuddling. “Hotch, what is going on here?” Despite Morgan telling him that the team was okay with Hotch and Reid’s growing relationship, he was still worried about Reid.

“We were watching Netflix and fell asleep it seems and woke up to an audience,” Hotch said, sounding slightly upset.

“OH MY GOD!” Garcia yelled when she stepped into the room, gushing over the two men. “This is so amazingly adorable!”

Suddenly Reid shot awake with a gasp, sitting up and off Hotch while yelling, “Aaron?!” causing Garcia to take a step back.

“Shh.. It’s okay, I am right here.” Hotch said softly and Reid relaxed and leaned back down into Hotch’s chest, rubbing his eyes sleepily with his fist, and trying to get his breath back before he looked around the room and noticed the team staring at him.

“Uhh.. What’s going on?” Reid asked, looking around the room.

“That’s what we were wondering Boy Wonder,” Garcia said, giving Reid a quizzical but amused look.

“What? I—” Reid started before his sleepy mind realized that he was basically laying on top of his boss, curled up like lovers on a lazy Saturday morning. “Ohh.. Umm..” Reid started, sitting up off of Hotch.

“Don’t worry Spence. We already knew, we just didn’t know you two had grown this close already.” JJ said with a smile.

“As long as you are happy then we are, okay? Now, I think Rossi is starting dinner. We should get out there.” Garcia said, sticking her hand out to Reid to help him up off the sofa.

Everyone made their way out of the room except for Morgan, “Hey pretty boy, hang back for a second.” He said, eyeing Hotch. Hotch gave Reid a reassuring nod and walked out of the library. “I just want to check on you.”

“I am fine, Mor—”

Reid was cut off by Morgan, “Kid, I know you say that, but I need to make sure that everything between you and Hotch is okay.” Reid opened his mouth to talk but Morgan continued. “Don’t give me that ‘I’m fine’ BS either. Hotch should have stayed more professional during all this. He shouldn’t have let his feelings for you get in the way of your healing. He—”

This time Reid cut Morgan off, “Stop. I might be going through a lot right now, but I am not helpless.” Reid said loudly, with a voice full of attitude. “Every move that has been made has been from me. He gave me the choice to have him stay with me or someone else, I chose him. I asked him to sleep in my bed. I hugged and held him first. I even kissed him first.” Reid ignored the shocked look on Morgan’s face. “I know what I want, and it is him. I already explained to him that I don’t know how far I can even go and what I am ready for and he was perfectly okay with that. He told me he loved me and then told me I could turn him away at any time and he would never be angry.” Reid stopped for a moment to think. “I even did that. I pushed him away for three days and he was never angry. He only showed me love and support in my decision.. I have no qualms in what we are doing.”

Morgan relaxed slightly, “I am sorry, kid. I am just looking out for you.”

“I know,” Reid said, moving to the door. He stopped and put his hand on Morgan’s shoulder. “Thank you”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After dinner in the formal dining room, the team moved to the den. It was a large, more laid-back room than the living room. It had a large TV, surround sound speakers, several large sofas, a grand piano, and several guitars hanging off of the wall. As the team moved into the room, JJ caught sight of the instruments. “I didn’t know you played anything Rossi.”

“I don’t really. Only a few songs,” Rossi said sitting down.

Morgan laughed, “Only enough to convince women that you know, right?”

Rossi grinned, “Of course”

Everyone moved around the room, finding a seat before Garcia came in with a coffee carafe and mugs. They normally would be enjoying wine or liquor, but they didn’t want to test Reid’s sobriety. Hotch sat at the arm of one of the sofas and Reid sat closely next to him, leaning on him as he held his coffee mug. Garcia sat across the two, looking at them cuddle. “So, are you guys a couple now? Like boyfriend and boyfriend?” Garcia said with a hopeful smile.

Hotch narrowed his eyes at Garcia, “Well.. we never really had a chance to talk about th—”

Reid cut him off, “Yes, we are.” He said, ignoring everyone’s shocked look, including Hotch’s. “Right?” Reid asked, looking at Hotch with a smile.

Hotch smiled widely, a smile that most of his team had never seen from the stoic man. “Yes baby,” Hotch said, kissing Reid on the top of his head.

The shocked silence hung in the air for several minutes but neither Hotch nor Reid cared. Morgan spoke up next, “What do you two plan on doing about Strauss? None of us would say anything but she might figure it out.” Reid started to laugh, confusing everyone. “What is it, kid?”

“I am not worried about her. I’ll talk to her before I return to the field.” Reid said with confidence.

Emily looked confused, having had to deal with the tricky woman’s deception before. “Strauss can be harder than she looks. What makes you think she will listen to you?” Emily asked.

“I know she will. She asks quite a lot from me, so she doesn’t have much of a choice if she wants to keep me around, and quite frankly, she needs me to make her career goals.” Reid said with a shrug.

The room slowly filled back up with small talk between the team members. Hotch, Reid, and Garcia were talking about Lucifer and other Netflix shows but Reid stopped what he was saying mid-sentence when he heard Rossi start to play his acoustic guitar. They all turned and watched Rossi play Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin. Once he was done he laughed, “That is one of the only songs I know completely. It’s pretty popular for women my age.”

Morgan laughed, “Old you mean?”

“Very funny. I don’t see you playing anything.” Rossi countered.

JJ spoke up before Morgan could, “I can play some. Here” she reached her hand out to take the guitar, taking a seat on the piano bench.

In the first few notes Reid said, “Blackbird.”

JJ paused, “Is there anything you don’t know Spence?” she said with a laugh.

“My mom used to have me memorize different songs and sing them to her. I had notebooks full of lyrics from Bob Dylan, The Beatles, Michael Jackson, so many. She was convinced that the artists were spying on her and wrote the songs about her life. It calmed her down to sing them to her.” Reid said, looking slightly happy about the memory, despite it’s upsetting nature.

“You should sing it, pumpkin,” Garcia said

“No, I am not very good,” Reid said sadly.

“That doesn’t matter,” JJ said, “I am not very good at playing the guitar, but I am still going to try. No one will judge you.”

Reid looked around the room, his team all gave him warm smiles. _In the past few weeks, they have all seen me at my worst. Tortured, raped, begging, crying.. and they have yet to look at me with judgment. They have all cared for me and shown me their love.. They are the best family I could ever ask for.._ Reid thought to himself before saying, “Yeah.. okay.”

JJ smiled and started to play again. Reid sat up, took a deep breath, and started singing on cue.

“Blackbird singing in the dead of night” Reid sang quietly, getting louder as he sang. Once Reid started everyone looked up at him, amazed. His voice was beautiful. Garcia covered her mouth with her hand, trying not to interrupt with a shocked sound. Reid was too focused on the song to notice. “Take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life. You were only waiting for this moment to arise. Blackbird singing in the dead of night. Take these sunken eyes and learn to see. All your life. You were only waiting for this moment to be free. Blackbird fly, blackbird fly. Into the light of a dark black night” Tears fell from Garcia’s eyes when Reid sang the higher line of the song. She looked around the room and saw that she wasn’t alone. Emily and JJ were both teary-eyed at the sound of Reid’s velvet alto voice. “Blackbird fly, blackbird fly. Into the light of a dark black night. Blackbird singing in the dead of night. Take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life. You were only waiting for this moment to arise. You were only waiting for this moment to arise. You were only waiting for this moment to arise.”

Reid finished the song and took another deep breath before looking around the room. JJ spoke up once she finished playing, “Wow.. Spence that was.. incredible.”

Garcia wiped her face, “Oh my God. I got chills. Why haven’t you sung in front of us before? That was just amazing.”

“Thank you.. I—” Reid stopped and looked at Hotch for reassurance before continuing. “My father told me my singing was terrible. That my mom only liked it because she was c-crazy so I only sang for her and I still do. When I visit her, I will sing in her room to her but that is it.”

Hotch leaned over, “Baby that was beautiful. Do you think you can sing another song?”

Reid looked around the room and was met with happy, encouraging faces. “Sure,” Reid said with a bright smile.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So when I wrote the part with Reid singing I had Boyce Avenue acoustic cover on YouTube in mind. Definitely worth checking out.
> 
> I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter, I found it difficult to write for some reason. Only 1-2 more chapters left for this fic, but don't fret as it is a series now so it is not truly ending. 
> 
> On an unrelated note, today is my birthday, which I am normally not a fan of but today wasn't bad.


	33. Remove Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Graphic depiction of self-harm and mention of rape.

_Two weeks. It has been two weeks since Aaron told me he loved me, and I still can’t find the courage to say it back._ Reid thought laying in bed next to a very much asleep Hotch, thinking about that day at Rossi’s house two weeks ago. The sun was barely coming out, but Reid couldn’t bring himself to sleep anymore. Today was the day he had been waiting for, wanting, since he was rescued. He was allowed back in the field today. Despite Hotch being against it, his barely passed physical exam and marksmanship test proved he was able to return to the field today.

Over the past two weeks, Reid could tell that Hotch was trying to take as few cases as possible. He sent members of the team for consultation on several occasions instead of sending the whole team. The one case that the whole team went on, Hotch kept Reid and himself at home, claiming he couldn’t miss his psychologist's appointment and stating that Hotch had an important meeting to go to that just happened to be canceled at the last minute. It was extremely obvious what Hotch was doing but no one said anything, including Reid. He still got to help on cases, and he would rather be babysat on his own turf than at a strange police department, where others might notice he was being babied. Hotch never let Reid out of his sight once he told him that he was craving Dilaudid. Reid wasn’t given a second alone to buy drugs. It drove him nuts but at the same time, he was grateful.

Reid took this time to try and get better. He was still seeing his psychologist twice a week. He was taking his medication regularly and had even gained three pounds due to an increased appetite simulant medication and his team constantly trying to feed him. He was sleeping slightly better, partly due to his sleep medication and partly due to Hotch. Despite the fact that Hotch was supposed to go back to his own apartment two weeks ago, he was still staying with Reid. Reid laughed when he realized that Hotch went from being just his boss to his live-in boyfriend in less than a months’ time.

_Boyfriend.. I have a boyfriend.. Is that an immature title? Partner? Lover? No definitely not lover._ Reid thought to himself as he laid in bed. Hotch and Reid had shared several short kisses but that was as far as they had gotten, despite the fact that they were still sleeping in the same bed and cuddling often. Reid hated how Hotch seemed to walk on eggshells around him, really when it came to their relationship. Hotch didn’t initiate anything more than a kiss on the head. He wouldn’t hug or kiss Reid first. Logically Reid knew that it was probably for the best as he was still having constant flashbacks and panic attacks, but he still hated it. He just wanted to be in a normal relationship. _What even is a normal relationship? Was what I had with Stephen normal? I never told him about my father, but I am sure he knew something happened. We rarely had sex.. that isn’t normal, right?_ Reid thought before sighing and peeling himself out of bed.

He moved quietly, as to not wake up Hotch yet. He needed to take a shower before work but first, he needed to get something from the living room. His blades were taken away, but Reid quickly found that a wide range of household items could be used to cut himself with. Kitchen knives, scissors, safety pins, paper clips.. he had even taken a regular plastic pen and snapped it in half, cutting himself with the jagged plastic edge. He was cutting himself less often than he was two weeks ago, but it was still a daily occurrence. He moved to the living room, he wanted to take a knife from the kitchen, but he cut too deeply last time he did that. He settled for a letter opener he had in his desk, and moved to the bathroom, forgetting to grab new clothes.

He locked the door behind himself, discarding his clothes and turning on the shower. He put the letter opener on the rail of the shower before stepping in and washing himself. His arms were completely healed at this point, but his legs were a different story. He stopped cutting his arms, trying to give the illusion that he was mentally well, even though they were covered with light scars. He focused his cutting back on to his thighs, hiding them from Hotch.

After he finished washing his hair and body, Reid sat down on the shower floor and stretched out his legs, trying to find a good spot to cut. He ran his fingers over his pale, thin thighs, feeling the roughness of the healing cuts before finding a relatively blank area. He picked up the letter opener and pushed the tip into this finger pad, testing the sharpness so he would know how hard he had to press it into his leg to make himself bleed. It was quite dull, so he would have to use a fair amount of pressure.

He pushed the tip of the letter opener blade into his thigh until he saw blood bubble up, having broken the skin, before dragging the dull blade across his skin several inches. The dullness caused his skin to burn and become inflamed immediately, where a sharper tool didn’t. He watched the blood pool up and spill down his leg and mix with the water. He felt the release of endorphins right away and took a deep breath, soaking in the feeling. It was the closest thing to drugs he could get. After a minute he repeated his self-destructive act four more times, leaving five bleeding, jagged cuts on his upper thigh.

Reid stayed in the shower, letting his leg bleed for several minutes before the water started to turn cold and his bleeding slowed. Finally, he stood up and washed the rest of the blood off of his body and letter opener before turning off the water and getting out. He got out his first aid kit and dressed his wound before putting his robe on and going back into the bedroom. Hotch was still fast asleep but Reid knew his alarm would be going off in a few minutes. He returned the letter opener to his desk and moved back to the bedroom to get dressed before Hotch woke up.

He had barely thrown on his boxers and pants when Hotch’s cell phone alarm when off. Hotch shot up and turned the alarm off before turning over to Reid’s side of the bed. “Spencer?” Hotch said, still drowsy.

“Right here,” Reid said, buttoning up a light gray dress shirt with thin dark gray pinstripes before looking at his tie rack for a tie. Hotch had added some of his ties to the rack so it was out of order. He turned to Hotch when he heard the older man chuckled. “What’s so funny?”

“You normally pick a tie randomly but since I added my ties, you look so focused when you pick one,” Hotch said with a laugh.

“Well I don’t want to accidentally take one from your wide range of red or black ties,” Reid said, grinning back at Hotch.

Hotch sat up, “Hey, I have a navy blue one and some of the red or black ones have stripes.”

“Wow, such a wide variety,” Reid said sarcastically before laughing and grabbing one of Hotch’s black ties with small white polka dots. “I will wear your only polka dot tie then; you know, since you have _soooo_ many to pick from”

Hotch gave Reid a look, “Polka dots don’t really match your pinstriped shirt though.” Reid just laughed as he put the tie on and pulled a black sweater vest over his head. As Reid bent down to pick up a hanger he had dropped, Hotch noticed him wince slightly and automatically knew why. “Hey Spencer, can you come here.” He said, sitting up, swinging his legs around the side of the bed, and patting the spot next to him.

Reid sat down, “What’s up?” Hotch let out a small sigh before moving his hand over and placing it softly on Reid’s upper thigh. Reid froze, “Wha—”

Hotch interrupted Reid, “Baby.. why don’t you talk to me instead of doing this to yourself?”

Reid was shocked. _Of course, he knew.._ He thought to himself before placing his hand on Hotch’s. “I am sorry..”

“I just.. Can you please try and come to me next time before you do this? I was right here. Feet away.. I hate to see you hurting and not being able to help.” Hotch said with a sad expression before standing up but Reid held onto his hand and pulled him back down to a hug.

“I will try..” Reid said, lifting away from the hug and giving Hotch a chaste kiss.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hotch and Reid walked into the bullpen together later than normal but still on time. Garcia, Morgan, JJ, and Emily were standing around Emily’s desk talking before work started. “Hey pretty boy, Hey Hotch,” Morgan said as they walked in. Morgan was still on edge about the two dating, but he was going to keep his opinion to himself as long as Reid was happy.

“I see you two swapped ties again,” JJ said with a smile. Hotch was wearing Reid’s light purple tie with a single stripe across it in dark purple. It was a modest tie but still not a style that Hotch normally wore.

Reid smoothed out his clothes and smiled while Hotch spoke up, “Isn’t that the whole point of having a boyfriend? To share ties?” Hotch joked. He normally was not the joking type but the whole team saw a change in the man once he started dating Reid. He was happier, joked more, and smiled more at work than he ever had before.

“No, the point of boyfriends is the sex, but I guess sharing clothes is a plus,” Emily said with little thought. Emily, JJ, and Garcia started to laugh before they caught eye of Reid’s face. He looked upset, looking at the floor. “Oh Reid, I didn’t mea—”

Reid cut Emily off, “No it’s fine. I need to go find Strauss. See you guys later.” Reid said, walking away before anyone could stop him.

Hotch shot Emily a glare. “I am sorry Hotch, I wasn’t thinking,” Emily said.

“No, you weren’t. Besides the fact that me and Reid’s sex life is no one else’s concern.” Hotch said quietly but full of anger.

Morgan filled with anger once Hotch said sex life, “Are you two having sex already?”

“Of course not” Hotch answered.

It was quiet for a moment before Emily spoke up, “I—well sir. Are you even gay? How do you know you would even.. enjoy being with Reid like that?” Emily asked shyly. She was partially being nosey and partially concerned for Reid. It would break him if he finally healed emotionally enough to be intimate with Hotch, just to find out that Hotch wasn’t attracted to him in that way.

Hotch let out a sigh. He understood her concern, but he still didn’t want to talk about his relationship with his team. “Frankly, I don’t know what I am. The only man I have ever been interested in is Reid, but I am not worried about going further with him.. He is quite attractive.” Hotch said, trying to stay professional.

“That’s great and all, man, but what if he is never ready to have a sexual relationship? He has been sexually abused by two different men and the only man he ever was with was killed. He might not recover..” Morgan said, matter-of-factly.

“I don’t care if we never have sex. I love him without that portion of the relationship.” Hotch said, earning smiles from the team. “Now, let’s get to work.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reid tried to shake off Emily’s comment and moved to Strauss’s office. He had some paperwork to sign before he could be fully allowed in the field and he still needed to inform Strauss of his relationship with Hotch. He knew it was better to tell her then have her find out by someone else. He looked down at the bullpen before knocking on Strauss’s door. The team, except Rossi who seemed to be running late, were still talking and Hotch looked pissed. He looked away when he saw Strauss open the blinds to her office and wave Reid in. “Good morning Agent Reid,” she said once he entered the room.

“Good morning ma’am.” Reid said, glad he was still comfortable with saying ‘ma’am’, even though he couldn’t say ‘Sir’ yet.

“Sit,” Strauss said, gesturing to the chair in front of her desk. “You look well. Do you think you are ready to return to the field?”

Reid sat down, “I have been ready. I have no concerns about returning.” He lied. He was still worried that he would have flashbacks in the field or panic attacks from being around too many people. He didn’t want to be held back any further though.

“Good. An important case was just pushed through, you all should get ready to take off within the hour.” She said, pushing a few papers to the edge of her desk for Reid to sign.

He signed the papers but didn’t get up yet. “Thank you. I have one more thing to discuss with you, ma’am.” Strauss looked over her glasses and narrowed her eyes, as if she were asking what it was, so Reid continued. “I have started a romantic relationship with Agent Hotchner. This has not and will not affect our work, but I felt the need to inform you first.”

Strauss stood up, “In what world did you think that this would be okay? You cannot have a relationship with your boss and continue to be on the team!”

“Then remove me,” Reid said sternly.

“What?” Strauss asked, looking dumbfounded.

“Remove me. I will not stay with the FBI if I am not part of the BAU though.”

“You can’t just leave the Bureau. I will remove you from the team and put you in a different department that I oversee. I know about your mother and the fact you have to pay for her care so you cannot afford to just stop working.” Strauss said, looking smug.

Reid took a deep breath, trying to keep his cool. He didn’t like his mother being held over his head. “No. You will not. I do not have to stay at this job to pay for my mother’s care. I receive job offers several times a week. Just last month I received one from the NSA that offered me four times my current salary. I stay at this position because I enjoy it.” Reid paused for a moment, looking Strauss in the eyes, “Let’s also not ignore the fact that you need me here to further your career, Erin.”

Strauss became enraged at this comment and use of her first name and started to yell, “Agent Reid, you will not speak to me that way! I do not need to take this insubordination from an inferior agent!” She moved over to her phone and picked it up, dialing a number, “This is Section Chief Strauss, is the director there? Yes, I will hold.”

Reid smirked when he realized who she was calling, “Oh is that John? Make sure to tell him I said hi.”

“How do you—”

Reid cut Strauss off, “Also make sure to let him know that I have been the one to complete your budget reports for the past two years, and I have written up your evaluations, created training seminars for you and several departments, and let him know all of the cases you have had me complete but you put your own name on. Maybe he will just go ahead and fire you and Hotch and I wouldn’t have a problem anymore.” Reid said, leaning back in his chair trying to hide his nerves.

Strauss hung the phone up and sat down. She looked defeated, “I will ignore the relationship, but you must be professional about it in the work setting.”

“Of course, ma’am, thank you for being understanding,” Reid said, stroking her ego into believing it was her choice before Reid left the room, shutting the door behind him. He saw Strauss get up and shut her blinds immediately. Reid was on edge from having to deal with her. He froze outside of her office door and started snapping his red wrist band. He jumped when he noticed Rossi, who seemed to be standing near the door to Strauss’s office the whole time, probably eavesdropping to make sure everything went okay. Rossi didn’t say anything, he just guided Reid into Hotch’s office and had him sit on the sofa before leaving the room. A minute later Hotch came in, shutting the door.

“Everything okay, Spencer?” Hotch said, sitting down next to him on the sofa.

Reid took a deep breath, “Yeah.. I mean, it went well. She said she would ignore our relationship as long as we were professional at work but..”

“Stressful.” Hotch filled in.

Reid nodded his head and snapped his band a few more times but the need was still there. He needed to cut again already. Remembering what he told Hotch that morning he sighed and looked up at the older man. His eyes were strong, not judgmental, and full of love. “I—I want to cut.. My skin is crawling, and my mind is racing.. I need something.” Reid said quietly.

“Thank you for telling me,” Hotch said with a warm smile before wrapping his arms around Reid and pulling him into a hug. He held him for a moment before leaning off and tilting Reid’s head up with a hand under his chin. Hotch looked deeply into Reid’s hazel eyes, smiling at the beautiful reddish-orange that shined brightly around his pupils. He loved how Reid’s hazel eyes were always changing colors. He could get lost in them. Slowly Aaron moved forward and kissed Reid softly on the lips. Reid froze for a moment before grabbing around Hotch’s neck, pulling him even closer and deepening the kiss.

Suddenly there was a quick knock at the door before it swung open, “Bossman, you— Oh my God! I am so sorry!” Garcia yelled when she saw the two men kissing on the sofa. She stammered for a moment before leaving and shutting the door behind her.

Silence hung in the air before Reid started to laugh, “Just our luck!” He said laughing more. Of course, someone would interrupt the first time Hotch kissed Reid first.

“I guess we better get to the jet,” Hotch said with a laugh.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The two men were the last ones on the jet, all eyes met them when they boarded. “Where are we going?” Reid asked once he sat down next to Hotch.

“Well if someone went to the briefing instead of making out with their boss on his office couch then they would know,” Morgan said with a laugh.

Reid huffed, “I am still mad at Garcia for ruining that.” He said with a pout. Hotch looked surprised at the comment while everyone else laughed. He was glad that he didn’t scare Spencer by initiating a kiss for the first time and thrilled that it seemed to cheer him up.

“And we weren’t making out, but she really should knock and wait for an answer before opening the door,” Hotch said, grabbing a case file and handing it to Reid, who read through it in less than a minute. The plane took off and Hotch noticed Reid was fixated on the crime scene photos. This case was a rough one, couples in Miami were turning up sexually assaulted, beaten and stabbed to death. It looked as if the male victim was forced to have sex with the female victim before being raped and killed. If this case didn’t come from the director himself then Hotch would have stayed behind with Reid again but there was no way around it.

After a few minutes of staring at the photos, Hotch heard the familiar sound of Reid’s band snapping against his wrist. It was unmistakable but this time Reid sounded as if he was trying to stretch the band as far as possible to draw at the most pain. Morgan and JJ found Hotch’s eyes, as if they were trying to tell him what he already knew. Hotch leaned in and spoke quietly, despite the fact that the whole team could still hear him, “Spencer?” Reid didn’t look up, “Talk to me, baby.”

“I still need something..” Reid said in a whisper. Hotch knew what he meant, he needed something to make his mind stop. “I—I will be right back,” Reid said starting to stand but Hotch stopped him. 

“I can’t let you leave knowing what you are going to do,” Hotch said, grabbing Reid’s hand. Reid started to shake slightly and Hotch let go of him, worried that he was scaring him by not letting him go.

“I need…” Reid started before looking around the plane, remembering that the others could probably hear him, even though they tried to look as if they weren’t listening. Reid curled himself up in his seat, bringing his legs to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. Hotch then noticed Reid put his head into his lap and draw his hand to his mouth, biting on the top of his hand. Hotch moved the armrest between the two seats up and puts his arm around Reid, pulling him closer. Reid melted against Hotch but still bit his hand roughly.

“Tell me what is going through that beautiful brain of yours.” Hotch leaned in and whispered to Reid.

Reid stopped biting his hand for a moment and Hotch took the opportunity to take his hand and hold it, keeping him from biting it again. “I know Aaron..”

“Know what?”

“I know what they felt.. What went through their minds.. Really the men…” Reid stopped for a second to take a shaky breath, “It is just hard to not think of what happened… I don’t want to think about what happened..” Reid said as his eyes filled with tears.

Hotch couldn’t help but be proud of Reid for sharing how he felt instead of harming himself further. “Spencer, you have been through a great deal in a short time. You can use that to help these people. To help profile and catch the unsub.” Reid didn’t say anything. He just let a few tears spill on to his cheeks as he started to tap his feet. Hotch could tell he was still on edge, so he reached over to Reid’s messenger bag and grabbed his iPod. Reid didn’t argue as Hotch slipped the headphones over his head and turned on his ‘Relaxation’ playlist. After a few minutes, Reid started to calm down, his eyes slowly closed, and he drifted to sleep while leaning on Hotch.

Once Rossi noticed Reid was asleep he sat down across from Hotch, “How is the kid doing?”

Hotch sighed and shook his head, “I don’t know. Better then I expected but still not too good. If it were up to me I wouldn’t have taken him on this case.”

Morgan had moved to a seat closer to the three men, “Our luck that his first case back in the field has to deal with male rape victims.” Morgan said, looking over to Reid.

“To be fair, most of our cases have some sort of sexual assault,” Rossi said

“Yeah.. but this one is just strange. An unsub forces the couple to have sex before raping just the male? Why didn’t he just rape the woman as well?” Morgan said, combing through the case file again.

Emily interjects this time, “He could be gay.”

“Or the male victims could be gay, and he thinks they like it,” Rossi said

“Or the unsub could be punishing them..” Hotch added, looking over at Reid and rubbing his head.

“Shit. Hotch, man.. Maybe you should just take him to the hotel and let him skip this case.” Morgan said

Hotch grinned slightly, “You know Spencer would lose his head over that. He is far too stubborn.”

Rossi chuckled, “You didn’t hear him stand up to Strauss. I listened in, thinking he was going to have a panic attack or something but instead he was completely calm. Reid told her that she needed him to keep her job so Strauss started to call the director and Reid goes ‘Tell him I said hi’. Kid’s got balls.”

Morgan and Hotch laughed but Emily was shocked, “He really did that? What did she say?”

“He told her that she also needed to tell him all the crap he has been doing for her as well. He even called her by her first name.” Rossi said with a grin before looking up at Hotch, “Aaron, the kid really gets job offers weekly?”

“Yeah. I have different department’s sending me requests for him often too. I know the FBI Director as received several as well.” Hotch said, still rubbing Reid’s head.

“Wow. I thought he might have been bluffing.” Rossi said, looking impressed. The jet grew quiet and they could hear Reid’s classical music coming from his cheap headphones. “Hotch buy your boyfriend better headphones” Rossi joked.

“And a better taste in music,” Morgan added with a laugh.

JJ, who had been finishing up some paperwork, came over to stand near the group. She smiled fondly at Reid sleeping before she caught sight of Reid’s hand, “Hotch, what happened to the top of his hand?” Everyone looked over at the barely visible hand that had a circle-shaped bruise forming on it.

Hotch sighed, “He bit himself when I wouldn’t let him go to the restroom to cut.” He said quietly.

“You didn’t give him any razor blades back right?” Rossi asked, looking worried.

“No, of course not, but he is a genius that has been working in and around mental health facilities a good portion of his life, he doesn’t need a blade. He has been finding ways to cut his thighs and hide them from me.” Hotch looked heartbroken and pulled Reid a little closer. “I just ask that everyone keeps an eye on him. I know we can’t be with him for every second of the day but if you see him snap his wrist band or harming himself in any way, please get me or ask him to sit down and talk.”

“Of course, si—Hotch,” JJ said and everyone else nodded their head in understanding.

“We will be there soon. When we arrive, I want Morgan and Emily to go to the last crime scene, Rossi to the coroner and the rest of us will go to the police station to set up.” Hotch said with a stern look.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was trying to not post again until I finished the whole fic but I got impatient XD   
> Let me know what you all think!   
> Kudos, Sub, and Comment, please!


	34. Verbatim

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Rape, Self-harm, Flashbacks, PTSD, all the same stuffs.

When the plane landed everyone moved around to grab their things, “Shouldn’t you wake him up?” Emily asks Hotch.

“He doesn’t always wake well. It is best if I wait until we are alone before I wake him.”

Everyone nodded before leaving the plane, Morgan and JJ grabbed Hotch and Reid’s things for them. Once they left Hotch slips Reid’s headphones off and starts to wake him, “Spencer. Hey. We landed.”

Reid’s jumps slightly but stays relaxed when he opens his eyes. “Where is everyone?” He said sleepily, sitting up and off Hotch and running his hand through his hair.

“They just left. JJ is probably waiting in the SUV outside. Come on sleeping beauty. They already grabbed our things.” Hotch said with a smile, standing up. Reid grabs his headphones and iPod and throws them into his messenger bag before reaching out and holding Hotch’s hand and following him off the plane.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When they get to the police station, Reid starts to fit back into the routine of a case. He mindlessly put things on the board, organized files and photos, and started a geographical profile. He distanced himself from the case as much as he could, letting his mind travel as his body moved throughout the tasks of his job.

The only problem was the heat. He knew that Miami would be hot, but he didn’t expect it to be so hot in the station. Reid looked around and noticed that JJ had taken off her blazer and Hotch had taken off his suit jacket and rolled up his sleeves. Reid followed suit by taking off his sweater vest. Which made him feel a little vulnerable. He normally wore extra layers to make himself seem bigger than he was. His waist was quite thin, and his hip bones and shoulder blades stuck out in his snug button up. He didn’t care too much about appearances, but he wanted to be taken seriously by the local law enforcement and not be treated like a child that skipped too many meals.

Reid tried to ignore the thought and get back to work. It was not as hot with his sweater vest off, but he wished he could roll up his sleeves. Hotch and JJ were the only ones coming and going from the conference room he was in so it probably would be fine. He tried to ignore the heat and work but soon it was too much. Hotch and JJ were both in a different room at the moment, so Reid didn’t have to worry about them commenting as he rolled his sleeves up. Once they were rolled to his elbow he looked down at the light scars of self-harm to the heavier handcuff scars. He could even see a few light track mark scars. He was a mess and he knew it, but he felt better, cooler, so he continued working.

Soon Morgan, Emily, and Rossi made their way back to the conference room, accompanied by Hotch and JJ. No one commented on Reid’s rolled-up sleeves, so he continued staring at the board and listened to them talk in the background. Emily was saying something about the crime scenes just being dumping grounds and Hotch was proposing that the two people were not couples but brought together randomly. Morgan said how he was having Garcia look into their backgrounds. Rossi started to go into detail about the torture and rape the couples had received but the words were fuzzy at this point. Reid could feel himself getting dizzy. He got lightheaded and started to feel as if he couldn’t breathe. _Panic attack_ Reid thought before taking the closest seat and saying “Aaron” in a scared tone.

Hotch didn’t skip a beat. He was over next to Reid in less than a second, “Shh, head between your knees. Slow deep breaths.” Hotch said in a calming tone.

JJ looked over at Morgan, “What is happening?”

“Panic attack I think. Probably from hearing the details of what happened to the victims..” Morgan said, watching the two men. Hotch was still trying to soothe Reid and Reid looked as if his heart was going to burst out of his chest. The team moved around the room, trying to give the two a sense of privacy. Emily stepped outside the door to make sure no one came in. After a few minutes Reid seemed to get his breath back but was looking extremely pale.

“Spencer, maybe we should go-ahead to the hotel,” Hotch suggested

“No.” Reid shot back. “I am sorry that happened. I am fine though.” Reid said sternly but Hotch could see Reid was still shaking and he was fighting not to snap his band.

Hotch stood back up and gave Spencer a kiss on the top of his head. “Let’s take a break and get some lunch then but if you are still not well after lunch we are going to call it a day.”

Reid huffed, “Yeah.. Okay”.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The team made their way to a diner nearby. Reid wasn’t hungry but Hotch said if he didn’t try and eat then he would have to go to the hotel, so he tried. Chicken tenders, fries, and a mocha Frappuccino. He was glad that he didn’t have to drink his meal shakes when they were on cases. Hotch agreed to him skipping them if he had a higher calorie drink with his meal. Of course, Reid normally picked some sort of coffee. Reid tried to focus on his food but only ate half before feeling sick. “Aaron, I can’t eat anymore.”

Hotch looked at Reid carefully, seeing that he looked a little ill, “Hmm.. maybe you—” Hotch was cut off by his phone ringing. “Hotchner… I understand… Send me the location.” Hotch said before hanging up his phone. “Two more bodies were just found.”

“He is accelerating,” Emily said and Hotch nodded his head.

“JJ and Reid, go back to the police station, the rest of us will go to the crime scene.”

“I can—” Reid started to argue about not being brought to the crime scene and basically being babysat by JJ but Hotch shot him one of his famous Unit Chief Hotchner glares and he stopped and left out the door with JJ without another word.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back at the police station Reid was left alone in the conference room while JJ interviewed one of the latest victim’s family members. He made progress with his geographical profile but there wasn’t much he could do without more parameters. He sat down at the desk to look over files Garcia had sent over about each victim. _Nothing obvious connecting any of the victims… They weren’t in a relationship, in fact each victim’s family reported that they weren’t big on dating but insisted that they were heterosexual. Two of the now six victims were in a long-term relationship that didn’t last, unbeknownst to the family as to why._ Reid thought to himself, trying to find some connection between the victims.

He was pulled out of his reading when two of the local police officers came into the conference room. Reid tried to stay calm, he could see JJ in the bullpen of the station from where he was sitting through the large glass windows. “Where are the FBI guys?” The taller police officer asked, his badge said, Perez.

Reid cleared his throat, “Agent Jareau is in the bullpen” Reid pointed at the window to JJ, “The rest of the team is at the latest crime scene and I am right here.”

The officers looked at Reid up and down, “You? I thought you were an intern,” Perez said laughing loudly.

“I thought he was on a field trip from the high school,” the shorter officer added with a mean laugh. His badge said, Thompson.

Reid was getting mad; he didn’t need attitude from these two officers on top of what he already was having to deal with. He stood up, “No. I am SSA Dr. Spencer Reid.”

“Doctor? What the fuck? How old are you?” Perez asked in a harsh tone.

“Old enough,” slipped out of Reid’s mouth with little thought, which angered the two policemen.

“You look 100lbs soaking wet, there is no way you are really in the FBI or a doctor,” Thompson said

“He probably sucked dick to get to his position. He does kinda look like a chick.” Perez said, making both men laugh loudly.

Reid was getting scared, he looked out to the bullpen again to see JJ, but she wasn’t there. _Fuck_ he thought, trying not to show fear. He took a deep breath and forgot to answer the men, trying to ignore they were there.

“He didn’t answer man. He probably did screw his way to the top.” Thompson said to Perez

Perez snorted, “Top? Something he never is in bed” They both roared with laughter again.

Reid didn’t even know what to say. Whether he denied it or not, they wouldn’t just stop. He decided he would just ignore them, so he picked up a case file and started to read it, ignoring the two men as they continued to joke at Reid’s expense.

Suddenly a hand grabbed Reid’s wrist, “What the fuck happened to your arms?” Perez asked, holding Reid’s arm closer for a better view. He had completely forgotten about his rolled-up sleeves. Reid tried to pull his hand away, but Perez wasn’t letting go. Then Thompson grabbed the other, looking at it, saying something that Reid was no longer hearing. Panic was setting in and the world was getting dark. He felt himself slipping into a flashback, but he couldn’t stop it. He swore he heard Hotch yell before his mind slipped into a memory.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The crime scene was of little use once again. After talking to Garcia and talking over the evidence, they did have parts of a profile but wanted to wait until they spoke to Reid and JJ before finishing it. The team made their way back to the police station. Hotch wasn’t happy about leaving Reid with JJ at the police station but the last thing he wanted was to bring him to the graphic crime scene.

The team walked into the police station and found JJ at the entrance; she was just finishing talking with a reporter that wouldn’t stop trying to name the unsub. “Hey JJ, let’s go to the conference room to debrief. Reid still there?” Hotch said but before JJ could answer Hotch looked at the glass windows of the conference room from across the bullpen and saw Reid. A larger police officer was holding him by his wrist seconds before a second, slightly smaller officer grabbed his other wrist. He could see the fear on Reid’s face. Hotch ran, followed after by the rest of the team. He flung open the door and yelled, “Let go of him.” In a deep, commanding voice and both of the men let go immediately.

The larger officer started to defend himself, “we were just messing around, man.”

“Out!” Hotch yelled. He could see Reid’s eyes glaze over and knew that he wasn’t there anymore. “Prentiss, Rossi, take these two to their CO.” Once they were out and the door shut behind them Hotch looked at JJ, “Shut the blinds so no one can see in here.” JJ wanted to ask why but instead she just did as she was told. Hotch moved slightly closer to Reid, who was staring blankly at the floor. “Spence, baby? Can you hear me?” Reid didn’t move but tears started to silently fall from his eyes.

“I haven’t seen him this deep before..” Morgan said quietly.

Hotch walked a little closer to Reid, “Spencer. You are safe. It is just Aaron, JJ and Morgan in here. I need you to look at me.” Hotch said gently but Reid still didn’t move.

JJ looked scared, “Why can’t he hear you? What is going on?”

“He is stuck in a flashback. He is rarely this quiet though..” Hotch said, moving even closer to Reid and moving down to get into his line of sight. “Spence. What are you seeing?” Reid started to shake, and tears fell faster but he still didn’t acknowledge Hotch. “Damn.. stand back you two,” Hotch said and Morgan moved over by JJ near the door as Emily and Rossi came back. Before they could ask, Morgan waved them over to him.

“Reid is stuck in a flashback and Hotch is going to have to shake him out, he could get aggressive,” Morgan said before the team looked back at Hotch and Reid.

“Baby, I am going to touch you now. It is just me, Aaron. I need you to realize where you are.” Hotch said quietly before placing his hand on Reid’s shoulder.

Once Hotch touched Reid he let out a shocked gasp and dropped to his knees but instead of going for Hotch’s belt like Hotch thought, he started to beg. “No, Sir. I am sorry. I will be better. I can be so good. Please don’t hurt her.” Reid said in a panicked whisper. Emily and JJ looked shocked; they had never seen Reid in a flashback like this. Hotch, Morgan and Rossi automatically knew what Reid thought was happening. It was a flashback of him begging his father not to hurt his mom. Hotch looked heartbroken but Reid continued before he could say anything, “Sir please. I won’t scream this time. I promise. No one will hear me.”

JJ started to cry and looked over at Morgan again, “what the hell is happening?” she whispered.

“I think he is stuck in a flashback with his father.. he is begging him not to hurt his mom and he is saying he will be good and won’t scream while… his father rapes him… in order to protect her..” Morgan said just loud enough for JJ, Emily, and Rossi to hear.

“Shit..” Emily said, covering her mouth.

“Spencer, look at me,” Hotch says, kneeling on the floor in front of Reid.

“Sir—”

“No baby, I am Aaron. Please look up at me.” Hotch said. He was struggling to keep calm himself. Finally, Reid looked up and made eye contact with Hotch. “There you go. Great job. You were so good.” Hotch said with a smile.

Reid looked around the room, his eyes were still glazed over. “I—I wasn’t bad?”

“No sweetie. You did great. You protected your mom. I am so proud of you.” Hotch barely said before Reid was jumping into his arms, hugging him close. He was sobbing and his words were barely audible but Hotch got the message. He was saying that he was scared and sorry for causing a commotion. After a minute Reid started to calm down and he slipped out of the hold with Hotch. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You don’t need to be sorry. It has been a long day, and no one expected those officers to come touch you.” Hotch said before standing up and helping Reid to the sofa in the corner of the room. “I need you to tell me what happened.”

“Here Spence” JJ said, causing Reid to jump. She was handing him a bottle of water. He hadn’t even noticed the rest of the team in the room. He felt himself blush.

“Damnit.. you guys saw that?” Reid said blushing.

“It’s okay, kid. I say you did pretty great. You didn’t do that.. thing.. you did last time I saw you in a flashback.” Morgan said, trying to be helpful but just made Reid feel more embarrassed. He started to snap his red band.

Hotch noticed but didn’t say anything. He needed to figure out what happened. “Spencer, what happened with the two officers?”

Reid sighed, “They just came in here and were—”

Hotch cut Reid off, “Verbatim, please. I know you remember.”

Reid rolled his eyes, making Emily and Rossi chuckle. He took a deep breath and looked at the wall, focusing on the words, “Two officers came in, Perez and Thompson, Perez said ’Where are the FBI guys?’ I said ‘Agent Jareau is in the bullpen. The rest of the team is at the latest crime scene and I am right here.’” Reid said the words as if he was reading a script, changing his voice slightly for the other officers. “Perez laughed at me and said, ‘You? I thought you were an intern’ then Thompson laughed and said, ‘I thought he was on a field trip from the high school.’ I said, ‘No. I am SSA Dr. Spencer Reid.’ Perez said, ‘Doctor? What the fuck? How old are you?’ I said, ‘Old enough’ and that made them mad. Thompson said, ‘You look 100lbs soaking wet, there is no way you are really in the FBI or a doctor.’”

Reid stopped for a moment, clearing his throat before continuing. “Perez said, ‘He probably sucked dick to get to his position. He does kinda look like a chick.’ I tried to ignore them, and Thompson said, ‘He didn’t answer man. He probably did screw his way to the top.’ They were both laughing at me and Perez said, ‘Top? Something he never is in bed.’ I picked up a case file and ignored what they were saying but then Perez grabbed my wrist and yelled, ‘What the fuck happened to your arms?’ then Thompson grabbed the other one and I don’t remember what happened after that..” Reid said, relaxing slightly. He looked back up at Hotch and he looked pissed. His eyes were like daggers, but Reid knew the anger wasn’t directed at him. He looked at his team and Morgan looked as if he was ready to punch.

Hotch stood up, “Thank you Reid, stay here. Morgan, with me.” He said as both men went out the door.

Once the door closed Emily sat down next to Reid, “I wouldn’t want to be those officers right now.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hotch and Morgan made their way to the police chief’s office were the two police officers were still waiting. They walked in the office without knocking. “What is being done about these officer’s behavior?” Hotch asked when he came into the room. Hotch stood over by the police chief’s desk while Morgan stood by the door, which was for the best since he looked as if he was going to knock the two officers out if he were any closer.

The police chief, Chief Bradley, stood up. “My officer’s claim to have just been joking with your agent and they were concerned about some scars on his arms when you walked in. It seems harmle—”

Hotch interrupted, “Asking my agent if he sucked and took dick to get himself into the FBI is not joking around or harmless. It is unprofessional and uncalled for. The officers had no reason to even be in the conference room.” Hotch said sternly. He was leaving no room for argument.

Perez let out a chuckle, “It was just a joke. Chill out.”

Hotch’s glare could have cut glass. He was beyond pissed. The officers weren’t just making fun of his agent, but of his boyfriend and that made the alpha male in him want to charge. “Officer Perez, is it? Do you think making fun of a smaller, younger person makes you a big man? You are nothing by a coward. Why don’t you pick on someone bigger, like Agent Morgan or myself? No, you couldn’t do that. You are just a weakling of a man. Are you upset that Dr. Reid is further long in his career at his age then you could ever be in your pathetic life?” Hotch hissed.

“That is uncalled for Agent Hot—” Chief Bradley started before Hotch cut him off again.

“He verbally sexually harassed and physically assaulted my agent. It is called for.” Hotch said loudly

“I didn’t—” Perez started but Hotch wasn’t letting anyone have a word in.

“No, you did. Asking my agent about his sexual history, joking or not, is sexually harassing him, and touching him without his consent is assault.” Hotch said before turning to Chief Bradley, “If anyone has a concern about my agents, they come to me. Not them. Keep your officers in line.”

“We were just concerned about his arms,” Thompson mumbled out, not making eye contact with Hotch.

“That is simply not true. You two only mentioned his arms to further try and degrade him. If you must know, he was held prisoner and tortured by a mentally ill man.” Hotch said, it wasn’t a total lie and they weren’t owed an explanation to begin with. Hotch ignored the shocked look on the officer’s faces and looked back at the police chief, “If you do not properly punish your officers, I will take legal action against them and this department.”

Chief Bradley quickly looked at the two officers, “One-month suspension, no pay. A formal review will be done to see if you both return or not. Guns and badges.” He said, reaching his hand out. The officers didn’t argue. They handed over their items and left the room. Morgan slipped out after them, silently escorting them to the exit.

Hotch nodded at the police chief, saying “We will have our profile together in half an hour. Let your officers know,” before leaving the room and returning to the conference room. Reid was still sitting on the sofa but stimming hard. His feet were shaking, and his hands were tapping. He watched as JJ took a Rubik's cube and Reid’s iPod out of his bag and handed them to him. Reid slipped his headphones on and signed something to JJ that made her smile. Hotch made a mental note, _note to self, learn sign language._

Once JJ spotted Hotch, she walked over. “He is having a bit of a meltdown. He can still speak but he said he will move past it faster if he didn’t. He just asked for ten minutes alone and he said he will be good after that.” She said quietly. Hotch nodded. He was proud that Reid made his needs known and didn’t haul off somewhere private to cut. Even though it was hard to see, Reid was making progress.

The team let Reid be and moved around the table shooting ideas to each other. They concluded that the victims were most likely secretly homosexual or at least appeared to be. Garcia had called and explained that the victim’s families were all heavily religious and against homosexuality, most likely bringing the victims to hide their own sexualities. They hypothesized that the unsub was punishing these people for their hidden sexuality.

“I don’t think so,” Reid interjected, catching everyone off guard.

“Are you feeling better?” Hotch asked

“Yes, thank you.” Reid walked over to the board, “I don’t think this is a straight male punishing homosexuals. I think this is a homosexual male punishing people he sees as himself. He is hiding his sexuality and taking it out on others that are hiding their sexualities. Why else would he not rape the women? He forces the two victims to have heterosexual sex because that is what he was told they should do, like conversion therapy. He takes a male victim because he can’t bring himself to perform with women.”

“He probably gets turned on watching the men and then rapes them,” Morgan added.

“We are ready to deliver the profile. Spe—Reid, would you like to help or stay here?” Hotch asked.

“I want to help; I am okay now.” Reid said with a sad smile.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“We believe we're looking for a white homosexual male in his mid- to late 20s who is suffering from an identity crisis. This man can't accept his same-sex desires, but he can't fight them either. He's most likely been repressing all sexual urges for quite some time.” Hotch started the profile.

Morgan started next, “The first victim two victims were just the unsub’s idea of conversion therapy but when he watched the male having sex, he couldn’t control himself and raped the man. He then killed them both to cover up what he did.”

“Combined with an apparent belief that acting on his attraction towards other men is wrong, this state causes the unsub to lash out violently at those he's with.” Rossi said.

“The most popular motive for trying to overcome same-sex attraction is the need to be accepted by the parent or loved one who has rejected the individual because of their homosexuality. So, focus on men who grew up in a broken home and suffered under the guardianship of a domineering parent, as well as those who fell victim to bigotry or bullying.” Emily added.

JJ started next, pointing at the map on the board, “we are looking for someone that most likely works or lives around this area. Police presents should be increased through here.”

Lastly, Reid chimed in, “This self-hatred the unsub holds most likely came about due to years of serious abuse, either emotional, physical, or sexual, or some combination of the three.. It is likely that the unsub was forced into conversion therapy at a young age or was sexually abused by a male close to him, making him feel that his sexual desires are wrong. Thank you.”

One of the officers raised their hand, “So basically we are looking for a secret fag that is killing other secret fags?” Reid visibly flinched at the homophobic word.

Before Hotch could answer, Reid did, “We are looking for a homosexual male that is battling with his feelings towards other men and is taking it out on people he sees having that same internal battle.” He corrected the officer.

The officer laughed loudly and said, “Let’s go alert the faggots!” Several other officers laughed as well.

 _What is wrong with this department?_ Reid thought as he rolled his eyes and started to move back to the conference room, but he heard Hotch start to talk so he stopped.

“I will make sure to let my _boyfriend_ know,” Hotch said with a strong disposition, catching everyone off guard but earning approving smirks and laughs from the rest of the room. He then turned to the police chief on the other side of the room, “Control your officers.”

The team went back to the conference room and they could hear the chief yelling at the officer that spoke out. Once they got to the conference room, Reid sat down in a chair around the table with a huff. He looked extremely tired. It was already getting dark outside and they all needed to stop for the day and get some dinner and rest. They had some things to finish up, but Reid was having a hard time keeping his eyes open. JJ giggled when she saw him nodding off, “Spence, I am done for the day, how about we head to the hotel?” She asked before looking over to Hotch.

“That sounds like a good idea.” Hotch agreed, “I will stop and get some dinner and we can eat in the room. I should only be another half an hour.”

Reid huffed again. He didn’t want to leave without Hotch, but he was exhausted. “Yeah.. okay.” Reid stood up, making note of the closed door and blinds, no one could see in the room. He walked over to the chair Hotch was sitting in and gave the older man a close hug, sitting slightly in his lap. The team tried not to stare. While they all knew that Reid and Hotch were dating, they hadn’t seen the two be intimate in any way besides Hotch comforting Reid. Reid broke out of the hug and leaned in, giving Hotch a gentle kiss. Before saying, “Don’t worry.” Reid held Hotch’s hand for a moment before placing it over his own upper thigh, right where he had cut himself last, “I won’t, okay? I really am just tired.” Reid said, giving another quick kiss before getting up. Hotch smiled warmly at him as he left. He wasn’t sure if he believed Reid or not, but it was comforting to be told he wouldn’t. 

“Wowwww,” Morgan said dramatically once JJ and Reid left before laughing.

“Shut it, Morgan,” Hotch said, trying not to smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is the last. I am halfway done with it and should be posting it by the end of the day. Thank you all for sticking around this far. Let me know what you all think!  
> Also, Hotch is such a badass.


	35. Jump

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Self-harm, homophobia, sexual abuse, nothing new.

Reid woke up the next morning to the sound of Hotch’s phone going off. He barely remembered falling asleep. The last thing he remembered was JJ taking him to the hotel and walking him to his room. He went straight in, disrobing down to his boxers, taking off the old bandage on his thigh, and climbing into bed. He thought Hotch would wake him when he got there but if he tried, he doesn’t remember. He nudged Hotch, “Aaron, your phone.” He said

Hotch’s arm left the soft white sheets for a second, grabbing the phone, “Hotchner.. Understood. Be there in one hour.” He said sounding wide awake, despite not even bothering to open his eyes yet. He hung up the phone and groaned. “Two new bodies. We need to get up.” Hotch said, rolling over towards Reid and wrapping his arms around him. Reid was facing away, still not wanting to get up, so Hotch hugged him from behind, chest to back.

Reid hummed; he loved the feeling of Hotch’s skin. Hotch was also only in his boxers. He had done the same thing Reid did. Walked through the door, stripped, and when straight to sleep. Reid moved closer to Hotch, letting their bodies touch fully. He could feel Hotch take a deep breath through his back. Reid focused on everything he felt, the roughness of Hotch’s unshaven face on his neck, the strong muscled arms wrapped around him, the warmth of Hotch’s body. He then feels Hotch pull back slightly, tilting his hips away. Without thinking, Reid pushed himself back up against Hotch, closing the gap.

Then Reid feels _it_. He jumps out of bed when he felt Hotch’s hardening groin against his backside. “Sorry, Spence! I really didn’t mean to do that..” Hotch said, covering himself with the sheets and sitting up.

“No, no! It’s fine. Just.. caught me off guard is all..” Reid said, giggling slightly to cover up his surprise and embarrassment. “I—uhh, I am going to go get ready,” Reid said before quickly going to the bathroom.

Hotch sighed and covered his face with his hands, _Damnit.. I hope I didn’t scare him.. I didn’t think he would push back once I pulled away.. At least that answers the question of if I find him sexually attractive._ Hotch looked down at his still tented boxers, _the answer is very.._ He thought before peeling himself out of bed, ignoring the problem in his boxers, and putting his clothes on. He started the coffee pot and sat at the kitchenette table, waiting for Reid to be finished with the bathroom.

When Reid was done getting ready he went right for the coffee, avoiding eye contact with Hotch. Hotch didn’t want to leave an awkwardness between them, “Listen, Spencer. I am sorry. I hope I didn’t scare you. I just—”

Reid interrupted, “Don’t. I wasn’t scared.. I—” He paused for a moment, wiggling slightly, and biting his lip.

Hotch watched his body language and got the hint, _wow.. he was turned on too._ Hotch thought.

“I am just not ready for that.. and I don’t know if I ever will be.. I am sorry…” Reid said, looking down.

Hotch understood why he jumped up; he wasn’t scared. He felt guilty for being turned on and accidentally starting something that he knew he wasn’t ready to finish. “Baby, listen. I don’t care if we never have a sexual relationship. I’m not saying I wouldn’t enjoy it.. but I love you for you. I don’t need that aspect.” Hotch let out a small laugh, “I mean I did fall in love with you back when I thought we were both straight.”

Reid smiled brightly, walked over to Hotch, and gave him a kiss. As he pulled away he said, “You know, falling in love with a man is pretty gay of you.” Hotch couldn’t help but smile.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The two men met the rest of the team in the hotel lobby. “Morgan, Prentiss, and I will go to the crime scene, everyone else to the station,” Hotch ordered.

“No,” Reid said sternly, making everyone turn.

“Spencer?” Hotch looked concerned

“I want to go to the crime scene.” Before Hotch could argue, Reid continued, “I had to stay at the station all day yesterday and I was still able to help with the profile of the unsub. I should be able to go to the crime scene.”

Hotch glared at Reid, he didn’t like his orders being tested but if this were a normal situation then he would have sent Reid, as he normally sent him to the crime scene or coroner. “Reid.. You had a hard-enough day yesterday, you don’t need to push it.”

“Yesterday was hard but I did well. I didn’t even—” Reid stopped for a second, realizing the whole team was watching him. He knew that they knew but it was still embarrassing. He spoke a little quieter. “I haven’t cut since the case started.. That has to count for something.”

JJ looked surprised. She was so worried when she dropped him off at his hotel room last night that he was going to harm himself once he was alone. “Great job Spence!” JJ said before wrapping her arms around him in a hug. Reid flinched but hugged back.

“Uhh.. Thanks, JJ” Reid said, his face lit up red. He turned back to Hotch, “I will go to the car if it becomes too much, okay? Just give me a chance.”

“Fine but stay by me.” Hotch said and Reid mouthed ‘yes’ with a big smile.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When the four team members arrived at the crime scene, it was not what they were expecting. The last several crime scenes were outside, just bodies discarded like trash. But this was the site of the murder itself. It was the male victim’s house. Both bodies were stabbed numerous times. There was a struggle with the female, so blood was everywhere. On the walls, the floors and all over her naked body that laid just feet from the entry door. She was so close to escaping but didn’t make it. The male victim was a different story. He was tied to his own bed, naked. A drying pool of blood was under him.

Hotch immediately regretted allowing Reid to come. _This is too much, too soon._ Hotch thought. He looked over at Reid and he seemed okay to the untrained eye. Hotch could tell he was struggling. He took several deep breaths, was swallowing hard and rubbing his hands together nervously. When the two got to the bedroom, he was sure Reid was going to lose it, but he stayed calm. He watched Reid put on gloves and examine the body. He was looking closely at the victim.

“What do you see, Reid?” Hotch asked

“First, he is much older than the other male victims.. and I—I might be wrong, but I think the unsub penetrated himself on the victim.” Reid said before looking up and finding a tech, “Hey, can you swap these areas and these areas before moving the body?” He asked, pointing at several spots on the victim.

“Why do you say that?” Hotch got closer but didn’t see whatever Reid was seeing.

“Do you see this shine?” Reid asked, pointing to the victim’s genitals. “That looks like a sexual lubricant. The other male victims had lubricant along their backsides, but he doesn’t seem to have that. Also, you see this?” Reid said, pointing at milky colored spots on the victim’s chest. “That is semen. He used a condom with the other male victims. It would make since for him not to wear a condom if he were on top.” Reid said. His voice was level and professional, as he normally was at crime scenes, which surprised Hotch. Reid walked back over to the female victim. “It wouldn’t surprise me if she wasn’t raped this time..” Reid said, taking off his gloves. Before Hotch could ask why he thinks that Reid says, “I am going to go to the car now,” and walked out the door.

Hotch watched as Reid walked quickly to the SUV and shut the door. He could barely see him through the tinted windows, but Reid had put himself into a ball in the back seat. Hotch found Emily and Morgan and told them to finish up and meet them in the SUV. He went out to check on Reid, climbing into the back seat. “Spencer? Are you okay?” Reid had pulled himself into a tight ball, knees to chest. He was shaking slightly and Hotch started to hear sniffs. He was crying. “You did really great in there. If you hadn’t pointed out those spots to swab then the techs probably wouldn’t have noticed, and the evidence would have been ruined.”

Reid didn’t say anything. He just leaned himself over on to the connected SUV seats and rested his head on Hotch’s lap, barely moving out of his ball to do so. He sobbed harshly on to Hotch while Hotch ran his hand over Reid’s hair in a soothing way. After a few minutes, most of Reid’s tears were dried up. Nothing was left but the occasional sob that would rip through his body. “I am sorry..” Reid finally said.

“Spencer, there is no reason to be sorry. You held it together perfectly. You are allowed to be upset, really when you are alone. That was a gruesome scene in there.” Hotch said, trying to help.

“I—” Reid started but stopped, sighing.

“Talk to me, please. It will help.”

“I need.. I want to cut so badly.. I know it will make me feel better, help me forget. I just want to stop thinking for one damn minute.” Reid mumbled.

Hotch thought for a second before trying a different approach, “Why don’t you then?”

“Wait.. What?”

“Why don’t you cut then? If you want to so badly, what is stopping you?” Hotch asked plainly.

“I—I don’t know.. You. I don’t want to hurt you. I want you to be proud of me.. And this job. I want to help people and show that I can do this job without incident. I don’t want to be a concern or a liability.” Reid explains, slightly confused.

“Good. Hold on to that.” Hotch said with a smile. “You have so many reasons not to hurt yourself, six if you just include the team. You can come to anyone of us at any time to make sure you are safe. We all just want to see you happy.”

“I am trying, Aaron..”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back at the police station, the team split up. Most members were interviewing friends and family of the victims, trying to find an overlap. Reid was once again banished to the conference room. He was reading files on the latest two victims. He was sure that there was something that he was missing. The male victim wasn’t like the rest. He was older and the unsub raped him differently. He was still sure that the female victim wasn’t raped but he was still waiting to hear from the coroner. After reading the files he moved over to the sofa, crossed his legs, and closed his eyes. He dove into his memory to focus on the small details that are normally skipped. _Schools, places of employment, family members.. there are no overlaps.. They have all lived here their whole lives though.. Maybe.._ Reid thought before pulling out his cell phone and called Garcia.

 _“Speak and be heard Boy Genius!”_ Garcia said when she answered.

“Hey Garcia, is there a way you can check if the victims went to a conversion therapy program?”

_“I was looking into that, but I don’t see any. There aren’t any conversion therapies in the area either.”_

Reid thought for a second, “What about religious camps or summer camps? They might have been sent to a conversion therapy under false pretenses.”

 _“Ohh didn’t think about that, 187. Let me see.. Wow. Okay, so the last male victim worked at a camp called ‘Rainbow Crossing’, what a lame name.. One second… Okay, I found their registry and they only have last names listed but all of the victim's last names are on the registry for the same session 7 years ago..”_ Garcia said.

“Great. Can you send me the list of all of the people that went there that year and everyone that has worked there?” Reid asked

 _“Sure thing, pumpkin! Ohh and the camp closed down a few months ago. I will have this faxed over right.. Now! Over and out!”_ Garcia said before she hung up.

Reid smiled; he was getting somewhere. He rushed out to the fax machine in the bullpen to get the papers and he caught Hotch’s eye as he was leaving an interview room. “Reid, what are you up too?”

“I think I found a connection. It appears that all of the victims went to the same conversion therapy. The only problem is that the enrollment papers only have the attendees listed by their last names.” Reid said, not looking up from the paperwork.

“Great work Reid,” Hotch said, looking over a paper of recent employees. “Arnold Dunston, he worked there a few months before they closed was the only employee similar to the victim’s ages. Do we have a ‘Dunston’ in the attendee list for that year?”

“Yeah,” Reid says, not having to look back at the names.

“Okay, let’s go question him. He might have known the victims.” Hotch says walking towards the door.

Reid doesn’t move, “Wait.. Me?”

“Of course. Everyone else is busy and you were the one to find this information. It is only fair that you get to question Dunston too.” Hotch looked over Reid’s nervous face. “I know you are worried, but you have done great today and I will be right there with you.”

“Okay, let’s go,” Reid said with a nervous smile.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reid and Hotch got to Dunston’s house within ten minutes and Hotch knocked on the door. A large man with long black hair answered the door. He looked tired and stressed. “Arnold Dunston? We are from the FBI. I am Agent Hotchner and this is Dr. Reid. Can we step inside and ask you a few questions?”

“Uhh.. Yeah, I guess.” He said and opened the door for the two men. They shuffled inside and sat on the sofa.

Hotch started first, “You used to work at Rainbow Crossing, correct?” Dunston nodded his head. “Can you tell us what it was like there?”

“I—Uhh.. We were just helping confused teens..” Dunston said, he looked extremely nervous, which worried Hotch. He had no reason to be this nervous.

“What do you mean by ‘confused teens’?” Reid asked, trying to hide his nerves and hatred for conversion therapy.

Dunston looked Reid up and down, as if he were just noticing him for the first time. Reid squirmed under the large man’s gaze. Then Hotch noticed that he was checking Reid out and his anger grew. None of it was making sense though. This was just supposed to be an employee at the camp, someone that was converted and probably strongly anti-homosexual, but here he was checking out another man. Just then Hotch’s phone rang, “Excuse me.”

“Hotch..” Reid whispered but Hotch didn’t hear him.

He went to the doorway to answer the call, “Hotchner.”

It was JJ, “Hey, Reid was right about what happened at the crime scene and we ended up getting a DNA match on the semen. Belongs to Arnold Dunston.”

Hotch froze. _Fuck._ “Send Swat to his home. We are already here.” Hotch said quickly and quietly before rushing back to Reid. He turned the corner and saw Reid with a knife to his throat.

Dunston had Reid, holding a large knife to his throat, “Take out your gun and put it on the table!” he yelled.

“Arnold, you don’t have to do this. We can work this out.” Hotch started while taking his gun and putting it on the coffee table.

“It’s too late! It is all too late!” Dunston yelled, holding the knife closer to Reid’s throat. Reid stared into Hotch’s eyes, trying to find strength in them.

“What is too late?” Hotch pressed

“Everything! They told me being gay was a sin! That it wasn’t natural! They would force us to fuck each other, like we were gonna fuck the gay out! We were 14!” Dunston yelled; he pushed the knife into Reid’s throat so close that a small trail of blood started. “I thought what they were doing was right! I thought I was the broken one! Then when I started working there I saw that they were recording the teens! Fucking recording them in order to sell underage porn! Fuck!”

Before Hotch could talk, Reid started, “Arnold, what they did was wrong. There is nothing wrong with you.”

“What the fuck do you know?!”

“Because I have been punished for being gay as well. Look at my wrists, my back.” Reid said as calmly as he could. He moved one of his hands up, allowing the cuff to pull up and display one of his handcuff scars. He then slowly unbuttoned the top button of his dress shirt, allowing just enough room for his collar to open and show one of the lash marks that trailed up his shoulder. “I was tortured for being gay. These people that did this to us were wrong. It is not too late though. You can still tell your story and bring them to justice.”

The knife on Reid’s throat relaxed slightly but didn’t pull away. “I.. I can’t.. I can’t!” Suddenly Dunston pulled the knife up slightly and slashed along Reid’s throat, but Reid was already moving. He threw his body back into Dunston, moving away from the focus of the cut. He sent his leg back and kicked Dunston in the shin, allowing his grip on Reid to loosen. Reid turned quickly, taking his gun out and shooting Dunston in the leg. “Ahhh!” He screamed out. Hotch was already by his side, taking the knife away from Dunston. “Fuck! You shot me, you fucking faggot!” He screamed.

“Shut up, you will live,” Hotch said, putting him in handcuffs before turning to Reid. “Shit. You are bleeding.” He held his hands over Reid’s bleeding throat.

“It looks worse than it is. I can still talk so it’s not deep.” Reid said, out of breath. Seconds before Morgan and Emily, followed by Swat, swarmed through the doors.

“Medic! We need a medic.” Morgan yelled when he saw Reid. “What the hell, pretty boy?”

Reid looked up at Morgan, “Ohh I decided that I didn’t have enough scars, so I made this one.” He said with a laugh. Hotch glared and Morgan rolled his eyes at the bad joke.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I don’t want to be here!” Reid whined while sitting on a hospital bed. The EMTs and Hotch insisted that he needed to be properly checked out to make sure there was no damage to his throat. Reid wanted to refuse but he was too tired.

“Oh, stop whining,” Morgan said with a laugh. “At least you aren’t having to wrap up the case at the station like everyone else.”

“Everyone else? You are in here with me, remember? You should be at the station helping.” Reid said

“Well someone had to stay with your injured self,” Morgan said, leaning back in his chair.

Reid pouted, “I wanted Hotch to come.”

“Well, you don’t always get to take your boyfriend places. He was the arresting officer, he had to stay with Dunston until he signed him over to the local police.” Morgan said plainly and Reid groaned. “How is that going anyway?”

“Great,” Reid answered quickly and Morgan gave him a look. “Ugh. I hate profilers.. It is really good.. Just a little awkward. He walks on eggshells with me and.. I want more. I just don’t think I can…. I also still haven’t told him that I love him even though he told me over half a month ago.”

“Pretty boy, it’s your relationship. It can move as fast or as slow as you want. Do you trust him?”

“With my life,” Reid said plainly.

“Is he pressuring you?” Morgan asked giving him another ‘don’t bullshit me’ look.

Reid shook his head, “No. Not at all. He apologized like three times for accidentally getting an erection while in bed with me..” he said shyly but Morgan laughed.

“Ew, Hotch with a boner” Morgan said, laughing loudly. “Really though. If you aren’t ready then don’t. And if you don’t know if you are ready then try it out as long as you trust him to stop when you need.” Reid nodded his head, “And as far as the other thing, do you love him?”

Reid for a second, “Yes. I think I have for a while.”

“Then tell him!” Morgan said. “You think too much kid.”

“Ugh.. maybe I do. I—” Reid stopped at a knock at the door. The door opened a second later, it was Hotch. “Speak of the devil.” Reid said with a grin.

“How are you doing Spence?” Hotch looked beyond worried as he walked right up to Reid’s hospital bed and placed his hand gently on the bandage on Reid’s neck.

“I am fine. The doctor said it was just superficial and should heal up in no time. It might not even scar.” Reid said, smiling warmly at Hotch. “We are just waiting for the discharge paperwork.”

Silence hung in the air before Hotch spoke back up, “I’m so sorry Spencer.. I shouldn’t have taken you to Dunston’s house. I should have seen this coming.”

Reid reached over and held Hotch’s hand, “Aaron, Stop. If you didn’t take me then you probably would have taken JJ and then she would be the one with the cut across her throat and that’s if he didn’t just kill her. I would rather it be me than anyone else. Besides, you had no way of knowing that Dunston was the unsub anymore then I did. If our roles were switched, would you think I was at fault?” Before Hotch could answer Reid continued, “No, of course not.. Now someone go get that doctor so I can leave. I want to go home!” Reid complained, climbing out of bed. He was dressed from the waist down but was wearing a hospital gown on his top half. He moved over to his bloody dress shirt and just looked at it.

“Oh. Here.” Hotch said, forgetting he was holding his white undershirt. “I took off my undershirt for you so you wouldn’t have to wait for JJ to get our stuff from the hotel.” Reid slipped it on and smiled, lifting the side and inhaling the scent.

“You two are too cute. I am going to be sick.” Morgan said with a laugh.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Soon the team was climbing on to the jet. None of them wanted to spend any extra time in Miami. Once onboard Hotch sat on the sofa and Reid laid down next to him, resting his head on his lap. He slept the whole flight home. Hotch was shocked at how well Reid was doing with what happened. He hoped that this was a sign that Reid was getting better, not just an act the young man often put up to avoid showing people his true feelings. Either way, he was beyond tired and no one blamed him. On his first case back in the field, he was able to almost single-handedly profile and locate the unsub. He was held with a knife on his throat and he was still able to speak calmly to the unsub, relate with him, and then subdue him with no loss of life.

Hotch was extremely proud. Reid had strength beyond compare. He was always looked at as the weakest man on the team but Hotch would now argue that he was the strongest.

The plane landed and Hotch went to wake up Reid, hoping that he wouldn’t be bothered by the others still being on the plane. “Baby come on. We landed.” Reid jumped up, getting to his feet, and backing up against the closest wall.

“No!” Reid yelled before he looked around. “Damnit.. Sorry.” He said, rubbing his eyes and sitting back down next to Hotch.

“Don’t worry about it. We just landed. I have to go by the office to finish some paperwork, come on.” Hotch said, getting up and grabbing his things. Reid just sat there, starting to drift off again. “Spencer. Hey.” Reid barely moved.

JJ walked up and smirked, “I don’t have to go by the office, why don’t I just take him home?”

Hotch looked skeptical. “I don’t know… Spencer? Do you just want to go home and sleep?”

Reid moved slightly, “Yes, please.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once Hotch was finished with his paperwork he headed to Spencer’s, stopping at a pizza place nearby beforehand. Hotch made quick work of parking and going to the elevator, up to Reid’s floor. He used his key to let himself in, he was expecting to see Reid’s messenger bag and shoes near the front door, but it wasn’t there, which he thought was strange. He made his way inside, not seeing Reid in the living room, he put the pizza on the coffee table and went to check the bedroom. Reid’s large bed had been laid in but was currently empty. _What the hell.._ Hotch thought, expecting his boyfriend to be asleep. He made his way to the restroom. _He must just be in the shower or something, he does like showering at night instead of the morning.._ He knocked on the cracked door, “Spencer, it’s me.” He said before opening the door. The room was empty, but his go-bag and cell phone were on the bathroom counter. _What the fuck?_

Hotch looked around the room looking for signs of a struggle, having his mind automatically jump to the worse. _His bag, shoes, and keys are gone.. If he were taken they wouldn’t let him take those things.. he must have laid in bed for a while before getting up. Maybe he is on a walk.. or JJ! Maybe he is hanging out with her._ Hotch pulled out his cell phone and called JJ.

JJ answered within the first ring, she knew something was up. _“Hotch, what’s wrong?”_

“Is Spencer with you?” Hotch asked, having a hard time hiding his panic.

 _“No, I dropped him off a little while ago. I watched as he went inside the building, but I haven’t talked to him since.”_ JJ said through the speaker, _“What is going on?”_

“Hold on.” Hotch hung up the phone and called Garcia. He started talking once he heard her answer, “Garcia, patch me through to the team, except Reid.”

Garcia knew better than to question it, “Yes sir, one moment… Alright. Everyone is on.”

 _“What’s wrong. Hotch?”_ Morgan asked

“JJ dropped Spencer off, but he isn’t home. His messenger bag and shoes are gone but his go-bag and cell phone are still here.” Hotch said, trying to control his breathing.

 _“You don’t think he.. went out to score, do you?”_ Emily asked.

“I—I don’t know. He has been craving but.. he wouldn’t right?” Hotch said

Rossi spoke up, _“It was a rough case. Addiction makes people do strange things..”_

Hotch suddenly got an idea, “Garcia. I need you to look at the security cameras around Reid’s apartment, about 45 minutes ago.”

 _“Let’s see, let’s see. Just a minute. Okay, what am I looking for?”_ Garcia said

“Spencer. I need to know when he left his apartment and where he went.” Hotch said

 _“Okay. I have him going into his apartment then… he leaves 14 minutes later. Where are you going boy genius? He is heading for the stairs”_ Hotch is already moving to the stairs. _“He is going up. He is walking so slow. He looks worn out… Aww, baby boy, he is crying..”_

 _“He wouldn’t right?”_ JJ asked through the phone speaker

 _“Wouldn’t what?”_ Emily asks

“Jump,” Hotch says in a low, sad voice.

_“He just reached the roof door. I think it is locked.. naughty boy, he is picking the lock. And.. I lost him. There are no cameras on the roof, but I don’t have him leaving.”_

Hotch reaches the roof door and stops. The door is cracked open. He feels like his heart is going to explode. He takes a deep breath and opens the door. “There he is,” Hotch says to the phone before hanging up suddenly. He was focused on Reid. He was laying peacefully with his head resting on his messenger bag and his hands folded on his chest. He was staring at the night sky.

Before Hotch could say anything, Reid starts, “When I was a kid, I used to love to look at the stars. I would climb out of my bedroom window on to the garage roof and I used a small stool to get onto the house roof. I would lay there for hours… We lived in Vegas, but our neighborhood was further away from the city, more rural. The stars were beautiful. I memorized the Interstellarum Deep Sky Atlas when I was four. So, when I was five and he started… I would find peace in the stars. I can name them all. My mind automatically counts and maps them..” Reid stops for a moment.

 _Five.. he was only fucking five when his father started his abuse.._ Hotch thought, he tried to swallow down his anger.

“I would go out most nights, after I was punished, just to clear my mind. My body was small, but I was mentally well past my age.” Reid paused again and Hotch moved closer.

“Spencer, you know that wasn’t a punishment, right? You didn’t do anything to deserve what he did.” Hotch said quietly. He was confused about what was going on.

Reid ignored Hotch’s comment, “Orion is my favorite constellation. Sometimes called Warrior because of his fighting stance. He was a hunter in Greek mythology, swore to take down the worst of Earth’s beasts. I would wish he could come to help my mom. Take her away so she could be happy and safe. I knew it was silly, that stars can’t grant wishes or save people, but it was nice to dream…. When I met Stephen, I laughed at his last name, Gideon. Great Warrior. It was just amusing that I found a warrior after all the years staring at the sky wishing for one..” Reid pointed to a group of stars. “The stars are hard to see here but Orion is right there. I like to think that it’s Stephen.. that he is looking down on me. I don’t believe in God but.. again.. it is nice to dream…”

Hotch’s heart ached for Spencer. _How could anyone hurt him.. ‘…help my mom. Take her away…’ she wasn’t the one being abused but he was still wanting to save her first.. then Stephen dies. His warrior. Why does everything happen to him?_ Hotch thought before Reid started again.

“I don’t look at the stars as much as I used too.. But I find myself enjoying the mountains.. The first time I flew was when I was going to Virginia to join the FBI. The flight was in the early morning and I could see the sun shining around the peaks of the mountains. I spent so long staring at the dark sky in the flat desert, I didn’t take my time too look at the bright sky, the tall mountains. Then I met you.” Reid said, looking over at Hotch for the first time since he got to the roof. “Aaron, meaning light-bringer. Mountain of strength.” Hotch was speechless. Reid got up, walked over to Hotch, and kissed him deeply, pulling him in close. He pulled away and gave Hotch a bright smile. “I love you, Aaron.”

Hotch was sure he was dreaming. He felt like the luckiest man in the world. He went from being worried his boyfriend was going to jump off the roof to hearing that he loves him. Hotch gently grabs behind Reid’s neck and pulls him in, looking deep into his eyes before kissing him. Reid hums in agreement before Hotch pulls back and says, “I love you too.”

With that Reid grabbed his bag, took Hotch’s hand, and led him down the stairs, back to his apartment. Once they got in the door Reid tossed his bag down, and confidently pushed himself into Hotch’s arms, causing Hotch to go backward and lean on the wall. They kissed passionately, hands moving from waists, to necks, to hips before Reid started to work on Hotch’s tie, never breaking the kiss. The tie came off and Reid worked on Hotch’s buttons. Hotch had no idea what to do. He wanted to unbutton Reid’s shirt, but everything was happening too fast and he refused to do anything that might scare him. Once Hotch’s shirt was undone, Reid moved to kiss up Hotch’s neck. Making the older man breathe a little harder before he went back up to his mouth. Reid took the opportunity to slip his tongue into Hotch’s mouth, earning a soft moan. They were both lost in the moment, filled with passion, and need when a strong knock came in the door.

“Really?!” Reid huffed. Both men let out a laugh and Reid reluctantly opened the door. “Yes?”

A man in a suit stood there with an envelope in his hands, “Are you Spencer Reid?”

“Yes. How can I—”

The man handed Reid the envelope. “You have been served.” He said before quickly walking away. Reid was confused and looked up to Hotch.

Hotch took the envelope, still being a practicing lawyer, he was concerned. He opened the envelope as Reid shut the door. “You are being sued for illegally gaining a property in Las Vegas. 314 Woolridge Lane.”

“That is my childhood home. I bought it from my mom when she was committed.. Who would be suing me over that?” Reid asked. Hotch’s eyes lit up with anger as he read the plaintiff’s name.

“William Reid”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End :D  
> Reminder that this is a series and the next part is out, hope you like it :D  
> Thank you to everyone that has commented, kudos, and read this story. Please let me know what you think. I am dying for feedback as I have no self-esteem XD This was my first fanfic and I didn't think anyone would actually read or like it.  
> Special thanks to FoggyBlues for giving me the idea that helped form this ending.

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr: <https://tobias-hankel.tumblr.com/>
> 
> Email: damn.tobias.hankel@gmail.com


End file.
